Hormonally Changed Gal

No Rules or regulations

2010-11-05T11:47:00.001-07:00

I have been busy with various things. Making yearly costumes, trying to find time to run/walk, and I have now gotten myself into writing 50k words in November. (http://www.nanowrimo.org/)

I have learned that patterns are a loose understanding of how to correctly do something. But when you do it often enough you find your own way of doing it that works for you.

When you start out on something you find yourself following the rules because the cake might come out the way you want it. I have this NEED to follow some pattern of running because If I follow it I will succeed, if not then I will fail. Same thing with the story writing. If I use that program the RIGHT away then I will write the great American novel.

If we do the diet JUST right we will succeed, if we don’t, we will lose.

Folks: There is no manual to how to live life, because I have come to the conclusion that there is not RIGHT way of living life. It is what you want to do. It is how comfortable you are. You need to find those personal rules or code of conduct. I am not saying go out and shove someone. I hate it when people think that by having no rules you go out and do mean things. I do not hurt people because I choose to, not because of some law. I do not steal not because of laws, because I don’t believe in taking from other’s regardless of how stupid, mean or ungrateful it is. I will not lower myself to them.

So.

Life has no real rules, there are a bunch of rules that have been enforced on us because it brings about a community that seems to disfunctionally function. heh.

Who cares if you cheat on this diet. Who cares of you get one less mile in this week. Who cares if you like to watch that tv show that no one will admit to watching. If that is what you need to do to get through life, then so be it. You need to live with yourself and you need to figure it out.

I have a lot of anxiety with rules. If I don’t follow that word program on how it is suppose to be used, then I have somehow failed. I need instead, to find a way to use that program for my needs. I need to find my comfort zone, I need to think outside of the box and figure out the consequences of my actions and can *I* live with them? I am not saying that cheating on the diet won’t make you gain weight. I am saying maybe it’s not the end of the world.

I think we get caught up in following the rules so precise that we hurt our mental well being in the process. I don’t want a thin body at the expense of showing it off to my couch because I won’t leave the house.

I’m realizing things about myself, I am trying to let experiences teach me. I am also trying to be honest with myself.

My family life growing up was that my mom had these horrible illnesses. She has RA and it’s hard on her, but that gave her the license to be the physical patient in the house. I was a bit mentally messed up, but it was denied as much as possible because I had to be the perfect daughter. I am not realizing that I am riddled with anxiety and I could benefit from some sort of therapy or medication. This is hard for me to admit. Because I am not allowed to have problems. I am to suffer in silence and just DEAL with it!

I have had good conversations with my parents lately that allow me to have some issues because it bonds me with my mom’s anxiety. We can now relate with stuff and when we have a few glasses of wine our lips are loose. heh. It’s been nice though.

I have admitted this to my husband, and he has known it, but I have always just changed topics and now we are having more honest conversations with solutions that will be long term.

Part of it is realizing that rules hurts me. Rules of how to write, I am so wrapped up with following the rules exactly that if I step one step off of the beaten path I am a failure. This is extreme. I am not advocating speeding. heh. I am not advocating just being a dumb behind about stuff, common sense needs to play a roll, and that is the thing. When we follow certain rules to the extreme, common sense leaves the room. It goes both ways in the extreme. Like if you go to far to the left or the right, you are extreme and meet at the same place.

In the end it’s about realizing that life has no hard and fast rules, relax and do what works for you and use those codes of conduct for yourself, and who cares about outside voices. (or even inside negative voices for that matter)

I realize I could use this advice in my parenting life as well. Stop listening to the advice from outside and follow what works for our family!

A sunday afternoon

2010-10-24T13:32:00.001-07:00

Hello,

It’s been a while and seems that when not on the diet, I don’t do as much posting. Which is funny since I am in love with writing. I am going to try to take part of the November Writing contest.

I love to walk, I love to write. I love to enjoy life as much as possible. I Love to better myself as a person. So let me find a theme for today! :)

I’m doing good though. I am walking. Did about 10 miles this week but should have taken a break since I did the 5k. I think I posted something on that. I’m all mixed up. Life is mixed up and then it calms down enough to sit and write about it. Heh.

It looks like we are on day 15th: Authentic Success.

Cute “We must all pay with the current coin of life For the honey that we taste.” – Rachel Blumestein.

When I think of Authentic Success I think of the idea of authentic being real, honest and meaningful to ourselves. When we accomplish something for other’s it really isn’t authentic. I think once we feel comfortable enough to be honest, we can truly live authentic. Why are you really losing weight? If you are happy with your current weight, why lose more? Why gain more? What are OUR goals? I think we have so many obligations to our family, to our friends and to the world. To our perceived expectations. I Think that is the hardest part. We can say “oh, my mom wants me to lose weight’ and be able to recognize it as ‘that goal’ outside of ourselves, but what about after your mom passes away and it’s in your soul. How do you know if this is a goal you want to do, or you think your parents wanted for you? That it’s some sort of self imposed expectation. I want to be size 2 because that is what the world wants and I would be accepted more? I mean for god sakes people- there are plenty of clothes in size 4 that would look good. But if it’s a true “I feel bloated and just feel BETTER in a size 2 because that is the weight your body wants to be at, that would be authentic. That is your mind listening to your body and what it needs.

I won! In 2 ways

2010-10-18T16:16:00.001-07:00

I did the 5k yesterday! WOOT!

So I won 1st place in Women's Walking. WOOT!
and 2: I did the best time yet for myself: 12:45 min pace!!!!

I'm so proud of that accomplishment.

There were only 100 people and maybe 50% runners and 40% of them were 'casual' walkers. So I feel like I was the only one in my 'catagory' that really pushed for a timed walk. heh. But we did it for public school sports, so they were the true winners! :)

I want to do small 5k events like this that benefit stuff like that. Breast Cancer, Women in the Congo, and various other local things that my 15 dollars would make a difference along with 200 other people. ya know?

I said I was going to walk maybe a Mile today, but ended up on the phone with the husband and walking w/ him for 3 miles! WOOT! I think what I might do next time is walk 1 mile, THEN call him and see if I get 4 miles out of it. ;) lol. It felt REALLY good to walk. I need to start working towards running a 5k for the end of February.

Okay:
Thought Time:
So I have bathroom books. Not books that are about bathrooms but books I keep in bathrooms for casual or indepth reading. My bathroom upstairs has Einstein for Dummies and a Book of Zen (Need to get the title again) and the book of zen had some really interesting thoughts I wanted to share.
So the idea is that we start out 'not knowing' stuff so we do not stop at one thing in our mind. We just 'swing the sword' to block the attack, we don't think about the name of the move. Then we start to learn to become swordmasters, and in the process we learn technique, we learn names, we learn what we should do with our arms. Then we get caught up in the thinking of 'now I block with a blocking move called x' and we have a mental hiccup. We stop and stare at the one leaf to miss the whole tree of leaves. But once we BECOME the 'masters' we stop thinking of the moves and just do them. We take in the whole tree. That idea that the fool and wise person become the same. The circle has been completed.

I think we do that with diets, and hcg, or weight loss. We do a lot of not knowing at first. We just do. We make meals, thinking they are healthy, we have habits we just do! Then we learn that we need to drink water, we need to look at labels, and it becomes very overwhelming and time consuming. We make it a full time job of dieting. But now I understand- we should let that process happen. We need to let the knowledge come to us, and realize that ONE DAY it will become just as natural as using the restroom. We will eat the right thing 'naturally'. We will pass on foods that are bad, just because we don't want them. We will make these good 'diet' habits naturally one day as long as we make our conscience effort now to do the right thing.

5k today sick yesterday

2010-10-16T09:28:00.001-07:00

Hey folks

So I was sick this last week. The kid was then sick, we think 2 boughts of possible food poisoning. Poor kid.

