Sunday, May 30, 2010

R4P3: Day 5

Weight: 174.2 lbs
LDW: 173.8

Yesterday down to 174

I feel good. I'm going to think about an egg day. I boiled a bunch of eggs, and we have a ton more. :) I am making sure to get my water in. 2nd day was a bit hard w/ my schedule for some reason.

I am going to try to post earlier in the day, my evenings are either busy or early to bed. Okay 'semi' early. hehe

So I am taking various things from the last couple days from the book.
Winston Churhill: We shape our dwellings, and afterwords our dwellings shape us.
Thoughts from the book: You would be surprised by how much you already own that is simply waiting to be reconsidered, rearranged, refinished. Decorating shouldn't be about a room looking like a magazine, as much as how you FEEL in the room.

I think we shape ourselves to be what we want to be, if we are lucky. I think sometimes we try too hard to be what our mother wants, our mother in law wants, maybe even our gal friends want. We go to that restaurant we don't want to eat at, we do activities we are forced to, and engage our children in habits we didn't approve of. But now is the time to change that. We took the first step with hcg to take control of our life. We said no to restaurants, we said no to an extra helping of beef, we said no to that delightful dessert. I hope. I think we have everything we need to take care of ourselves inside of us. I think that we have collected so much stuff and now it's time to purge those that we no longer want with our weight, and shine and dust off those things we actually like, but are afraid of sharing.
I know I keep my mouth shut about a lot of stuff I am proud of internally because of fear of criticism. But I want to live in my surroundings the way I want to.

I am a gamer. I role play Dungeons and Dragons and various other games. Yes, it is a game, I know that. I have an active life of quilting, feeding my family and taking care of the house, plus I game. I'm a girl gamer. I used to hide this from others because it was concidered weird, but I always had to go upstairs and into a bookcase to get a book I would enjoy reading, then put it back. Now it is where I actually use them more. They are on my bookcase downstairs. People who come in my house can see them, and they need to deal with it.

I don't want to cover up the authentic self because I don't want to lose myself in other peoples expectations. Though it is hard because I HATE offending people. I'm always afraid that my hobbies, personality and spiritual ideas conflict with someone and I don't want to make them feel comfortable. Though I realize, most of the time, many people I run into have no fear of expressing many of their beliefs at the expense of others, because of this self confidence in their belief. I don't know. I'm all over the place with this concept.

I realize this is something I need to work through because I have a kid. He is 3 years old and he is growing up in my home. He will see the 'true me' and what I think about things, how I believe about things and stuff I do. He knows I like people to clean up after themselves. He knows that I game, and loves to play with my little miniature monsters, and he knows that I stress about getting the right colors on a quilt together. These are things he will grow up with, part of his soul. He can 'expose' me because he wont know it's 'strange' to some what I do. I'm waiting for the day that he tells his teacher "I played an elf this weekend and captured orcs!" SIGH. hehe.

We need to go on an excavation of the soul/body/mind as we lose this weight more amazing things underneath will be exposed. Throw out the junk and keep the gems!!

Friday, May 28, 2010

R4P3: Day 3

Weight: 175.2 lbs
LDW: 173.8

I ate bacon, cheese and didn't get enough water. I hope I can correct this big upswing. I gained some on day 1 as well. Could have been too fatty of the hot wings? No clue.

Any way to correct this without having to do a steak or egg day? Can exercise take off the pounds? Since I am not 'stablized' I should be able to lose this weight as easily as I gained it by doing the right thing huh?

Sorry I didn't post last night. My friend came over, we watched tv, then I went to bed after he left so we could get our kid to sleep faster. anywho.

Today's Theme: Steffi's Theme: Do it for the right reasons!

So I found myself wanting to be back on HCG. It just seems so much simplier to take a medication, eat 500 calories comprised of particular types of food and day dream that it was obviously not our fault if we have a gain! Which in all honestly- lets face it, if we do the right thing that has been well written out for us, it really isn't our own fault! It is pms, tom, water weight, reshifting of weight, and a whole slew of things. We know that in a couple days we should lose this weight. We have comfort in that little hole. At least I do.

I am jonzing to get back onto hcg because it's my comfort. I think that is a great reason not to do long rounds like I did. Yes I am 110 lbs lighter pretty fast, yeay me! But I'm scared. I have fear.

Are we doing what we are doing for the right reason? Are we focusing too much on the numbers because I know I haven't grown in a size. My pants fit though I gained. But I want to go down, but feel like I have no map. I ate the right things. I actually didn't over eat. No Tummy ache. I know we can process lots of fat, but I think I might have eaten too much fat.

There is a safety net in saying "In 2 weeks I'm back on the diet" because if you gain some, you know that in minus 2 weeks you will be okay. But you know what. I went on vacation and I only gained like 3 lbs not worrying about my weight since I didn't have a scale. I just ate what was cooked, drank some yummy goodness, took some walks and had fun. (I think it was the walking that helped. I REALLY walked a lot because it was an option in Mexico and it was perfect weather)

It's cold here for a May. I want the weather to change. My husband has been working over time a lot and gets home late so I am feeling a bit lazy. I'm focusing on computer stuff, and a quilt I am wanting to sew together (I got a charm pack) and that doesn't involve much movement. I still have a couple months left on my gym membership. Maybe I will just go in there during my son's preschool and do some toning. That should help.

This was a bit of a vent, and soap boxing. I think an open ended p3/p4 round this time is a bit scary for me. It holds me accountable and makes me figure out what is before me and won't let me hide in p2 for a while. I am going to work through this! We need to work through our fears and over come them. I love the support we are giving each other here!

I am going to go look into the egg day just in case. I can't go a whole day w/o eating because of blood sugar issues, but I sure can eat a bunch of eggs! One of my favorite foods!! :)

Take care everyone!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

R4P3: Day 1

Weight: 171.4 lbs
LDW: 173.8

Today was a good day, but I woke up WAY earlier than I expected. My son is a little under the weather and couldn't get back to sleep, We took a long nap. It was nice.

I had an omelet with some tomatoes and lots of spices. Some hot wings (couldn't eat much of them. Had a sliced apple with cheese for dinner. I just had some more hot wings to get my protein. lol. I will have another apple tonight I think OR my hubby will make me a strawberry smoothy w/ full fat milk. Mmmmmm.

