Friday, November 5, 2010

No Rules or regulations

I have been busy with various things. Making yearly costumes, trying to find time to run/walk, and I have now gotten myself into writing 50k words in November. (

I have learned that patterns are a loose understanding of how to correctly do something. But when you do it often enough you find your own way of doing it that works for you.

When you start out on something you find yourself following the rules because the cake might come out the way you want it. I have this NEED to follow some pattern of running because If I follow it I will succeed, if not then I will fail. Same thing with the story writing. If I use that program the RIGHT away then I will write the great American novel.

If we do the diet JUST right we will succeed, if we don’t, we will lose.

Folks: There is no manual to how to live life, because I have come to the conclusion that there is not RIGHT way of living life. It is what you want to do. It is how comfortable you are. You need to find those personal rules or code of conduct. I am not saying go out and shove someone. I hate it when people think that by having no rules you go out and do mean things. I do not hurt people because I choose to, not because of some law. I do not steal not because of laws, because I don’t believe in taking from other’s regardless of how stupid, mean or ungrateful it is. I will not lower myself to them.


Life has no real rules, there are a bunch of rules that have been enforced on us because it brings about a community that seems to disfunctionally function. heh.

Who cares if you cheat on this diet. Who cares of you get one less mile in this week. Who cares if you like to watch that tv show that no one will admit to watching. If that is what you need to do to get through life, then so be it. You need to live with yourself and you need to figure it out.

I have a lot of anxiety with rules. If I don’t follow that word program on how it is suppose to be used, then I have somehow failed. I need instead, to find a way to use that program for my needs. I need to find my comfort zone, I need to think outside of the box and figure out the consequences of my actions and can *I* live with them? I am not saying that cheating on the diet won’t make you gain weight. I am saying maybe it’s not the end of the world.

I think we get caught up in following the rules so precise that we hurt our mental well being in the process. I don’t want a thin body at the expense of showing it off to my couch because I won’t leave the house.

I’m realizing things about myself, I am trying to let experiences teach me.  I am also trying to be honest with myself.

My family life growing up was that my mom had these horrible illnesses. She has RA and it’s hard on her, but that gave her the license to be the physical patient in the house.  I was a bit mentally messed up, but it was denied as much as possible because I had to be the perfect daughter. I am not realizing that I am riddled with anxiety and I could benefit from some sort of therapy or medication. This is hard for me to admit. Because I am not allowed to have problems. I am to suffer in silence and just DEAL with it!

I have had good conversations with my parents lately that allow me to have some issues because it bonds me with my mom’s anxiety. We can now relate with stuff and when we have a few glasses of wine our lips are loose. heh. It’s been nice though.

I have admitted this to my husband, and he has known it, but I have always just changed topics and now we are having more honest conversations with solutions that will be long term.

Part of it is realizing that rules hurts me. Rules of how to write, I am so wrapped up with following the rules exactly that if I step one step off of the beaten path I am a failure. This is extreme. I am not advocating speeding. heh. I am not advocating just being a dumb behind about stuff, common sense needs to play a roll, and that is the thing. When we follow certain rules to the extreme, common sense leaves the room. It goes both ways in the extreme.  Like if you go to far to the left or the right, you are extreme and meet at the same place.

In the end it’s about realizing that life has no hard and fast rules, relax and do what works for you and use those codes of conduct for yourself, and who cares about outside voices. (or even inside negative voices for that matter)

I realize I could use this advice in my parenting life as well. Stop listening to the advice from outside and follow what works for our family!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A sunday afternoon


It’s been a while and seems that when not on the diet, I don’t do as much posting. Which is funny since I am in love with writing. I am going to try to take part of the November Writing contest.

I love to walk, I love to write. I love to enjoy life as much as possible. I Love to better myself as a person. So let me find a theme for today! :)

I’m doing good though. I am walking. Did about 10 miles this week but should have taken a break since I did the 5k. I think I posted something on that. I’m all mixed up. Life is mixed up and then it calms down enough to sit and write about it. Heh.

It looks like we are on day 15th: Authentic Success.

Cute “We must all pay with the current coin of life For the honey that we taste.” – Rachel Blumestein.

When I think of Authentic Success I think of the idea of authentic being real, honest and meaningful to ourselves. When we accomplish something for other’s it really isn’t authentic. I think once we feel comfortable enough to be honest, we can truly live authentic. Why are you really losing weight? If you are happy with your current weight, why lose more? Why gain more? What are OUR goals? I think we have so many obligations to our family, to our friends and to the world. To our perceived expectations. I Think that is the hardest part. We can say “oh, my mom wants me to lose weight’ and be able to recognize it as ‘that goal’ outside of ourselves, but what about after your mom passes away and it’s in your soul. How do you know if this is a goal you want to do, or you think your parents wanted for you? That it’s some sort of self imposed expectation. I want to be size 2 because that is what the world wants and I would be accepted more? I mean for god sakes people- there are plenty of clothes in size 4 that would look good.  But if it’s a true “I feel bloated and just feel BETTER in a size 2 because that is the weight your body wants to be at, that would be authentic. That is your mind listening to your body and what it needs.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I won! In 2 ways

I did the 5k yesterday! WOOT!

So I won 1st place in Women's Walking. WOOT!
and 2: I did the best time yet for myself: 12:45 min pace!!!!

I'm so proud of that accomplishment.

There were only 100 people and maybe 50% runners and 40% of them were 'casual' walkers. So I feel like I was the only one in my 'catagory' that really pushed for a timed walk. heh. But we did it for public school sports, so they were the true winners! :)

I want to do small 5k events like this that benefit stuff like that. Breast Cancer, Women in the Congo, and various other local things that my 15 dollars would make a difference along with 200 other people. ya know?

I said I was going to walk maybe a Mile today, but ended up on the phone with the husband and walking w/ him for 3 miles! WOOT! I think what I might do next time is walk 1 mile, THEN call him and see if I get 4 miles out of it. ;) lol. It felt REALLY good to walk. I need to start working towards running a 5k for the end of February.

Thought Time:
So I have bathroom books. Not books that are about bathrooms but books I keep in bathrooms for casual or indepth reading. My bathroom upstairs has Einstein for Dummies and a Book of Zen (Need to get the title again) and the book of zen had some really interesting thoughts I wanted to share.
So the idea is that we start out 'not knowing' stuff so we do not stop at one thing in our mind. We just 'swing the sword' to block the attack, we don't think about the name of the move. Then we start to learn to become swordmasters, and in the process we learn technique, we learn names, we learn what we should do with our arms. Then we get caught up in the thinking of 'now I block with a blocking move called x' and we have a mental hiccup. We stop and stare at the one leaf to miss the whole tree of leaves. But once we BECOME the 'masters' we stop thinking of the moves and just do them. We take in the whole tree. That idea that the fool and wise person become the same. The circle has been completed.

I think we do that with diets, and hcg, or weight loss. We do a lot of not knowing at first. We just do. We make meals, thinking they are healthy, we have habits we just do! Then we learn that we need to drink water, we need to look at labels, and it becomes very overwhelming and time consuming. We make it a full time job of dieting. But now I understand- we should let that process happen. We need to let the knowledge come to us, and realize that ONE DAY it will become just as natural as using the restroom. We will eat the right thing 'naturally'. We will pass on foods that are bad, just because we don't want them. We will make these good 'diet' habits naturally one day as long as we make our conscience effort now to do the right thing.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

5k today sick yesterday

Hey folks

So I was sick this last week. The kid was then sick, we think 2 boughts of possible food poisoning. Poor kid.

I rearranged the whole house though while the kid was in bed sick. So. That leaves me at no work out for the last week. except heavy lifting.

I have a 5k today w/o walking this whole week, unless you count the 10 times up and 10 times down the staircase. Maybe more. That has to count right? It is not like I was in bed for a week. I’m nervious but no clue why. Just the anxiety and excitment of it all!!!

I ate a banana with peanut butter, some coffee a tiny little aussie muffin and water. I think I am ready. This should settle enough for a 11am starting time (it being 9:20 now).

Just writing this is upping my anxiety! Wooooooo. I will hopefully post a finish line picture IF my husband doesn’t mess up and arrive late. I am taking my phone and will call him if I have to. LOL. My parents are going as well. I am VERY happy about this, otherwise I would be in the bathroom throwing up from anxiety of having to do it alone. I hate doing things alone for the most part.

Oh, our house got painted by the landlord. Not her personally, but she had it done, I found out a lot about her history of the property. Very cool. Her son owns the construction company that does the painting and fixing. Very cool. Okay. Total topic switcher. I got my diabetie bar for energy but not a bunch of sugar (I have been more sensitive to sugar lately. SIGH) and my smart water. I got safety pins for my number. I got my ipod w/sensor for my shoe. I will be doing a personal timing. Since I know that the time goes by the first person who crosses the start line.


I should get ready to go, parents will be here any minute! Big hugs all. sorry for the absence, but I have been busy rearranging house and being sick.

Monday, October 4, 2010

T minus 144 days

Hello All,

So ya, I have been like liquid, very fluid. But I think you need to be as you find out new information. I have decided to keep walking but not push the running. I found out several things.

1. When 190 lbs you shouldn’t really run, but walking while pushing yourself is good! So I won’t do an all or nothing thing. I am walking marathons!

2. Many marathons are VERY walker friendly. WOOT!

So ya, so I am going to focus on walking a 1/2 marathon in 144 days though my sister in law wants to me work on running the 5k. We will see. In light of the new info I think I have a lot to back me for walking. I am not wimping out. I just want a long fitness career!

My birthday was yesterday. :D I spent Saturday night at a hotel with husband w/o kid. It was nice to have a little break and focus on each other. We went to a marvelous restaurant. Had great Italian food and too many Cosmo’s! :D Okay, not too many! I became a WOO girl, but all inside! I dare not to be that brazen in public! Or I just didn’t drink enough. ;)

So ya. I’m excited about the walking. I even went walking the day we were suppose to pack our stuff on Saturday. I just HAD to walk.

My pants are feeling bigger, yet my weight is slightly higher. So I think I am getting muscle? How long does that whole process take?

I want to get this posted. I will post something from the book soon. I could really use it!