I rearranged the whole house though while the kid was in bed sick. So. That leaves me at no work out for the last week. except heavy lifting.

I have a 5k today w/o walking this whole week, unless you count the 10 times up and 10 times down the staircase. Maybe more. That has to count right? It is not like I was in bed for a week. I’m nervious but no clue why. Just the anxiety and excitment of it all!!!

I ate a banana with peanut butter, some coffee a tiny little aussie muffin and water. I think I am ready. This should settle enough for a 11am starting time (it being 9:20 now).

Just writing this is upping my anxiety! Wooooooo. I will hopefully post a finish line picture IF my husband doesn’t mess up and arrive late. I am taking my phone and will call him if I have to. LOL. My parents are going as well. I am VERY happy about this, otherwise I would be in the bathroom throwing up from anxiety of having to do it alone. I hate doing things alone for the most part.

Oh, our house got painted by the landlord. Not her personally, but she had it done, I found out a lot about her history of the property. Very cool. Her son owns the construction company that does the painting and fixing. Very cool. Okay. Total topic switcher. I got my diabetie bar for energy but not a bunch of sugar (I have been more sensitive to sugar lately. SIGH) and my smart water. I got safety pins for my number. I got my ipod w/sensor for my shoe. I will be doing a personal timing. Since I know that the time goes by the first person who crosses the start line.

Oh my. NERVIOUS!

I should get ready to go, parents will be here any minute! Big hugs all. sorry for the absence, but I have been busy rearranging house and being sick.

T minus 144 days

2010-10-04T18:23:00.001-07:00

Hello All,

So ya, I have been like liquid, very fluid. But I think you need to be as you find out new information. I have decided to keep walking but not push the running. I found out several things.

1. When 190 lbs you shouldn’t really run, but walking while pushing yourself is good! So I won’t do an all or nothing thing. I am walking marathons!

2. Many marathons are VERY walker friendly. WOOT!

So ya, so I am going to focus on walking a 1/2 marathon in 144 days though my sister in law wants to me work on running the 5k. We will see. In light of the new info I think I have a lot to back me for walking. I am not wimping out. I just want a long fitness career!

My birthday was yesterday. :D I spent Saturday night at a hotel with husband w/o kid. It was nice to have a little break and focus on each other. We went to a marvelous restaurant. Had great Italian food and too many Cosmo’s! :D Okay, not too many! I became a WOO girl, but all inside! I dare not to be that brazen in public! Or I just didn’t drink enough. ;)

So ya. I’m excited about the walking. I even went walking the day we were suppose to pack our stuff on Saturday. I just HAD to walk.

My pants are feeling bigger, yet my weight is slightly higher. So I think I am getting muscle? How long does that whole process take?

I want to get this posted. I will post something from the book soon. I could really use it!

The ponderings of me right now

2010-09-24T16:08:00.001-07:00

So I took two days off from walking/jogging. I felt horrible about it. I had a lot of hours on wednesday to do it, but choose to do other things. Then yesterday I had no time, and when the husband gets home it gets too dark, though I am thinking I could walk up and down our main street which has bright lights. So no excuses. Oh, my friend also stops by on Thursdays, so that made it hard in the evening. Sigh. But I did just short of 3 miles today.

Day 13th: Thoughts on Success

I do find it funny I am so behind, but yet I find that some themes are so perfect for the day I sit down and ponder it. What does success mean? Have we been conditioned to feel like success or failure? What does success feel like and should we be embarrassed about it? It seems women are to be humble as pie. The meek shall inherit the earth right? We have been conditioned as children, some in older generations more then new generations, to keep our mouths shut, or speak with low voice. We are women after all. We are the weaker sex and should act accordingly. BULL SHIT! :D

We are strong in our right minds! Even in our wrong minds! :) We are capable of bringing another human being into this world, and BIRTHING IT! We are women! Hear us ROAR!!! Not freaking meows. Though, gentle is nice too. But come on. We can be successful. Gosh, Seriously folks. I am in the ‘set myself up for failure’ camp.

In the back of my mind if I do not accomlish a mini marathon on Feb 28th in Disneyworld I will feel like I have failed. Though in the mirror I say “oh, 5k is fine. I would be successful if I did it” and you know, most of my family would be SO proud of me. Not only did I do it, but that means till then I have been pounding pavement, getting my body in better shape, which is the primary concern of my parents. I am goal oriented and if I don’t make it I’m a failure. Why the world are we our worst enemies?? We need to be our absolute best friend. How can we cross that bridge? How can we be our own cheer leader? We are with ourselves 100% of the time. We need to find a way to be there for ourselves.

I think people think in extremes. You have to do it all or not at all. We can’t just be okay with cleaning the sink and letting the rest of the kitchen be a mess. I can’t even make myself breakfast or coffee in the morning unless the whole kitchen is clean, no matter how hungry I am. I won’t let myself feel successful unless I beat the world record holder. Miserable huh?

Day 14th: Giving Yourself Credit (great segway huh?)

I think I don’t give myself credit because I am afraid that if I say something nice about myself, someone who is listening will think I am a bad person or will say ‘strive for better’ so I need to beat them to the punch. That is why I am hard on myself. I HATE criticism of the horrid kind. Not simply how to do something better, but not getting credit from others. So when I do something wrong I have to blow it out of proportion. I have to loudly let other’s know that “ I KNOW I MESSED UP! I AM HORRID! I SHOULD LOCK MYSELF UP” and hope that people say “oh noooo, that is not true, your great and awesome. You should get a metal for that!”

I also was raise around two parents that just couldn’t give me a compliment or praise in fear of me becoming complient. Actually I don’t know why they did that, but I think it was their fear that I would sit down and relax. We can’t have that. I would call my mom and tell her about my weekend Monday mornings when I lived 70 miles away. She would come back with her laundry list of ‘stuff she did’ because it was some competition for who worked the hardest. I could never say “I worked 60 hours, so I took the weekend off. There is always house work, maybe go out and exercise or do something that doesn’t involve being ‘lazy’” SIGH.

I challenge all of us, every night, to find ONE thing that day that we can give ourselves credit for. Doesn't’ have to be a marathon. Maybe simply ‘I went out and walked’, or ‘I made sure to say ‘I love you’ to my children’, why not a simple ‘I told myself I loved myself’ or something. Hey, respond to this post with something you give yourself credit for today, if you can’t seem to today, think of this last week! I want to know other things that we should give our selves credit for. I wonder if ‘not bickering for once after our husband dropped his freaking dirty socks on the couch’ yet I feel like that is a cop out. LOL.

Are you a dreamer or visionary?

2010-09-21T13:42:00.001-07:00

So as I am training to run I signed up for Jeff Galloway’s Newsletter. I like his ‘run/walk’ method of training. So I don’t have to learn to run over night. :)

Anywho- Well he sends this motivational letter to you to read. I caught on to something about hcg and us: Dreams vs Visions.

The idea is that dreams are able to be more then we can get to. Like flying. Being so tiny and such a low weight and skinny figure that it is unrealistic. Maybe coming in under 1 hour on a 26 mile run! Those are dreams, but they can be fairly unrealistic. Visions are like dreams, but they seem to be steeped in some form of reality and goal setting. I guess it’s like saying “I’m releasing weight’ vs “i’m LOSING weight'” (that has a feeling that we will find it later).

We need to be realistic with our goals. I talked to a lady today, she said she likes small goals that she can reach. I tend to be a big spender when it comes to goals. BIG goals that I can work on failing!

Lets start with small goals. Losing 1 lb at a time. Shaping ourself one step at a time. What can we realistically accomplish today? I want to clean the whole house, but it needs to be put into small realistic bite sized goals. We need this because WE NEED to SUCCEED once in a while, and show ourselves what setting up ourselves for success vs failure feels like. Even if it means to clean out one side of the sink by putting all the dirty dishes in the other side. ;) We just need to find little ways other than food that we can feel good about. :)

48 hours

2010-09-20T16:31:00.001-07:00

Hello All

I’m feeling pretty positive right now. I just hope it keeps up. I wanted to go running today, but my window wasn’t there, I hope tonight after hubby comes home, and do a 1-3 mile in the park.

