The ponderings of me right now

So I took two days off from walking/jogging. I felt horrible about it. I had a lot of hours on wednesday to do it, but choose to do other things. Then yesterday I had no time, and when the husband gets home it gets too dark, though I am thinking I could walk up and down our main street which has bright lights. So no excuses. Oh, my friend also stops by on Thursdays, so that made it hard in the evening. Sigh. But I did just short of 3 miles today.

Day 13th: Thoughts on Success

I do find it funny I am so behind, but yet I find that some themes are so perfect for the day I sit down and ponder it. What does success mean? Have we been conditioned to feel like success or failure? What does success feel like and should we be embarrassed about it? It seems women are to be humble as pie. The meek shall inherit the earth right? We have been conditioned as children, some in older generations more then new generations, to keep our mouths shut, or speak with low voice. We are women after all. We are the weaker sex and should act accordingly. BULL SHIT! :D

We are strong in our right minds! Even in our wrong minds! :) We are capable of bringing another human being into this world, and BIRTHING IT! We are women! Hear us ROAR!!! Not freaking meows. Though, gentle is nice too. But come on. We can be successful. Gosh, Seriously folks. I am in the ‘set myself up for failure’ camp.

In the back of my mind if I do not accomlish a mini marathon on Feb 28th in Disneyworld I will feel like I have failed. Though in the mirror I say “oh, 5k is fine. I would be successful if I did it” and you know, most of my family would be SO proud of me. Not only did I do it, but that means till then I have been pounding pavement, getting my body in better shape, which is the primary concern of my parents. I am goal oriented and if I don’t make it I’m a failure. Why the world are we our worst enemies?? We need to be our absolute best friend. How can we cross that bridge? How can we be our own cheer leader? We are with ourselves 100% of the time. We need to find a way to be there for ourselves.

I think people think in extremes. You have to do it all or not at all. We can’t just be okay with cleaning the sink and letting the rest of the kitchen be a mess. I can’t even make myself breakfast or coffee in the morning unless the whole kitchen is clean, no matter how hungry I am. I won’t let myself feel successful unless I beat the world record holder. Miserable huh?

Day 14th: Giving Yourself Credit (great segway huh?)

I think I don’t give myself credit because I am afraid that if I say something nice about myself, someone who is listening will think I am a bad person or will say ‘strive for better’ so I need to beat them to the punch. That is why I am hard on myself. I HATE criticism of the horrid kind. Not simply how to do something better, but not getting credit from others. So when I do something wrong I have to blow it out of proportion. I have to loudly let other’s know that “ I KNOW I MESSED UP! I AM HORRID! I SHOULD LOCK MYSELF UP” and hope that people say “oh noooo, that is not true, your great and awesome. You should get a metal for that!”

I also was raise around two parents that just couldn’t give me a compliment or praise in fear of me becoming complient. Actually I don’t know why they did that, but I think it was their fear that I would sit down and relax. We can’t have that. I would call my mom and tell her about my weekend Monday mornings when I lived 70 miles away. She would come back with her laundry list of ‘stuff she did’ because it was some competition for who worked the hardest. I could never say “I worked 60 hours, so I took the weekend off. There is always house work, maybe go out and exercise or do something that doesn’t involve being ‘lazy’” SIGH.

I challenge all of us, every night, to find ONE thing that day that we can give ourselves credit for. Doesn't’ have to be a marathon. Maybe simply ‘I went out and walked’, or ‘I made sure to say ‘I love you’ to my children’, why not a simple ‘I told myself I loved myself’ or something. Hey, respond to this post with something you give yourself credit for today, if you can’t seem to today, think of this last week! I want to know other things that we should give our selves credit for. I wonder if ‘not bickering for once after our husband dropped his freaking dirty socks on the couch’ yet I feel like that is a cop out. LOL.

Are you a dreamer or visionary?

So as I am training to run I signed up for Jeff Galloway’s Newsletter. I like his ‘run/walk’ method of training. So I don’t have to learn to run over night. :)

Anywho- Well he sends this motivational letter to you to read. I caught on to something about hcg and us: Dreams vs Visions.