I did have the cheese 'run through' me for the first day, so I am going to be more careful with it.

Tonight's Theme: Let Passion Be Your Decorator

Words to think: Achieving authentic harmony through our surroundings. Revising: Make work what doesn't work.Always revealing another aspect of our perspective as we discover it. Trust your instincts. A magnum opus can take a lifetime to create.

If we realize it or not. We show our selves in everything we do, say and show. We can't help it. We either are the authentic self, or the self deceptive self. We are our motivations, our passions. I think when we go to the store and pick something up, be it a pair of shoes, or scarf, we are showing the world "I'm dependable, I'm sensible, I'm inspired" I mean, every time I see a woman detective on tv run around in heals I go. "If that was me, I would put on some REAL shoes!" I think we acheive harmony if we get the things that we want. If that means conservative because that is how we feel, then so be it. I am someone who doesn't like too flashy of a print on my pants or shirt. I enjoy a nice black or tan slack with some single color shirt for the most part. I also enjoy one color jersey work out type shirts to lounge in. I am someone who likes comfort and not be too flashy. I just don't enjoy animal prints nor swirls nor polka dots! But that shouldn't stop the next person from celebrating and reveling in it.

I think we need to have a blue print for what we want our lives to look like. Now that you have that binder full of happy thoughts and what we want to 'be' in the future, it's not enough. Now we need to figure out how to put it in action. What can we do? Buy this cereal? Empty that cabinet of that crap food? Find a healthier alternative to that food? Buy those sexy running shorts and sneakers so we actually go outside and run? We need a plan of action.

Once we have that plan of action, we need to be willing to revise it!! This is the part I think I stumble on. I am going to write a cookbook. I get too overwhelmed by it. What if its not perfect. I have to figure it ALL out before I write it. I have a laundry list of recipes I do have, and ones that I made up that I want to make. But I want the book layout already figured out before I have actually tested the stuff?!? What the heck! No! I told my husband today: I am going to, now that I am on p3 and not restricted to 200g of meat a day (hehe), work on these recipes and let the other things come when they are needed. No forworring. We need to allow ourselves the ability to say "Crap, this path is a dead end, instead of boldering through to the other side I'm going to turn around and revise my map of action"

This plays into the fact that new adventures and obstacles (or as my old boss used to say "Opportunity to succeed!) show up. Maybe we find out we really don't like the chocolate brown pants? Maybe we realize, wow, orange does look good on me! Regardless of what my mom says. I do like eating this new type of veggie, or wow that alt bread is gross! Or maybe we can't deal with the vast amounts of passion we expected of ourselves, instead of tempering and stretching it out? We need to be allowed to revise our plan, as long as we move somehow forward, sometimes you have to put the car in reverse before we can move forward.

I love the line " A magnum opus can take a lifetime to create." We will never be done, at least I hope we won't, with our 'perfect' self EVER! New ideas pop into our minds, we grow older and hopefully wiser. We find out that sometimes it's okay not to learn to play that instrument because I would rather spend my time learning to knit. I don't knit. I find no enjoyment in this art because I can't do it. I can't do cross stitch either. But I have come to terms with these things and spend my time in things I can do well. Quilting, crocheting and sewing. I enjoy them because I seem to move forward when I learn them. It's not something I feel I am always at square 1 with. It's finding these talents and skills we can spend our time on rather then waste our time in the hamster wheel.

I'm glad I was able to pull something from tonight's journal. :) It seemed very bleak at the start because it was very physical redecorate your room sort of writing at the start. LOL This is a great book for anyone who wants to change their physical space a bit and get all cozy. It's a lovely read.

Take care everyone! Consider yourself hugged!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

R4P2: Into my 2nd 24hours

Weight: 172.2 lbs
Loss Today: 1.6
Total Loss: 14
Total over all: 111.6

LDW: 173.8 (I got some room to 'play')

So I want to see if I can lose weight naturally, but at the same time I just want to do this whole round right. So we will see, tomorrow I am slowly introducing foods because of the hhcg I can do 2 days instead of 3 days. (48 vs 72 hours)

My son had a parent tea, it was nice, but my son was tired, he didn't sleep well last night. Poor thing. Kept us most of the night awake, so I'm amazed that I lost anything.

I will continue to take some potassium for a bit. I didn't realize I was taking pretty much 1/2 of what I should. The potassium bottles are confusing to me. Too many choices.

I'm feeling otherwise really well. I feel I look good. I was able to get into a pair of size 14 black slacks. I like slacks, but have limited myself to 1 pair of jeans at each phase. My husband wondered who that skinny woman was that picked up his son, then as I turned around it was me! :) hehe.

Tonight's Theme: Passion: the Authentic Muse

Words to chew on: There goes life, and not with a bang, but a whimper and a whine. sacred fire burns within. If we do not express outward passion, we will experiance self-immolation- the spontaneous combustion of our soul.

This one hit me like a ton of bricks. I love passion. I love BEING passionate. I LOVE feeling passion and expression. I love crying at tv shows, kids books with sweet endings and commercials that touch the soul, even if they sell dog food to an old dog. I love writing with passion, I love getting passionate about a product, or an idea. But the one thing I don't seem to get passionate about, or at least forget most of the time is to be passionate about me and my current state of being. I am in a cocoon waiting to be 120 lbs to emerge and wear the sexy clothes and be free. I am free now. I am sexy NOW!

I sometimes find the passion in p2 and going into the kitchen to whip up something creatively. I LOVE that. I love having my parents over and 'showing off' my newly formed dish. I love sharing new found information, nothing should be kept. I think that information is power, and power should be given to everyone!

Many people have tagged me negatively as 'emotional' which is just another word for passionate. I have tried so many years to temper that, but one day I realized, it is them who is sort of sad. To not feel as strongly as me. That is what feelings are about huh? To feel them?