Day 10: Setting your own pace, or beating to your own drum can be an internal sound. I was thinking about this post. The greatest personal achievements might not be received well by others. I think we all know this one too well with just the introduction of hcg. “YOUR DOING WHAT!?! You will die! You will suffer!” Oh well, we know different. Why should we only put our trust in the hormone? Why not ourselves that if we feel that we are doing the right thing, maybe we are for ourselves! Not everyone can beat to one drum. We wouldn’t have the diversity that we have. I think we need to be respectful of other people’s decisions and I think we need to be mindful of the ones we take. Just because we really want them doesn’t mean they will be good for us, but they are the ones we got until something new comes around.

Day 11: A Psalm for life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Let us, then, be up and doing

With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait.

We need time to focus on making our dreams come true. We can’t sit around hoping we will win the lottery, we need to go out and buy a ticket. We need to dedicate just 5 minutes to start then make it bigger and bigger. I bet we could steal some time in the bathroom to read a book. We waste a lot of time during the day, and I wonder if it is because we are so overworked at times we dilly around looking like we are busy because we are afraid of really taking care of ourselves.

Find out what it is you want in life. I always say that I can’t make time for exercise, but somehow where there is a will there is a way. Find out what your will is asking you to do. Then you will naturally find a way! Cut out the crap in your life as well. Don’t let yourself get cluttered in the nuances of life of ‘shoulds’ and ‘for others’ and find some time for yourself.

Day 12: uncommon women and others.

Our Aspirations are our possibilities. – Samuel Johnson.

Being self absorbed in the making of contacts and being self puffed up. Or being a woman focused on the task at hand. To make the work you are focused on the best thing possible. I feel that sometimes we gloss up ourselves to show something we are not. We can’t seem to have strong enough stilts to keep up that act. I think if we just are, become what we can. I like what the woman says about what Wendy Wasserstein says “Every year I resolve to be a little less the me I know and leave a little room for the me I could be” How profound. The idea of shedding our souls like a reptile sheds his skin. That the soul is not possibly already formed and set in it’s way, that we don’t ‘uncover or even discover’ our true selves, but that it can come from building a soul, an authentic self. I mean, we are shedding our fat.

I do not consider myself a ‘runner’, at least not right now. I am going to run, I’m a walker though. I am a walker grabbing a ticket into a runners world. I just don’t see myself as a ‘runner’ but I will be. Maybe a jogger. heh. I am excited to run. I love to get out and walk fast w/ some jogging. I am cobbling together something here. I love labels, it makes it easier to understand what is in the box and to convey that information to someone who shares the same symbolism behind that label. “All cars go in the box labeled cars” but at the same time I fight the idea of labeling people. We can be so much more, and we are more diverse than a label maker’s stash of letters.

So I am on day 12 in the book. I want to get caught up so I can really dig into singular posts, but it’s been nice exercise to wrap up what I say in small tidy little blog spurts! :) I am long winded, so short exercises are a challenge. :) I love what HCG has done for me, but I am also interested in the training to run, which has conflicted with hcg a little bit, but as long as I eat sensibly and continue to train, I should continue to lose weight. We will give it a week to simmer and I will report that back to you. :)

Thank you everyone for reading. I will continue to post (Ya, you heard that one before) because I realize I do need it. It’s that ‘take 5 minutes’ a day to do something you enjoy and helps you move forward.

I also got an blog to your email set up so now I can read some of your folks blog more reliably. So hopefully you will see me around your blogs more! I love that we are a community of folks that help each other (though I have yet to see many men out there? Sigh.) and I really want to keep up with you guys!

Big hugs! Thanks again for reading!

72 hour countdown

2010-09-19T15:30:00.001-07:00

Hey folks,

So I have decided since I am going to be serious about this training, and trying it for a few days, that I need to be off the diet in order to ‘eat right’ for training. Meaning more carbs to sustain me on the 3 mile walks. I just can’t get away from trying to do a daily 3 mile walk. I’m addicted. But with that I need to eat more. I hope no one really disagrees. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to change my mind. I will say this enough times not to feel guilty to the outside world. I tried to ‘eat a little more’ and not gain weight but that seems a little troublesome right now.

I will give myself a week OFF the diet and see how it works. If I find myself gaining too much (which I need to do a daily weight and body fat calculations (I have a machine.)) I will go back on the hcg. We will make it work!

I’m excited though. I found a race RIGHT OUTSIDE my door. We have an awesome park across the street. They have one Nov 7th. I will run that one, I hope to find a 5k walk sooner though. I am itching to get these feet in something ‘official’.

I walked last week: Sun:3miles, Mon: 1 mile, Tue: 2.13mile, Wed: 1 mile, Thur: Day OFF (house work), Fri: 3 miles, Sat: 3 miles (Total: 13.13 miles)

I hope to land 15 miles this week. I did some miscalculations on several walks and didn’t make time for a couple walks because of time restrictions. But 13 miles from 0 miles is still something.

Okay- off to shower. We are going to my parents an hour early so I can get my husband to do 3 miles with me!! :) I AM HYPED!!!

I will post more theme hopefully tonight after I get home.

p2D25 189.8 (17.2 lbs)

2010-09-15T22:31:00.001-07:00

This I got from Autumn's Rosier Days blog who got it from Helderheid's Blog. WOW. This is a very cool video about being alone. I hate being alone, but all I could think about when seeing this was, my family friend who is now a widow, is alone in her house. We will one day be alone for some reason, I say, when you don’t have to be alone, make it okay to be alone, so the days when you HAVE to be alone are not so painful and depressing.

Day 8: Getting from here to there, Well, I think we listen to others too much. I wish we could all somehow, at least for me, figure out what I want. Especially watching that video I am struck by the personality and the things the lady surrounds herself with. She has a tattoo. She wears wonderful knit hats. She just seems to have a life she enjoys for the most part. I realize that I try to have some sort of ‘martha steward’ exterior but I never let myself come out. Why did we do hcg? For ourselves or for someone else? If it is the latter, then we need to start thinking what self motivation we need to pull out from under our beds to keep us thin! What if our routines that we have set up are familiar and nice. Miserable as they are? We need to find new ones in order to stay thin and keep ourselves motivated to stay off hcg once we hit our goals!

Day 9: The courage to answer the call. Love leads the way, or rather, sustains us through the rough moments. So, who motivated you to get thin? Was it the love for yourself. Personally folks, letting yourself get 10 lbs over weight might not start a pattern of self loathing, maybe just an oversight on your gym routine? I could totally be wrong, and call me out on it, but I have to admit, there has to be some serious self loathing letting yourself go 150 lbs over weight. And anything in-between. Why do we not love ourselves enough to eat right and do the correct thing? It really doesn’t have to be boring. I think self loathing continues when you shove cardboard in your mouth and you say to yourself “You will eat this crap and you will freaking love it!!” You might lose 100 lbs, but you loath EVERY moment of it. You still hate yourself. Once we break the self loathing, and truly love ourselves it will sustain our journey of health. We will just naturally take good care of ourselves. It will sustain our goodwill no matter what road blocks are in our way, or how dark the night gets. We will be able to be okay with it because love is our candle, our little light in the storm for ourselves.

The troops have come into my computer space (living room) so I will end there for tonight! Many blessings and hugs to you all. Stay safe and healthy and motivated for every challenge you are hit with!

P2D22: 198(18lbs)

2010-09-13T00:11:00.001-07:00

So, it went something like this on Facebook:

My 1st sister in law: I did cardio!