The idea is that dreams are able to be more then we can get to. Like flying. Being so tiny and such a low weight and skinny figure that it is unrealistic. Maybe coming in under 1 hour on a 26 mile run! Those are dreams, but they can be fairly unrealistic. Visions are like dreams, but they seem to be steeped in some form of reality and goal setting. I guess it’s like saying “I’m releasing weight’ vs “i’m LOSING weight'” (that has a feeling that we will find it later).

We need to be realistic with our goals. I talked to a lady today, she said she likes small goals that she can reach. I tend to be a big spender when it comes to goals. BIG goals that I can work on failing!

Lets start with small goals. Losing 1 lb at a time. Shaping ourself one step at a time. What can we realistically accomplish today? I want to clean the whole house, but it needs to be put into small realistic bite sized goals. We need this because WE NEED to SUCCEED once in a while, and show ourselves what setting up ourselves for success vs failure feels like. Even if it means to clean out one side of the sink by putting all the dirty dishes in the other side. ;) We just need to find little ways other than food that we can feel good about. :)

48 hours

Hello All

I’m feeling pretty positive right now. I just hope it keeps up. I wanted to go running today, but my window wasn’t there, I hope tonight after hubby comes home, and do a 1-3 mile in the park.

Day 10: Setting your own pace, or beating to your own drum can be an internal sound. I was thinking about this post. The greatest personal achievements might not be received well by others. I think we all know this one too well with just the introduction of hcg. “YOUR DOING WHAT!?! You will die! You will suffer!” Oh well, we know different. Why should we only put our trust in the hormone? Why not ourselves that if we feel that we are doing the right thing, maybe we are for ourselves! Not everyone can beat to one drum. We wouldn’t have the diversity that we have. I think we need to be respectful of other people’s decisions and I think we need to be mindful of the ones we take. Just because we really want them doesn’t mean they will be good for us, but they are the ones we got until something new comes around.

Day 11: A Psalm for life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Let us, then, be up and doing

With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait.

We need time to focus on making our dreams come true. We can’t sit around hoping we will win the lottery, we need to go out and buy a ticket. We need to dedicate just 5 minutes to start then make it bigger and bigger. I bet we could steal some time in the bathroom to read a book. We waste a lot of time during the day, and I wonder if it is because we are so overworked at times we dilly around looking like we are busy because we are afraid of really taking care of ourselves.

Find out what it is you want in life. I always say that I can’t make time for exercise, but somehow where there is a will there is a way. Find out what your will is asking you to do. Then you will naturally find a way! Cut out the crap in your life as well. Don’t let yourself get cluttered in the nuances of life of ‘shoulds’ and ‘for others’ and find some time for yourself.

Day 12: uncommon women and others.

Our Aspirations are our possibilities. – Samuel Johnson.

Being self absorbed in the making of contacts and being self puffed up. Or being a woman focused on the task at hand. To make the work you are focused on the best thing possible. I feel that sometimes we gloss up ourselves to show something we are not. We can’t seem to have strong enough stilts to keep up that act. I think if we just are, become what we can. I like what the woman says about what Wendy Wasserstein says “Every year I resolve to be a little less the me I know and leave a little room for the me I could be” How profound. The idea of shedding our souls like a reptile sheds his skin. That the soul is not possibly already formed and set in it’s way, that we don’t ‘uncover or even discover’ our true selves, but that it can come from building a soul, an authentic self. I mean, we are shedding our fat.

I do not consider myself a ‘runner’, at least not right now. I am going to run, I’m a walker though. I am a walker grabbing a ticket into a runners world. I just don’t see myself as a ‘runner’ but I will be. Maybe a jogger. heh. I am excited to run. I love to get out and walk fast w/ some jogging. I am cobbling together something here. I love labels, it makes it easier to understand what is in the box and to convey that information to someone who shares the same symbolism behind that label. “All cars go in the box labeled cars” but at the same time I fight the idea of labeling people. We can be so much more, and we are more diverse than a label maker’s stash of letters.

