P2D10: 194.8(total 12.2)

Since I do not post every day, I will just put a running total of overall weight I have lost, I think this will make it easier over all for all. heh.

Todays Theme: Accept the uncreative moments.

The quote is so amazing, and gives me what i need to hear today: “One must also accept that one has ‘uncreative’ moments. The more honestly one can accept that, the quicker these moments will pass. One must have the courage to call a halt, to feel empty and discouraged.”- Etty Hillesum.

Sometimes we hit an empty well of creativity in any part of our life. What to cook tonight, what to play, what to write, what to even think sometimes.

I had bad news this morning, nothing earth shattering, but it changes several people in my life that i care about. A death in their family, a family friend that I haven’t talked to much lately, but I still cared about. This is a very sad moment. Sometimes I find myself un able to figure out ‘how sad’ I’m allowed to be. Silly perhaps, but I can’t be the only one that thinks that.

This was the feather in the hat of already a slow start to my week. I have been a bit overwhelmed and lacking the energy to be creative over all with my life. I have several projects to work on.

I was going to work on such a project yesterday with some friends, but I found myself wanting to JUST sit down and watch mind numbing wonderful tv! I got behind on one of my shows.

Talking to my mother in law this morning I realized, she has moments when she consumes, and when she purges. I loved hearing this because it made things in my life clear. I had consumed so much information, I was done doing it. I wanted nothing more to come in. I couldn’t process any more information. I am not quite ready to purge either. I’m in that holding depot where I just want to process what I have and have a moment not to process, nor consume nor purge. We need those days, and allow them to be PART of the process so that we can move on.
What happens with our body when we push and push and push, yet it is sick? It stays in that sick gear till we can fully take care of that part, by drinking water, resting and taking care of the cold so that we can push ourselves later. I think that ‘crash’ days have to be part of our process. The refueling, the idling. The time for our bodies just to be. Sometimes we just need to look out of our window with a cup of coffee and let our thoughts direct themselves and play tennis while we watch. Be the spectator for once.

Sort of like a garden. We tilled the soil, we planted the seeds, we watered the bed well. Now we have to wait. We watch those seeds grow into plants, but do not pick them too soon or else we just have inedible leaves to eat, rather then a bounty brimming over.

This is where I am feeling at right now. Watching my seedlings grow, yet I am too impatient. Life has a way of smacking us to remind us: WATCH THE DARNED SEEDS GROW AND DRINK YOUR COFFEE IN PEACE! ENJOY IT TOO!

Gastric Bypass and HCG

Curious- Does anyone have any information about how to do the diet after a Bypass? My friend lost a bunch of weight on it, but is struggling with extra skin and weight. Her doctor will do the skin surgery if she lost 50 more lbs.

I know she tried the hcg diet, but it hurt too much for her. We think it is because of the GBypass and her food. So what modifications would she need to do?

p2d5- 197.6 (-.2)

So I have a post from yesterday I need to post. The thought I had wasn’t expressed clearly and I want to clean it up.

I’m a bit miffed that on day 5 I went down to a .2 loss? WTF?!? Yes, I said it! This is why I don’t like the scale. I could be doing all sorts of good stuff on the inside, which is causing me to retain water for a flush later. But no, I see a low loss.

I am also overwhelmed. I found out a good friend lost of his job of 10 years due to bs reasons. You need the job, but you are at the whim of your bosses mood. If they don’t feel you live up to their high standards, they screw your life. He is a good worker and has been so loyal, but that means nothing now a days. He has a 2nd kid coming and a mortgage. I think that put me in a slight empathetical slump. It effected me.

My kid ran into me, I think it could have been on purpose and I bit my tongue and have a headache now. :( Bad mood. I gave myself a time out to cool down.

My house is a mess, I am on the computer too much, and I don’t know what my problem is. I had a great time playing with friends last night, good mood and everything. I haven’t eaten yet today. and I am sort of going through the ‘food withdrawl’ I loved eating hot wings with celery for lunch. I miss that routine. I miss some shows that are now going on fall break. Sigh. Be careful of putting food in a routine. Especially certain types of food.

I think I am in a hormonal swing. And low weight loss for today. I was hoping the 30 lbs was going to just FLY off. We will see tomorrow.

Curious- if you do everything to the rules, does anyone possibly just not weigh themselves for several days to see bigger numbers? Do you have a ‘mon/thur/Sat weighin?’

I’m curious if that is smart. The scale does impact how I feel and I hate it. I was going to simply write it but a .2 is just not cutting it for me.

My son is watching a cake making video and the guy is saying ganache wrong. It’s outright pissing me off for some reason.

Yes, apparently I am all kinds of sensitive today. Sigh. Life is hard! I think I am going to take some time off from everything, sit in the corner and just veg. I need to eat first.

 

Later!

p2D3 – 200 (-3.6)

 

Good Morning all.

So, I am going to start working from that book again.

 

Today’s Theme: Eye of the Beholder.

The book talks about having one hand in life, and another in a creative element so that you lid won’t pop due to lack of artistic outlet in life.

But applying it to hcg I feel that the quote she uses says everything- “The work of art which I do not make, none other will ever make” – Simone Weil.

WoW. If I don’t improve myself, no one will. We can use use all sort of ways to get ourselves to be improved. A new dress, a self help book, going out in the park and leaving it on the soccer field. I mean, there shouldn’t be one manual for us all on how to be the masterpiece we see ourselves as.