Friday, September 24, 2010

The ponderings of me right now

So I took two days off from walking/jogging. I felt horrible about it. I had a lot of hours on wednesday to do it, but choose to do other things. Then yesterday I had no time, and when the husband gets home it gets too dark, though I am thinking I could walk up and down our main street which has bright lights. So no excuses. Oh, my friend also stops by on Thursdays, so that made it hard in the evening. Sigh. But I did just short of 3 miles today.

Day 13th: Thoughts on Success

I do find it funny I am so behind, but yet I find that some themes are so perfect for the day I sit down and ponder it. What does success mean? Have we been conditioned to feel like success or failure? What does success feel like and should we be embarrassed about it? It seems women are to be humble as pie. The meek shall inherit the earth right? We have been conditioned as children, some in older generations more then new generations, to keep our mouths shut, or speak with low voice. We are women after all. We are the weaker sex and should act accordingly. BULL SHIT! :D

We are strong in our right minds! Even in our wrong minds! :) We are capable of bringing another human being into this world, and BIRTHING IT! We are women! Hear us ROAR!!! Not freaking meows. Though, gentle is nice too. But come on. We can be successful. Gosh, Seriously folks. I am in the ‘set myself up for failure’ camp.

In the back of my mind if I do not accomlish a mini marathon on Feb 28th in Disneyworld I will feel like I have failed. Though in the mirror I say “oh, 5k is fine. I would be successful if I did it” and you know, most of my family would be SO proud of me. Not only did I do it, but that means till then I have been pounding pavement, getting my body in better shape, which is the primary concern of my parents. I am goal oriented and if I don’t make it I’m a failure. Why the world are we our worst enemies?? We need to be our absolute best friend. How can we cross that bridge? How can we be our own cheer leader? We are with ourselves 100% of the time. We need to find a way to be there for ourselves.

I think people think in extremes. You have to do it all or not at all. We can’t just be okay with cleaning the sink and letting the rest of the kitchen be a mess. I can’t even make myself breakfast or coffee in the morning unless the whole kitchen is clean, no matter how hungry I am. I won’t let myself feel successful unless I beat the world record holder. Miserable huh?

Day 14th: Giving Yourself Credit (great segway huh?)

I think I don’t give myself credit because I am afraid that if I say something nice about myself, someone who is listening will think I am a bad person or will say ‘strive for better’ so I need to beat them to the punch. That is why I am hard on myself. I HATE criticism of the horrid kind. Not simply how to do something better, but not getting credit from others. So when I do something wrong I have to blow it out of proportion. I have to loudly let other’s know that “ I KNOW I MESSED UP! I AM HORRID! I SHOULD LOCK MYSELF UP” and hope that people say “oh noooo, that is not true, your great and awesome. You should get a metal for that!”

I also was raise around two parents that just couldn’t give me a compliment or praise in fear of me becoming complient. Actually I don’t know why they did that, but I think it was their fear that I would sit down and relax. We can’t have that. I would call my mom and tell her about my weekend Monday mornings when I lived 70 miles away. She would come back with her laundry list of ‘stuff she did’ because it was some competition for who worked the hardest. I could never say “I worked 60 hours, so I took the weekend off. There is always house work, maybe go out and exercise or do something that doesn’t involve being ‘lazy’” SIGH.

I challenge all of us, every night, to find ONE thing that day that we can give ourselves credit for. Doesn't’ have to be a marathon. Maybe simply ‘I went out and walked’, or ‘I made sure to say ‘I love you’ to my children’, why not a simple ‘I told myself I loved myself’ or something. Hey, respond to this post with something you give yourself credit for today, if you can’t seem to today, think of this last week! I want to know other things that we should give our selves credit for. I wonder if ‘not bickering for once after our husband dropped his freaking dirty socks on the couch’ yet I feel like that is a cop out. LOL.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Are you a dreamer or visionary?

So as I am training to run I signed up for Jeff Galloway’s Newsletter. I like his ‘run/walk’ method of training. So I don’t have to learn to run over night. :)

Anywho- Well he sends this motivational letter to you to read. I caught on to something about hcg and us: Dreams vs Visions.

The idea is that dreams are able to be more then we can get to. Like flying. Being so tiny and such a low weight and skinny figure that it is unrealistic. Maybe coming in under 1 hour on a 26 mile run! Those are dreams, but they can be fairly unrealistic. Visions are like dreams, but they seem to be steeped in some form of reality and goal setting. I guess it’s like saying “I’m releasing weight’ vs “i’m LOSING weight'” (that has a feeling that we will find it later).

We need to be realistic with our goals. I talked to a lady today, she said she likes small goals that she can reach. I tend to be a big spender when it comes to goals. BIG goals that I can work on failing!

Lets start with small goals. Losing 1 lb at a time. Shaping ourself one step at a time. What can we realistically accomplish today? I want to clean the whole house, but it needs to be put into small realistic bite sized goals. We need this because WE NEED to SUCCEED once in a while, and show ourselves what setting up ourselves for success vs failure feels like. Even if it means to clean out one side of the sink by putting all the dirty dishes in the other side. ;) We just need to find little ways other than food that we can feel good about. :)

Monday, September 20, 2010

48 hours

Hello All

I’m feeling pretty positive right now. I just hope it keeps up. I wanted to go running today, but my window wasn’t there, I hope tonight after hubby comes home, and do a 1-3 mile in the park.

Day 10: Setting your own pace, or beating to your own drum can be an internal sound. I was thinking about this post. The greatest personal achievements might not be received well by others. I think we all know this one too well with just the introduction of hcg. “YOUR DOING WHAT!?! You will die! You will suffer!” Oh well, we know different. Why should we only put our trust in the hormone? Why not ourselves that if we feel that we are doing the right thing, maybe we are for ourselves! Not everyone can beat to one drum. We wouldn’t have the diversity that we have. I think we need to be respectful of other people’s decisions and I think we need to be mindful of the ones we take. Just because we really want them doesn’t mean they will be good for us, but they are the ones we got until something new comes around.

Day 11: A Psalm for life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Let us, then, be up and doing

With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait.

We need time to focus on making our dreams come true. We can’t sit around hoping we will win the lottery, we need to go out and buy a ticket. We need to dedicate just 5 minutes to start then make it bigger and bigger. I bet we could steal some time in the bathroom to read a book. We waste a lot of time during the day, and I wonder if it is because we are so overworked at times we dilly around looking like we are busy because we are afraid of really taking care of ourselves.

Find out what it is you want in life. I always say that I can’t make time for exercise, but somehow where there is a will there is a way. Find out what your will is asking you to do. Then you will naturally find a way! Cut out the crap in your life as well. Don’t let yourself get cluttered in the nuances of life of ‘shoulds’ and ‘for others’ and find some time for yourself.

Day 12: uncommon women and others.

Our Aspirations are our possibilities. – Samuel Johnson.

Being self absorbed in the making of contacts and being self puffed up. Or being a woman focused on the task at hand. To make the work you are focused on the best thing possible. I feel that sometimes we gloss up ourselves to show something we are not. We can’t seem to have strong enough stilts to keep up that act. I think if we just are, become what we can. I like what the woman says about what Wendy Wasserstein says “Every year I resolve to be a little less the me I know and leave a little room for the me I could be” How profound. The idea of shedding our souls like a reptile sheds his skin. That the soul is not possibly already formed and set in it’s way, that we don’t ‘uncover or even discover’ our true selves, but that it can come from building a soul, an authentic self. I mean, we are shedding our fat.

I do not consider myself a ‘runner’, at least not right now. I am going to run, I’m a walker though. I am a walker grabbing a ticket into a runners world. I just don’t see myself as a ‘runner’ but I will be. Maybe a jogger. heh. I am excited to run. I love to get out and walk fast w/ some jogging. I am cobbling together something here. I love labels, it makes it easier to understand what is in the box and to convey that information to someone who shares the same symbolism behind that label. “All cars go in the box labeled cars” but at the same time I fight the idea of labeling people. We can be so much more, and we are more diverse than a label maker’s stash of letters.

So I am on day 12 in the book. I want to get caught up so I can really dig into singular posts, but it’s been nice exercise to wrap up what I say in small tidy little blog spurts! :) I am long winded, so short exercises are a challenge. :) I love what HCG has done for me, but I am also interested in the training to run, which has conflicted with hcg a little bit, but as long as I eat sensibly and continue to train, I should continue to lose weight. We will give it a week to simmer and I will report that back to you. :)

Thank you everyone for reading. I will continue to post (Ya, you heard that one before) because I realize I do need it. It’s that ‘take 5 minutes’ a day to do something you enjoy and helps you move forward.

I also got an blog to your email set up so now I can read some of your folks blog more reliably. So hopefully you will see me around your blogs more! I love that we are a community of folks that help each other (though I have yet to see many men out there? Sigh.) and I really want to keep up with you guys!

Big hugs! Thanks again for reading!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

72 hour countdown

Hey folks,

So I have decided since I am going to be serious about this training, and trying it for a few days, that I need to be off the diet in order to ‘eat right’ for training. Meaning more carbs to sustain me on the 3 mile walks. I just can’t get away from trying to do a daily 3 mile walk. I’m addicted. But with that I need to eat more. I hope no one really disagrees. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to change my mind. I will say this enough times not to feel guilty to the outside world. I tried to ‘eat a little more’ and not gain weight but that seems a little troublesome right now.

I will give myself a week OFF the diet and see how it works. If I find myself gaining too much (which I need to do a daily weight and body fat calculations (I have a machine.)) I will go back on the hcg. We will make it work!

I’m excited though. I found a race RIGHT OUTSIDE my door. We have an awesome park across the street. They have one Nov 7th. I will run that one, I hope to find a 5k walk sooner though. I am itching to get these feet in something ‘official’.

I walked last week: Sun:3miles, Mon: 1 mile, Tue: 2.13mile, Wed: 1 mile, Thur: Day OFF (house work), Fri: 3 miles, Sat: 3 miles (Total: 13.13 miles)

I hope to land 15 miles this week. I did some miscalculations on several walks and didn’t make time for a couple walks because of time restrictions. But 13 miles from 0 miles is still something.

Okay- off to shower. We are going to my parents an hour early so I can get my husband to do 3 miles with me!! :) I AM HYPED!!!