So I am on day 12 in the book. I want to get caught up so I can really dig into singular posts, but it’s been nice exercise to wrap up what I say in small tidy little blog spurts! :) I am long winded, so short exercises are a challenge. :) I love what HCG has done for me, but I am also interested in the training to run, which has conflicted with hcg a little bit, but as long as I eat sensibly and continue to train, I should continue to lose weight. We will give it a week to simmer and I will report that back to you. :)

Thank you everyone for reading. I will continue to post (Ya, you heard that one before) because I realize I do need it. It’s that ‘take 5 minutes’ a day to do something you enjoy and helps you move forward.

I also got an blog to your email set up so now I can read some of your folks blog more reliably. So hopefully you will see me around your blogs more! I love that we are a community of folks that help each other (though I have yet to see many men out there? Sigh.) and I really want to keep up with you guys!

Big hugs! Thanks again for reading!

72 hour countdown

Hey folks,

So I have decided since I am going to be serious about this training, and trying it for a few days, that I need to be off the diet in order to ‘eat right’ for training. Meaning more carbs to sustain me on the 3 mile walks. I just can’t get away from trying to do a daily 3 mile walk. I’m addicted. But with that I need to eat more. I hope no one really disagrees. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to change my mind. I will say this enough times not to feel guilty to the outside world. I tried to ‘eat a little more’ and not gain weight but that seems a little troublesome right now.

I will give myself a week OFF the diet and see how it works. If I find myself gaining too much (which I need to do a daily weight and body fat calculations (I have a machine.)) I will go back on the hcg. We will make it work!

I’m excited though. I found a race RIGHT OUTSIDE my door. We have an awesome park across the street. They have one Nov 7th. I will run that one, I hope to find a 5k walk sooner though. I am itching to get these feet in something ‘official’.

I walked last week: Sun:3miles, Mon: 1 mile, Tue: 2.13mile, Wed: 1 mile, Thur: Day OFF (house work), Fri: 3 miles, Sat: 3 miles (Total: 13.13 miles)

I hope to land 15 miles this week. I did some miscalculations on several walks and didn’t make time for a couple walks because of time restrictions. But 13 miles from 0 miles is still something.

Okay- off to shower. We are going to my parents an hour early so I can get my husband to do 3 miles with me!! :) I AM HYPED!!!

I will post more theme hopefully tonight after I get home.

p2D25 189.8 (17.2 lbs)

This I got from Autumn's Rosier Days blog who got it from Helderheid's Blog. WOW. This is a very cool video about being alone. I hate being alone, but all I could think about when seeing this was, my family friend who is now a widow, is alone in her house. We will one day be alone for some reason, I say, when you don’t have to be alone, make it okay to be alone, so the days when you HAVE to be alone are not so painful and depressing.

Day 8: Getting from here to there, Well, I think we listen to others too much. I wish we could all somehow, at least for me, figure out what I want. Especially watching that video I am struck by the personality and the things the lady surrounds herself with. She has a tattoo. She wears wonderful knit hats. She just seems to have a life she enjoys for the most part. I realize that I try to have some sort of ‘martha steward’ exterior but I never let myself come out. Why did we do hcg? For ourselves or for someone else? If it is the latter, then we need to start thinking what self motivation we need to pull out from under our beds to keep us thin! What if our routines that we have set up are familiar and nice. Miserable as they are? We need to find new ones in order to stay thin and keep ourselves motivated to stay off hcg once we hit our goals!

Day 9: The courage to answer the call. Love leads the way, or rather, sustains us through the rough moments. So, who motivated you to get thin? Was it the love for yourself. Personally folks, letting yourself get 10 lbs over weight might not start a pattern of self loathing, maybe just an oversight on your gym routine? I could totally be wrong, and call me out on it, but I have to admit, there has to be some serious self loathing letting yourself go 150 lbs over weight. And anything in-between. Why do we not love ourselves enough to eat right and do the correct thing? It really doesn’t have to be boring. I think self loathing continues when you shove cardboard in your mouth and you say to yourself “You will eat this crap and you will freaking love it!!” You might lose 100 lbs, but you loath EVERY moment of it. You still hate yourself. Once we break the self loathing, and truly love ourselves it will sustain our journey of health. We will just naturally take good care of ourselves. It will sustain our goodwill no matter what road blocks are in our way, or how dark the night gets. We will be able to be okay with it because love is our candle, our little light in the storm for ourselves.