My 2nd sister in law: You should do the Mini Marathon at the Disney Princess with me

Me: CAN I JOIN!!!!!

My sister in laws: Sure!

So. I am going to work towards a mini marathon, though I have my sights set for the 13 miles, I am content if I end up running the 5k. Well, not really, but I will at least do one run in the Princess Race! :) Feb 28th 2011.

So I have already done 2 walks of 3 miles. Very enjoyable. Need a good bra and better socks! My shoes will work till I actually start running more. I am doing 99% walking right now. I am working on a 15 min walking mile. I have done a 16.5(Sat) and a 15.3(Sun) so far. I feel I am off to a good start.

I get my Nike+ this week, most likely the 14th. That should help a lot. Tomorrow I plan to take it easy with a simple 1 mile walk/jog after I get some socks!

I WOULD APPRECIATE: I know there are some folks out there that are brimming with advice about how to do this right! Please share. I am going to eat extra since I am also on the diet. I had a bowl of beans and chicken right before my walk today. I am staying on my vitamins and drinking plenty of water. I feel GREAT after a walk actually, as well as during. I am not PUSHING myself, I am comfortably walking fast. I could hold a conversation if I needed to. I am doing this!! :) I will not wait till I am skinny mini w/ hcg. I am going to make this work for me!! Bare with me, but I still want advice (not the ‘do not do it’ advice please. hehe)

Okay. So I am getting behind on my theme writing:

Day 6: Work is love made visible? The what?Well, you got to read the the entry to understand that better apparently. Work can be a place to minister. Translating that. Working from the heart. Make the hcg diet more then just a diet. You are shaping yourself, what you are doing is bringing something better into this world. You are creating a sexier self, a self full of confidence, a person who is content with themselves that will be more willing to smile at someone else, to share the joy they have in their heart. Fat will not longer bind us. Will not longer be our walls. Yes, this is darned scary for some of us who used fat as a wall of protection, but now we can say hello and be well received. I was also thinking – the healthier we are the better suited to help others we become, may it be walking for a cause, walking over to a neighbor to help them mow the lawn or just sit one more day longer with our loved ones by being alive. Our healthiness reverberates through the universe and touches people. Yes, maybe those ripples get weaker as they get farther away from us, but they are still there, and they still bump into someone, and I feel that the healthier we are, the more positive that bump will be!!

Day 7: Wishcraft: Getting from here to there. I like this entry. She talks about a woman who says it’s not about hypnosis or character building, its about having real graspable hands on material to get us through the day. I call them my tools in the toolbox. We need these things, real tangible things, that will get us through a hard day, I mean, think about that box of chocolates, they manage to get us through the day, but with big consequences at the end of the week. I need and desire tools that won’t make that chocolate my tool. I need real tools like ‘walking it off’ or taking 5 minutes in a quiet room to cool down. I need to have a reason to get up in the morning, and not just something that will fail me if I don’t have the personal motivation to be positive. I think the scale can be that for us while on the diet. My favorite part on Saturdays is being home with my two boys (my hubby and son) and drinking my coffee quietly on the couch. Just letting myself wake up. That is the most favorite part of the morning for me. Think ahead and make a meal you can’t say no to that is p2. That can be motivating, the dress the hanging on your bathroom wall that your THAT close to getting into. The picture of our high school prom that we looked absolutely amazing in. These things are physical motivators to help us through the moments when ‘to get healthy’ is just not cutting it for us.

Something else that should motivate us: Pictures of our family, may it be a husband, mother or children. The event we want to participate in after we become thinner to do it (like a marathon). Blood tests that are not okay now. Seeing the sun come out, the beach we would miss, the house we would forget. Things that we can not take when we go, but provide us happiness and comfort while we are here.

I have been thinking of our family friend, and he did not take good care of himself, but he LIVED life to the fullest. As much as I admire someone living life to the fullest, I still wonder ‘was it worth it sir?’ Leaving your family behind who will miss you terribly. The friends who think about their own fathers and other members. I think we need to start thinking about ‘living life to the fullest’ and what it truly means. Does it mean beer, fatty foods and seeing the world? Or can it mean seeing the world, gourmet low fat meals, and walks on the beach? A marathon here and there? Spending time with kids w/o the heavy drinking? I enjoy wine, I admit, but there has to be a limit to the ‘fun’ we can have over all. I will not make my Faux Uncle be a bad guy, and I do not mean to write him as such, but I think we deserve to stay here another day for those we love if it means laying off the Foie gras a little bit.

I told my parents the best gift a parent can give their kid is living as long as possible (I do realize that this might not be the case for some, but I thank life that it is for me). To which my father said “ You don’t want your inheritance?” And I responded “Hey, I would rather have my inheritance spent on family group vacations and gatherings if that meant spending one more day with you dad.” I meant it folks!

Long post, lots to chew on. I am only up to day 7 and we are day 13 on the calendar. Oh well, I will catch up if I do at least 2 daily! :)

Goodnight to all! Have a great start to your week! And if you didn’t, why?! Then change it, watching something funny or inspiring! :) Big hugs!

p2d19 190(17lbs)

2010-09-09T12:46:00.001-07:00

Hello,

So I am attempting to dig into the book and come up with something that can sum up the last 9 days worth of entries.

I love the thoughts that come out of the book: Use September as a time to make your resolutions and January to rest.

Quote: “Why do you suppose so many of us waste the autumn? Why don’t we make the effort that would provide something new in our lives? January’s negative resolutions ‘are made when we are worn out in spirit, body and pocketbook, and have no real urge to do anything but rest.” – Katharine Elizabeth Fite, Good Housekeeping 1949.

September: Reaping what we sow, turning over a new leaf.

2nd day talks about woman and the world work place. We woman work hard, maybe it be at a job or home. We take care of children and food, budgets and animals. Striving to understand who we are so that we can take pride in the work we do. Why do you do HCG? Why do you go to that effort? What do you hope to accomplish? Have you lost your path in all this focus on the details of the diet?

3rd Day: The woman’s secret fantasy tends not to be erotic, it tends to involve in just packing up and going and starting a new life. Some take kids, some don’t. But it’s the idea of going and leaving behind all the work, the worries that won’t slip off our shoulders. The bills, the feeding, the work left undone, the children neglected.

This fantasy can be very helpful since it is a red flag to say we have reached our breaking point, and that we need to take a break somehow. If you find yourself done with hcg, I really don’t care when it is in the scheme of things. You should consider taking a break. I am currently enjoying the round because I got 3 months of refresh. I realized also I needed this round because even OFF of HCG I was getting scared and hated eating because it seemed I only gained. Trust your body, it can let you know when you are either ready to stop or start HCG.

4th Day: The higher calling. What is your calling? Why did you take your first dose of hcg? Was it the real reason? The deeper reason. Do we hope that we will have an oscar? A fashion model job? A better life, more activity, less health issues? What really motivated you?

5th Day: Job, Career or Calling? I translate this to the ideas of HCG. Why we do it. What is our true calling. I think if we ‘make up reasons’ it won’t keep us on track. We can be methodical about HCG every day. It’s a job. We have to inject our self (or do drops), we have to eat exactly 100 grams of meat, so clinical. Maybe we need that to get us through the first several days, but I don’t think it will sustain us with motivation. Then we have the career. This for me is the ‘we do it because we do it. It makes me healthy, it becomes routine. The oh drum of the day. We forget about it really. It becomes part of our skin, the shower we take, the children we feed, the house we clean. Just another day.

But the Calling. This is how we find motivation and passion. To dream. To enjoy. To revel in the diet. You think I am crazy? What have you done that really gets you to revel in the life long calling of staying healthy, looking like a sex bomb, or just enjoying your body? I find it in creating recipes. I find it in enjoying foods, really enjoying foods that I can find that won’t make me gain. I realize I LOVE good quality foods.