Write down on a piece of paper how you see your self as a masterpiece, write out how you envision what you do, how you look, what you wear. But then I want you to simply throw it away. Because I bet, this is a ‘perfect’ us, an idealized self. If we don’t reach it, we won’t be happy with ourselves huh?

I think we then have to go to a mirror and look at the painting we have created. Maybe it needs a little refurbishing, but even then most artists won’t throw out the actual painting, nor will they design a completely different image. They will take off the dust, the cobwebs and maybe put it in a nicer frame.

Don’t discount who you are. You are who you are. Try finding ways to describe your notorious ‘bad habits’ into fun things.

I talk a lot. No. I’m a story teller!

I worry too much, and am OC. No. I like to be organized and make sure everything has been taken care of. Though I do know I could use a little less worriness. There are unhealthy extremes. But I think the first start is recognizing the attributes we have and turning them into positives. Once we do that, we will see if we do take something a bit extreme, and renovate it to be more manageable for ourselves.

A new frame: Lose some weight (as we do with HCG), get a new out fit that makes us shine. A new scarf, handbag, jewelry. Whatever makes US shine! Not hides us. We are worth it, otherwise we wouldn’t consider going on hcg huh?

I think some of the hardest work we will ever undertake is accepting ourselves for who we actually are and not trying to becomes something other’s want us to be. Even harder- not trying to become something we THINK we should be.

Celebrate yourself! Look in the mirror every morning from here on out and say “Your worth it” and maybe one of these days you will truly believe it and not think it’s cheesy to talk to yourself! :)

Big hugs everyone! I can’t believe I stopped doing this. This is extremely cathartic.

Have a wonderful day!

btw: I am very happy that 7 lbs in 2 days are gone! that is pretty much my load weight. So we will see what the next several days holds. If I can get into my size 16 pants in a week from now, I will be flying high! :)

Day 2 p2 – Loss 3.4 lbs (203.6)

Hello all,

I’m feeling very unemotional today. Which is good right? heh. I feel very matter of fact about the diet, which is good. I was a little afraid I would be all ‘OH GOD I AM HUNGRY!” or something.

 

I made myself a coffee and nursed that all morning, then I made spinach, fat free hotdog (kosher beef kind) and 1 egg w/ 2/3rds of the yolk taken away, for a bonding agent really. I used to eat hot dogs, Spinach and eggs when I was a kid for dinner from time to time, so it was actually ‘comfort’ food for me. :) Go figure that my 2nd day meal would be a comfort food.

I really like the Windows Live Writer to write my blogs. One click everything. Gotta like it.

I wonder if also the medication puts me in a good mood. I really feel like a cloud was lifted. You got to love the ‘burst’ of energy and the happy toons in my head! Makes for a great start. Ask me again in 15 days though how i feel. I hope the same though.

I am going to just record my weight, not get too involved in it, it will be ALL about getting into size 14 comfortably. I have a bunch of pants in that size, and I was JUST about there my last round, and now I am a comfortable size 18. SIGH. I’m a bit upset that I have to lose like 30 lbs before I can ‘start to lose’ weight again, if that makes sense. I don’t count ‘already lost that pound’ weight.

So I hope to quickly get into the 190’s because of loading weight, and since I SO EASILY went up to 200 from 170’s. I hope to get there in no time in the next couple WEEKS and not start trickling the weight by tomorrow. Hehe. ya, I don’t want much. Hence the ‘focus’ on the pant sizes.

Has anyone else noticed that with themselves. If after a round they gained a bunch quickly, that weight was quick to lose till you got back to your ‘regularly scheduled program’??

Thanks folks for your well wishes! It is always nice to have a team on your side! :)

Have a good one!

Day 1 of round 5?

Hello All,

I’m now into my HCG round. I’m doing HHCG. We will see how it works. I’m always nervous at the start if the medication works. Hehe.  Was this batch bad or something. Will I STARVE and all that weight gained through loading STICK!

I am starting the round at 207 (sigh from being at 273 LDW) and we will go all the way, till I putter out! :) I realize I get different mentality on food when I am on hcg that I wish would move over to when I am not in HCG. It is just food, I don’t have to think about it if I have the fridge stocked and outside things like reading, writing or other things will have to bring me the joy that fatty foods bring me. Go figure.

Well, we are off to the zoo with our kid. I enjoy the zoo, we have a season pass that lets us go to the zoo for the yearly fee that we pay once. :) Yeay!

I ate some food, will bring an apple, so I shouldn’t be too overwhelmed. We were so busy yesterday we forgot to buy p2 type foods. Sigh. I’m feeling never prepared enough. But I will get through this.

I am going to try to start up the daily posting with my personal insight from the journal I was doing earlier. I can’t believe I didn’t follow through with it, but I was busy eating instead of writing. :P

Almost there

So I have been sitting at 198 for a couple days, though I have done good with food. Sigh! heh.

I was hoping for a bigger pay off, but i have been walking and it has been nice!

I want to be totally mentally ready for the diet, but in the end I think I am ready to LOOSE the weight. My pants think so too. They are tired of carrying around my fat behind, so they refuse to fit! Silly Pants!

I hate that part. I got rid of a lot of pants that I WOULD NEVER need again right? Ya, didn’t happen like I planned. I also wasn’t expecting to take such a long break. But it was good. So long break! Farewell! I loved you so!

