R2P2: Day 22

Weight: 207.2 lbs
Loss of: .4 lb today
Total Loss: 16.6 lb

warning: Long post- didn't mean it to be, but there it is!

Morning Ladies!
I had an evening. We tried to totally change our son's bed time and it didn't work (surprise) and then I decided to take a bath, and when I come downstairs after a long bath that took me to 10pm I see the guys on the couch. :S I fell off the bandwagon and went on a tyraid. Folks... I have tried so hard in the last couple months to keep my temper and blow up's in check. When I was hit puberty I would go into these weird blankouts of blowups. I even threw a huge tyraid in the middle of my school about how a friend closed her locker. I didn't remember it. I would literally go into blind rage. I was later told by my high school councilor I was a 1%'er of the PMS extreme. Like PMS = Bikers, and I was part of the hells Angels.
It's something I am not proud of, but it's there. I have, for some reason, a HUGE freaking ball of pure rage right in the middle of my chest. If left unchecked I can sometimes feel the swirling ball.

I have worked to deal with, especially when I had my son 3.4 years ago. I know I passed it onto him because in the first year I had a hard time being in control. My husband has helped me a lot though... to a point.
I felt bad after a good month of keeping it totally in check, I blew up. I told myself I wouldn't scream, but I just snapped and 'dragged' my kid upstairs (more like grabbed him and carried him while he was upset 'no bedtime mommy') and plopped him into bed and told him 'go to sleep!' I did temper myself with my kid because I don't want to directly scare him. But I let loose on the husband. Not good, but he did shovel it back at me.

Once he left the room and I put our little guy to sleep and thought about my actions, I realized I was wrong in what I Did, but wasn't about to tell ol hubby that. I come downstairs and my husband was holding an olive branch. WOW. He did the right thing for me to calm down with him enough that I could admit to him that I didn't handle that situation well, and we proceeded to talk it out.

We co-sleep with our son. He has learned the bad habit of falling asleep next to daddy, then daddy sneak out of the room. I don't like it, the falling asleep part. He needs to learn that he doesnt need us to fall asleep. It's funny, my son, if I put him to sleep, goes down in like 10 minutes. He knows that I don't cater to him as much as daddy. I love that my husband is SO involved. I didn't get that growing up. My dad always had to work or he would find something to work on. It was only later he told me (after I cornered him about my son and his weirdness) he wasn't that comfortable around children. He didn't know what to do. He freaking has 3 kids! But he was a 'traditional' man, and Vietnam kept him away for a bit with my two brothers. I'm the youngest by 8 years.

Anyways. This is why my resolution has 'meditate and relax' as well as doing yoga 2 x a week. My sister in law has seen a HUGE difference in my brother's attitude as well. I would love to get my mom involved. She has HUGE anxiety. She and helderheid should talk to each other. Sounds like you both have a similar issue and if I don't start doing something I am going to exasperate the situation I'm already in. I need to learn from my mom. I have a lot of fears. I sometimes feel like a big bottle of fear and anger. They both seem to feed into each other. We hate what we fear.

I go to the doctors today to get my check up. I take my son up since the husband is at work and everyone has their own doctors appointments. Sigh. It gets me into the carpool lane at least (WHich I don't agree with but I will use it because it's lawful and I don't want to leave 2 hours before my appointment)

Our life used to be up in the Bellevue area, we live now in the South Sound area. My doctor is in Kirkland. A 1.5 hour drive if your doing the average. My husband's job is up there in Redmond. He takes a vanpool. If I get a job, it would be in the same company as him. My old company I loved to work for previously, the job I want to get.

My husband and I sat down and had a serious talk. He is feeling a bit trepidation about me going back to work. I have had this gut feeling too for the last couple days after I started thinking it through. We don't feel good leaving our 3 year old in some daycare, then in Sep2010 in a school for 12 hours. Okay, it would be school then grandparents. But 12 hours a day w/o parents, then come home for a couple hours of play then bed. I don't now if I can do that. I don't know if we can do that. Well, actually we could, but we know our son, he won't adjust to that very well until he is maybe 5.
We are thinking of postponing my job till then. It sucks because I was looking forward to working, but at the same time it doesn't suck because I started getting a bit weepy for homeschooling him. I got a great book yesterday that gave me some great outlines. We are a family of planners. Okay.. I'm a planner.

We planned our child. We took a week at the start of November 05 when I was ovulating and had each night be romantic with candles and all. I wanted that for our child, to be conceived in that type of romance. Then I got pregnant my first try. We told ourselves that someone would be home with our child. We didn't personally want someone else to raise our child. I have nothing against daycare, it just wasn't for us and our emotional state. We co-sleep with our child and love every minute of it. Er almost every minute. We have to make woopie elsewhere now, and just having a kid in our lives makes woopie hard to find.

I enjoy waking up to my child in the morning. I had some very serious health issues as a child, and being German you also put a child in a crib at night and didn't go in till morning. So needless to say, I have some serious abandonment issues to deal with. I put these on my son like any good person. I can't stop thinking if my child cries in the bedroom that he feels like we left him. That is me crying up there for affection and some love. So I break down and make it as gentle as possible for him. I don't do this all the time because I get into the 'this is not good for our child' so I'm not totally consistant, but I have my own issues to work through, but don't want to get to stiff upper lip with my child. I don't know.

I'm feeling pretty anxious about writing such a long post. :P If you read it all, thank you. Even if you skimmed it! I just have a lot to say today.

OH! I can fit into my size 18 jeans enough to wear them to the doctors!