We need to find passion in every phase we are in, regardless if it's the fact that tomorrow night I will sit here with a cut apple and a happy amount of peanut butter, or finding that strawberries and salad make an awesome match for p2! If it's the passion of waking up to step onto a balanced scale, losing weight or making it into those pants we have held our breath for, literally and figuratively. :)

What makes you wake up in the morning? What makes you passionate? And do you make it part of your day, rather then the occasional indulgence? Passion is not like fine chocolate to be only enjoyed sparingly, and only once in a while! (though I hear some great reports about dark chocolate and to make it a nightly habit with a small square piece! WOOT!)

Have a wonderful night everyone!

Monday, May 24, 2010

R4P2: Day 15

Weight: 173.8 lbs
Loss Today: 0
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 110

No gain, no Loss. I don't remember what I said about that, if it was a sign to stop. At least I didn't get a big loss to tempt to stay on. I have decided to stop this round. With the fact that I only took a 10 day break between these two rounds seem to make it okay to stop at day 15.

I do not consider myself weak or just wanting food. I'm listening to my body and it says STOP! I was letting my mind get in the way, over think it, and then worry about what everyone else will think. SCREW IT! I don't have time to make everyone happy. hehe. Your on your own about that! ;)

I will continue to blog. I'm curious- if anyone answers I will take it into consideration: Do you want me to continue to blog about hcg w/ these themes? Or do you want me to also take p3/p4 (whatever phase I am in) to cloud my thoughts? Though I think most of the blogs lately have just been about the adventure of weight loss, and we have included p3/p4 as a part of that really right? anywho. Sigh. I'm over thinking aren't I?

Tonight's Theme: The Fullness of Nothing

In my face words: Never assume that the people in your life, especially those closest to you, won't innocently meddle in your internal affairs while you're on the path to authenticity. empty space or 'shroud' of the unknown. empty space pregnant with possibilities.

While we are on the path of losing weight, and becoming the thin folk that we are becoming, I think there is a lot of input from the peanut crowd. Sometimes we like it, but other times it's just irritating like a little tiny fly in the ear. I most realize this with other people and your kid. Leave me alone, I know what I am doing to my kid and I will pay the shrinks bills if I mess him up! ;) I think the only way for us to be authentic is to take in the words of others, but then to spit them out if we don't find ourselves mirroring them. Dump it! I think it is okay to internalize what someone says, but honestly, if it's garbage, throw it out and don't worry about it. If you know something is garbage we don't wonder "Should that have gone away?" otherwise there might be a hint of truth in it, and we should wonder why it bothers us? But that is another thing for another time.

The journal talked a lot about negative space. Like a bare table. It holds your negative space. Designers and artists know this one. Sometimes I wonder if people have to fill up everything with anything to feel full. But then you have no clarity. I think the same thing goes for weight loss, mentality and schedules. We need 'empty' space to allow ourselves to think, to come up with new ideas, and to take a breather. We need to allow for that 3 hour block to stay empty so we can use it ourselves. (personally- we always filled up our calendars if we didn't put something in them. Of course I am free on Tues at 3pm, though I really just wanted to stay home and clean a little. I now put in 'putter off time' or 'me and hubby sit on our butts day' so that i can't fill it up and can tell people "yup, busy" )

I think we need that negative space to fill up our minds from time to time so we can just go crazy and do free thinking. Like with our kids. I have taken a serious notion that my kid will not be overbooked, really just booked into anything. I might sign him up for a preschool a couple times a week, and maybe 1 activity that seems fun to mingle, but nothing like I see other mothers doing. Not only are they going crazy with all the travel. I truly feel that kids, along with any other human, needs 'putter off time'. They need to do whatever they feel like it w/o rules for a little while. Unstructured time. Especially during p2, I think we need time to sit and think about what we are doing, and just let the mind wander. Or just sit and stare at a blank wall to allow our thoughts to unravel onto the floor.

What mental shelf are you willing to clean clear today?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

R4P2: Day 14

Weight: 173.8 lbs
Loss Today: -.8
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 110

I'm hoping that the woozieness is a potassium issue, though I have been taking some. Maybe the wrong kind? Anyways. I'm tired tonight. It was a long day of hanging out with some friends, my son meeting a little girl and having a TON of fun! My husband had to work today so it was hard to be without him. He is doing a lot of overtime because work has a deadline and a lot of work to finish. Money! heh. But there will come a time that he will be done w/ the overtime! Since I really want his time more than the money!

Tonight's Theme: Nurturing Your Authentic Flair.

Words to chew on: Our real life budget may delay the process longer than our conscious minds might wish. transformation not without transition. sleepwalking to awakening. Extraordinary gift of time- time to know what you love.

Real life goes by one day at a time. It is eternally ticking away from us. But this is also frustrating when we see an end. Our goal weight. Only 50 more lbs away, especially after losing 110lbs looks very close. You might have 7 lbs to go, but feels like a life time. Reading someone's blog (almost caught up) I'm made aware of another person's struggle of what I go through- the constant little losses, a sudden small gain, then a big loss. Rinse and Repeat. It makes us feel like we are getting no where fast, though one day we wake up and we are almost there.

I can be focused on the numbers, I can play the numbers all day long. If I only lose X amount in Y amount of time. But I am realizing we are so focused on the numbers we forget that we have a destination to prepare for. We are transforming into new people, healthier people, thinner people. Happier people? We should not sleep walk through this phase focused on numbers and inches. We should lift our heads up and figure out what we want that destination to look like?

I read in tonights journal that to reimagine the house, or get it to what we want, we should create a book, a binder of sorts and start collecting samples of what we want, a picture out of a magazine, and such. I think we could do this as well. Not just put in magazines of dresses, but of how we envision our life. People doing yoga? Riding a bike? Marathon pictures? Maybe we see a picture of a picture perfect family eating watermelon and sipping water with wedges of lemon? Anything that sparks how we might want to live and then try to realize these things in our life. We will never be 'picture perfect' and I do not advocate it, but find our Authentic Self within that picture. Find a yoga class perhaps. Buy the healthy foods. But with a road map, and a mental reminder of what we want will make it true.

I used to totally suck at hitting a ball when I was playing fast pitch as a teenager. Then I got a coach that told me to sit, close my eyes and while waiting in the dugout for my turn, envision myself hitting the ball. You know what- I did hit the ball A LOT more!!