Yes, I am a bit high off coffee right now. I got a new coffee maker RIGHT BEFORE I go on the diet and won’t drink coffee because it has no milk! SIGH!

I might do some non-fat dairy up to the 26 days before I quite. I think i want to do a full 40 day round. It would be good for me. We will see how I feel at the end.

Personally folks: A 100 day round was SO MUCH EASIER! I wish I just stuck out the full 150 lbs. The thing is, food is addictive, and when you live long enough with out it, you sort of forget how good it is, unfortunately we got  every couple months to remind us and that, I think, makes the diet harder. But at the same time, I think if you do short rounds to help some pounds go off, it can be nice, especially when you get close to your target weight.

 

I have done 2 days of walking. Tomorrow will be my 3rd day of Couch to 5k program. 3 times a week I will walk. It is a jogging program, but I just pump my arms and walk faster. I wonder if onlookers think I am weird that i casually walk then all of a sudden BOOM! :) I do and don’t really care really.

I find it funny, that the moment I do start the program our weather has turned to 90 degree’s making it more sweaty and hotter out there to really exercise! :P blech. I will look forward to walking in rain, though hot weather does burn more calories.

 

question: Does anyone know how to possibly create a ‘steam room’ in a bathroom and not destroy the wall and create a mold problem? I was thinking of putting plastic tarp covering my shower and only the tile bits. So I can contain it. I could do it, but don’t want to make holes in the wall. I could make a ‘frame’ since we have a sliding glass doors for our shower. Hmmmm. Might play with that. Makes the area smaller as well.

I hope all you guys are doing well! It’s been busy at the house. I have a lot of new fabrics I have been turning into bags. :D I LOVE MAKING BAGS! I hope I can sell some of these on etsy though. We will see! BIG HUGS ALL!

2 weeks and counting

Hey folks. I am trying a Windows Live Writer to see if this works, plus to let you know that I am in the works to start HCG in 2 weeks. Less now, but 2 Friday's from now.

I went up to 204, but now I am sitting at 198 since doing the ‘right thing’. I don’t do the right thing often with food, and I forgot how much fun real meals with flavor can be. I made a chicken dish with peppers, tomatoes and corn. AWESOME! Corn and Carrots are a no-no apperently but honeslty they are better than chips, or corn dog, so I am not going to worry about it unless I have something better to eat. :)

I am trying to eat eggs in the morning and switch between steak and chicken.

 

Okay, I’m going to see if this posts works through this program now. :)

Lazy Days

Hey Folks!

Thanks for all the feedback!! I am back and forth. I'm not in the mode for commitment right now. I'm in a lousy mood too. TOM I love you so. :P heh. Just a lot of stressers going on in my life.

I think I am going to concider going to a therapist at some point. I want to find out the financial obligation to it though. I know I have a lot of anxiety if I put in too much into my life, but to most people that is a 'normal' load. I like to stay home. I like to not leave the house, I honestly hate going to places that create social obligations like "Your son is part of a soccer team, so if he doesn't participate he will look like a freak" At least that is how I feel. My kid is a free focused child I realize. If he wants to run the white lines of the soccer field, he should be able to do that, but I want him to participate because I dont want others to look at my kid weird, but what he is doing is not weird to me!

I just can't 'not do it' or 'feel obligated'. It doesn't work that way for me right now. heh. I can't simple turn off something that is so ingrained in me.

Folks. I think we all have some issues that can't simply be turned on/off for the benefit of others. I think we are who we are because of our birth, our life style and how people have treated us, a strong force like parents or possibly teachers and friends. It sticks.

I talk a LOT. I do. I love talking alot. I Love sharing. I feel I have something to say, unfortunately I realize that the more I talk, the less my words have power. It's always those people who keep their mouth shut and make 1 keen observation in a group that everyone seems to listen to. THey do not seem to talk just to be heard. I don't normally do that, but at the same time I explode with a crap load of stuff.

I also feel like I can change anything, so I want to go to a therapist who I can PAY to listen to me talk while we figure out what tools will work best for me. I also want someone to call BULL SHIT on me. I think sometimes I talk my real issues away. I actually did that with a councilor. I would talk about THAT THING WAYYYY OVER THERE so no one would notice the real problems I have. Who wants to deal with the real stuff that is painful?

I love eating. I love putting good tasting food in my mouth. I don't like eating just to eat. I love flavor, I LOVE the feeling I get when I eat quality things. Maybe it be a ripe golden tomato I ate on Thursday at a farm, or the 25 cent ice cream sandwich. Some of the lesser quality items bring me joy.
I know I still out of revenge and stress. I have seen that lately. If the scale doesn't go down I eat something bad to say "SEE! This is what I should eat to gain!!! DARN YOU!" LOL.. who is that really helping? hmmmmmm. No one not even me.