I will post more theme hopefully tonight after I get home.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

p2D25 189.8 (17.2 lbs)

This I got from Autumn's Rosier Days blog who got it from Helderheid's Blog. WOW. This is a very cool video about being alone. I hate being alone, but all I could think about when seeing this was, my family friend who is now a widow, is alone in her house. We will one day be alone for some reason, I say, when you don’t have to be alone, make it okay to be alone, so the days when you HAVE to be alone are not so painful and depressing.

Day 8: Getting from here to there, Well, I think we listen to others too much. I wish we could all somehow, at least for me, figure out what I want. Especially watching that video I am struck by the personality and the things the lady surrounds herself with. She has a tattoo. She wears wonderful knit hats. She just seems to have a life she enjoys for the most part. I realize that I try to have some sort of ‘martha steward’ exterior but I never let myself come out. Why did we do hcg? For ourselves or for someone else? If it is the latter, then we need to start thinking what self motivation we need to pull out from under our beds to keep us thin! What if our routines that we have set up are familiar and nice. Miserable as they are? We need to find new ones in order to stay thin and keep ourselves motivated to stay off hcg once we hit our goals!

Day 9: The courage to answer the call. Love leads the way, or rather, sustains us through the rough moments. So, who motivated you to get thin? Was it the love for yourself. Personally folks, letting yourself get 10 lbs over weight might not start a pattern of self loathing, maybe just an oversight on your gym routine? I could totally be wrong, and call me out on it, but I have to admit, there has to be some serious self loathing letting yourself go 150 lbs over weight. And anything in-between. Why do we not love ourselves enough to eat right and do the correct thing? It really doesn’t have to be boring. I think self loathing continues when you shove cardboard in your mouth and you say to yourself “You will eat this crap and you will freaking love it!!” You might lose 100 lbs, but you loath EVERY moment of it. You still hate yourself. Once we break the self loathing, and truly love ourselves it will sustain our journey of health. We will just naturally take good care of ourselves. It will sustain our goodwill no matter what road blocks are in our way, or how dark the night gets. We will be able to be okay with it because love is our candle, our little light in the storm for ourselves.

The troops have come into my computer space (living room) so I will end there for tonight! Many blessings and hugs to you all. Stay safe and healthy and motivated for every challenge you are hit with!

Monday, September 13, 2010

P2D22: 198(18lbs)

So, it went something like this on Facebook:

My 1st sister in law: I did cardio!

My 2nd sister in law: You should do the Mini Marathon at the Disney Princess with me

Me: CAN I JOIN!!!!!

My sister in laws: Sure!

So. I am going to work towards a mini marathon, though I have my sights set for the 13 miles, I am content if I end up running the 5k. Well, not really, but I will at least do one run in the Princess Race! :) Feb 28th 2011.

So I have already done 2 walks of 3 miles. Very enjoyable. Need a good bra and better socks! My shoes will work till I actually start running more. I am doing 99% walking right now. I am working on a 15 min walking mile. I have done a 16.5(Sat) and a 15.3(Sun) so far. I feel I am off to a good start.

I get my Nike+ this week, most likely the 14th. That should help a lot. Tomorrow I plan to take it easy with a simple 1 mile walk/jog after I get some socks!

I WOULD APPRECIATE: I know there are some folks out there that are brimming with advice about how to do this right! Please share. I am going to eat extra since I am also on the diet. I had a bowl of beans and chicken right before my walk today. I am staying on my vitamins and drinking plenty of water. I feel GREAT after a walk actually, as well as during. I am not PUSHING myself, I am comfortably walking fast. I could hold a conversation if I needed to. I am doing this!! :) I will not wait till I am skinny mini w/ hcg. I am going to make this work for me!! Bare with me, but I still want advice (not the ‘do not do it’ advice please. hehe)


Okay. So I am getting behind on my theme writing:

Day 6: Work is love made visible? The what?Well, you got to read the the entry to understand that better apparently. Work can be a place to minister. Translating that. Working from the heart. Make the hcg diet more then just a diet. You are shaping yourself, what you are doing is bringing something better into this world. You are creating a sexier self, a self full of confidence, a person who is content with themselves that will be more willing to smile at someone else, to share the joy they have in their heart. Fat will not longer bind us. Will not longer be our walls. Yes, this is darned scary for some of us who used fat as a wall of protection, but now we can say hello and be well received. I was also thinking – the healthier we are the better suited to help others we become, may it be walking for a cause, walking over to a neighbor to help them mow the lawn or just sit one more day longer with our loved ones by being alive. Our healthiness reverberates through the universe and touches people. Yes, maybe those ripples get weaker as they get farther away from us, but they are still there, and they still bump into someone, and I feel that the healthier we are, the more positive that bump will be!!

Day 7: Wishcraft: Getting from here to there. I like this entry. She talks about a woman who says it’s not about hypnosis or character building, its about having real graspable hands on material to get us through the day. I call them my tools in the toolbox. We need these things, real tangible things, that will get us through a hard day, I mean, think about that box of chocolates, they manage to get us through the day, but with big consequences at the end of the week. I need and desire tools that won’t make that chocolate my tool. I need real tools like ‘walking it off’ or taking 5 minutes in a quiet room to cool down. I need to have a reason to get up in the morning, and not just something that will fail me if I don’t have the personal motivation to be positive. I think the scale can be that for us while on the diet. My favorite part on Saturdays is being home with my two boys (my hubby and son) and drinking my coffee quietly on the couch. Just letting myself wake up. That is the most favorite part of the morning for me. Think ahead and make a meal you can’t say no to that is p2. That can be motivating, the dress the hanging on your bathroom wall that your THAT close to getting into. The picture of our high school prom that we looked absolutely amazing in. These things are physical motivators to help us through the moments when ‘to get healthy’ is just not cutting it for us.

Something else that should motivate us: Pictures of our family, may it be a husband, mother or children. The event we want to participate in after we become thinner to do it (like a marathon). Blood tests that are not okay now. Seeing the sun come out, the beach we would miss, the house we would forget. Things that we can not take when we go, but provide us happiness and comfort while we are here.

I have been thinking of our family friend, and he did not take good care of himself, but he LIVED life to the fullest. As much as I admire someone living life to the fullest, I still wonder ‘was it worth it sir?’ Leaving your family behind who will miss you terribly. The friends who think about their own fathers and other members. I think we need to start thinking about ‘living life to the fullest’ and what it truly means. Does it mean beer, fatty foods and seeing the world? Or can it mean seeing the world, gourmet low fat meals, and walks on the beach? A marathon here and there? Spending time with kids w/o the heavy drinking? I enjoy wine, I admit, but there has to be a limit to the ‘fun’ we can have over all. I will not make my Faux Uncle be a bad guy, and I do not mean to write him as such, but I think we deserve to stay here another day for those we love if it means laying off the Foie gras a little bit.

I told my parents the best gift a parent can give their kid is living as long as possible (I do realize that this might not be the case for some, but I thank life that it is for me). To which my father said “ You don’t want your inheritance?” And I responded “Hey, I would rather have my inheritance spent on family group vacations and gatherings if that meant spending one more day with you dad.” I meant it folks!

Long post, lots to chew on. I am only up to day 7 and we are day 13 on the calendar. Oh well, I will catch up if I do at least 2 daily! :)

Goodnight to all! Have a great start to your week! And if you didn’t, why?! Then change it, watching something funny or inspiring! :) Big hugs!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

p2d19 190(17lbs)


So I am attempting to dig into the book and come up with something that can sum up the last 9 days worth of entries.

I love the thoughts that come out of the book: Use September as a time to make your resolutions and January to rest.

Quote: “Why do you suppose so many of us waste the autumn? Why don’t we make the effort that would provide something new in our lives? January’s negative resolutions ‘are made when we are worn out in spirit, body and pocketbook, and have no real urge to do anything but rest.” – Katharine Elizabeth Fite, Good Housekeeping 1949.

September: Reaping what we sow, turning over a new leaf.

2nd day talks about woman and the world work place. We woman work hard, maybe it be at a job or home. We take care of children and food, budgets and animals. Striving to understand who we are so that we can take pride in the work we do. Why do you do HCG? Why do you go to that effort? What do you hope to accomplish? Have you lost your path in all this focus on the details of the diet?

3rd Day: The woman’s secret fantasy tends not to be erotic, it tends to involve in just packing up and going and starting a new life. Some take kids, some don’t. But it’s the idea of going and leaving behind all the work, the worries that won’t slip off our shoulders. The bills, the feeding, the work left undone, the children neglected.

This fantasy can be very helpful since it is a red flag to say we have reached our breaking point, and that we need to take a break somehow. If you find yourself done with hcg, I really don’t care when it is in the scheme of things. You should consider taking a break. I am currently enjoying the round because I got 3 months of refresh. I realized also I needed this round because even OFF of HCG I was getting scared and hated eating because it seemed I only gained. Trust your body, it can let you know when you are either ready to stop or start HCG.

4th Day: The higher calling. What is your calling? Why did you take your first dose of hcg? Was it the real reason? The deeper reason. Do we hope that we will have an oscar? A fashion model job? A better life, more activity, less health issues? What really motivated you?

5th Day: Job, Career or Calling? I translate this to the ideas of HCG. Why we do it. What is our true calling. I think if we ‘make up reasons’ it won’t keep us on track. We can be methodical about HCG every day. It’s a job. We have to inject our self (or do drops), we have to eat exactly 100 grams of meat, so clinical. Maybe we need that to get us through the first several days, but I don’t think it will sustain us with motivation. Then we have the career. This for me is the ‘we do it because we do it. It makes me healthy, it becomes routine. The oh drum of the day. We forget about it really. It becomes part of our skin, the shower we take, the children we feed, the house we clean. Just another day.

But the Calling. This is how we find motivation and passion. To dream. To enjoy. To revel in the diet. You think I am crazy? What have you done that really gets you to revel in the life long calling of staying healthy, looking like a sex bomb, or just enjoying your body? I find it in creating recipes. I find it in enjoying foods, really enjoying foods that I can find that won’t make me gain. I realize I LOVE good quality foods.

