R1P2: Day 73 of VLCD

Weight: 238 lbs
Loss of: 0.4
Total Loss: 45.8 lbs

So my scale realizes I'm trying to get to 15 lbs lost for the month and is slowing me down! Grrr. :P heh. It's okay, but tomorrow I plan to be slightly depressed if I have a LOW loss. I've put that on my calendar! ;)

Today I am trying to finish cleaning up so my parents can see it before the trip they are going on. I forbid them to come over till the house looked nice, I guess they will never come over. ;) But seriously, it started well, but I just have so many activities to deal with and fit into this one room. If we had a 1 story home then my son would have all his toys in his room, but since I don't like him upstairs when I am downstairs I decided to put everything downstairs.

I have ribs! :) Not on my plate slathered in BBQ sauce, but on my body, in my body! Like.. Right under my boobs.. where the fat was that would hide my ribs. Then I felt a bone that I was like 'what is this' and I proceed to bruise it. :P Dumb me. I asked my doctor 'what the heck is this" and she told me to stop touching myself. :) I'm so silly. But I won't be exploring my bones any time soon.

Hugging me now hurts a little because bear hugs don't get absorbed by fat. I love it.

Right now I am loving my progress, I weigh less then I have in a LONG time. I think I was 200 around 2000. That is 9 long years ago. I went to a VERY expensive nutritionist that I think just pumped me w/ product but I did lose weight. But you do get full after eating 20 vitamins in the morning. You know what destroyed the progress.. Let me share: It was a heated car fight I had w/ the husband. He told me it was too expensive (he was right but I didn't want to hear it because I was becoming thinner) and when I went to my traditional store to buy the 'next size down' I was told I no longer belong in the Plus size, so I went to the 'skinny' side and the size 16 jeans they had did NOT fit. My size 18 were too big. It was a lot of work drinking shakes and eating a sensible dinner and now I wasn't going to have her.
I have nothing against religion, really I don't. I'm not traditional in my beliefs. I normally don't talk about them because they are personal and they are my own.

Anyways, The lady got very weird for me. I was frustrated because she was trying to impose a strict philosophy on me all of a sudden. Something to do w/ Jesus being the purpose behind my weight loss, and here I thought it was me doing hard work all the time. She had an 'awakening' moment after months of working with her. It was hard to deal with, she made me feel Incredibly uncomfortable after her 'awakening'. So the whole combo of things was too much so I bought a bag of Oreos and ate them all in feeling overwhelmed.
Luckily not too long afterward I did go to a shrink. She was a huge flake, but managed to find my eating problems and work on resolving them. I ate to comfort my loneliness. My husband would play on his computer game to fight his depression and I would not have a conversation for a while from him. So I would go into the fridge and eat my loneliness away. She also found out that I had a hard time being intimate with people, that I would shut them out before they got too close. She really worked on me and I have to say, after a good while of working through the issues I realized I wasn't fat. I was a thin person who abused her body and got fat. I'm Steffi, I'm a mother, I am not fat, I have a lot of weight to lose. I do not identify as a 'proud fat woman' I'm a proud woman who has extra weight to get rid of.

I read some posts these last few days and I was inspired by the thought of 'Proud Fat Woman' I get it. I tried to buy into that because I thought that I was stuck as a fat woman. I just couldn't escape from the fat so I tried to make it part of me, but after counseling I couldn't do that. It's abuse I put on my body. It's all the times I was angry at other people and shoved my face. It was all the years of not learning to eat right after leaving my parents house. My mom cooked right and healthy. Never fat in her house, and every time I live with them or go vacationing w/ them I lose weight. That is another way of me losing weight. Moving back to my mom's for a retreat. ;) jk. I would kill her, or she would kill me first. We just can't LIVE together, we can vacation but not live together.

I think I have littered your minds for one day. More tomorrow. I just want to get some deep thoughts out there that have plagued me for a long time. Things that I go through. I feel good where I am today. I have a diet plan that actually works when I put the effort into it. I hate stationary bikes, you go very fast nowhere. That is how I feel on other diets. I hate having my time wasted.