It is our turn to take control of our healthy lifestyle and find things WE want in our lives before we just sleepwalk our way back up 10, 20, or 50 lbs.

quick update: Need input and help from others

Hey guys,

So I have had to deal with some dizzy/woozie issues every time I make a semi-rapid move. I have noticed that just getting up is causing some woozieness.

So question: I did a 36 day round, took a 14 day break, and now I am on day 14. Can I stop and go into p3(after the 72 hours) right now??

I am going to take a full p3/p4 break. I might not start till about August so I can let my body settle down.

My husband and I did the math. I have done 211 days of hcg since August and I think my body is DONE! I read something about a constant high fat diet on the liver. We have done that with hcg through our body fat (Does it get processed by the liver though?)

So please let me know something, anything you would about this situation. I'm ready to stop tomorrow if I have to!!


Saturday, May 22, 2010

R4P2: Day 13

Weight: 174.6 lbs
Total Loss: 11.6
Total over all: 109.2

A little loss today but I will take it any day over standing still or gaining! :) heh. I'm pretty tired tonight. Wasn't such a long day though, but I had fun hanging out with some friends and seeing the inlaws newly painted trailer afterwards. Pretty spiffy!

Tonight's Theme: The home of your Dreams

Notable sayings: House shelters Daydreams, Take what you want, but prepare to pay for it, dreams extract a price, Dreams cost money, sweat, frustration, tears, courage, choices, perseverance and extraordinary patience and LOVE. I dwell in possibility, The home of your dreams dwells within, find it in the secret sanctuary of your heart today before you can cross the threshold of tomorrow!

Our home, our temple is our body. We will live in our body till we die. We have lost fat not only because we were dying of unhealthy habits, but I bet we all can say that we didn't like what we saw in the mirror. It made us unhappy. We might even have been able to separate ourselves from the fat, and realize that our 'fat suit' made us look less then desirable to ourselves. There are those that try to love the fat and live with it, but I feel that the fat is NOT us and it's unhealthy. But we need to love ourselves inside, under the fat. Because once we are thin, it would be pretty shallow to love yourself just because you look fabulous in that tight butt of yours! What if we did that to someone else? Wouldn't we call someone shallow if they came up to us and said "I NOW want to love you and hang out with you!"

Make your body the home of your dreams. We are under construction while we take off the lbs, but once we are ready for wallpaper, we should find ways to accent the body. What do we do with a part of the house that is hideous? We don't simply cover it up, we move away stuff, find furniture or a lamp to brighten it.

I hate my thighs. Right now they have become saggy. They are the worse part of my body, but I will tell you right now. I look awesome when I stuff those sausage thighs into a pair of pants! It shapes me and gives me some hip action. :)

We need to accept our flaws, love ourselves and let that be an opportunity for a challenge. To liven ourselves to find an amazing outfit that sparkles on us! I bet some of us are having to buy whole new wardrobes because of the change. I know that I need to start focusing on enjoying my body and finding wallpapers and paint that make me excited! Before, when I was size 24, I just bought what fit decent enough, but now I want to shine.

We cared enough about ourselves to follow through on this diet and motor ourselves down the track of health. We need to follow through and realize that we need to expand that love to continue throughout our life. By the things we eat, but also by the things we wear. You don't have to show off a lot of skin, but find colors, styles and cuts that flatter your body type/shape. As we focus on doing good by our bodies, we should focus on also doing good by our soul and mind.

What do you love about yourself? What do you hate about yourself? What can you do to change it or turn it into a flattering feature? Try this: Lets say your in an interview, we are never allowed to say mean or bad things about ourselves. When they say "What do you like least" Find what you do find that you like least but turn it into a way that still shines it!

Lets get creative! I'm curious what you guys have to share! :)

Friday, May 21, 2010

R4P2: Day 12

Weight: 175 lbs
Total Loss: 11.2
Total over all: 108.8

Evening! Feeling good about a .8 loss. I have been a little light headed, but TOM is coming! :P I hope that is the cause of the occasional wooziness. I did my hhcg drops wrong and tilted them too much, well, making it go up and down gives me smaller drops, and I notice less hunger over all. So keep an eye on how you do drops. I hate shots so much, but I like that it never really goes over or under every day. You get the right amount huh?

Tonight's Theme: A Nest of Comfort.

Things that jumped at me: cozy nests of comfort, the essential spiritual grace our home should posses is the solace of comfort. authenticity, comfort to cradle the body and soul.

This idea of making a physical space in your place to create a nest of comfort. I think, instantly, FOOD! That is what seemed to get us into this mess in the first place right? We don't eat bad foods because we hate it or makes us uncomfortable. They are called comfort foods for a reason. I think we should try to focus on finding comfort space instead. What are things you like, what are habits you see others doing that bring you comfort.

We need to change our comfort foods if we are to stay at a healthy weight and not get us into trouble in the long run. I realized, in p3 I had to eat differently and I had come to the realization I really like peanut butter (non sugar) and apples. I even ate it as a lunch it was so yummy. Normally I would grab a p4 thing which would make me gain weight, but I found renewed happiness in this new item. But I think I need to go one step further than this, I think we all do- we go to comfort food because we are unsettled.

I think we should make a space in our home for that. A comfy chair, a new tea pot, something that makes US feel special and gives us the ability to move away from foods and use time and place as a comfort. If we could just move ourselves to our bedroom and snuggle up with a favorite comforter while looking at an amazing painting/poster/picture that somehow inspires us. That would be our bite of macaroni or tub of ice cream. We should delight in food, but NOT use it as comfort. Not lean on it as a crutch to get us through a hard time, we should have a space to do this. Go there and maybe pick up a photo album of all the happy things.

OH! Take a 3 ring binder and put 100 of those plastic sheets in it, and start filling it up with personal sayings, pictures of family that makes us happy, of paintings, or anything. Pressed flowers, tickets to a great musical. Anything that can help us get us through our moment. Maybe the 1st page should be of a picture that gives us hope, inspiration and motivation to pull us out of the dark and realize, this is our food.

This will give our souls the nourishment that no ice cream or pretzel could ever give us!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

R4P2: Day 11

Weight: 175.8 lbs
Total Loss: 10.4
Total over all: Less than 108.0

Evening, So I have had a weird situation. I lost a bunch of weight, then gained a bunch, then lost it all and .4, this week has been weird for the last 3 days. I'm rather okay with that. I realized today that I am near the 175. It's a nice round dividable by 25 number. I like those type of numbers so I feel very progressive. I feel like I am really on my way from the close 180's as well. heh.