Confession time: I have not been so strait laced with this diet. My plan has been to simply stay on it, enjoy it, and then do the ‘last 3 weeks totally clean’ when I hit 145. I am ready to be ‘off the diet forever’ and I can’t afford to take 3 month breaks that end up gaining 30 lbs. I’m okay with this, I know this doesn’t follow Simon’s diet exactly, and I know that what he offers is the way. But I need this for my soul right now.

I made something amazing. The list my doctor gave me has Zucchini on it. I made some last night, had some tomato organic soup and 7% fat ground beef with it. OMG Yummy. Not 100% on diet, but it had the right veggies, though I was mixing. I still lost.

Now I know, even if you lose weight on this diet while cheating (I had a drinking bender at the funeral, sue me, and I still lost) but I know first hand that if you cheat, you are only cheating yourself out of stabilizing, that is why 3 weeks before I stop this diet I am going to eat as CLEAN as your Mother’s floors(at least my mom’s floors, heh)! Cheating the last 3 weeks is not a good idea because I believe 100% that it is what stops you from stabilizing. I have seen a lot of people think they can do it, and they suffer. I know from reading it takes 3 weeks for our body to be clean to help the stabilizing. I did good for p3, but then in p4 I couldn’t eat bread without gaining a ton. My husband did a CLEAN round, and he did much better then when he did a semi-cheating round. Not worth it.

Anyways, I am going to end there for today. I will continue to catch up tomorrow if possible. Happy Losing, Stabilizing or whatever you are trying to do!!

p2d18: 190.6(-16.4)

2010-09-08T21:40:00.001-07:00

Hello All, I haven’t written because I have been dealing with a death of a family friend. He knew my father for 42 years. Meaning I knew him my whole life.

Yes, his passing is sad. I hate that I didn’t see him in the last couple years. You know you get busy and you just don’t see some people as often because you know they will be there forever!! Right? Sigh.

He leaves behind his wife and two daughters who both have family and a ton of friends and assorted other family members. He is dearly missed.

We went to the memorial for him on Monday. It was very nice to remember him and his ways. The things that stick out like a big thumb.

My dear faux Uncle, wherever you might be, may your journey continue and may we see you again in another life.

***************************************************

So, I did drink at the memorial party afterwards. It was amazing, the 3 close families were there minus a father and one of my brothers. They didn’t fly in for various reason. But we had the 3 families that grew up together. To see the children that we all were grown up was amazing. We vowed to keep in touch one way or another. It was nice. I allowed myself the wine, but ate a salad with salsa for dressing. Yum actually. Still lost the next day. I guess I can go on a diet of wine? me think not! No worries.

Theme: September: Harvest Month. Reaping what we are sewing huh? There are various passages starting from the 1st of September that run and build till the 8th. Let me see: Turning over a new leaf, the work of understanding. Scrambled or Fried.

I’m going to sit down and ponder what this all means and see if I can’t make one post about the days that lead up to it.

My son goes to preschool 3 x a week so I could just take some time out to do that. I am also being herald upstairs. My son would like me to be part of bedtime tonight. mmmmm I won’t take that for granted. Like above- We never know how long we are going to live so take each moment as a moment to be cherished. Even enjoy the diet in some way. We really do have amazing foods to eat, find intersting creative ways to do it and realize this is helping us not ‘begin to live’ but allow us to live it more freely with our bodies. Don’t obsess about the numbers or the pant sizes. If you can do things you were not able to do 10 weeks ago.. That is a prize in and of it’self. We strive to be healthy and look great, but not at the expense of us being miserable. We don’t have enough days on this green earth to do that! I mean it folks. I am frustrated that I let time go by without seeing my F.Uncle and it hurts my soul a little. It will heal, but it has been a wake up call to not let those in my present life go unappreciated!!

Big hugs to all!!!

P2D10: 194.8(total 12.2)

2010-08-31T12:23:00.001-07:00

Since I do not post every day, I will just put a running total of overall weight I have lost, I think this will make it easier over all for all. heh.

Todays Theme: Accept the uncreative moments.

The quote is so amazing, and gives me what i need to hear today: “One must also accept that one has ‘uncreative’ moments. The more honestly one can accept that, the quicker these moments will pass. One must have the courage to call a halt, to feel empty and discouraged.”- Etty Hillesum.

Sometimes we hit an empty well of creativity in any part of our life. What to cook tonight, what to play, what to write, what to even think sometimes.

I had bad news this morning, nothing earth shattering, but it changes several people in my life that i care about. A death in their family, a family friend that I haven’t talked to much lately, but I still cared about. This is a very sad moment. Sometimes I find myself un able to figure out ‘how sad’ I’m allowed to be. Silly perhaps, but I can’t be the only one that thinks that.

This was the feather in the hat of already a slow start to my week. I have been a bit overwhelmed and lacking the energy to be creative over all with my life. I have several projects to work on.

I was going to work on such a project yesterday with some friends, but I found myself wanting to JUST sit down and watch mind numbing wonderful tv! I got behind on one of my shows.

Talking to my mother in law this morning I realized, she has moments when she consumes, and when she purges. I loved hearing this because it made things in my life clear. I had consumed so much information, I was done doing it. I wanted nothing more to come in. I couldn’t process any more information. I am not quite ready to purge either. I’m in that holding depot where I just want to process what I have and have a moment not to process, nor consume nor purge. We need those days, and allow them to be PART of the process so that we can move on.
What happens with our body when we push and push and push, yet it is sick? It stays in that sick gear till we can fully take care of that part, by drinking water, resting and taking care of the cold so that we can push ourselves later. I think that ‘crash’ days have to be part of our process. The refueling, the idling. The time for our bodies just to be. Sometimes we just need to look out of our window with a cup of coffee and let our thoughts direct themselves and play tennis while we watch. Be the spectator for once.

Sort of like a garden. We tilled the soil, we planted the seeds, we watered the bed well. Now we have to wait. We watch those seeds grow into plants, but do not pick them too soon or else we just have inedible leaves to eat, rather then a bounty brimming over.

This is where I am feeling at right now. Watching my seedlings grow, yet I am too impatient. Life has a way of smacking us to remind us: WATCH THE DARNED SEEDS GROW AND DRINK YOUR COFFEE IN PEACE! ENJOY IT TOO!

Gastric Bypass and HCG

2010-08-26T17:20:00.001-07:00

Curious- Does anyone have any information about how to do the diet after a Bypass? My friend lost a bunch of weight on it, but is struggling with extra skin and weight. Her doctor will do the skin surgery if she lost 50 more lbs.

I know she tried the hcg diet, but it hurt too much for her. We think it is because of the GBypass and her food. So what modifications would she need to do?

p2d5- 197.6 (-.2)

2010-08-26T14:54:00.001-07:00

So I have a post from yesterday I need to post. The thought I had wasn’t expressed clearly and I want to clean it up.

I’m a bit miffed that on day 5 I went down to a .2 loss? WTF?!? Yes, I said it! This is why I don’t like the scale. I could be doing all sorts of good stuff on the inside, which is causing me to retain water for a flush later. But no, I see a low loss.

I am also overwhelmed. I found out a good friend lost of his job of 10 years due to bs reasons. You need the job, but you are at the whim of your bosses mood. If they don’t feel you live up to their high standards, they screw your life. He is a good worker and has been so loyal, but that means nothing now a days. He has a 2nd kid coming and a mortgage. I think that put me in a slight empathetical slump. It effected me.

My kid ran into me, I think it could have been on purpose and I bit my tongue and have a headache now. :( Bad mood. I gave myself a time out to cool down.

My house is a mess, I am on the computer too much, and I don’t know what my problem is. I had a great time playing with friends last night, good mood and everything. I haven’t eaten yet today. and I am sort of going through the ‘food withdrawl’ I loved eating hot wings with celery for lunch. I miss that routine. I miss some shows that are now going on fall break. Sigh. Be careful of putting food in a routine. Especially certain types of food.