I know what I need to do. I'm not mentally ready for the p2 diet, but I am physically ready. I want my body smaller, but that desire does not over ride my mood. That is why I really want to focus on trying to lose a little while I still eat. I don't want to feel deprived right now. I hate, most in the world feeling left out- hence feeling deprived.
That has to speak at a primal level huh? Humans don't like to feel deprived. This must go back to famine. I mean, if we don't get enough to eat, we freak out. We horde because we want to survive, and I think in the land of the plenty we raise that bar. So we feel we somehow deserve to feel good. I realize that If I am going to gain! I want to indulge and feel good. I hate the word 'entitled' or 'deserve'. I feel that is indulgent and gluttonous. I think these are bad words.
Though I don't feel I am intitled to be thin... I don't know if I feel like I 'deserve' to be thin. Oh.! Work ethic. You don't deserve anything. You simply work for it. You should aquire it if you have WORKED for it.
So will simply aquire thin if I put the work into it. I don't just 'deserve' it. But that is the thing though- I don't like working for nothing. I want someone to benefit from it. May it be charity work that helps another human get ahead in their life, or for me to drop lbs if I work at it.

I want to feel like I can sit down after a hards day work because I am simply DONE with my work. Though If I sit too long then I am wasting time. GOD THIS is theraputic. See. I need to simply need a way to talk to work through problems. My therapist of old was very critical of me 'talking my problems out' but if you give me enough time to WORK THROUGH IT I can figure it out. I think we all can use our tricks and methods to work things out.

What I don't like is too lengthy of posts. So I am going to stop there for a while, and think about it. then continue those main points later. I need to 'talk it out' because keeping it in (thinking) doesn't work for me.

Good Advice on lazy ears

Hey,

I'm so appreciative of you all taking the time to respond and give me some great feedback. What hit me the most was 'if you are ready'.... I'm not totally ready.

Honestly- I have LOVED eating normal. I had LONG rounds so I have that still in my mind. I don't know what 'short' rounds feel like. LOL. So commiting only 30-40 days shouldn't be bad, plus I get something out of it. - to fit back into pants!

Life has been up and down. I'm putting any decision on hold till after my TOM. I'm not good with decisions when I am having a mass of hormones running around making me grumpy. :(

I was thinking till I make a choice, I am going to use the p2 light. There is this woman that does a great diet book that looks and smells a LOT like p2/p3 type diet w/o the hormones. Not the 500 calories, just the type of foods you eat, you have low carb days (you still eat certain types of veggies).
I will think of the name of the book. I just feel it's a good book to follow if you want to lose some extra pounds w/o going on p2.

Another day another thing

Hey All,

A quick hello, I do not want to fall off the radar. I will try to post something today. I came home from going out to dinner and I ATE TOO MUCH! Yes, it was veggies, but our stomach doesn't have unlimited room for that!

I'm going through TOM and i swear I gain 400 lbs just looking at salt. :P

Is it unreasonable to want to lose all my post diet weight before I go back on the diet? I find that silly yet ok. The idea of RE-lossing the weight drives me nuts, but I am not seeming to be able to lower the scale- is that a TOM thing?

I need the help of my fellow HCG'ers on this! How can I start to dump this weight? OKay, I have the answers, Eat right! lol, Exercise! lol. ya ya ya.

I am finding it easier to gain right now. I didn't do a good job.

Folks- if you think it's okay to cheat, even on some non fat cheese during the diet YOUR WRONG! I can't wait to get on the diet and do it right! I am SO not going to cheat. I didn't think of it as a 'cheat'. Cheating is candy bars and bread right? WRONG! Cheating is evening finding 'acceptable' changes too. Just stick with the diet and you will be happy with the end results. My husband finds it hard to stablize too. He did some cheating this last round as well.

I wonder if I am just shooting myself in the foot by trying to lose all the weight I gained. Maybe just do a round right, then deal with it.

Okay, okay. To tell you how bad 'okay' cheats are: I gained 20 freaking lbs in a couple months. OUTCH! It is too fast to gain. I'm not indulging too much on 'bad' foods. I do okay if I do some p3 stuff. I do actually really well. I"m in the middle of tom and pudged up! I hate that my pants don't feel right. anywho.

Thoughts, advice, ideas! :)

Hello from the dark side!

Hey Folks,

My life is going. I am going to work on getting back on the posting horse.

Honestly a couple things: I got lulled into eating instead of posting. I think that is why I gained a HUGE amount of weight. I'm doing the whole 'I want to lose the extra weight I gained before I diet again" :P well, at least I can eat normal food right? Old habits die hard, and it would be great to post.

My computer also died and so I have had to use my husbands computer for a while till I set something up. :P I hate laptop keyboards.

I got lazy, I got tired, I started going to bed earlier and getting up and going off. I know i had moments to post, and honestly, I realized those moments were me sitting on the couch eating or resting. :P heh.

I am so going to post later, for I am 8 minutes past the bed time. My son has an EARLY summer school program. Up too early for me personaly.

Talk more later. I promise not to let this page get too moldy or dusty! I love talking, I love exploring, and I feel blogging and share,and getting feedback was so healthy, plus that thought a day book was awesome. I learned a lot about myself and my diet.

Being off the diet has taught me a lot too about my old habits and how they die hard, or rather- refuse to die. I guess we are all there.

Anywho! Talk more later before I make it 10 min past my bedtime! Hugs to all!!!!!

R4P3: Day 8

Weight: 175.4 lbs
LDW: 173.8

I was down to 174.2, went up yesterday to 176, then down to 175.2

I have TOM, then monday I started a head cold, taking Umka and cleaning my nose with the netti pot. I have to say, I have a more productive nasal passage. Heh. I'm plugging along and trying to figure things out for myself. Thinking of things that are important to me and how I want to make sure to keep the weight off for life and not rely on hcg or anything else as a misplaced crutch.