Tonights Theme: The Art of Puttering

The entry was short, it spoke specifically of that home tending when we just go through stuff, move stuff around in that sort of spirtual, we don't have to do it, we are in a mood sort of way. I didn't know how to fit it into an hcg journal. But the last bit spoke volumes to me, and what is the part I want to share and talk about.

Sarah Ban Breathnach says it so well - regardless of where we live, urban or rural, each offers fertile ground to sow our dreams. Puttering scatters seeds, in time we will reap an abundant harvest of contentment.

I have always looked at puttering as the mind taking a break and taking in the moment. So it's a bit of a turn around for me to see it this way. We hear puttering as a negative, as we say 'emotions' are not something to share. But we realize there is great healing that happens in being in touch with your emotions. Maybe puttering is a way to get in touch with us. I still am a bit shy on the word. Sigh.

Regardless- Where ever we go, there we are. We can not escape ourselves. Regardless where we live, we have our bodies. We can not as easily let it slide like a junk room. We are in the moment, we are suppose to be present in the moment with everything that goes on around us. What we put in our mouths, and the stress we allow our bodies to be under.

No matter where we live, our bodies offer us fertile ground to sow our dreams. We can plant a seed in our minds and let it grow, our motivation and determination is the fertilizer that lets that thought and idea, that dream bloom.

I think if we allow ourselves to take a moment when we give ourselves a dose of hcg, we can let this idea of 'thin' of 'healthy' of 'better well being' germinate. I think this can give us the strength to make today the best day as well. To imagine the amazing foods we can put in our mouth.

How do you imagine your life after hcg? When you see yourself 10, 30, 140 lbs lighter, what do you see yourself wearing and doing? I see myself wearing some sexy clothes and twirling without stumbling. I see myself more active, I see myself cuddling and not taking up so much room. heh. I see myself 'being normal' and not worrying so much if someone just saw me eat something that is not 100% rabbit food.

I think the mind is a powerful thing. I think whatever we plant in there, be it weeds or flowers, ivy or sunflowers, they will grow as we feed it. I see this also working with outlooks and attitudes. It is what makes the difference between "Oh this diet is awful and I don't lose fast enough" and "Oh, this diet is working it's magic and when the timer is off, I'm going to be healthier and more amazing!"

I think it's the seed we plant in our mind that determines our outlook on life and how happy we allow ourselves to be! What are you planting in your head? Is it beautiful, or one more excuse not to accomplish what you know you can do! Skies the limit folks! Skies the limit!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

R4P2: Day 10

Weight: 177.8 lbs
Total Loss: Less than 10
Total over all: Less than 107.6

So, I had a big gain. I can feel bloating, I think I am Ovulating. I also think that I have amassed some water weight because I took too much magnesium which REALLY cleaned me out on Monday. So I might be hording water due to some dehydration. I've been pretty good at not cheating, with pretty much it being some nonfat milk every day in my coffee. I am moving over to tea which will reduce the milk intake. :)

Tonight's Theme: Order Within

Things that stuck out to me: order within, mental closet, what drives you crazy?, look at yourself with compassion, bookend reflection in your day, your own devising, it all starts within, Mother time does not rush- 7am will not tell 6 am to hurry up.

I'm sitting here thinking of what awesome words I want to write, but all I can see are imagines of how I try to manifest this in my life. I enjoy having a rhythm to my day. I hate rushing, so I realize I have to prepare more in order to make this happen. I also have tried to limit what I put in my life so it doesn't become too much that I have to rush to do it all. I have put up schedules like "I will work on web design on Thur and Sew bags on Tuesday". With this I feel more in tune and flow with the world.

I wake up in the morning and allow myself time to wake up. My son sleeps in our bed so I wake up slowly with him. He is also not a fast and ready to go kid. We snuggle and I just enjoy his presence and the whole day seems to be one of smooth.

I think if we make something a priority, then we make it happen in our life. If we really don't want it, we will find ways to impede it from becoming routine in our life.
I like the idea of book ending our moment of silence. Or reflection. We can take about 5 minutes at night, while in bed, to think about our day. What we have done to make it bad or good.

I wonder if we can take a moment, like when we put drops of HCG in our mouth and take a 5 min time out. I mean, we have to wait till we can swallow right? Unless you do injections, but I bet you could take the time to think and reflect how it will be a good HCG day. That this medicine will help us become healthier.

There is something I learned from a personal place of mine that I take with me and I feel it has given my life an easier path to follow. There is this flow of energy (call it what you must/want) that flows through us at all times and we either bask in it, or we fight against it. If we let the current of energy flow through us life seems to take on a more settling feel. Sort of 'go with the flow' mentality.

IF we constantly push against the current of our daily life it will fight back or at least make it extremely hard. If we allow ourselves to go with the flow of things and find a branch downstream to hold on to, or a raft to climb on we fair a better chance of having that peace within, because we won't feel so at odds with the world.

Not saying we should allow the world to dictate what we do, but I bet we can find better ways of doing things if we don't push so hard against the current.

What makes your life so unsettling? What keeps you up at night and what makes you shoot like a bullet out of your bed in the morning? Can you drop something in your schedule so that you can take a moment for yourself? Can you ask others to help you out, to take on their own responsibilities instead of expecting from you because of a title you hold? (Example: Just because your a mom doesn't mean you have to work a job AND do laundry AND do dinner. Do it together as a family. or Delegate!). Find ways to streamline your day, which might take a little work at the start.

Once it becomes habit you feel so much more settled, and quiet within. And once you have order within, any outside disorder is easier to deal with.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

R4P2: Day 9

Weight: 176.2 lbs
Total Loss: 10
Total over all: 107.6

I want to say that everyone's feedback as been just as invaluable as you seem to to find my posts lately! Thank you SO MUCH! I thrive on outward acceptance and praise. Sometimes it seems like a shortcoming of mine, but hey, you better understand that I might also be a person who sincerely appreciates the praise you dole out!! I will carry you and your wonderful words in my thoughts all day long!!! :)

Theme Tonight: Simplify, Simplify, Simplify

Words that jumped out: the clutter resembled an archaeological dig- small stacks of artifacts. Spirituality, simplicity and serenity - sacred Trinity. None of the great spiritualist had junk drawers.