I think I am in a hormonal swing. And low weight loss for today. I was hoping the 30 lbs was going to just FLY off. We will see tomorrow.

Curious- if you do everything to the rules, does anyone possibly just not weigh themselves for several days to see bigger numbers? Do you have a ‘mon/thur/Sat weighin?’

I’m curious if that is smart. The scale does impact how I feel and I hate it. I was going to simply write it but a .2 is just not cutting it for me.

My son is watching a cake making video and the guy is saying ganache wrong. It’s outright pissing me off for some reason.

Yes, apparently I am all kinds of sensitive today. Sigh. Life is hard! I think I am going to take some time off from everything, sit in the corner and just veg. I need to eat first.

Later!

p2D3 – 200 (-3.6)

2010-08-24T10:57:00.001-07:00

Good Morning all.

So, I am going to start working from that book again.

Today’s Theme: Eye of the Beholder.

The book talks about having one hand in life, and another in a creative element so that you lid won’t pop due to lack of artistic outlet in life.

But applying it to hcg I feel that the quote she uses says everything- “The work of art which I do not make, none other will ever make” – Simone Weil.

WoW. If I don’t improve myself, no one will. We can use use all sort of ways to get ourselves to be improved. A new dress, a self help book, going out in the park and leaving it on the soccer field. I mean, there shouldn’t be one manual for us all on how to be the masterpiece we see ourselves as.

Write down on a piece of paper how you see your self as a masterpiece, write out how you envision what you do, how you look, what you wear. But then I want you to simply throw it away. Because I bet, this is a ‘perfect’ us, an idealized self. If we don’t reach it, we won’t be happy with ourselves huh?

I think we then have to go to a mirror and look at the painting we have created. Maybe it needs a little refurbishing, but even then most artists won’t throw out the actual painting, nor will they design a completely different image. They will take off the dust, the cobwebs and maybe put it in a nicer frame.

Don’t discount who you are. You are who you are. Try finding ways to describe your notorious ‘bad habits’ into fun things.

I talk a lot. No. I’m a story teller!

I worry too much, and am OC. No. I like to be organized and make sure everything has been taken care of. Though I do know I could use a little less worriness. There are unhealthy extremes. But I think the first start is recognizing the attributes we have and turning them into positives. Once we do that, we will see if we do take something a bit extreme, and renovate it to be more manageable for ourselves.

A new frame: Lose some weight (as we do with HCG), get a new out fit that makes us shine. A new scarf, handbag, jewelry. Whatever makes US shine! Not hides us. We are worth it, otherwise we wouldn’t consider going on hcg huh?

I think some of the hardest work we will ever undertake is accepting ourselves for who we actually are and not trying to becomes something other’s want us to be. Even harder- not trying to become something we THINK we should be.

Celebrate yourself! Look in the mirror every morning from here on out and say “Your worth it” and maybe one of these days you will truly believe it and not think it’s cheesy to talk to yourself! :)

Big hugs everyone! I can’t believe I stopped doing this. This is extremely cathartic.

Have a wonderful day!

btw: I am very happy that 7 lbs in 2 days are gone! that is pretty much my load weight. So we will see what the next several days holds. If I can get into my size 16 pants in a week from now, I will be flying high! :)

Day 2 p2 – Loss 3.4 lbs (203.6)

2010-08-23T14:53:00.001-07:00

Hello all,

I’m feeling very unemotional today. Which is good right? heh. I feel very matter of fact about the diet, which is good. I was a little afraid I would be all ‘OH GOD I AM HUNGRY!” or something.

I made myself a coffee and nursed that all morning, then I made spinach, fat free hotdog (kosher beef kind) and 1 egg w/ 2/3rds of the yolk taken away, for a bonding agent really. I used to eat hot dogs, Spinach and eggs when I was a kid for dinner from time to time, so it was actually ‘comfort’ food for me. :) Go figure that my 2nd day meal would be a comfort food.

I really like the Windows Live Writer to write my blogs. One click everything. Gotta like it.

I wonder if also the medication puts me in a good mood. I really feel like a cloud was lifted. You got to love the ‘burst’ of energy and the happy toons in my head! Makes for a great start. Ask me again in 15 days though how i feel. I hope the same though.

I am going to just record my weight, not get too involved in it, it will be ALL about getting into size 14 comfortably. I have a bunch of pants in that size, and I was JUST about there my last round, and now I am a comfortable size 18. SIGH. I’m a bit upset that I have to lose like 30 lbs before I can ‘start to lose’ weight again, if that makes sense. I don’t count ‘already lost that pound’ weight.

So I hope to quickly get into the 190’s because of loading weight, and since I SO EASILY went up to 200 from 170’s. I hope to get there in no time in the next couple WEEKS and not start trickling the weight by tomorrow. Hehe. ya, I don’t want much. Hence the ‘focus’ on the pant sizes.

Has anyone else noticed that with themselves. If after a round they gained a bunch quickly, that weight was quick to lose till you got back to your ‘regularly scheduled program’??

Thanks folks for your well wishes! It is always nice to have a team on your side! :)

Have a good one!

Day 1 of round 5?

2010-08-22T12:00:00.001-07:00

Hello All,

I’m now into my HCG round. I’m doing HHCG. We will see how it works. I’m always nervous at the start if the medication works. Hehe. Was this batch bad or something. Will I STARVE and all that weight gained through loading STICK!

I am starting the round at 207 (sigh from being at 273 LDW) and we will go all the way, till I putter out! :) I realize I get different mentality on food when I am on hcg that I wish would move over to when I am not in HCG. It is just food, I don’t have to think about it if I have the fridge stocked and outside things like reading, writing or other things will have to bring me the joy that fatty foods bring me. Go figure.

Well, we are off to the zoo with our kid. I enjoy the zoo, we have a season pass that lets us go to the zoo for the yearly fee that we pay once. :) Yeay!

I ate some food, will bring an apple, so I shouldn’t be too overwhelmed. We were so busy yesterday we forgot to buy p2 type foods. Sigh. I’m feeling never prepared enough. But I will get through this.

I am going to try to start up the daily posting with my personal insight from the journal I was doing earlier. I can’t believe I didn’t follow through with it, but I was busy eating instead of writing. :P

Almost there

2010-08-13T23:29:00.001-07:00

So I have been sitting at 198 for a couple days, though I have done good with food. Sigh! heh.

I was hoping for a bigger pay off, but i have been walking and it has been nice!

I want to be totally mentally ready for the diet, but in the end I think I am ready to LOOSE the weight. My pants think so too. They are tired of carrying around my fat behind, so they refuse to fit! Silly Pants!

I hate that part. I got rid of a lot of pants that I WOULD NEVER need again right? Ya, didn’t happen like I planned. I also wasn’t expecting to take such a long break. But it was good. So long break! Farewell! I loved you so!

Yes, I am a bit high off coffee right now. I got a new coffee maker RIGHT BEFORE I go on the diet and won’t drink coffee because it has no milk! SIGH!

I might do some non-fat dairy up to the 26 days before I quite. I think i want to do a full 40 day round. It would be good for me. We will see how I feel at the end.

Personally folks: A 100 day round was SO MUCH EASIER! I wish I just stuck out the full 150 lbs. The thing is, food is addictive, and when you live long enough with out it, you sort of forget how good it is, unfortunately we got every couple months to remind us and that, I think, makes the diet harder. But at the same time, I think if you do short rounds to help some pounds go off, it can be nice, especially when you get close to your target weight.

I have done 2 days of walking. Tomorrow will be my 3rd day of Couch to 5k program. 3 times a week I will walk. It is a jogging program, but I just pump my arms and walk faster. I wonder if onlookers think I am weird that i casually walk then all of a sudden BOOM! :) I do and don’t really care really.

