Lazy Days

Hey Folks!

Thanks for all the feedback!! I am back and forth. I'm not in the mode for commitment right now. I'm in a lousy mood too. TOM I love you so. :P heh. Just a lot of stressers going on in my life.

I think I am going to concider going to a therapist at some point. I want to find out the financial obligation to it though. I know I have a lot of anxiety if I put in too much into my life, but to most people that is a 'normal' load. I like to stay home. I like to not leave the house, I honestly hate going to places that create social obligations like "Your son is part of a soccer team, so if he doesn't participate he will look like a freak" At least that is how I feel. My kid is a free focused child I realize. If he wants to run the white lines of the soccer field, he should be able to do that, but I want him to participate because I dont want others to look at my kid weird, but what he is doing is not weird to me!

I just can't 'not do it' or 'feel obligated'. It doesn't work that way for me right now. heh. I can't simple turn off something that is so ingrained in me.

Folks. I think we all have some issues that can't simply be turned on/off for the benefit of others. I think we are who we are because of our birth, our life style and how people have treated us, a strong force like parents or possibly teachers and friends. It sticks.

I talk a LOT. I do. I love talking alot. I Love sharing. I feel I have something to say, unfortunately I realize that the more I talk, the less my words have power. It's always those people who keep their mouth shut and make 1 keen observation in a group that everyone seems to listen to. THey do not seem to talk just to be heard. I don't normally do that, but at the same time I explode with a crap load of stuff.

I also feel like I can change anything, so I want to go to a therapist who I can PAY to listen to me talk while we figure out what tools will work best for me. I also want someone to call BULL SHIT on me. I think sometimes I talk my real issues away. I actually did that with a councilor. I would talk about THAT THING WAYYYY OVER THERE so no one would notice the real problems I have. Who wants to deal with the real stuff that is painful?

I love eating. I love putting good tasting food in my mouth. I don't like eating just to eat. I love flavor, I LOVE the feeling I get when I eat quality things. Maybe it be a ripe golden tomato I ate on Thursday at a farm, or the 25 cent ice cream sandwich. Some of the lesser quality items bring me joy.
I know I still out of revenge and stress. I have seen that lately. If the scale doesn't go down I eat something bad to say "SEE! This is what I should eat to gain!!! DARN YOU!" LOL.. who is that really helping? hmmmmmm. No one not even me.

I know what I need to do. I'm not mentally ready for the p2 diet, but I am physically ready. I want my body smaller, but that desire does not over ride my mood. That is why I really want to focus on trying to lose a little while I still eat. I don't want to feel deprived right now. I hate, most in the world feeling left out- hence feeling deprived.
That has to speak at a primal level huh? Humans don't like to feel deprived. This must go back to famine. I mean, if we don't get enough to eat, we freak out. We horde because we want to survive, and I think in the land of the plenty we raise that bar. So we feel we somehow deserve to feel good. I realize that If I am going to gain! I want to indulge and feel good. I hate the word 'entitled' or 'deserve'. I feel that is indulgent and gluttonous. I think these are bad words.
Though I don't feel I am intitled to be thin... I don't know if I feel like I 'deserve' to be thin. Oh.! Work ethic. You don't deserve anything. You simply work for it. You should aquire it if you have WORKED for it.
So will simply aquire thin if I put the work into it. I don't just 'deserve' it. But that is the thing though- I don't like working for nothing. I want someone to benefit from it. May it be charity work that helps another human get ahead in their life, or for me to drop lbs if I work at it.

I want to feel like I can sit down after a hards day work because I am simply DONE with my work. Though If I sit too long then I am wasting time. GOD THIS is theraputic. See. I need to simply need a way to talk to work through problems. My therapist of old was very critical of me 'talking my problems out' but if you give me enough time to WORK THROUGH IT I can figure it out. I think we all can use our tricks and methods to work things out.

What I don't like is too lengthy of posts. So I am going to stop there for a while, and think about it. then continue those main points later. I need to 'talk it out' because keeping it in (thinking) doesn't work for me.