I think her idea was to clear the junk drawers, clear your soul for simplicity, Spirituality and serenity. I found another meaning to apply to our hcg journey.

Within the clutter find the meaningful. As an archaeological dig might seem to unearth a mound of rocks, these rocks have meaning within them that might not be apparent right away or to others.

Do not simply discard our clutter calling it useless. We have bought, found and collected many of these things for a reason. In that reason I think we might find our inner problems or challenges to overcome, and be able to release them like butterflies.

I look into my desk. I have a desk that my parents gave me after my grandmother died. This desk belonged to my grandfather. It was the desk I used to climb on as a little girl to look out a window at the school across the street during visits to Germany. But this is a story about the clutter, not the desk, though it's a cherished piece of mine, yet I fill it with clutter.

I do have business cards or business card items that I find useful, but I found: 3 cherry lip glosses, a shell, 2 of the SD cases (little plastic holders), and this plastic knob thing I know goes to some massage machine I can't find. I keep the knob particularly because 'what if I find that darned machine' yet I don't want to use it because it is not in my life now and i Don't feel it's loss. But I want to try to keep all the pieces so if I give it to charity, They want all the pieces I bet!! I do this with my son's puzzles I have bought for him in the last several years along with various boxes full of stuff.

I keep it out of fear.

Why do you keep your clutter? Out of excess? Did you get fat because you had a psychological issue you couldn't deal with?

Is it still there?

Just because we become thin in our body, we don't necessarily become healthy in our mind. These things will ultimately impede us from having long term healthy body success.

Why do you own the clutter? Why did you allow yourself to own the clutter of your body? Do you have a hard time saying no? Do you have a mentality of 'live today, die tomorrow so who cares what I fill my body with?' Do you find yourself having a hard time controlling your urges?

I love to be addicted to things. I find healthy legal things so no one bothers me. Yet food became just as addictive as a drug. The acceptable drug apparently. No one cringes and says something when you eat a plate of pasta. My fat came from that sort of food. I stayed away from soda most of the times and never would indulge in a donut. Loading was my first in over 15 years I allowed myself a donut.

My body clutter came from emotional eating. I HATED to be left out of anything. I would eat what was around me to be part of something. I would eat 3 meals because I didn't want to be left out of the different dinners. I didn't want to be left out. Jenny Craig specifically failed the day I sat down at Lunch with my tomato soup and everyone else had Clam Chowder. I held up my arms and said 'I'm done! and I hate tomato soup'

This is what each pound represents. The years of not wanting to be alone. I still hate being alone, but I have filled it with other things. I fill that void with the love I know my family has for me. My time with my son. With the Hobbies I enjoy, and bath time with the door closed. These will only bring me more joy in my life.

I think if we understand what the clutter we are about to throw away represents, then we can not only throw away that old eyeliner, but we can throw away our fear of whatever plagues us.

So, What does your clutter represent?

Monday, May 17, 2010

R4P2: Day 8

Weight: 177.8 lbs
Total Loss: 8.4
Total over all: 106

Hello All. I was able to clean out a bit today so I should see another decent loss on the scale (hopefully). I have been drinking a lot of coffee, but I am reading an amazing book called "For all the Tea in China" and it makes me want to switch back to my other teas for a while. mmmmmm.

Tonight's Theme: The Ruskin Spring Ritual of Restoration

Things that jumped out at me: 3 things for happy work: fit for it, not do too much of it, have a sense of success in it. black holes harboring clutter. compulsion. a life time of clutter to be dealt with in manageable increments. Do attempt to do it all at once- you will sabotage yourself.

This journal was about clearing the clutter. Going through every room one at a time and allowing ourselves TIME to get organized. We didn't become disorganized in a day, or even a month. How to relate it to hcg. At first I was thinking of clothing or our size, but then it hit really personal: How fast we lose weight on hcg, and by doing it alone we judge the length of the protocol.

It didn't help that my doctor let me be on this protocol for 110 days, and I only stopped to go on a cruise my parents invited me to. I stopped for 1 week break, loaded and went for another 51 days. Stopping this time for a vacation. I took a much longer break because I didn't want to get another bottle of hcg and have 1/2 of it sitting and rotting in the fridge. I got a whole 3 weeks of p3, and 3 weeks of p4 and then started again a 36 day round. I really only stopped that one because I saw what cheating was doing to my husband. (A lot of external reasons to stop rounds)

Most people are doing the protocol like the book says, and I think that is great. I am in a hurry to get this weight off, but I need to start rethinking that again. I need to realize, that I might not get this all off by my 1 year hcg anniversary. And I NEED to be okay with that.

Our bodies are little black holes that hold this seemingly unending amount of fat, but to see myself go down 10 lbs and fit into the next size pants is such a thrill, though sometimes fleeting because I am looking for the next step.

This weight started when I was 19. I climbed a little, then went down an inch, climbed a little more and ended up at 35 years old with 280 lbs of stuff on me. Abuse, neglect, and just plain stupidity and frustration. I would love to ask why didn't I stop at the start. I tried, but never followed through. I can't beat myself up for that. I can't stop and say "Shame on you for getting that big". It happened, and now I am letting it go and in such a hurry to as well.

We are going fast enough on the hcg, and I really think I need to stop at marked points and allow myself to heal off hcg as well. Enjoy the p3 and p4 process.

Do attempt to do it all at once- you will sabotage yourself. So true. You burn out, you give up, you get used to losing so fast that you wonder why can't you lose more faster? SIGH! Am I right ladies? Sometimes we get frustrated that we ONLY lost 3 lbs in one week. Or possibly get so frustrated that our average isn't better then the next person?

