I have been busy with various things. Making yearly costumes, trying to find time to run/walk, and I have now gotten myself into writing 50k words in November. (http://www.nanowrimo.org/)
I have learned that patterns are a loose understanding of how to correctly do something. But when you do it often enough you find your own way of doing it that works for you.
When you start out on something you find yourself following the rules because the cake might come out the way you want it. I have this NEED to follow some pattern of running because If I follow it I will succeed, if not then I will fail. Same thing with the story writing. If I use that program the RIGHT away then I will write the great American novel.
If we do the diet JUST right we will succeed, if we don’t, we will lose.
Folks: There is no manual to how to live life, because I have come to the conclusion that there is not RIGHT way of living life. It is what you want to do. It is how comfortable you are. You need to find those personal rules or code of conduct. I am not saying go out and shove someone. I hate it when people think that by having no rules you go out and do mean things. I do not hurt people because I choose to, not because of some law. I do not steal not because of laws, because I don’t believe in taking from other’s regardless of how stupid, mean or ungrateful it is. I will not lower myself to them.
Life has no real rules, there are a bunch of rules that have been enforced on us because it brings about a community that seems to disfunctionally function. heh.
Who cares if you cheat on this diet. Who cares of you get one less mile in this week. Who cares if you like to watch that tv show that no one will admit to watching. If that is what you need to do to get through life, then so be it. You need to live with yourself and you need to figure it out.
I have a lot of anxiety with rules. If I don’t follow that word program on how it is suppose to be used, then I have somehow failed. I need instead, to find a way to use that program for my needs. I need to find my comfort zone, I need to think outside of the box and figure out the consequences of my actions and can *I* live with them? I am not saying that cheating on the diet won’t make you gain weight. I am saying maybe it’s not the end of the world.
I think we get caught up in following the rules so precise that we hurt our mental well being in the process. I don’t want a thin body at the expense of showing it off to my couch because I won’t leave the house.
I’m realizing things about myself, I am trying to let experiences teach me. I am also trying to be honest with myself.
My family life growing up was that my mom had these horrible illnesses. She has RA and it’s hard on her, but that gave her the license to be the physical patient in the house. I was a bit mentally messed up, but it was denied as much as possible because I had to be the perfect daughter. I am not realizing that I am riddled with anxiety and I could benefit from some sort of therapy or medication. This is hard for me to admit. Because I am not allowed to have problems. I am to suffer in silence and just DEAL with it!
I have had good conversations with my parents lately that allow me to have some issues because it bonds me with my mom’s anxiety. We can now relate with stuff and when we have a few glasses of wine our lips are loose. heh. It’s been nice though.
I have admitted this to my husband, and he has known it, but I have always just changed topics and now we are having more honest conversations with solutions that will be long term.
Part of it is realizing that rules hurts me. Rules of how to write, I am so wrapped up with following the rules exactly that if I step one step off of the beaten path I am a failure. This is extreme. I am not advocating speeding. heh. I am not advocating just being a dumb behind about stuff, common sense needs to play a roll, and that is the thing. When we follow certain rules to the extreme, common sense leaves the room. It goes both ways in the extreme. Like if you go to far to the left or the right, you are extreme and meet at the same place.
In the end it’s about realizing that life has no hard and fast rules, relax and do what works for you and use those codes of conduct for yourself, and who cares about outside voices. (or even inside negative voices for that matter)
I realize I could use this advice in my parenting life as well. Stop listening to the advice from outside and follow what works for our family!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
It’s been a while and seems that when not on the diet, I don’t do as much posting. Which is funny since I am in love with writing. I am going to try to take part of the November Writing contest.
I love to walk, I love to write. I love to enjoy life as much as possible. I Love to better myself as a person. So let me find a theme for today! :)
I’m doing good though. I am walking. Did about 10 miles this week but should have taken a break since I did the 5k. I think I posted something on that. I’m all mixed up. Life is mixed up and then it calms down enough to sit and write about it. Heh.
It looks like we are on day 15th: Authentic Success.
Cute “We must all pay with the current coin of life For the honey that we taste.” – Rachel Blumestein.