We are not perfect and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be. So the worse thing we can do is make a mistake and then beat ourselves up over it. Enjoy every morsel of food we put in our mouth, and if we make a mistake, then instead of hitting the ice cream, just find a balance food to eat to weigh it out. And if we enjoy that glass of wine or scoop of ice cream we won't feel so horrible. Nothing worse than eating something and feeling bad while eating it. Then why bother eating it.

I believe in planned cheats. I'm going to enjoy a scoop of naughty ice cream tonight and I am going to savor every bit of it. In fact I'm going to be the healthiest ice cream I can that is top quality because I don't get a lot, so it better be full of taste and not processed. Then it's a little less of a cheat, you enjoy more of it even if there is less mass. Also if you plan it, your less apt to go out and just cheat because you have something else to look forward to that is top notch quality. Instead of giving into your friends bar of crap chocolate, you have HIGH Quality stuff waiting at home for you to enjoy tonight. Sit in a corner and just savor the food. Don't try to eat it in 20 seconds flat. Don't try to be disrupted with talk or tv. We are feeding our soul and it becomes less about binging and feeling like crap and more about taking a moment out to enjoy the finer foods in life.

I haven't really enjoyed ice cream lately. I LOVE ice cream. I also love chocolate. So I have allowed myself 1 square of chocolate every once in a while. I bite off a piece of 72% Twilight chocolate by Ghirardelli. I am not sure if they are a eco-friendly chocolate company so I might switch chocolates, but this is a good brand of chocolate. I let the chocolate melt in my mouth and just sit and savor. I feel renewed afterwards instead of crappy.

Find a food you love and would normally cheat on. Find a serving size. maybe 2 tablespoons. Then sit and REALLY enjoy it. Let it fill your soul. I want to be realistic that we can't allow these foods to leave our lives because we might jump into a vat of it the next time we see it. Some foods you might have to get away from for health reasons. But those foods that you love. Make it a planned enjoyed thing that you can temper and look forward to. Not be controlled by!!!

What is your favorite naughty treat? And how do you plan to enjoy it with out it controlling you?

R4P3: Day 5

Weight: 174.2 lbs
LDW: 173.8

Yesterday down to 174

I feel good. I'm going to think about an egg day. I boiled a bunch of eggs, and we have a ton more. :) I am making sure to get my water in. 2nd day was a bit hard w/ my schedule for some reason.

I am going to try to post earlier in the day, my evenings are either busy or early to bed. Okay 'semi' early. hehe

So I am taking various things from the last couple days from the book.
Winston Churhill: We shape our dwellings, and afterwords our dwellings shape us.
Thoughts from the book: You would be surprised by how much you already own that is simply waiting to be reconsidered, rearranged, refinished. Decorating shouldn't be about a room looking like a magazine, as much as how you FEEL in the room.



I think we shape ourselves to be what we want to be, if we are lucky. I think sometimes we try too hard to be what our mother wants, our mother in law wants, maybe even our gal friends want. We go to that restaurant we don't want to eat at, we do activities we are forced to, and engage our children in habits we didn't approve of. But now is the time to change that. We took the first step with hcg to take control of our life. We said no to restaurants, we said no to an extra helping of beef, we said no to that delightful dessert. I hope. I think we have everything we need to take care of ourselves inside of us. I think that we have collected so much stuff and now it's time to purge those that we no longer want with our weight, and shine and dust off those things we actually like, but are afraid of sharing.
I know I keep my mouth shut about a lot of stuff I am proud of internally because of fear of criticism. But I want to live in my surroundings the way I want to.

I am a gamer. I role play Dungeons and Dragons and various other games. Yes, it is a game, I know that. I have an active life of quilting, feeding my family and taking care of the house, plus I game. I'm a girl gamer. I used to hide this from others because it was concidered weird, but I always had to go upstairs and into a bookcase to get a book I would enjoy reading, then put it back. Now it is where I actually use them more. They are on my bookcase downstairs. People who come in my house can see them, and they need to deal with it.

I don't want to cover up the authentic self because I don't want to lose myself in other peoples expectations. Though it is hard because I HATE offending people. I'm always afraid that my hobbies, personality and spiritual ideas conflict with someone and I don't want to make them feel comfortable. Though I realize, most of the time, many people I run into have no fear of expressing many of their beliefs at the expense of others, because of this self confidence in their belief. I don't know. I'm all over the place with this concept.

I realize this is something I need to work through because I have a kid. He is 3 years old and he is growing up in my home. He will see the 'true me' and what I think about things, how I believe about things and stuff I do. He knows I like people to clean up after themselves. He knows that I game, and loves to play with my little miniature monsters, and he knows that I stress about getting the right colors on a quilt together. These are things he will grow up with, part of his soul. He can 'expose' me because he wont know it's 'strange' to some what I do. I'm waiting for the day that he tells his teacher "I played an elf this weekend and captured orcs!" SIGH. hehe.

We need to go on an excavation of the soul/body/mind as we lose this weight more amazing things underneath will be exposed. Throw out the junk and keep the gems!!

R4P3: Day 3

Weight: 175.2 lbs
LDW: 173.8

I ate bacon, cheese and didn't get enough water. I hope I can correct this big upswing. I gained some on day 1 as well. Could have been too fatty of the hot wings? No clue.