It's our own road we need to focus on. It is our journey and we should let each day be joyous and realize that it's not the destination that matters but the traveling. If you think about it the ultimate 'destination' in our life is death. How are you going to enjoy the view at death? Let us enjoy the view up to the day we die, so we can't say "oh wait.. I forgot to look around"

I have a firm goal right now I realize. I want to be 160 lbs on my last day of hcg this round. I don't want it to take forever, I need to reconcider if I do hit a stall, but over all, with a constant reduction I want to be at 160. Why? I want to feel like I can have some loading weight, and some small gains during p3 and still feel like I succeeded at losing enough weight. I can see when you do 30 day rounds that stabilization or rather, no weight gain, becomes really important because you do not want to lose all you gained. (or maybe you don't want to RE-LOSE all you re-gained)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

R4P2: Day 7

Weight: 179 lbs
Total Loss: 7.2
Total over all: 104.8

Gaw! A gain! :P I did everything right! Changed nothing, I have been making sure if I cheat w/ the non-fat stuff that I am very slim and try to just go without. I have had some non-fat milk in my coffee, but nothing changed. BUT I did feel like a balloon this morning. My husband informed me he put a CRAP LOAD of salt in the soup. :P That must be it. I felt so puffy. I also haven't seriously visited the restroom. *clear throat* so that could play a role!

You won't believe tonight's theme title: Clearing out What Isn't Useful of Beautiful.

Several things that spoke to me in the book: 'William Morris urged Victorians to rid themselves of the ugly, useless, and uncomfortable in favor of simple and 'honest'. Restore order, would you be mournful if it's gone, ancient law- if we disire more abudance in our lives, we must create a vaccuum in order for us to recieve the good we seek.

Applying this to HCG is easy! :) Clear out our fat. We can't say to our thighs, okay, you gotta go! But that is the amazing thing about this diet, it will! Plain and simple, our body will reform in the image it is suppose to. Accept it. But we are getting rid of that inch or two that we used to take up in the seat. We have simplified ourselves.

But curiously enough: Do you mourn it? Will you be mournful when your fat is gone? What did the fat hold for you? The walls are now down. We can't hide behind uglyness. We can't use it to keep people away. We can't use it any longer as an excuse not to get up and do something. Does that make you happy or frightful?

I think our bodies will function better. It restores the order to have our bodies given back to use, uncovered and uncluttered by our fat. I realized again today that it is a joy to drive in my mothers Volvo because I don't feel so squeezed into the space not made for a 280 lb woman.

This also gives us an opportunity to bring sexy back! ;) We can also pick out new clothes that we feel shows us off beautifully! I don't have to wear particular clothes because they are sensible for a 280 lb body. NO WAY! I went to the mall today and I feasted with my eyes the styles I would like to cover myself in. NO, not cover, Celebrate myself in!!

This could also apply to the hobbies we have, the stuff we have in our home, and the tasks we take on. If it is something you don't enjoy doing, find a way, if it is important to do and you can not drop it: Find a way to make it simple and beautiful! If you can drop it.. what are you waiting for!!

But this is our time to unclutter and create us into an imagine we can celebrate ourselves! Take the opportunity to reinvent yourself into the person you are in your head! Let them shine for once! It's the authentic self!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

R4P2: Day 6

Weight: 178.2 lbs
Total Loss: 8
Total over all: 105.6
Lbs left to lose to get to 123.8: 54.4

Hello All! Today was a good day. I got to garden. Since both my husband are on hHCG we were winded pretty quickly, yet we got enough done to feel okay about it.
We moved a LOT of things around. I pulled up a 'fake grass' area to create a more natural backyard. Stone paths and create a sitting area in an area I had given up on, though I love it so much. So I am clearing it out and putting chairs. That will take a while. I will show pictures one day!

So I have an idea. I got the book "Simple Abundance: A daybook of Comfort and JOy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach a LONG time ago. Never really used it much. Maybe a day or two. I was being such a perfectionist that I would wait for Jan 1st to role around so I could start to use the book. HA!
Well, today I started working it, so I am going to try to, regardless if I am in a round our not, post here what I read and how it relates to hcg and the whole protocol.

So today's topic: Progress, Not Perfection!

Doesn't that scream so loudly to us? Some words that popped out: 'perfectionism is self abuse", "Perfectionists rarely know a moments peace" and "It's real and it's wonderful" in response to a craft the woman made to show it doesn't have to be like the magazine.

I think that sometimes we push ourselves to be so perfect we set ourselves up for failure. We also don't take risks either. But we did didn't we? We started the HCG diet even though we might have had doubts that it would work for us! But now we have to realize that whatever our bodies become, they won't be these picture perfect model quality bodies, yet they will be healthy!

My husband has picked out, online, several bikini's he hopes to see me in when I am down to my goal weight. I look at my thighs currently and I get so depressed that I won't be able to look great in said bikini. I won't have that 'perfect body' but that won't stop me from trying to acquire the goal weight, and also- if I don't get to my prescribed goal weight, will I be a failure?? Should I KILL myself with hcg to get to a particular number, though the body in the mirror is something I can fall in love with, or already have? Do I need to get into a magical numbered clothing size? NOPE! Well okay, I do want to get back into size 8 at least. heh.

I also think about the perfectionistic want to do the diet PERFECTLY and it doesn't help that the Doctor sort of says so on page 44 of his manual, though if we do listen to him then we 1. shouldn't do the diet w/o a doctor and 2. Use injections.
Not saying we should do a free for all on pizza during a round, I'm saying that maybe if we make a mistake once in a while (not a planned force eating) we shouldn't feel like such failures. I hear a lot of folks saying 'if you do one thing wrong you will never stabilize and the whole diet would have been a waste'. I get wrapped up in that idea and what to believe, but at the same time, should we expect ourselves to be 'perfect' on the diet. Maybe we should strive for 'complete clean' because we know it would be good for us, but not kill ourselves over real mistakes. Real life happens and we need to be okay with that. Find out why you did it, there might be some self sabotage going on.

If you find that the diet is TOO hard to be on. I would suggest stopping and go find a shrink. Go to therapy and get yourself mentally clean before you get yourself physically clean. I swear it does wonders. I started out eating to fill an emotional void. I have cleaned my mind of that. I eat to nourish and for great tasting food. Now a days, 'great tasting' has taken on the meaning: Good wholesome ingredients, fresh and high quality. I will splurge for the 'cleaner' chocolate that is healthier for me. Just because it tastes so wonderful, plus only eat small bites. (not on p2 of course)

I do have a big food issue though now. I have to stop eating when full and satisfied. I'm dealing with the 'clean your plate' syndrome. It even happened today with my chicken and salad. :P I could have stopped 3 bites ago. So that is my work.

