Sunday, July 25, 2010

Lazy Days

Hey Folks!

Thanks for all the feedback!! I am back and forth. I'm not in the mode for commitment right now. I'm in a lousy mood too. TOM I love you so. :P heh. Just a lot of stressers going on in my life.

I think I am going to concider going to a therapist at some point. I want to find out the financial obligation to it though. I know I have a lot of anxiety if I put in too much into my life, but to most people that is a 'normal' load. I like to stay home. I like to not leave the house, I honestly hate going to places that create social obligations like "Your son is part of a soccer team, so if he doesn't participate he will look like a freak" At least that is how I feel. My kid is a free focused child I realize. If he wants to run the white lines of the soccer field, he should be able to do that, but I want him to participate because I dont want others to look at my kid weird, but what he is doing is not weird to me!

I just can't 'not do it' or 'feel obligated'. It doesn't work that way for me right now. heh. I can't simple turn off something that is so ingrained in me.

Folks. I think we all have some issues that can't simply be turned on/off for the benefit of others. I think we are who we are because of our birth, our life style and how people have treated us, a strong force like parents or possibly teachers and friends. It sticks.

I talk a LOT. I do. I love talking alot. I Love sharing. I feel I have something to say, unfortunately I realize that the more I talk, the less my words have power. It's always those people who keep their mouth shut and make 1 keen observation in a group that everyone seems to listen to. THey do not seem to talk just to be heard. I don't normally do that, but at the same time I explode with a crap load of stuff.

I also feel like I can change anything, so I want to go to a therapist who I can PAY to listen to me talk while we figure out what tools will work best for me. I also want someone to call BULL SHIT on me. I think sometimes I talk my real issues away. I actually did that with a councilor. I would talk about THAT THING WAYYYY OVER THERE so no one would notice the real problems I have. Who wants to deal with the real stuff that is painful?

I love eating. I love putting good tasting food in my mouth. I don't like eating just to eat. I love flavor, I LOVE the feeling I get when I eat quality things. Maybe it be a ripe golden tomato I ate on Thursday at a farm, or the 25 cent ice cream sandwich. Some of the lesser quality items bring me joy.
I know I still out of revenge and stress. I have seen that lately. If the scale doesn't go down I eat something bad to say "SEE! This is what I should eat to gain!!! DARN YOU!" LOL.. who is that really helping? hmmmmmm. No one not even me.

I know what I need to do. I'm not mentally ready for the p2 diet, but I am physically ready. I want my body smaller, but that desire does not over ride my mood. That is why I really want to focus on trying to lose a little while I still eat. I don't want to feel deprived right now. I hate, most in the world feeling left out- hence feeling deprived.
That has to speak at a primal level huh? Humans don't like to feel deprived. This must go back to famine. I mean, if we don't get enough to eat, we freak out. We horde because we want to survive, and I think in the land of the plenty we raise that bar. So we feel we somehow deserve to feel good. I realize that If I am going to gain! I want to indulge and feel good. I hate the word 'entitled' or 'deserve'. I feel that is indulgent and gluttonous. I think these are bad words.
Though I don't feel I am intitled to be thin... I don't know if I feel like I 'deserve' to be thin. Oh.! Work ethic. You don't deserve anything. You simply work for it. You should aquire it if you have WORKED for it.
So will simply aquire thin if I put the work into it. I don't just 'deserve' it. But that is the thing though- I don't like working for nothing. I want someone to benefit from it. May it be charity work that helps another human get ahead in their life, or for me to drop lbs if I work at it.

I want to feel like I can sit down after a hards day work because I am simply DONE with my work. Though If I sit too long then I am wasting time. GOD THIS is theraputic. See. I need to simply need a way to talk to work through problems. My therapist of old was very critical of me 'talking my problems out' but if you give me enough time to WORK THROUGH IT I can figure it out. I think we all can use our tricks and methods to work things out.