When I think of Authentic Success I think of the idea of authentic being real, honest and meaningful to ourselves. When we accomplish something for other’s it really isn’t authentic. I think once we feel comfortable enough to be honest, we can truly live authentic. Why are you really losing weight? If you are happy with your current weight, why lose more? Why gain more? What are OUR goals? I think we have so many obligations to our family, to our friends and to the world. To our perceived expectations. I Think that is the hardest part. We can say “oh, my mom wants me to lose weight’ and be able to recognize it as ‘that goal’ outside of ourselves, but what about after your mom passes away and it’s in your soul. How do you know if this is a goal you want to do, or you think your parents wanted for you? That it’s some sort of self imposed expectation. I want to be size 2 because that is what the world wants and I would be accepted more? I mean for god sakes people- there are plenty of clothes in size 4 that would look good. But if it’s a true “I feel bloated and just feel BETTER in a size 2 because that is the weight your body wants to be at, that would be authentic. That is your mind listening to your body and what it needs.
Monday, October 18, 2010
So I won 1st place in Women's Walking. WOOT!
and 2: I did the best time yet for myself: 12:45 min pace!!!!
I'm so proud of that accomplishment.
There were only 100 people and maybe 50% runners and 40% of them were 'casual' walkers. So I feel like I was the only one in my 'catagory' that really pushed for a timed walk. heh. But we did it for public school sports, so they were the true winners! :)
I want to do small 5k events like this that benefit stuff like that. Breast Cancer, Women in the Congo, and various other local things that my 15 dollars would make a difference along with 200 other people. ya know?
I said I was going to walk maybe a Mile today, but ended up on the phone with the husband and walking w/ him for 3 miles! WOOT! I think what I might do next time is walk 1 mile, THEN call him and see if I get 4 miles out of it. ;) lol. It felt REALLY good to walk. I need to start working towards running a 5k for the end of February.
So I have bathroom books. Not books that are about bathrooms but books I keep in bathrooms for casual or indepth reading. My bathroom upstairs has Einstein for Dummies and a Book of Zen (Need to get the title again) and the book of zen had some really interesting thoughts I wanted to share.
So the idea is that we start out 'not knowing' stuff so we do not stop at one thing in our mind. We just 'swing the sword' to block the attack, we don't think about the name of the move. Then we start to learn to become swordmasters, and in the process we learn technique, we learn names, we learn what we should do with our arms. Then we get caught up in the thinking of 'now I block with a blocking move called x' and we have a mental hiccup. We stop and stare at the one leaf to miss the whole tree of leaves. But once we BECOME the 'masters' we stop thinking of the moves and just do them. We take in the whole tree. That idea that the fool and wise person become the same. The circle has been completed.
I think we do that with diets, and hcg, or weight loss. We do a lot of not knowing at first. We just do. We make meals, thinking they are healthy, we have habits we just do! Then we learn that we need to drink water, we need to look at labels, and it becomes very overwhelming and time consuming. We make it a full time job of dieting. But now I understand- we should let that process happen. We need to let the knowledge come to us, and realize that ONE DAY it will become just as natural as using the restroom. We will eat the right thing 'naturally'. We will pass on foods that are bad, just because we don't want them. We will make these good 'diet' habits naturally one day as long as we make our conscience effort now to do the right thing.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
So I was sick this last week. The kid was then sick, we think 2 boughts of possible food poisoning. Poor kid.
I rearranged the whole house though while the kid was in bed sick. So. That leaves me at no work out for the last week. except heavy lifting.
I have a 5k today w/o walking this whole week, unless you count the 10 times up and 10 times down the staircase. Maybe more. That has to count right? It is not like I was in bed for a week. I’m nervious but no clue why. Just the anxiety and excitment of it all!!!
I ate a banana with peanut butter, some coffee a tiny little aussie muffin and water. I think I am ready. This should settle enough for a 11am starting time (it being 9:20 now).
Just writing this is upping my anxiety! Wooooooo. I will hopefully post a finish line picture IF my husband doesn’t mess up and arrive late. I am taking my phone and will call him if I have to. LOL. My parents are going as well. I am VERY happy about this, otherwise I would be in the bathroom throwing up from anxiety of having to do it alone. I hate doing things alone for the most part.
Oh, our house got painted by the landlord. Not her personally, but she had it done, I found out a lot about her history of the property. Very cool. Her son owns the construction company that does the painting and fixing. Very cool. Okay. Total topic switcher. I got my diabetie bar for energy but not a bunch of sugar (I have been more sensitive to sugar lately. SIGH) and my smart water. I got safety pins for my number. I got my ipod w/sensor for my shoe. I will be doing a personal timing. Since I know that the time goes by the first person who crosses the start line.
Oh my. NERVIOUS!
I should get ready to go, parents will be here any minute! Big hugs all. sorry for the absence, but I have been busy rearranging house and being sick.