So realize, Your real! and your Wonderful! We make ourselves more and more wonderful every day. Take care and I plan to talk to you all tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

R4P2: Day 2

Weight: 180.6 lbs
Total Loss: 5.6
Total over all: 103.2
Lbs left to lose to get to 123.8: 56.8

I have lowered my goal weight. I will aim for 123.8 since I 'should' be in the 120's. But I can change it just as easily! GO ME! ;)

So i'm on my 4th round. I am going to do about 30 days. Give or take some depending on how I feel.

I stopped my Nuvaring birth control and I FEEL so much BETTER!!!! :D WOOT! I feel optimistic and happy about the next 30 days! To a point I guess.

I read an awesome book: The school of Essencial Ingredients. It makes me want to write my hcg cookbook. I have so many fun recipes to come up with and share!! :)

This round feels better also because the hhcg I am using feels more potent. I could tell a difference from this one and last one. I think it's also that we are going to have clean eating and stay away from cheats.

Okay: The cheats that I WILL have are: Nonfat sourcream of no more then 2 tablespoons in a dish.(Mostly used as a salad dressing), non fat milk to cut the bitterness in coffee, and some nonfat cheese to go w/ an apple if I eat it raw to deal w/ blood sugar issues. (will try to microwave the apple though).
This will be a 'special cheat' and not a 'because it's my dinner' cheat. So that should help a lot. I will drink coffee every day since it has been a great appetite suppressant for me. Not sure a good/bad thing but it is what it is.

But nothing else may pass these lips! :)

But I'm excited. I lost 5.6 lbs during the first 2 days. This gets rid of most of my loading weight. I hate gaining while loading. :P

More later! I Have to go drop off the kid at OMA's and Opa's and then go on a 'date' (we go to our local gaming shop and play games for 2 hours w/o kid!!)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

R4: Loading!

So I am casually loading because I have taken a 10 day break, on the outskirts of not needing to load, but it's fun. Gets the ice cream need out of my system!

I am feeling a renewed sense of hope!

I have decided to write a cookbook that is more than just a cookbook. Details will be forthcoming in the future as I move along w/ the project. It makes me happy, and I hope it helps me lose my last 60 lbs!

I have been completely transformed because of this diet. It has shown me a way of eating I didn't think I could achieve on our budget. Though I do love to splurge for good cheese! Fresh Veggies though- constantly? That seems expensive, but you know what? It's more expensive to get fat and hurt yourself!!

I'm feeling more zen in life, maybe it's because I am full of Klondike bars! ;) But I also stopped using my birth control (no babies though for me please) and we realized it was causing me to be moody, depressed and generally a butthead. It also didn't make my yahoo feel good at all, which also lowered my sex drive... why did I want the birth control again? LOL. It was Sex control too!

I am reading an AMAZING book that I think you all should read! YOu guys love food right? It's what got us here right? "The School of Essential Ingredients!" This woman is an amazing write and I just can't get enough. I'm almost done w/ her book!

Life is good, and I'm going on my 4th round! I'm going for 30 days and take what I can get weight wise. I saw a woman post on a newsgroup that she attributes her lower loss days to the skin tightening up more. She is noticing this round for her that her skin tightens! WOOT! I Hope that will help me through this round if stuff goes slow! My thighs look like stretched out pants. :P But my under arms are looking nice though! :D

My husband said we might go in for a boob job if my boobs sag too much. We will see. One day at a time. It's now time for me to zen out and work on enjoying the next 30 days. I also want to see about getting creative again in the kitchen. I made a p2 burger for my friend that he enjoyed while the rest of us had bacon bits mashed into our burgers w/ buns. :P He dealt with it just fine and said my creative burger tasted yummy. I had fun with mustard and spices and then I put it in the toaster oven with rosemary in there for scent! :) mmmmmm. Looked yummy

I will be doing weight the first full day of 500 at this point. I don't care to know about loading weight. :) I am putting my 'starting weight' at the start of my 500 day. Thank you very much! :) hehe. I hope I don't gain TOOOOOO much. I just don't want to have to lose ALL this stupid weight to get to the 'real' weight. heh.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

HCG free week

Hello All!

I jumped almost 3 days in the first day. I ate wrong. I know that. Then I ate a little wrong 2nd day, gained 1 lb. I ate 'PERFECT' the 3rd day and lost a little. :P Go figure. Do the right thing and you get reward.

People- it's not really worth cheating on this diet. You slow yourself down, but I feel the biggest thing is you don't 'cleanse' yourself from your cravings. Just eat clean and you will eventually be rewarded... I hope.

I am dealing with hcg burnout, but will take the 10 days off (maybe more? no clue, we will see 10 days from now) and start to do 30 day sprints. With 10-20 days off. I don't want to totally 'stop' the hcg lifestyle, it has become such a part of my life. LOL!

I also just want to be 'done' with it. Though the closer I get to size 14/12 pants I cant help but think... What will be my final weight? When will that turkey button pop out of my navel?

I am 5 foot 2 inches. (I swear I shrunk) Looking at various celebrities (that are healthy thin, and seeing pictures of helderheid, I realized I COULD safely get to 120. My mom looks at me with skeptism w/ that weight. Then asked "What should MY weight be?" She is 5 feet 7 inches, so .. um.. more than that! :) I said 140-135. I hope I was close to being right.

So I was 145 in high school. I wore size 8 clothes. I still have size 8 dresses from that era. I think I could stop there, but that seems TOO high still for me since the 'charts' say SMALLER! and with this diet, why not? I won't get to go to unhealthy sizes w/ this diet. :D

So lets see. I do a 30 day round, get maybe 15 lbs. That is aprox 4 more rounds?
I like doing all these charts and math. :P We will get there when I get there. So what! Yes, if I say that enough I might believe it more and more. LIke I said. I just want to be done!

Folks- Don't forget to drink your water! :) Be healthy and enjoy the ride! Take a break when your brain is overloaded! We need to take care of our bodies AND our minds! :)