I find it funny, that the moment I do start the program our weather has turned to 90 degree’s making it more sweaty and hotter out there to really exercise! :P blech. I will look forward to walking in rain, though hot weather does burn more calories.

question: Does anyone know how to possibly create a ‘steam room’ in a bathroom and not destroy the wall and create a mold problem? I was thinking of putting plastic tarp covering my shower and only the tile bits. So I can contain it. I could do it, but don’t want to make holes in the wall. I could make a ‘frame’ since we have a sliding glass doors for our shower. Hmmmm. Might play with that. Makes the area smaller as well.

I hope all you guys are doing well! It’s been busy at the house. I have a lot of new fabrics I have been turning into bags. :D I LOVE MAKING BAGS! I hope I can sell some of these on etsy though. We will see! BIG HUGS ALL!

2 weeks and counting

2010-08-10T14:19:00.001-07:00

Hey folks. I am trying a Windows Live Writer to see if this works, plus to let you know that I am in the works to start HCG in 2 weeks. Less now, but 2 Friday's from now.

I went up to 204, but now I am sitting at 198 since doing the ‘right thing’. I don’t do the right thing often with food, and I forgot how much fun real meals with flavor can be. I made a chicken dish with peppers, tomatoes and corn. AWESOME! Corn and Carrots are a no-no apperently but honeslty they are better than chips, or corn dog, so I am not going to worry about it unless I have something better to eat. :)

I am trying to eat eggs in the morning and switch between steak and chicken.

Okay, I’m going to see if this posts works through this program now. :)

Lazy Days

2010-07-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hey Folks!

Thanks for all the feedback!! I am back and forth. I'm not in the mode for commitment right now. I'm in a lousy mood too. TOM I love you so. :P heh. Just a lot of stressers going on in my life.

I think I am going to concider going to a therapist at some point. I want to find out the financial obligation to it though. I know I have a lot of anxiety if I put in too much into my life, but to most people that is a 'normal' load. I like to stay home. I like to not leave the house, I honestly hate going to places that create social obligations like "Your son is part of a soccer team, so if he doesn't participate he will look like a freak" At least that is how I feel. My kid is a free focused child I realize. If he wants to run the white lines of the soccer field, he should be able to do that, but I want him to participate because I dont want others to look at my kid weird, but what he is doing is not weird to me!

I just can't 'not do it' or 'feel obligated'. It doesn't work that way for me right now. heh. I can't simple turn off something that is so ingrained in me.

Folks. I think we all have some issues that can't simply be turned on/off for the benefit of others. I think we are who we are because of our birth, our life style and how people have treated us, a strong force like parents or possibly teachers and friends. It sticks.

I talk a LOT. I do. I love talking alot. I Love sharing. I feel I have something to say, unfortunately I realize that the more I talk, the less my words have power. It's always those people who keep their mouth shut and make 1 keen observation in a group that everyone seems to listen to. THey do not seem to talk just to be heard. I don't normally do that, but at the same time I explode with a crap load of stuff.

I also feel like I can change anything, so I want to go to a therapist who I can PAY to listen to me talk while we figure out what tools will work best for me. I also want someone to call BULL SHIT on me. I think sometimes I talk my real issues away. I actually did that with a councilor. I would talk about THAT THING WAYYYY OVER THERE so no one would notice the real problems I have. Who wants to deal with the real stuff that is painful?

I love eating. I love putting good tasting food in my mouth. I don't like eating just to eat. I love flavor, I LOVE the feeling I get when I eat quality things. Maybe it be a ripe golden tomato I ate on Thursday at a farm, or the 25 cent ice cream sandwich. Some of the lesser quality items bring me joy.
I know I still out of revenge and stress. I have seen that lately. If the scale doesn't go down I eat something bad to say "SEE! This is what I should eat to gain!!! DARN YOU!" LOL.. who is that really helping? hmmmmmm. No one not even me.

I know what I need to do. I'm not mentally ready for the p2 diet, but I am physically ready. I want my body smaller, but that desire does not over ride my mood. That is why I really want to focus on trying to lose a little while I still eat. I don't want to feel deprived right now. I hate, most in the world feeling left out- hence feeling deprived.
That has to speak at a primal level huh? Humans don't like to feel deprived. This must go back to famine. I mean, if we don't get enough to eat, we freak out. We horde because we want to survive, and I think in the land of the plenty we raise that bar. So we feel we somehow deserve to feel good. I realize that If I am going to gain! I want to indulge and feel good. I hate the word 'entitled' or 'deserve'. I feel that is indulgent and gluttonous. I think these are bad words.
Though I don't feel I am intitled to be thin... I don't know if I feel like I 'deserve' to be thin. Oh.! Work ethic. You don't deserve anything. You simply work for it. You should aquire it if you have WORKED for it.
So will simply aquire thin if I put the work into it. I don't just 'deserve' it. But that is the thing though- I don't like working for nothing. I want someone to benefit from it. May it be charity work that helps another human get ahead in their life, or for me to drop lbs if I work at it.

I want to feel like I can sit down after a hards day work because I am simply DONE with my work. Though If I sit too long then I am wasting time. GOD THIS is theraputic. See. I need to simply need a way to talk to work through problems. My therapist of old was very critical of me 'talking my problems out' but if you give me enough time to WORK THROUGH IT I can figure it out. I think we all can use our tricks and methods to work things out.

What I don't like is too lengthy of posts. So I am going to stop there for a while, and think about it. then continue those main points later. I need to 'talk it out' because keeping it in (thinking) doesn't work for me.

Good Advice on lazy ears

2010-07-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I'm so appreciative of you all taking the time to respond and give me some great feedback. What hit me the most was 'if you are ready'.... I'm not totally ready.

Honestly- I have LOVED eating normal. I had LONG rounds so I have that still in my mind. I don't know what 'short' rounds feel like. LOL. So commiting only 30-40 days shouldn't be bad, plus I get something out of it. - to fit back into pants!

Life has been up and down. I'm putting any decision on hold till after my TOM. I'm not good with decisions when I am having a mass of hormones running around making me grumpy. :(

I was thinking till I make a choice, I am going to use the p2 light. There is this woman that does a great diet book that looks and smells a LOT like p2/p3 type diet w/o the hormones. Not the 500 calories, just the type of foods you eat, you have low carb days (you still eat certain types of veggies).
I will think of the name of the book. I just feel it's a good book to follow if you want to lose some extra pounds w/o going on p2.

Another day another thing

2010-07-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hey All,

A quick hello, I do not want to fall off the radar. I will try to post something today. I came home from going out to dinner and I ATE TOO MUCH! Yes, it was veggies, but our stomach doesn't have unlimited room for that!

I'm going through TOM and i swear I gain 400 lbs just looking at salt. :P

Is it unreasonable to want to lose all my post diet weight before I go back on the diet? I find that silly yet ok. The idea of RE-lossing the weight drives me nuts, but I am not seeming to be able to lower the scale- is that a TOM thing?

I need the help of my fellow HCG'ers on this! How can I start to dump this weight? OKay, I have the answers, Eat right! lol, Exercise! lol. ya ya ya.

I am finding it easier to gain right now. I didn't do a good job.

Folks- if you think it's okay to cheat, even on some non fat cheese during the diet YOUR WRONG! I can't wait to get on the diet and do it right! I am SO not going to cheat. I didn't think of it as a 'cheat'. Cheating is candy bars and bread right? WRONG! Cheating is evening finding 'acceptable' changes too. Just stick with the diet and you will be happy with the end results. My husband finds it hard to stablize too. He did some cheating this last round as well.

I wonder if I am just shooting myself in the foot by trying to lose all the weight I gained. Maybe just do a round right, then deal with it.