Confession time: I have not been so strait laced with this diet. My plan has been to simply stay on it, enjoy it, and then do the ‘last 3 weeks totally clean’ when I hit 145. I am ready to be ‘off the diet forever’ and I can’t afford to take 3 month breaks that end up gaining 30 lbs. I’m okay with this, I know this doesn’t follow Simon’s diet exactly, and I know that what he offers is the way. But I need this for my soul right now.

I made something amazing. The list my doctor gave me has Zucchini on it. I made some last night, had some tomato organic soup and 7% fat ground beef with it. OMG Yummy. Not 100% on diet, but it had the right veggies, though I was mixing. I still lost.

Now I know, even if you lose weight on this diet while cheating (I had a drinking bender at the funeral, sue me, and I still lost) but I know first hand that if you cheat, you are only cheating yourself out of stabilizing, that is why 3 weeks before I stop this diet I am going to eat as CLEAN as your Mother’s floors(at least my mom’s floors, heh)! Cheating the last 3 weeks is not a good idea because I believe 100% that it is what stops you from stabilizing. I have seen a lot of people think they can do it, and they suffer. I know from reading it takes 3 weeks for our body to be clean to help the stabilizing. I did good for p3, but then in p4 I couldn’t eat bread without gaining a ton. My husband did a CLEAN round, and he did much better then when he did a semi-cheating round. Not worth it.

Anyways, I am going to end there for today. I will continue to catch up tomorrow if possible. Happy Losing, Stabilizing or whatever you are trying to do!!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

p2d18: 190.6(-16.4)

Hello All, I haven’t written because I have been dealing with a death of a family friend. He knew my father for 42 years. Meaning I knew him my whole life.

Yes, his passing is sad. I hate that I didn’t see him in the last couple years. You know you get busy and you just don’t see some people as often because you know they will be there forever!! Right? Sigh.

He leaves behind his wife and two daughters who both have family and a ton of friends and assorted other family members. He is dearly missed.

We went to the memorial for him on Monday. It was very nice to remember him and his ways. The things that stick out like a big thumb.

My dear faux Uncle, wherever you might be, may your journey continue and may we see you again in another life.


So, I did drink at the memorial party afterwards. It was amazing, the 3 close families were there minus a father and one of my brothers. They didn’t fly in for various reason. But we had the 3 families that grew up together. To see the children that we all were grown up was amazing. We vowed to keep in touch one way or another. It was nice. I allowed myself the wine, but ate a salad with salsa for dressing. Yum actually. Still lost the next day. I guess I can go on a diet of wine? me think not! No worries.


Theme: September: Harvest Month. Reaping what we are sewing huh? There are various passages starting from the 1st of September that run and build till the 8th. Let me see: Turning over a new leaf, the work of understanding. Scrambled or Fried.

I’m going to sit down and ponder what this all means and see if I can’t make one post about the days that lead up to it.

My son goes to preschool 3 x a week so I could just take some time out to do that. I am also being herald upstairs. My son would like me to be part of bedtime tonight. mmmmm I won’t take that for granted. Like above- We never know how long we are going to live so take each moment as a moment to be cherished. Even enjoy the diet in some way. We really do have amazing foods to eat, find intersting creative ways to do it and realize this is helping us not ‘begin to live’ but allow us to live it more freely with our bodies. Don’t obsess about the numbers or the pant sizes. If you can do things you were not able to do 10 weeks ago.. That is a prize in and of it’self. We strive to be healthy and look great, but not at the expense of us being miserable. We don’t have enough days on this green earth to do that! I mean it folks. I am frustrated that I let time go by without seeing my F.Uncle and it hurts my soul a little. It will heal, but it has been a wake up call to not let those in my present life go unappreciated!!


Big hugs to all!!!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

P2D10: 194.8(total 12.2)

Since I do not post every day, I will just put a running total of overall weight I have lost, I think this will make it easier over all for all. heh.

Todays Theme: Accept the uncreative moments.

The quote is so amazing, and gives me what i need to hear today: “One must also accept that one has ‘uncreative’ moments. The more honestly one can accept that, the quicker these moments will pass. One must have the courage to call a halt, to feel empty and discouraged.”- Etty Hillesum.

Sometimes we hit an empty well of creativity in any part of our life. What to cook tonight, what to play, what to write, what to even think sometimes.

I had bad news this morning, nothing earth shattering, but it changes several people in my life that i care about. A death in their family, a family friend that I haven’t talked to much lately, but I still cared about. This is a very sad moment. Sometimes I find myself un able to figure out ‘how sad’ I’m allowed to be. Silly perhaps, but I can’t be the only one that thinks that.

This was the feather in the hat of already a slow start to my week. I have been a bit overwhelmed and lacking the energy to be creative over all with my life. I have several projects to work on.

I was going to work on such a project yesterday with some friends, but I found myself wanting to JUST sit down and watch mind numbing wonderful tv! I got behind on one of my shows.

Talking to my mother in law this morning I realized, she has moments when she consumes, and when she purges. I loved hearing this because it made things in my life clear. I had consumed so much information, I was done doing it. I wanted nothing more to come in. I couldn’t process any more information. I am not quite ready to purge either. I’m in that holding depot where I just want to process what I have and have a moment not to process, nor consume nor purge. We need those days, and allow them to be PART of the process so that we can move on.
What happens with our body when we push and push and push, yet it is sick? It stays in that sick gear till we can fully take care of that part, by drinking water, resting and taking care of the cold so that we can push ourselves later. I think that ‘crash’ days have to be part of our process. The refueling, the idling. The time for our bodies just to be. Sometimes we just need to look out of our window with a cup of coffee and let our thoughts direct themselves and play tennis while we watch. Be the spectator for once.

Sort of like a garden. We tilled the soil, we planted the seeds, we watered the bed well. Now we have to wait. We watch those seeds grow into plants, but do not pick them too soon or else we just have inedible leaves to eat, rather then a bounty brimming over.

This is where I am feeling at right now. Watching my seedlings grow, yet I am too impatient. Life has a way of smacking us to remind us: WATCH THE DARNED SEEDS GROW AND DRINK YOUR COFFEE IN PEACE! ENJOY IT TOO!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Gastric Bypass and HCG

Curious- Does anyone have any information about how to do the diet after a Bypass? My friend lost a bunch of weight on it, but is struggling with extra skin and weight. Her doctor will do the skin surgery if she lost 50 more lbs.

I know she tried the hcg diet, but it hurt too much for her. We think it is because of the GBypass and her food. So what modifications would she need to do?

p2d5- 197.6 (-.2)

So I have a post from yesterday I need to post. The thought I had wasn’t expressed clearly and I want to clean it up.

I’m a bit miffed that on day 5 I went down to a .2 loss? WTF?!? Yes, I said it! This is why I don’t like the scale. I could be doing all sorts of good stuff on the inside, which is causing me to retain water for a flush later. But no, I see a low loss.

I am also overwhelmed. I found out a good friend lost of his job of 10 years due to bs reasons. You need the job, but you are at the whim of your bosses mood. If they don’t feel you live up to their high standards, they screw your life. He is a good worker and has been so loyal, but that means nothing now a days. He has a 2nd kid coming and a mortgage. I think that put me in a slight empathetical slump. It effected me.

My kid ran into me, I think it could have been on purpose and I bit my tongue and have a headache now. :( Bad mood. I gave myself a time out to cool down.

My house is a mess, I am on the computer too much, and I don’t know what my problem is. I had a great time playing with friends last night, good mood and everything. I haven’t eaten yet today. and I am sort of going through the ‘food withdrawl’ I loved eating hot wings with celery for lunch. I miss that routine. I miss some shows that are now going on fall break. Sigh. Be careful of putting food in a routine. Especially certain types of food.

I think I am in a hormonal swing. And low weight loss for today. I was hoping the 30 lbs was going to just FLY off. We will see tomorrow.

Curious- if you do everything to the rules, does anyone possibly just not weigh themselves for several days to see bigger numbers? Do you have a ‘mon/thur/Sat weighin?’

I’m curious if that is smart. The scale does impact how I feel and I hate it. I was going to simply write it but a .2 is just not cutting it for me.

My son is watching a cake making video and the guy is saying ganache wrong. It’s outright pissing me off for some reason.

Yes, apparently I am all kinds of sensitive today. Sigh. Life is hard! I think I am going to take some time off from everything, sit in the corner and just veg. I need to eat first.



Tuesday, August 24, 2010

p2D3 – 200 (-3.6)


Good Morning all.

So, I am going to start working from that book again.


Today’s Theme: Eye of the Beholder.

The book talks about having one hand in life, and another in a creative element so that you lid won’t pop due to lack of artistic outlet in life.

But applying it to hcg I feel that the quote she uses says everything- “The work of art which I do not make, none other will ever make” – Simone Weil.

WoW. If I don’t improve myself, no one will. We can use use all sort of ways to get ourselves to be improved. A new dress, a self help book, going out in the park and leaving it on the soccer field. I mean, there shouldn’t be one manual for us all on how to be the masterpiece we see ourselves as.

Write down on a piece of paper how you see your self as a masterpiece, write out how you envision what you do, how you look, what you wear. But then I want you to simply throw it away. Because I bet, this is a ‘perfect’ us, an idealized self. If we don’t reach it, we won’t be happy with ourselves huh?

I think we then have to go to a mirror and look at the painting we have created. Maybe it needs a little refurbishing, but even then most artists won’t throw out the actual painting, nor will they design a completely different image. They will take off the dust, the cobwebs and maybe put it in a nicer frame.

Don’t discount who you are. You are who you are. Try finding ways to describe your notorious ‘bad habits’ into fun things.

I talk a lot. No. I’m a story teller!

I worry too much, and am OC. No. I like to be organized and make sure everything has been taken care of. Though I do know I could use a little less worriness. There are unhealthy extremes. But I think the first start is recognizing the attributes we have and turning them into positives. Once we do that, we will see if we do take something a bit extreme, and renovate it to be more manageable for ourselves.

A new frame: Lose some weight (as we do with HCG), get a new out fit that makes us shine. A new scarf, handbag, jewelry. Whatever makes US shine! Not hides us. We are worth it, otherwise we wouldn’t consider going on hcg huh?

I think some of the hardest work we will ever undertake is accepting ourselves for who we actually are and not trying to becomes something other’s want us to be. Even harder- not trying to become something we THINK we should be.