Any way to correct this without having to do a steak or egg day? Can exercise take off the pounds? Since I am not 'stablized' I should be able to lose this weight as easily as I gained it by doing the right thing huh?

Sorry I didn't post last night. My friend came over, we watched tv, then I went to bed after he left so we could get our kid to sleep faster. anywho.

Today's Theme: Steffi's Theme: Do it for the right reasons!

So I found myself wanting to be back on HCG. It just seems so much simplier to take a medication, eat 500 calories comprised of particular types of food and day dream that it was obviously not our fault if we have a gain! Which in all honestly- lets face it, if we do the right thing that has been well written out for us, it really isn't our own fault! It is pms, tom, water weight, reshifting of weight, and a whole slew of things. We know that in a couple days we should lose this weight. We have comfort in that little hole. At least I do.

I am jonzing to get back onto hcg because it's my comfort. I think that is a great reason not to do long rounds like I did. Yes I am 110 lbs lighter pretty fast, yeay me! But I'm scared. I have fear.

Are we doing what we are doing for the right reason? Are we focusing too much on the numbers because I know I haven't grown in a size. My pants fit though I gained. But I want to go down, but feel like I have no map. I ate the right things. I actually didn't over eat. No Tummy ache. I know we can process lots of fat, but I think I might have eaten too much fat.

There is a safety net in saying "In 2 weeks I'm back on the diet" because if you gain some, you know that in minus 2 weeks you will be okay. But you know what. I went on vacation and I only gained like 3 lbs not worrying about my weight since I didn't have a scale. I just ate what was cooked, drank some yummy goodness, took some walks and had fun. (I think it was the walking that helped. I REALLY walked a lot because it was an option in Mexico and it was perfect weather)

It's cold here for a May. I want the weather to change. My husband has been working over time a lot and gets home late so I am feeling a bit lazy. I'm focusing on computer stuff, and a quilt I am wanting to sew together (I got a charm pack) and that doesn't involve much movement. I still have a couple months left on my gym membership. Maybe I will just go in there during my son's preschool and do some toning. That should help.

This was a bit of a vent, and soap boxing. I think an open ended p3/p4 round this time is a bit scary for me. It holds me accountable and makes me figure out what is before me and won't let me hide in p2 for a while. I am going to work through this! We need to work through our fears and over come them. I love the support we are giving each other here!

I am going to go look into the egg day just in case. I can't go a whole day w/o eating because of blood sugar issues, but I sure can eat a bunch of eggs! One of my favorite foods!! :)

Take care everyone!

R4P3: Day 1

Weight: 171.4 lbs
LDW: 173.8

Today was a good day, but I woke up WAY earlier than I expected. My son is a little under the weather and couldn't get back to sleep, We took a long nap. It was nice.

I had an omelet with some tomatoes and lots of spices. Some hot wings (couldn't eat much of them. Had a sliced apple with cheese for dinner. I just had some more hot wings to get my protein. lol. I will have another apple tonight I think OR my hubby will make me a strawberry smoothy w/ full fat milk. Mmmmmm.

I did have the cheese 'run through' me for the first day, so I am going to be more careful with it.

Tonight's Theme: Let Passion Be Your Decorator

Words to think: Achieving authentic harmony through our surroundings. Revising: Make work what doesn't work.Always revealing another aspect of our perspective as we discover it. Trust your instincts. A magnum opus can take a lifetime to create.


If we realize it or not. We show our selves in everything we do, say and show. We can't help it. We either are the authentic self, or the self deceptive self. We are our motivations, our passions. I think when we go to the store and pick something up, be it a pair of shoes, or scarf, we are showing the world "I'm dependable, I'm sensible, I'm inspired" I mean, every time I see a woman detective on tv run around in heals I go. "If that was me, I would put on some REAL shoes!" I think we acheive harmony if we get the things that we want. If that means conservative because that is how we feel, then so be it. I am someone who doesn't like too flashy of a print on my pants or shirt. I enjoy a nice black or tan slack with some single color shirt for the most part. I also enjoy one color jersey work out type shirts to lounge in. I am someone who likes comfort and not be too flashy. I just don't enjoy animal prints nor swirls nor polka dots! But that shouldn't stop the next person from celebrating and reveling in it.

I think we need to have a blue print for what we want our lives to look like. Now that you have that binder full of happy thoughts and what we want to 'be' in the future, it's not enough. Now we need to figure out how to put it in action. What can we do? Buy this cereal? Empty that cabinet of that crap food? Find a healthier alternative to that food? Buy those sexy running shorts and sneakers so we actually go outside and run? We need a plan of action.

Once we have that plan of action, we need to be willing to revise it!! This is the part I think I stumble on. I am going to write a cookbook. I get too overwhelmed by it. What if its not perfect. I have to figure it ALL out before I write it. I have a laundry list of recipes I do have, and ones that I made up that I want to make. But I want the book layout already figured out before I have actually tested the stuff?!? What the heck! No! I told my husband today: I am going to, now that I am on p3 and not restricted to 200g of meat a day (hehe), work on these recipes and let the other things come when they are needed. No forworring. We need to allow ourselves the ability to say "Crap, this path is a dead end, instead of boldering through to the other side I'm going to turn around and revise my map of action"

This plays into the fact that new adventures and obstacles (or as my old boss used to say "Opportunity to succeed!) show up. Maybe we find out we really don't like the chocolate brown pants? Maybe we realize, wow, orange does look good on me! Regardless of what my mom says. I do like eating this new type of veggie, or wow that alt bread is gross! Or maybe we can't deal with the vast amounts of passion we expected of ourselves, instead of tempering and stretching it out? We need to be allowed to revise our plan, as long as we move somehow forward, sometimes you have to put the car in reverse before we can move forward.