What I don't like is too lengthy of posts. So I am going to stop there for a while, and think about it. then continue those main points later. I need to 'talk it out' because keeping it in (thinking) doesn't work for me.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Good Advice on lazy ears


I'm so appreciative of you all taking the time to respond and give me some great feedback. What hit me the most was 'if you are ready'.... I'm not totally ready.

Honestly- I have LOVED eating normal. I had LONG rounds so I have that still in my mind. I don't know what 'short' rounds feel like. LOL. So commiting only 30-40 days shouldn't be bad, plus I get something out of it. - to fit back into pants!

Life has been up and down. I'm putting any decision on hold till after my TOM. I'm not good with decisions when I am having a mass of hormones running around making me grumpy. :(

I was thinking till I make a choice, I am going to use the p2 light. There is this woman that does a great diet book that looks and smells a LOT like p2/p3 type diet w/o the hormones. Not the 500 calories, just the type of foods you eat, you have low carb days (you still eat certain types of veggies).
I will think of the name of the book. I just feel it's a good book to follow if you want to lose some extra pounds w/o going on p2.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Another day another thing

Hey All,

A quick hello, I do not want to fall off the radar. I will try to post something today. I came home from going out to dinner and I ATE TOO MUCH! Yes, it was veggies, but our stomach doesn't have unlimited room for that!

I'm going through TOM and i swear I gain 400 lbs just looking at salt. :P

Is it unreasonable to want to lose all my post diet weight before I go back on the diet? I find that silly yet ok. The idea of RE-lossing the weight drives me nuts, but I am not seeming to be able to lower the scale- is that a TOM thing?

I need the help of my fellow HCG'ers on this! How can I start to dump this weight? OKay, I have the answers, Eat right! lol, Exercise! lol. ya ya ya.

I am finding it easier to gain right now. I didn't do a good job.

Folks- if you think it's okay to cheat, even on some non fat cheese during the diet YOUR WRONG! I can't wait to get on the diet and do it right! I am SO not going to cheat. I didn't think of it as a 'cheat'. Cheating is candy bars and bread right? WRONG! Cheating is evening finding 'acceptable' changes too. Just stick with the diet and you will be happy with the end results. My husband finds it hard to stablize too. He did some cheating this last round as well.

I wonder if I am just shooting myself in the foot by trying to lose all the weight I gained. Maybe just do a round right, then deal with it.

Okay, okay. To tell you how bad 'okay' cheats are: I gained 20 freaking lbs in a couple months. OUTCH! It is too fast to gain. I'm not indulging too much on 'bad' foods. I do okay if I do some p3 stuff. I do actually really well. I"m in the middle of tom and pudged up! I hate that my pants don't feel right. anywho.

Thoughts, advice, ideas! :)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Hello from the dark side!

Hey Folks,

My life is going. I am going to work on getting back on the posting horse.

Honestly a couple things: I got lulled into eating instead of posting. I think that is why I gained a HUGE amount of weight. I'm doing the whole 'I want to lose the extra weight I gained before I diet again" :P well, at least I can eat normal food right? Old habits die hard, and it would be great to post.

My computer also died and so I have had to use my husbands computer for a while till I set something up. :P I hate laptop keyboards.

I got lazy, I got tired, I started going to bed earlier and getting up and going off. I know i had moments to post, and honestly, I realized those moments were me sitting on the couch eating or resting. :P heh.

I am so going to post later, for I am 8 minutes past the bed time. My son has an EARLY summer school program. Up too early for me personaly.

Talk more later. I promise not to let this page get too moldy or dusty! I love talking, I love exploring, and I feel blogging and share,and getting feedback was so healthy, plus that thought a day book was awesome. I learned a lot about myself and my diet.

Being off the diet has taught me a lot too about my old habits and how they die hard, or rather- refuse to die. I guess we are all there.

Anywho! Talk more later before I make it 10 min past my bedtime! Hugs to all!!!!!