Celebrate yourself! Look in the mirror every morning from here on out and say “Your worth it” and maybe one of these days you will truly believe it and not think it’s cheesy to talk to yourself! :)

Big hugs everyone! I can’t believe I stopped doing this. This is extremely cathartic.

Have a wonderful day!

btw: I am very happy that 7 lbs in 2 days are gone! that is pretty much my load weight. So we will see what the next several days holds. If I can get into my size 16 pants in a week from now, I will be flying high! :)

Monday, August 23, 2010

Day 2 p2 – Loss 3.4 lbs (203.6)

Hello all,

I’m feeling very unemotional today. Which is good right? heh. I feel very matter of fact about the diet, which is good. I was a little afraid I would be all ‘OH GOD I AM HUNGRY!” or something.


I made myself a coffee and nursed that all morning, then I made spinach, fat free hotdog (kosher beef kind) and 1 egg w/ 2/3rds of the yolk taken away, for a bonding agent really. I used to eat hot dogs, Spinach and eggs when I was a kid for dinner from time to time, so it was actually ‘comfort’ food for me. :) Go figure that my 2nd day meal would be a comfort food.

I really like the Windows Live Writer to write my blogs. One click everything. Gotta like it.

I wonder if also the medication puts me in a good mood. I really feel like a cloud was lifted. You got to love the ‘burst’ of energy and the happy toons in my head! Makes for a great start. Ask me again in 15 days though how i feel. I hope the same though.

I am going to just record my weight, not get too involved in it, it will be ALL about getting into size 14 comfortably. I have a bunch of pants in that size, and I was JUST about there my last round, and now I am a comfortable size 18. SIGH. I’m a bit upset that I have to lose like 30 lbs before I can ‘start to lose’ weight again, if that makes sense. I don’t count ‘already lost that pound’ weight.

So I hope to quickly get into the 190’s because of loading weight, and since I SO EASILY went up to 200 from 170’s. I hope to get there in no time in the next couple WEEKS and not start trickling the weight by tomorrow. Hehe. ya, I don’t want much. Hence the ‘focus’ on the pant sizes.

Has anyone else noticed that with themselves. If after a round they gained a bunch quickly, that weight was quick to lose till you got back to your ‘regularly scheduled program’??

Thanks folks for your well wishes! It is always nice to have a team on your side! :)

Have a good one!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Day 1 of round 5?

Hello All,

I’m now into my HCG round. I’m doing HHCG. We will see how it works. I’m always nervous at the start if the medication works. Hehe.  Was this batch bad or something. Will I STARVE and all that weight gained through loading STICK!

I am starting the round at 207 (sigh from being at 273 LDW) and we will go all the way, till I putter out! :) I realize I get different mentality on food when I am on hcg that I wish would move over to when I am not in HCG. It is just food, I don’t have to think about it if I have the fridge stocked and outside things like reading, writing or other things will have to bring me the joy that fatty foods bring me. Go figure.

Well, we are off to the zoo with our kid. I enjoy the zoo, we have a season pass that lets us go to the zoo for the yearly fee that we pay once. :) Yeay!

I ate some food, will bring an apple, so I shouldn’t be too overwhelmed. We were so busy yesterday we forgot to buy p2 type foods. Sigh. I’m feeling never prepared enough. But I will get through this.

I am going to try to start up the daily posting with my personal insight from the journal I was doing earlier. I can’t believe I didn’t follow through with it, but I was busy eating instead of writing. :P

Friday, August 13, 2010

Almost there

So I have been sitting at 198 for a couple days, though I have done good with food. Sigh! heh.

I was hoping for a bigger pay off, but i have been walking and it has been nice!

I want to be totally mentally ready for the diet, but in the end I think I am ready to LOOSE the weight. My pants think so too. They are tired of carrying around my fat behind, so they refuse to fit! Silly Pants!

I hate that part. I got rid of a lot of pants that I WOULD NEVER need again right? Ya, didn’t happen like I planned. I also wasn’t expecting to take such a long break. But it was good. So long break! Farewell! I loved you so!

Yes, I am a bit high off coffee right now. I got a new coffee maker RIGHT BEFORE I go on the diet and won’t drink coffee because it has no milk! SIGH!

I might do some non-fat dairy up to the 26 days before I quite. I think i want to do a full 40 day round. It would be good for me. We will see how I feel at the end.

Personally folks: A 100 day round was SO MUCH EASIER! I wish I just stuck out the full 150 lbs. The thing is, food is addictive, and when you live long enough with out it, you sort of forget how good it is, unfortunately we got  every couple months to remind us and that, I think, makes the diet harder. But at the same time, I think if you do short rounds to help some pounds go off, it can be nice, especially when you get close to your target weight.


I have done 2 days of walking. Tomorrow will be my 3rd day of Couch to 5k program. 3 times a week I will walk. It is a jogging program, but I just pump my arms and walk faster. I wonder if onlookers think I am weird that i casually walk then all of a sudden BOOM! :) I do and don’t really care really.

I find it funny, that the moment I do start the program our weather has turned to 90 degree’s making it more sweaty and hotter out there to really exercise! :P blech. I will look forward to walking in rain, though hot weather does burn more calories.


question: Does anyone know how to possibly create a ‘steam room’ in a bathroom and not destroy the wall and create a mold problem? I was thinking of putting plastic tarp covering my shower and only the tile bits. So I can contain it. I could do it, but don’t want to make holes in the wall. I could make a ‘frame’ since we have a sliding glass doors for our shower. Hmmmm. Might play with that. Makes the area smaller as well.

I hope all you guys are doing well! It’s been busy at the house. I have a lot of new fabrics I have been turning into bags. :D I LOVE MAKING BAGS! I hope I can sell some of these on etsy though. We will see! BIG HUGS ALL!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

2 weeks and counting

Hey folks. I am trying a Windows Live Writer to see if this works, plus to let you know that I am in the works to start HCG in 2 weeks. Less now, but 2 Friday's from now.

I went up to 204, but now I am sitting at 198 since doing the ‘right thing’. I don’t do the right thing often with food, and I forgot how much fun real meals with flavor can be. I made a chicken dish with peppers, tomatoes and corn. AWESOME! Corn and Carrots are a no-no apperently but honeslty they are better than chips, or corn dog, so I am not going to worry about it unless I have something better to eat. :)

I am trying to eat eggs in the morning and switch between steak and chicken.


Okay, I’m going to see if this posts works through this program now. :)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Lazy Days

Hey Folks!

Thanks for all the feedback!! I am back and forth. I'm not in the mode for commitment right now. I'm in a lousy mood too. TOM I love you so. :P heh. Just a lot of stressers going on in my life.

I think I am going to concider going to a therapist at some point. I want to find out the financial obligation to it though. I know I have a lot of anxiety if I put in too much into my life, but to most people that is a 'normal' load. I like to stay home. I like to not leave the house, I honestly hate going to places that create social obligations like "Your son is part of a soccer team, so if he doesn't participate he will look like a freak" At least that is how I feel. My kid is a free focused child I realize. If he wants to run the white lines of the soccer field, he should be able to do that, but I want him to participate because I dont want others to look at my kid weird, but what he is doing is not weird to me!

I just can't 'not do it' or 'feel obligated'. It doesn't work that way for me right now. heh. I can't simple turn off something that is so ingrained in me.

Folks. I think we all have some issues that can't simply be turned on/off for the benefit of others. I think we are who we are because of our birth, our life style and how people have treated us, a strong force like parents or possibly teachers and friends. It sticks.

I talk a LOT. I do. I love talking alot. I Love sharing. I feel I have something to say, unfortunately I realize that the more I talk, the less my words have power. It's always those people who keep their mouth shut and make 1 keen observation in a group that everyone seems to listen to. THey do not seem to talk just to be heard. I don't normally do that, but at the same time I explode with a crap load of stuff.

I also feel like I can change anything, so I want to go to a therapist who I can PAY to listen to me talk while we figure out what tools will work best for me. I also want someone to call BULL SHIT on me. I think sometimes I talk my real issues away. I actually did that with a councilor. I would talk about THAT THING WAYYYY OVER THERE so no one would notice the real problems I have. Who wants to deal with the real stuff that is painful?

I love eating. I love putting good tasting food in my mouth. I don't like eating just to eat. I love flavor, I LOVE the feeling I get when I eat quality things. Maybe it be a ripe golden tomato I ate on Thursday at a farm, or the 25 cent ice cream sandwich. Some of the lesser quality items bring me joy.
I know I still out of revenge and stress. I have seen that lately. If the scale doesn't go down I eat something bad to say "SEE! This is what I should eat to gain!!! DARN YOU!" LOL.. who is that really helping? hmmmmmm. No one not even me.

I know what I need to do. I'm not mentally ready for the p2 diet, but I am physically ready. I want my body smaller, but that desire does not over ride my mood. That is why I really want to focus on trying to lose a little while I still eat. I don't want to feel deprived right now. I hate, most in the world feeling left out- hence feeling deprived.
That has to speak at a primal level huh? Humans don't like to feel deprived. This must go back to famine. I mean, if we don't get enough to eat, we freak out. We horde because we want to survive, and I think in the land of the plenty we raise that bar. So we feel we somehow deserve to feel good. I realize that If I am going to gain! I want to indulge and feel good. I hate the word 'entitled' or 'deserve'. I feel that is indulgent and gluttonous. I think these are bad words.
Though I don't feel I am intitled to be thin... I don't know if I feel like I 'deserve' to be thin. Oh.! Work ethic. You don't deserve anything. You simply work for it. You should aquire it if you have WORKED for it.
So will simply aquire thin if I put the work into it. I don't just 'deserve' it. But that is the thing though- I don't like working for nothing. I want someone to benefit from it. May it be charity work that helps another human get ahead in their life, or for me to drop lbs if I work at it.

I want to feel like I can sit down after a hards day work because I am simply DONE with my work. Though If I sit too long then I am wasting time. GOD THIS is theraputic. See. I need to simply need a way to talk to work through problems. My therapist of old was very critical of me 'talking my problems out' but if you give me enough time to WORK THROUGH IT I can figure it out. I think we all can use our tricks and methods to work things out.