The troops have come into my computer space (living room) so I will end there for tonight! Many blessings and hugs to you all. Stay safe and healthy and motivated for every challenge you are hit with!

P2D22: 198(18lbs)

So, it went something like this on Facebook:

My 1st sister in law: I did cardio!

My 2nd sister in law: You should do the Mini Marathon at the Disney Princess with me

Me: CAN I JOIN!!!!!

My sister in laws: Sure!

So. I am going to work towards a mini marathon, though I have my sights set for the 13 miles, I am content if I end up running the 5k. Well, not really, but I will at least do one run in the Princess Race! :) Feb 28th 2011.

So I have already done 2 walks of 3 miles. Very enjoyable. Need a good bra and better socks! My shoes will work till I actually start running more. I am doing 99% walking right now. I am working on a 15 min walking mile. I have done a 16.5(Sat) and a 15.3(Sun) so far. I feel I am off to a good start.

I get my Nike+ this week, most likely the 14th. That should help a lot. Tomorrow I plan to take it easy with a simple 1 mile walk/jog after I get some socks!

I WOULD APPRECIATE: I know there are some folks out there that are brimming with advice about how to do this right! Please share. I am going to eat extra since I am also on the diet. I had a bowl of beans and chicken right before my walk today. I am staying on my vitamins and drinking plenty of water. I feel GREAT after a walk actually, as well as during. I am not PUSHING myself, I am comfortably walking fast. I could hold a conversation if I needed to. I am doing this!! :) I will not wait till I am skinny mini w/ hcg. I am going to make this work for me!! Bare with me, but I still want advice (not the ‘do not do it’ advice please. hehe)

 

Okay. So I am getting behind on my theme writing:

Day 6: Work is love made visible? The what?Well, you got to read the the entry to understand that better apparently. Work can be a place to minister. Translating that. Working from the heart. Make the hcg diet more then just a diet. You are shaping yourself, what you are doing is bringing something better into this world. You are creating a sexier self, a self full of confidence, a person who is content with themselves that will be more willing to smile at someone else, to share the joy they have in their heart. Fat will not longer bind us. Will not longer be our walls. Yes, this is darned scary for some of us who used fat as a wall of protection, but now we can say hello and be well received. I was also thinking – the healthier we are the better suited to help others we become, may it be walking for a cause, walking over to a neighbor to help them mow the lawn or just sit one more day longer with our loved ones by being alive. Our healthiness reverberates through the universe and touches people. Yes, maybe those ripples get weaker as they get farther away from us, but they are still there, and they still bump into someone, and I feel that the healthier we are, the more positive that bump will be!!

Day 7: Wishcraft: Getting from here to there. I like this entry. She talks about a woman who says it’s not about hypnosis or character building, its about having real graspable hands on material to get us through the day. I call them my tools in the toolbox. We need these things, real tangible things, that will get us through a hard day, I mean, think about that box of chocolates, they manage to get us through the day, but with big consequences at the end of the week. I need and desire tools that won’t make that chocolate my tool. I need real tools like ‘walking it off’ or taking 5 minutes in a quiet room to cool down. I need to have a reason to get up in the morning, and not just something that will fail me if I don’t have the personal motivation to be positive. I think the scale can be that for us while on the diet. My favorite part on Saturdays is being home with my two boys (my hubby and son) and drinking my coffee quietly on the couch. Just letting myself wake up. That is the most favorite part of the morning for me. Think ahead and make a meal you can’t say no to that is p2. That can be motivating, the dress the hanging on your bathroom wall that your THAT close to getting into. The picture of our high school prom that we looked absolutely amazing in. These things are physical motivators to help us through the moments when ‘to get healthy’ is just not cutting it for us.