I love the line " A magnum opus can take a lifetime to create." We will never be done, at least I hope we won't, with our 'perfect' self EVER! New ideas pop into our minds, we grow older and hopefully wiser. We find out that sometimes it's okay not to learn to play that instrument because I would rather spend my time learning to knit. I don't knit. I find no enjoyment in this art because I can't do it. I can't do cross stitch either. But I have come to terms with these things and spend my time in things I can do well. Quilting, crocheting and sewing. I enjoy them because I seem to move forward when I learn them. It's not something I feel I am always at square 1 with. It's finding these talents and skills we can spend our time on rather then waste our time in the hamster wheel.

I'm glad I was able to pull something from tonight's journal. :) It seemed very bleak at the start because it was very physical redecorate your room sort of writing at the start. LOL This is a great book for anyone who wants to change their physical space a bit and get all cozy. It's a lovely read.

Take care everyone! Consider yourself hugged!

R4P2: Into my 2nd 24hours

Weight: 172.2 lbs
Loss Today: 1.6
Total Loss: 14
Total over all: 111.6

LDW: 173.8 (I got some room to 'play')

So I want to see if I can lose weight naturally, but at the same time I just want to do this whole round right. So we will see, tomorrow I am slowly introducing foods because of the hhcg I can do 2 days instead of 3 days. (48 vs 72 hours)

My son had a parent tea, it was nice, but my son was tired, he didn't sleep well last night. Poor thing. Kept us most of the night awake, so I'm amazed that I lost anything.

I will continue to take some potassium for a bit. I didn't realize I was taking pretty much 1/2 of what I should. The potassium bottles are confusing to me. Too many choices.

I'm feeling otherwise really well. I feel I look good. I was able to get into a pair of size 14 black slacks. I like slacks, but have limited myself to 1 pair of jeans at each phase. My husband wondered who that skinny woman was that picked up his son, then as I turned around it was me! :) hehe.

Tonight's Theme: Passion: the Authentic Muse

Words to chew on: There goes life, and not with a bang, but a whimper and a whine. sacred fire burns within. If we do not express outward passion, we will experiance self-immolation- the spontaneous combustion of our soul.

This one hit me like a ton of bricks. I love passion. I love BEING passionate. I LOVE feeling passion and expression. I love crying at tv shows, kids books with sweet endings and commercials that touch the soul, even if they sell dog food to an old dog. I love writing with passion, I love getting passionate about a product, or an idea. But the one thing I don't seem to get passionate about, or at least forget most of the time is to be passionate about me and my current state of being. I am in a cocoon waiting to be 120 lbs to emerge and wear the sexy clothes and be free. I am free now. I am sexy NOW!

I sometimes find the passion in p2 and going into the kitchen to whip up something creatively. I LOVE that. I love having my parents over and 'showing off' my newly formed dish. I love sharing new found information, nothing should be kept. I think that information is power, and power should be given to everyone!

Many people have tagged me negatively as 'emotional' which is just another word for passionate. I have tried so many years to temper that, but one day I realized, it is them who is sort of sad. To not feel as strongly as me. That is what feelings are about huh? To feel them?

We need to find passion in every phase we are in, regardless if it's the fact that tomorrow night I will sit here with a cut apple and a happy amount of peanut butter, or finding that strawberries and salad make an awesome match for p2! If it's the passion of waking up to step onto a balanced scale, losing weight or making it into those pants we have held our breath for, literally and figuratively. :)

What makes you wake up in the morning? What makes you passionate? And do you make it part of your day, rather then the occasional indulgence? Passion is not like fine chocolate to be only enjoyed sparingly, and only once in a while! (though I hear some great reports about dark chocolate and to make it a nightly habit with a small square piece! WOOT!)

Have a wonderful night everyone!

R4P2: Day 15

Weight: 173.8 lbs
Loss Today: 0
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 110

No gain, no Loss. I don't remember what I said about that, if it was a sign to stop. At least I didn't get a big loss to tempt to stay on. I have decided to stop this round. With the fact that I only took a 10 day break between these two rounds seem to make it okay to stop at day 15.

I do not consider myself weak or just wanting food. I'm listening to my body and it says STOP! I was letting my mind get in the way, over think it, and then worry about what everyone else will think. SCREW IT! I don't have time to make everyone happy. hehe. Your on your own about that! ;)

I will continue to blog. I'm curious- if anyone answers I will take it into consideration: Do you want me to continue to blog about hcg w/ these themes? Or do you want me to also take p3/p4 (whatever phase I am in) to cloud my thoughts? Though I think most of the blogs lately have just been about the adventure of weight loss, and we have included p3/p4 as a part of that really right? anywho. Sigh. I'm over thinking aren't I?

Tonight's Theme: The Fullness of Nothing

In my face words: Never assume that the people in your life, especially those closest to you, won't innocently meddle in your internal affairs while you're on the path to authenticity. empty space or 'shroud' of the unknown. empty space pregnant with possibilities.