What I don't like is too lengthy of posts. So I am going to stop there for a while, and think about it. then continue those main points later. I need to 'talk it out' because keeping it in (thinking) doesn't work for me.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Good Advice on lazy ears


I'm so appreciative of you all taking the time to respond and give me some great feedback. What hit me the most was 'if you are ready'.... I'm not totally ready.

Honestly- I have LOVED eating normal. I had LONG rounds so I have that still in my mind. I don't know what 'short' rounds feel like. LOL. So commiting only 30-40 days shouldn't be bad, plus I get something out of it. - to fit back into pants!

Life has been up and down. I'm putting any decision on hold till after my TOM. I'm not good with decisions when I am having a mass of hormones running around making me grumpy. :(

I was thinking till I make a choice, I am going to use the p2 light. There is this woman that does a great diet book that looks and smells a LOT like p2/p3 type diet w/o the hormones. Not the 500 calories, just the type of foods you eat, you have low carb days (you still eat certain types of veggies).
I will think of the name of the book. I just feel it's a good book to follow if you want to lose some extra pounds w/o going on p2.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Another day another thing

Hey All,

A quick hello, I do not want to fall off the radar. I will try to post something today. I came home from going out to dinner and I ATE TOO MUCH! Yes, it was veggies, but our stomach doesn't have unlimited room for that!

I'm going through TOM and i swear I gain 400 lbs just looking at salt. :P

Is it unreasonable to want to lose all my post diet weight before I go back on the diet? I find that silly yet ok. The idea of RE-lossing the weight drives me nuts, but I am not seeming to be able to lower the scale- is that a TOM thing?

I need the help of my fellow HCG'ers on this! How can I start to dump this weight? OKay, I have the answers, Eat right! lol, Exercise! lol. ya ya ya.

I am finding it easier to gain right now. I didn't do a good job.

Folks- if you think it's okay to cheat, even on some non fat cheese during the diet YOUR WRONG! I can't wait to get on the diet and do it right! I am SO not going to cheat. I didn't think of it as a 'cheat'. Cheating is candy bars and bread right? WRONG! Cheating is evening finding 'acceptable' changes too. Just stick with the diet and you will be happy with the end results. My husband finds it hard to stablize too. He did some cheating this last round as well.

I wonder if I am just shooting myself in the foot by trying to lose all the weight I gained. Maybe just do a round right, then deal with it.

Okay, okay. To tell you how bad 'okay' cheats are: I gained 20 freaking lbs in a couple months. OUTCH! It is too fast to gain. I'm not indulging too much on 'bad' foods. I do okay if I do some p3 stuff. I do actually really well. I"m in the middle of tom and pudged up! I hate that my pants don't feel right. anywho.

Thoughts, advice, ideas! :)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Hello from the dark side!

Hey Folks,

My life is going. I am going to work on getting back on the posting horse.

Honestly a couple things: I got lulled into eating instead of posting. I think that is why I gained a HUGE amount of weight. I'm doing the whole 'I want to lose the extra weight I gained before I diet again" :P well, at least I can eat normal food right? Old habits die hard, and it would be great to post.

My computer also died and so I have had to use my husbands computer for a while till I set something up. :P I hate laptop keyboards.

I got lazy, I got tired, I started going to bed earlier and getting up and going off. I know i had moments to post, and honestly, I realized those moments were me sitting on the couch eating or resting. :P heh.

I am so going to post later, for I am 8 minutes past the bed time. My son has an EARLY summer school program. Up too early for me personaly.

Talk more later. I promise not to let this page get too moldy or dusty! I love talking, I love exploring, and I feel blogging and share,and getting feedback was so healthy, plus that thought a day book was awesome. I learned a lot about myself and my diet.

Being off the diet has taught me a lot too about my old habits and how they die hard, or rather- refuse to die. I guess we are all there.

Anywho! Talk more later before I make it 10 min past my bedtime! Hugs to all!!!!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

R4P3: Day 8

Weight: 175.4 lbs
LDW: 173.8

I was down to 174.2, went up yesterday to 176, then down to 175.2

I have TOM, then monday I started a head cold, taking Umka and cleaning my nose with the netti pot. I have to say, I have a more productive nasal passage. Heh. I'm plugging along and trying to figure things out for myself. Thinking of things that are important to me and how I want to make sure to keep the weight off for life and not rely on hcg or anything else as a misplaced crutch.

We are not perfect and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be. So the worse thing we can do is make a mistake and then beat ourselves up over it. Enjoy every morsel of food we put in our mouth, and if we make a mistake, then instead of hitting the ice cream, just find a balance food to eat to weigh it out. And if we enjoy that glass of wine or scoop of ice cream we won't feel so horrible. Nothing worse than eating something and feeling bad while eating it. Then why bother eating it.

I believe in planned cheats. I'm going to enjoy a scoop of naughty ice cream tonight and I am going to savor every bit of it. In fact I'm going to be the healthiest ice cream I can that is top quality because I don't get a lot, so it better be full of taste and not processed. Then it's a little less of a cheat, you enjoy more of it even if there is less mass. Also if you plan it, your less apt to go out and just cheat because you have something else to look forward to that is top notch quality. Instead of giving into your friends bar of crap chocolate, you have HIGH Quality stuff waiting at home for you to enjoy tonight. Sit in a corner and just savor the food. Don't try to eat it in 20 seconds flat. Don't try to be disrupted with talk or tv. We are feeding our soul and it becomes less about binging and feeling like crap and more about taking a moment out to enjoy the finer foods in life.

I haven't really enjoyed ice cream lately. I LOVE ice cream. I also love chocolate. So I have allowed myself 1 square of chocolate every once in a while. I bite off a piece of 72% Twilight chocolate by Ghirardelli. I am not sure if they are a eco-friendly chocolate company so I might switch chocolates, but this is a good brand of chocolate. I let the chocolate melt in my mouth and just sit and savor. I feel renewed afterwards instead of crappy.

Find a food you love and would normally cheat on. Find a serving size. maybe 2 tablespoons. Then sit and REALLY enjoy it. Let it fill your soul. I want to be realistic that we can't allow these foods to leave our lives because we might jump into a vat of it the next time we see it. Some foods you might have to get away from for health reasons. But those foods that you love. Make it a planned enjoyed thing that you can temper and look forward to. Not be controlled by!!!

What is your favorite naughty treat? And how do you plan to enjoy it with out it controlling you?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

R4P3: Day 5

Weight: 174.2 lbs
LDW: 173.8

Yesterday down to 174

I feel good. I'm going to think about an egg day. I boiled a bunch of eggs, and we have a ton more. :) I am making sure to get my water in. 2nd day was a bit hard w/ my schedule for some reason.

I am going to try to post earlier in the day, my evenings are either busy or early to bed. Okay 'semi' early. hehe

So I am taking various things from the last couple days from the book.
Winston Churhill: We shape our dwellings, and afterwords our dwellings shape us.
Thoughts from the book: You would be surprised by how much you already own that is simply waiting to be reconsidered, rearranged, refinished. Decorating shouldn't be about a room looking like a magazine, as much as how you FEEL in the room.

I think we shape ourselves to be what we want to be, if we are lucky. I think sometimes we try too hard to be what our mother wants, our mother in law wants, maybe even our gal friends want. We go to that restaurant we don't want to eat at, we do activities we are forced to, and engage our children in habits we didn't approve of. But now is the time to change that. We took the first step with hcg to take control of our life. We said no to restaurants, we said no to an extra helping of beef, we said no to that delightful dessert. I hope. I think we have everything we need to take care of ourselves inside of us. I think that we have collected so much stuff and now it's time to purge those that we no longer want with our weight, and shine and dust off those things we actually like, but are afraid of sharing.
I know I keep my mouth shut about a lot of stuff I am proud of internally because of fear of criticism. But I want to live in my surroundings the way I want to.

I am a gamer. I role play Dungeons and Dragons and various other games. Yes, it is a game, I know that. I have an active life of quilting, feeding my family and taking care of the house, plus I game. I'm a girl gamer. I used to hide this from others because it was concidered weird, but I always had to go upstairs and into a bookcase to get a book I would enjoy reading, then put it back. Now it is where I actually use them more. They are on my bookcase downstairs. People who come in my house can see them, and they need to deal with it.

I don't want to cover up the authentic self because I don't want to lose myself in other peoples expectations. Though it is hard because I HATE offending people. I'm always afraid that my hobbies, personality and spiritual ideas conflict with someone and I don't want to make them feel comfortable. Though I realize, most of the time, many people I run into have no fear of expressing many of their beliefs at the expense of others, because of this self confidence in their belief. I don't know. I'm all over the place with this concept.

I realize this is something I need to work through because I have a kid. He is 3 years old and he is growing up in my home. He will see the 'true me' and what I think about things, how I believe about things and stuff I do. He knows I like people to clean up after themselves. He knows that I game, and loves to play with my little miniature monsters, and he knows that I stress about getting the right colors on a quilt together. These are things he will grow up with, part of his soul. He can 'expose' me because he wont know it's 'strange' to some what I do. I'm waiting for the day that he tells his teacher "I played an elf this weekend and captured orcs!" SIGH. hehe.

We need to go on an excavation of the soul/body/mind as we lose this weight more amazing things underneath will be exposed. Throw out the junk and keep the gems!!

Friday, May 28, 2010

R4P3: Day 3

Weight: 175.2 lbs
LDW: 173.8

I ate bacon, cheese and didn't get enough water. I hope I can correct this big upswing. I gained some on day 1 as well. Could have been too fatty of the hot wings? No clue.

Any way to correct this without having to do a steak or egg day? Can exercise take off the pounds? Since I am not 'stablized' I should be able to lose this weight as easily as I gained it by doing the right thing huh?

Sorry I didn't post last night. My friend came over, we watched tv, then I went to bed after he left so we could get our kid to sleep faster. anywho.

Today's Theme: Steffi's Theme: Do it for the right reasons!

So I found myself wanting to be back on HCG. It just seems so much simplier to take a medication, eat 500 calories comprised of particular types of food and day dream that it was obviously not our fault if we have a gain! Which in all honestly- lets face it, if we do the right thing that has been well written out for us, it really isn't our own fault! It is pms, tom, water weight, reshifting of weight, and a whole slew of things. We know that in a couple days we should lose this weight. We have comfort in that little hole. At least I do.