Something else that should motivate us: Pictures of our family, may it be a husband, mother or children. The event we want to participate in after we become thinner to do it (like a marathon). Blood tests that are not okay now. Seeing the sun come out, the beach we would miss, the house we would forget. Things that we can not take when we go, but provide us happiness and comfort while we are here.

I have been thinking of our family friend, and he did not take good care of himself, but he LIVED life to the fullest. As much as I admire someone living life to the fullest, I still wonder ‘was it worth it sir?’ Leaving your family behind who will miss you terribly. The friends who think about their own fathers and other members. I think we need to start thinking about ‘living life to the fullest’ and what it truly means. Does it mean beer, fatty foods and seeing the world? Or can it mean seeing the world, gourmet low fat meals, and walks on the beach? A marathon here and there? Spending time with kids w/o the heavy drinking? I enjoy wine, I admit, but there has to be a limit to the ‘fun’ we can have over all. I will not make my Faux Uncle be a bad guy, and I do not mean to write him as such, but I think we deserve to stay here another day for those we love if it means laying off the Foie gras a little bit.

I told my parents the best gift a parent can give their kid is living as long as possible (I do realize that this might not be the case for some, but I thank life that it is for me). To which my father said “ You don’t want your inheritance?” And I responded “Hey, I would rather have my inheritance spent on family group vacations and gatherings if that meant spending one more day with you dad.” I meant it folks!

Long post, lots to chew on. I am only up to day 7 and we are day 13 on the calendar. Oh well, I will catch up if I do at least 2 daily! :)

Goodnight to all! Have a great start to your week! And if you didn’t, why?! Then change it, watching something funny or inspiring! :) Big hugs!

p2d19 190(17lbs)

Hello,

So I am attempting to dig into the book and come up with something that can sum up the last 9 days worth of entries.

I love the thoughts that come out of the book: Use September as a time to make your resolutions and January to rest.

Quote: “Why do you suppose so many of us waste the autumn? Why don’t we make the effort that would provide something new in our lives? January’s negative resolutions ‘are made when we are worn out in spirit, body and pocketbook, and have no real urge to do anything but rest.” – Katharine Elizabeth Fite, Good Housekeeping 1949.

September: Reaping what we sow, turning over a new leaf.

2nd day talks about woman and the world work place. We woman work hard, maybe it be at a job or home. We take care of children and food, budgets and animals. Striving to understand who we are so that we can take pride in the work we do. Why do you do HCG? Why do you go to that effort? What do you hope to accomplish? Have you lost your path in all this focus on the details of the diet?

3rd Day: The woman’s secret fantasy tends not to be erotic, it tends to involve in just packing up and going and starting a new life. Some take kids, some don’t. But it’s the idea of going and leaving behind all the work, the worries that won’t slip off our shoulders. The bills, the feeding, the work left undone, the children neglected.

This fantasy can be very helpful since it is a red flag to say we have reached our breaking point, and that we need to take a break somehow. If you find yourself done with hcg, I really don’t care when it is in the scheme of things. You should consider taking a break. I am currently enjoying the round because I got 3 months of refresh. I realized also I needed this round because even OFF of HCG I was getting scared and hated eating because it seemed I only gained. Trust your body, it can let you know when you are either ready to stop or start HCG.

4th Day: The higher calling. What is your calling? Why did you take your first dose of hcg? Was it the real reason? The deeper reason. Do we hope that we will have an oscar? A fashion model job? A better life, more activity, less health issues? What really motivated you?

5th Day: Job, Career or Calling? I translate this to the ideas of HCG. Why we do it. What is our true calling. I think if we ‘make up reasons’ it won’t keep us on track. We can be methodical about HCG every day. It’s a job. We have to inject our self (or do drops), we have to eat exactly 100 grams of meat, so clinical. Maybe we need that to get us through the first several days, but I don’t think it will sustain us with motivation. Then we have the career. This for me is the ‘we do it because we do it. It makes me healthy, it becomes routine. The oh drum of the day. We forget about it really. It becomes part of our skin, the shower we take, the children we feed, the house we clean. Just another day.