While we are on the path of losing weight, and becoming the thin folk that we are becoming, I think there is a lot of input from the peanut crowd. Sometimes we like it, but other times it's just irritating like a little tiny fly in the ear. I most realize this with other people and your kid. Leave me alone, I know what I am doing to my kid and I will pay the shrinks bills if I mess him up! ;) I think the only way for us to be authentic is to take in the words of others, but then to spit them out if we don't find ourselves mirroring them. Dump it! I think it is okay to internalize what someone says, but honestly, if it's garbage, throw it out and don't worry about it. If you know something is garbage we don't wonder "Should that have gone away?" otherwise there might be a hint of truth in it, and we should wonder why it bothers us? But that is another thing for another time.

The journal talked a lot about negative space. Like a bare table. It holds your negative space. Designers and artists know this one. Sometimes I wonder if people have to fill up everything with anything to feel full. But then you have no clarity. I think the same thing goes for weight loss, mentality and schedules. We need 'empty' space to allow ourselves to think, to come up with new ideas, and to take a breather. We need to allow for that 3 hour block to stay empty so we can use it ourselves. (personally- we always filled up our calendars if we didn't put something in them. Of course I am free on Tues at 3pm, though I really just wanted to stay home and clean a little. I now put in 'putter off time' or 'me and hubby sit on our butts day' so that i can't fill it up and can tell people "yup, busy" )

I think we need that negative space to fill up our minds from time to time so we can just go crazy and do free thinking. Like with our kids. I have taken a serious notion that my kid will not be overbooked, really just booked into anything. I might sign him up for a preschool a couple times a week, and maybe 1 activity that seems fun to mingle, but nothing like I see other mothers doing. Not only are they going crazy with all the travel. I truly feel that kids, along with any other human, needs 'putter off time'. They need to do whatever they feel like it w/o rules for a little while. Unstructured time. Especially during p2, I think we need time to sit and think about what we are doing, and just let the mind wander. Or just sit and stare at a blank wall to allow our thoughts to unravel onto the floor.

What mental shelf are you willing to clean clear today?

R4P2: Day 14

Weight: 173.8 lbs
Loss Today: -.8
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 110

I'm hoping that the woozieness is a potassium issue, though I have been taking some. Maybe the wrong kind? Anyways. I'm tired tonight. It was a long day of hanging out with some friends, my son meeting a little girl and having a TON of fun! My husband had to work today so it was hard to be without him. He is doing a lot of overtime because work has a deadline and a lot of work to finish. Money! heh. But there will come a time that he will be done w/ the overtime! Since I really want his time more than the money!

Tonight's Theme: Nurturing Your Authentic Flair.

Words to chew on: Our real life budget may delay the process longer than our conscious minds might wish. transformation not without transition. sleepwalking to awakening. Extraordinary gift of time- time to know what you love.

Real life goes by one day at a time. It is eternally ticking away from us. But this is also frustrating when we see an end. Our goal weight. Only 50 more lbs away, especially after losing 110lbs looks very close. You might have 7 lbs to go, but feels like a life time. Reading someone's blog (almost caught up) I'm made aware of another person's struggle of what I go through- the constant little losses, a sudden small gain, then a big loss. Rinse and Repeat. It makes us feel like we are getting no where fast, though one day we wake up and we are almost there.

I can be focused on the numbers, I can play the numbers all day long. If I only lose X amount in Y amount of time. But I am realizing we are so focused on the numbers we forget that we have a destination to prepare for. We are transforming into new people, healthier people, thinner people. Happier people? We should not sleep walk through this phase focused on numbers and inches. We should lift our heads up and figure out what we want that destination to look like?

I read in tonights journal that to reimagine the house, or get it to what we want, we should create a book, a binder of sorts and start collecting samples of what we want, a picture out of a magazine, and such. I think we could do this as well. Not just put in magazines of dresses, but of how we envision our life. People doing yoga? Riding a bike? Marathon pictures? Maybe we see a picture of a picture perfect family eating watermelon and sipping water with wedges of lemon? Anything that sparks how we might want to live and then try to realize these things in our life. We will never be 'picture perfect' and I do not advocate it, but find our Authentic Self within that picture. Find a yoga class perhaps. Buy the healthy foods. But with a road map, and a mental reminder of what we want will make it true.

I used to totally suck at hitting a ball when I was playing fast pitch as a teenager. Then I got a coach that told me to sit, close my eyes and while waiting in the dugout for my turn, envision myself hitting the ball. You know what- I did hit the ball A LOT more!!

It is our turn to take control of our healthy lifestyle and find things WE want in our lives before we just sleepwalk our way back up 10, 20, or 50 lbs.

quick update: Need input and help from others

Hey guys,

So I have had to deal with some dizzy/woozie issues every time I make a semi-rapid move. I have noticed that just getting up is causing some woozieness.

So question: I did a 36 day round, took a 14 day break, and now I am on day 14. Can I stop and go into p3(after the 72 hours) right now??

I am going to take a full p3/p4 break. I might not start till about August so I can let my body settle down.

My husband and I did the math. I have done 211 days of hcg since August and I think my body is DONE! I read something about a constant high fat diet on the liver. We have done that with hcg through our body fat (Does it get processed by the liver though?)

So please let me know something, anything you would about this situation. I'm ready to stop tomorrow if I have to!!

Thanks!