I am jonzing to get back onto hcg because it's my comfort. I think that is a great reason not to do long rounds like I did. Yes I am 110 lbs lighter pretty fast, yeay me! But I'm scared. I have fear.

Are we doing what we are doing for the right reason? Are we focusing too much on the numbers because I know I haven't grown in a size. My pants fit though I gained. But I want to go down, but feel like I have no map. I ate the right things. I actually didn't over eat. No Tummy ache. I know we can process lots of fat, but I think I might have eaten too much fat.

There is a safety net in saying "In 2 weeks I'm back on the diet" because if you gain some, you know that in minus 2 weeks you will be okay. But you know what. I went on vacation and I only gained like 3 lbs not worrying about my weight since I didn't have a scale. I just ate what was cooked, drank some yummy goodness, took some walks and had fun. (I think it was the walking that helped. I REALLY walked a lot because it was an option in Mexico and it was perfect weather)

It's cold here for a May. I want the weather to change. My husband has been working over time a lot and gets home late so I am feeling a bit lazy. I'm focusing on computer stuff, and a quilt I am wanting to sew together (I got a charm pack) and that doesn't involve much movement. I still have a couple months left on my gym membership. Maybe I will just go in there during my son's preschool and do some toning. That should help.

This was a bit of a vent, and soap boxing. I think an open ended p3/p4 round this time is a bit scary for me. It holds me accountable and makes me figure out what is before me and won't let me hide in p2 for a while. I am going to work through this! We need to work through our fears and over come them. I love the support we are giving each other here!

I am going to go look into the egg day just in case. I can't go a whole day w/o eating because of blood sugar issues, but I sure can eat a bunch of eggs! One of my favorite foods!! :)

Take care everyone!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

R4P3: Day 1

Weight: 171.4 lbs
LDW: 173.8

Today was a good day, but I woke up WAY earlier than I expected. My son is a little under the weather and couldn't get back to sleep, We took a long nap. It was nice.

I had an omelet with some tomatoes and lots of spices. Some hot wings (couldn't eat much of them. Had a sliced apple with cheese for dinner. I just had some more hot wings to get my protein. lol. I will have another apple tonight I think OR my hubby will make me a strawberry smoothy w/ full fat milk. Mmmmmm.

I did have the cheese 'run through' me for the first day, so I am going to be more careful with it.

Tonight's Theme: Let Passion Be Your Decorator

Words to think: Achieving authentic harmony through our surroundings. Revising: Make work what doesn't work.Always revealing another aspect of our perspective as we discover it. Trust your instincts. A magnum opus can take a lifetime to create.

If we realize it or not. We show our selves in everything we do, say and show. We can't help it. We either are the authentic self, or the self deceptive self. We are our motivations, our passions. I think when we go to the store and pick something up, be it a pair of shoes, or scarf, we are showing the world "I'm dependable, I'm sensible, I'm inspired" I mean, every time I see a woman detective on tv run around in heals I go. "If that was me, I would put on some REAL shoes!" I think we acheive harmony if we get the things that we want. If that means conservative because that is how we feel, then so be it. I am someone who doesn't like too flashy of a print on my pants or shirt. I enjoy a nice black or tan slack with some single color shirt for the most part. I also enjoy one color jersey work out type shirts to lounge in. I am someone who likes comfort and not be too flashy. I just don't enjoy animal prints nor swirls nor polka dots! But that shouldn't stop the next person from celebrating and reveling in it.

I think we need to have a blue print for what we want our lives to look like. Now that you have that binder full of happy thoughts and what we want to 'be' in the future, it's not enough. Now we need to figure out how to put it in action. What can we do? Buy this cereal? Empty that cabinet of that crap food? Find a healthier alternative to that food? Buy those sexy running shorts and sneakers so we actually go outside and run? We need a plan of action.

Once we have that plan of action, we need to be willing to revise it!! This is the part I think I stumble on. I am going to write a cookbook. I get too overwhelmed by it. What if its not perfect. I have to figure it ALL out before I write it. I have a laundry list of recipes I do have, and ones that I made up that I want to make. But I want the book layout already figured out before I have actually tested the stuff?!? What the heck! No! I told my husband today: I am going to, now that I am on p3 and not restricted to 200g of meat a day (hehe), work on these recipes and let the other things come when they are needed. No forworring. We need to allow ourselves the ability to say "Crap, this path is a dead end, instead of boldering through to the other side I'm going to turn around and revise my map of action"

This plays into the fact that new adventures and obstacles (or as my old boss used to say "Opportunity to succeed!) show up. Maybe we find out we really don't like the chocolate brown pants? Maybe we realize, wow, orange does look good on me! Regardless of what my mom says. I do like eating this new type of veggie, or wow that alt bread is gross! Or maybe we can't deal with the vast amounts of passion we expected of ourselves, instead of tempering and stretching it out? We need to be allowed to revise our plan, as long as we move somehow forward, sometimes you have to put the car in reverse before we can move forward.

I love the line " A magnum opus can take a lifetime to create." We will never be done, at least I hope we won't, with our 'perfect' self EVER! New ideas pop into our minds, we grow older and hopefully wiser. We find out that sometimes it's okay not to learn to play that instrument because I would rather spend my time learning to knit. I don't knit. I find no enjoyment in this art because I can't do it. I can't do cross stitch either. But I have come to terms with these things and spend my time in things I can do well. Quilting, crocheting and sewing. I enjoy them because I seem to move forward when I learn them. It's not something I feel I am always at square 1 with. It's finding these talents and skills we can spend our time on rather then waste our time in the hamster wheel.

I'm glad I was able to pull something from tonight's journal. :) It seemed very bleak at the start because it was very physical redecorate your room sort of writing at the start. LOL This is a great book for anyone who wants to change their physical space a bit and get all cozy. It's a lovely read.

Take care everyone! Consider yourself hugged!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

R4P2: Into my 2nd 24hours

Weight: 172.2 lbs
Loss Today: 1.6
Total Loss: 14
Total over all: 111.6

LDW: 173.8 (I got some room to 'play')

So I want to see if I can lose weight naturally, but at the same time I just want to do this whole round right. So we will see, tomorrow I am slowly introducing foods because of the hhcg I can do 2 days instead of 3 days. (48 vs 72 hours)

My son had a parent tea, it was nice, but my son was tired, he didn't sleep well last night. Poor thing. Kept us most of the night awake, so I'm amazed that I lost anything.

I will continue to take some potassium for a bit. I didn't realize I was taking pretty much 1/2 of what I should. The potassium bottles are confusing to me. Too many choices.

I'm feeling otherwise really well. I feel I look good. I was able to get into a pair of size 14 black slacks. I like slacks, but have limited myself to 1 pair of jeans at each phase. My husband wondered who that skinny woman was that picked up his son, then as I turned around it was me! :) hehe.

Tonight's Theme: Passion: the Authentic Muse

Words to chew on: There goes life, and not with a bang, but a whimper and a whine. sacred fire burns within. If we do not express outward passion, we will experiance self-immolation- the spontaneous combustion of our soul.

This one hit me like a ton of bricks. I love passion. I love BEING passionate. I LOVE feeling passion and expression. I love crying at tv shows, kids books with sweet endings and commercials that touch the soul, even if they sell dog food to an old dog. I love writing with passion, I love getting passionate about a product, or an idea. But the one thing I don't seem to get passionate about, or at least forget most of the time is to be passionate about me and my current state of being. I am in a cocoon waiting to be 120 lbs to emerge and wear the sexy clothes and be free. I am free now. I am sexy NOW!

I sometimes find the passion in p2 and going into the kitchen to whip up something creatively. I LOVE that. I love having my parents over and 'showing off' my newly formed dish. I love sharing new found information, nothing should be kept. I think that information is power, and power should be given to everyone!

Many people have tagged me negatively as 'emotional' which is just another word for passionate. I have tried so many years to temper that, but one day I realized, it is them who is sort of sad. To not feel as strongly as me. That is what feelings are about huh? To feel them?

We need to find passion in every phase we are in, regardless if it's the fact that tomorrow night I will sit here with a cut apple and a happy amount of peanut butter, or finding that strawberries and salad make an awesome match for p2! If it's the passion of waking up to step onto a balanced scale, losing weight or making it into those pants we have held our breath for, literally and figuratively. :)

What makes you wake up in the morning? What makes you passionate? And do you make it part of your day, rather then the occasional indulgence? Passion is not like fine chocolate to be only enjoyed sparingly, and only once in a while! (though I hear some great reports about dark chocolate and to make it a nightly habit with a small square piece! WOOT!)

Have a wonderful night everyone!

Monday, May 24, 2010

R4P2: Day 15

Weight: 173.8 lbs
Loss Today: 0
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 110

No gain, no Loss. I don't remember what I said about that, if it was a sign to stop. At least I didn't get a big loss to tempt to stay on. I have decided to stop this round. With the fact that I only took a 10 day break between these two rounds seem to make it okay to stop at day 15.

I do not consider myself weak or just wanting food. I'm listening to my body and it says STOP! I was letting my mind get in the way, over think it, and then worry about what everyone else will think. SCREW IT! I don't have time to make everyone happy. hehe. Your on your own about that! ;)

I will continue to blog. I'm curious- if anyone answers I will take it into consideration: Do you want me to continue to blog about hcg w/ these themes? Or do you want me to also take p3/p4 (whatever phase I am in) to cloud my thoughts? Though I think most of the blogs lately have just been about the adventure of weight loss, and we have included p3/p4 as a part of that really right? anywho. Sigh. I'm over thinking aren't I?

Tonight's Theme: The Fullness of Nothing

In my face words: Never assume that the people in your life, especially those closest to you, won't innocently meddle in your internal affairs while you're on the path to authenticity. empty space or 'shroud' of the unknown. empty space pregnant with possibilities.