But the Calling. This is how we find motivation and passion. To dream. To enjoy. To revel in the diet. You think I am crazy? What have you done that really gets you to revel in the life long calling of staying healthy, looking like a sex bomb, or just enjoying your body? I find it in creating recipes. I find it in enjoying foods, really enjoying foods that I can find that won’t make me gain. I realize I LOVE good quality foods.

Confession time: I have not been so strait laced with this diet. My plan has been to simply stay on it, enjoy it, and then do the ‘last 3 weeks totally clean’ when I hit 145. I am ready to be ‘off the diet forever’ and I can’t afford to take 3 month breaks that end up gaining 30 lbs. I’m okay with this, I know this doesn’t follow Simon’s diet exactly, and I know that what he offers is the way. But I need this for my soul right now.

I made something amazing. The list my doctor gave me has Zucchini on it. I made some last night, had some tomato organic soup and 7% fat ground beef with it. OMG Yummy. Not 100% on diet, but it had the right veggies, though I was mixing. I still lost.

Now I know, even if you lose weight on this diet while cheating (I had a drinking bender at the funeral, sue me, and I still lost) but I know first hand that if you cheat, you are only cheating yourself out of stabilizing, that is why 3 weeks before I stop this diet I am going to eat as CLEAN as your Mother’s floors(at least my mom’s floors, heh)! Cheating the last 3 weeks is not a good idea because I believe 100% that it is what stops you from stabilizing. I have seen a lot of people think they can do it, and they suffer. I know from reading it takes 3 weeks for our body to be clean to help the stabilizing. I did good for p3, but then in p4 I couldn’t eat bread without gaining a ton. My husband did a CLEAN round, and he did much better then when he did a semi-cheating round. Not worth it.

Anyways, I am going to end there for today. I will continue to catch up tomorrow if possible. Happy Losing, Stabilizing or whatever you are trying to do!!

p2d18: 190.6(-16.4)

Hello All, I haven’t written because I have been dealing with a death of a family friend. He knew my father for 42 years. Meaning I knew him my whole life.

Yes, his passing is sad. I hate that I didn’t see him in the last couple years. You know you get busy and you just don’t see some people as often because you know they will be there forever!! Right? Sigh.

He leaves behind his wife and two daughters who both have family and a ton of friends and assorted other family members. He is dearly missed.

We went to the memorial for him on Monday. It was very nice to remember him and his ways. The things that stick out like a big thumb.

My dear faux Uncle, wherever you might be, may your journey continue and may we see you again in another life.

***************************************************

So, I did drink at the memorial party afterwards. It was amazing, the 3 close families were there minus a father and one of my brothers. They didn’t fly in for various reason. But we had the 3 families that grew up together. To see the children that we all were grown up was amazing. We vowed to keep in touch one way or another. It was nice. I allowed myself the wine, but ate a salad with salsa for dressing. Yum actually. Still lost the next day. I guess I can go on a diet of wine? me think not! No worries.

 

Theme: September: Harvest Month. Reaping what we are sewing huh? There are various passages starting from the 1st of September that run and build till the 8th. Let me see: Turning over a new leaf, the work of understanding. Scrambled or Fried.

I’m going to sit down and ponder what this all means and see if I can’t make one post about the days that lead up to it.

My son goes to preschool 3 x a week so I could just take some time out to do that. I am also being herald upstairs. My son would like me to be part of bedtime tonight. mmmmm I won’t take that for granted. Like above- We never know how long we are going to live so take each moment as a moment to be cherished. Even enjoy the diet in some way. We really do have amazing foods to eat, find intersting creative ways to do it and realize this is helping us not ‘begin to live’ but allow us to live it more freely with our bodies. Don’t obsess about the numbers or the pant sizes. If you can do things you were not able to do 10 weeks ago.. That is a prize in and of it’self. We strive to be healthy and look great, but not at the expense of us being miserable. We don’t have enough days on this green earth to do that! I mean it folks. I am frustrated that I let time go by without seeing my F.Uncle and it hurts my soul a little. It will heal, but it has been a wake up call to not let those in my present life go unappreciated!!

 

Big hugs to all!!!