While we are on the path of losing weight, and becoming the thin folk that we are becoming, I think there is a lot of input from the peanut crowd. Sometimes we like it, but other times it's just irritating like a little tiny fly in the ear. I most realize this with other people and your kid. Leave me alone, I know what I am doing to my kid and I will pay the shrinks bills if I mess him up! ;) I think the only way for us to be authentic is to take in the words of others, but then to spit them out if we don't find ourselves mirroring them. Dump it! I think it is okay to internalize what someone says, but honestly, if it's garbage, throw it out and don't worry about it. If you know something is garbage we don't wonder "Should that have gone away?" otherwise there might be a hint of truth in it, and we should wonder why it bothers us? But that is another thing for another time.

The journal talked a lot about negative space. Like a bare table. It holds your negative space. Designers and artists know this one. Sometimes I wonder if people have to fill up everything with anything to feel full. But then you have no clarity. I think the same thing goes for weight loss, mentality and schedules. We need 'empty' space to allow ourselves to think, to come up with new ideas, and to take a breather. We need to allow for that 3 hour block to stay empty so we can use it ourselves. (personally- we always filled up our calendars if we didn't put something in them. Of course I am free on Tues at 3pm, though I really just wanted to stay home and clean a little. I now put in 'putter off time' or 'me and hubby sit on our butts day' so that i can't fill it up and can tell people "yup, busy" )

I think we need that negative space to fill up our minds from time to time so we can just go crazy and do free thinking. Like with our kids. I have taken a serious notion that my kid will not be overbooked, really just booked into anything. I might sign him up for a preschool a couple times a week, and maybe 1 activity that seems fun to mingle, but nothing like I see other mothers doing. Not only are they going crazy with all the travel. I truly feel that kids, along with any other human, needs 'putter off time'. They need to do whatever they feel like it w/o rules for a little while. Unstructured time. Especially during p2, I think we need time to sit and think about what we are doing, and just let the mind wander. Or just sit and stare at a blank wall to allow our thoughts to unravel onto the floor.

What mental shelf are you willing to clean clear today?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

R4P2: Day 14

Weight: 173.8 lbs
Loss Today: -.8
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 110

I'm hoping that the woozieness is a potassium issue, though I have been taking some. Maybe the wrong kind? Anyways. I'm tired tonight. It was a long day of hanging out with some friends, my son meeting a little girl and having a TON of fun! My husband had to work today so it was hard to be without him. He is doing a lot of overtime because work has a deadline and a lot of work to finish. Money! heh. But there will come a time that he will be done w/ the overtime! Since I really want his time more than the money!

Tonight's Theme: Nurturing Your Authentic Flair.

Words to chew on: Our real life budget may delay the process longer than our conscious minds might wish. transformation not without transition. sleepwalking to awakening. Extraordinary gift of time- time to know what you love.

Real life goes by one day at a time. It is eternally ticking away from us. But this is also frustrating when we see an end. Our goal weight. Only 50 more lbs away, especially after losing 110lbs looks very close. You might have 7 lbs to go, but feels like a life time. Reading someone's blog (almost caught up) I'm made aware of another person's struggle of what I go through- the constant little losses, a sudden small gain, then a big loss. Rinse and Repeat. It makes us feel like we are getting no where fast, though one day we wake up and we are almost there.

I can be focused on the numbers, I can play the numbers all day long. If I only lose X amount in Y amount of time. But I am realizing we are so focused on the numbers we forget that we have a destination to prepare for. We are transforming into new people, healthier people, thinner people. Happier people? We should not sleep walk through this phase focused on numbers and inches. We should lift our heads up and figure out what we want that destination to look like?

I read in tonights journal that to reimagine the house, or get it to what we want, we should create a book, a binder of sorts and start collecting samples of what we want, a picture out of a magazine, and such. I think we could do this as well. Not just put in magazines of dresses, but of how we envision our life. People doing yoga? Riding a bike? Marathon pictures? Maybe we see a picture of a picture perfect family eating watermelon and sipping water with wedges of lemon? Anything that sparks how we might want to live and then try to realize these things in our life. We will never be 'picture perfect' and I do not advocate it, but find our Authentic Self within that picture. Find a yoga class perhaps. Buy the healthy foods. But with a road map, and a mental reminder of what we want will make it true.

I used to totally suck at hitting a ball when I was playing fast pitch as a teenager. Then I got a coach that told me to sit, close my eyes and while waiting in the dugout for my turn, envision myself hitting the ball. You know what- I did hit the ball A LOT more!!

It is our turn to take control of our healthy lifestyle and find things WE want in our lives before we just sleepwalk our way back up 10, 20, or 50 lbs.

quick update: Need input and help from others

Hey guys,

So I have had to deal with some dizzy/woozie issues every time I make a semi-rapid move. I have noticed that just getting up is causing some woozieness.

So question: I did a 36 day round, took a 14 day break, and now I am on day 14. Can I stop and go into p3(after the 72 hours) right now??

I am going to take a full p3/p4 break. I might not start till about August so I can let my body settle down.

My husband and I did the math. I have done 211 days of hcg since August and I think my body is DONE! I read something about a constant high fat diet on the liver. We have done that with hcg through our body fat (Does it get processed by the liver though?)

So please let me know something, anything you would about this situation. I'm ready to stop tomorrow if I have to!!


Saturday, May 22, 2010

R4P2: Day 13

Weight: 174.6 lbs
Total Loss: 11.6
Total over all: 109.2

A little loss today but I will take it any day over standing still or gaining! :) heh. I'm pretty tired tonight. Wasn't such a long day though, but I had fun hanging out with some friends and seeing the inlaws newly painted trailer afterwards. Pretty spiffy!

Tonight's Theme: The home of your Dreams

Notable sayings: House shelters Daydreams, Take what you want, but prepare to pay for it, dreams extract a price, Dreams cost money, sweat, frustration, tears, courage, choices, perseverance and extraordinary patience and LOVE. I dwell in possibility, The home of your dreams dwells within, find it in the secret sanctuary of your heart today before you can cross the threshold of tomorrow!

Our home, our temple is our body. We will live in our body till we die. We have lost fat not only because we were dying of unhealthy habits, but I bet we all can say that we didn't like what we saw in the mirror. It made us unhappy. We might even have been able to separate ourselves from the fat, and realize that our 'fat suit' made us look less then desirable to ourselves. There are those that try to love the fat and live with it, but I feel that the fat is NOT us and it's unhealthy. But we need to love ourselves inside, under the fat. Because once we are thin, it would be pretty shallow to love yourself just because you look fabulous in that tight butt of yours! What if we did that to someone else? Wouldn't we call someone shallow if they came up to us and said "I NOW want to love you and hang out with you!"

Make your body the home of your dreams. We are under construction while we take off the lbs, but once we are ready for wallpaper, we should find ways to accent the body. What do we do with a part of the house that is hideous? We don't simply cover it up, we move away stuff, find furniture or a lamp to brighten it.

I hate my thighs. Right now they have become saggy. They are the worse part of my body, but I will tell you right now. I look awesome when I stuff those sausage thighs into a pair of pants! It shapes me and gives me some hip action. :)

We need to accept our flaws, love ourselves and let that be an opportunity for a challenge. To liven ourselves to find an amazing outfit that sparkles on us! I bet some of us are having to buy whole new wardrobes because of the change. I know that I need to start focusing on enjoying my body and finding wallpapers and paint that make me excited! Before, when I was size 24, I just bought what fit decent enough, but now I want to shine.

We cared enough about ourselves to follow through on this diet and motor ourselves down the track of health. We need to follow through and realize that we need to expand that love to continue throughout our life. By the things we eat, but also by the things we wear. You don't have to show off a lot of skin, but find colors, styles and cuts that flatter your body type/shape. As we focus on doing good by our bodies, we should focus on also doing good by our soul and mind.

What do you love about yourself? What do you hate about yourself? What can you do to change it or turn it into a flattering feature? Try this: Lets say your in an interview, we are never allowed to say mean or bad things about ourselves. When they say "What do you like least" Find what you do find that you like least but turn it into a way that still shines it!

Lets get creative! I'm curious what you guys have to share! :)

Friday, May 21, 2010

R4P2: Day 12

Weight: 175 lbs
Total Loss: 11.2
Total over all: 108.8

Evening! Feeling good about a .8 loss. I have been a little light headed, but TOM is coming! :P I hope that is the cause of the occasional wooziness. I did my hhcg drops wrong and tilted them too much, well, making it go up and down gives me smaller drops, and I notice less hunger over all. So keep an eye on how you do drops. I hate shots so much, but I like that it never really goes over or under every day. You get the right amount huh?

Tonight's Theme: A Nest of Comfort.

Things that jumped at me: cozy nests of comfort, the essential spiritual grace our home should posses is the solace of comfort. authenticity, comfort to cradle the body and soul.

This idea of making a physical space in your place to create a nest of comfort. I think, instantly, FOOD! That is what seemed to get us into this mess in the first place right? We don't eat bad foods because we hate it or makes us uncomfortable. They are called comfort foods for a reason. I think we should try to focus on finding comfort space instead. What are things you like, what are habits you see others doing that bring you comfort.

We need to change our comfort foods if we are to stay at a healthy weight and not get us into trouble in the long run. I realized, in p3 I had to eat differently and I had come to the realization I really like peanut butter (non sugar) and apples. I even ate it as a lunch it was so yummy. Normally I would grab a p4 thing which would make me gain weight, but I found renewed happiness in this new item. But I think I need to go one step further than this, I think we all do- we go to comfort food because we are unsettled.

I think we should make a space in our home for that. A comfy chair, a new tea pot, something that makes US feel special and gives us the ability to move away from foods and use time and place as a comfort. If we could just move ourselves to our bedroom and snuggle up with a favorite comforter while looking at an amazing painting/poster/picture that somehow inspires us. That would be our bite of macaroni or tub of ice cream. We should delight in food, but NOT use it as comfort. Not lean on it as a crutch to get us through a hard time, we should have a space to do this. Go there and maybe pick up a photo album of all the happy things.

OH! Take a 3 ring binder and put 100 of those plastic sheets in it, and start filling it up with personal sayings, pictures of family that makes us happy, of paintings, or anything. Pressed flowers, tickets to a great musical. Anything that can help us get us through our moment. Maybe the 1st page should be of a picture that gives us hope, inspiration and motivation to pull us out of the dark and realize, this is our food.

This will give our souls the nourishment that no ice cream or pretzel could ever give us!