Okay, okay. To tell you how bad 'okay' cheats are: I gained 20 freaking lbs in a couple months. OUTCH! It is too fast to gain. I'm not indulging too much on 'bad' foods. I do okay if I do some p3 stuff. I do actually really well. I"m in the middle of tom and pudged up! I hate that my pants don't feel right. anywho.

Thoughts, advice, ideas! :)

Hello from the dark side!

2010-07-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Folks,

My life is going. I am going to work on getting back on the posting horse.

Honestly a couple things: I got lulled into eating instead of posting. I think that is why I gained a HUGE amount of weight. I'm doing the whole 'I want to lose the extra weight I gained before I diet again" :P well, at least I can eat normal food right? Old habits die hard, and it would be great to post.

My computer also died and so I have had to use my husbands computer for a while till I set something up. :P I hate laptop keyboards.

I got lazy, I got tired, I started going to bed earlier and getting up and going off. I know i had moments to post, and honestly, I realized those moments were me sitting on the couch eating or resting. :P heh.

I am so going to post later, for I am 8 minutes past the bed time. My son has an EARLY summer school program. Up too early for me personaly.

Talk more later. I promise not to let this page get too moldy or dusty! I love talking, I love exploring, and I feel blogging and share,and getting feedback was so healthy, plus that thought a day book was awesome. I learned a lot about myself and my diet.

Being off the diet has taught me a lot too about my old habits and how they die hard, or rather- refuse to die. I guess we are all there.

Anywho! Talk more later before I make it 10 min past my bedtime! Hugs to all!!!!!

R4P3: Day 8

2010-06-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

Weight: 175.4 lbs
LDW: 173.8

I was down to 174.2, went up yesterday to 176, then down to 175.2

I have TOM, then monday I started a head cold, taking Umka and cleaning my nose with the netti pot. I have to say, I have a more productive nasal passage. Heh. I'm plugging along and trying to figure things out for myself. Thinking of things that are important to me and how I want to make sure to keep the weight off for life and not rely on hcg or anything else as a misplaced crutch.

We are not perfect and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be. So the worse thing we can do is make a mistake and then beat ourselves up over it. Enjoy every morsel of food we put in our mouth, and if we make a mistake, then instead of hitting the ice cream, just find a balance food to eat to weigh it out. And if we enjoy that glass of wine or scoop of ice cream we won't feel so horrible. Nothing worse than eating something and feeling bad while eating it. Then why bother eating it.

I believe in planned cheats. I'm going to enjoy a scoop of naughty ice cream tonight and I am going to savor every bit of it. In fact I'm going to be the healthiest ice cream I can that is top quality because I don't get a lot, so it better be full of taste and not processed. Then it's a little less of a cheat, you enjoy more of it even if there is less mass. Also if you plan it, your less apt to go out and just cheat because you have something else to look forward to that is top notch quality. Instead of giving into your friends bar of crap chocolate, you have HIGH Quality stuff waiting at home for you to enjoy tonight. Sit in a corner and just savor the food. Don't try to eat it in 20 seconds flat. Don't try to be disrupted with talk or tv. We are feeding our soul and it becomes less about binging and feeling like crap and more about taking a moment out to enjoy the finer foods in life.

I haven't really enjoyed ice cream lately. I LOVE ice cream. I also love chocolate. So I have allowed myself 1 square of chocolate every once in a while. I bite off a piece of 72% Twilight chocolate by Ghirardelli. I am not sure if they are a eco-friendly chocolate company so I might switch chocolates, but this is a good brand of chocolate. I let the chocolate melt in my mouth and just sit and savor. I feel renewed afterwards instead of crappy.

Find a food you love and would normally cheat on. Find a serving size. maybe 2 tablespoons. Then sit and REALLY enjoy it. Let it fill your soul. I want to be realistic that we can't allow these foods to leave our lives because we might jump into a vat of it the next time we see it. Some foods you might have to get away from for health reasons. But those foods that you love. Make it a planned enjoyed thing that you can temper and look forward to. Not be controlled by!!!

What is your favorite naughty treat? And how do you plan to enjoy it with out it controlling you?

R4P3: Day 5

2010-05-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

Weight: 174.2 lbs
LDW: 173.8

Yesterday down to 174

I feel good. I'm going to think about an egg day. I boiled a bunch of eggs, and we have a ton more. :) I am making sure to get my water in. 2nd day was a bit hard w/ my schedule for some reason.

I am going to try to post earlier in the day, my evenings are either busy or early to bed. Okay 'semi' early. hehe

So I am taking various things from the last couple days from the book.
Winston Churhill: We shape our dwellings, and afterwords our dwellings shape us.
Thoughts from the book: You would be surprised by how much you already own that is simply waiting to be reconsidered, rearranged, refinished. Decorating shouldn't be about a room looking like a magazine, as much as how you FEEL in the room.

I think we shape ourselves to be what we want to be, if we are lucky. I think sometimes we try too hard to be what our mother wants, our mother in law wants, maybe even our gal friends want. We go to that restaurant we don't want to eat at, we do activities we are forced to, and engage our children in habits we didn't approve of. But now is the time to change that. We took the first step with hcg to take control of our life. We said no to restaurants, we said no to an extra helping of beef, we said no to that delightful dessert. I hope. I think we have everything we need to take care of ourselves inside of us. I think that we have collected so much stuff and now it's time to purge those that we no longer want with our weight, and shine and dust off those things we actually like, but are afraid of sharing.
I know I keep my mouth shut about a lot of stuff I am proud of internally because of fear of criticism. But I want to live in my surroundings the way I want to.

I am a gamer. I role play Dungeons and Dragons and various other games. Yes, it is a game, I know that. I have an active life of quilting, feeding my family and taking care of the house, plus I game. I'm a girl gamer. I used to hide this from others because it was concidered weird, but I always had to go upstairs and into a bookcase to get a book I would enjoy reading, then put it back. Now it is where I actually use them more. They are on my bookcase downstairs. People who come in my house can see them, and they need to deal with it.

I don't want to cover up the authentic self because I don't want to lose myself in other peoples expectations. Though it is hard because I HATE offending people. I'm always afraid that my hobbies, personality and spiritual ideas conflict with someone and I don't want to make them feel comfortable. Though I realize, most of the time, many people I run into have no fear of expressing many of their beliefs at the expense of others, because of this self confidence in their belief. I don't know. I'm all over the place with this concept.

I realize this is something I need to work through because I have a kid. He is 3 years old and he is growing up in my home. He will see the 'true me' and what I think about things, how I believe about things and stuff I do. He knows I like people to clean up after themselves. He knows that I game, and loves to play with my little miniature monsters, and he knows that I stress about getting the right colors on a quilt together. These are things he will grow up with, part of his soul. He can 'expose' me because he wont know it's 'strange' to some what I do. I'm waiting for the day that he tells his teacher "I played an elf this weekend and captured orcs!" SIGH. hehe.

We need to go on an excavation of the soul/body/mind as we lose this weight more amazing things underneath will be exposed. Throw out the junk and keep the gems!!

R4P3: Day 3

2010-05-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

Weight: 175.2 lbs
LDW: 173.8

I ate bacon, cheese and didn't get enough water. I hope I can correct this big upswing. I gained some on day 1 as well. Could have been too fatty of the hot wings? No clue.

Any way to correct this without having to do a steak or egg day? Can exercise take off the pounds? Since I am not 'stablized' I should be able to lose this weight as easily as I gained it by doing the right thing huh?

Sorry I didn't post last night. My friend came over, we watched tv, then I went to bed after he left so we could get our kid to sleep faster. anywho.

Today's Theme: Steffi's Theme: Do it for the right reasons!

So I found myself wanting to be back on HCG. It just seems so much simplier to take a medication, eat 500 calories comprised of particular types of food and day dream that it was obviously not our fault if we have a gain! Which in all honestly- lets face it, if we do the right thing that has been well written out for us, it really isn't our own fault! It is pms, tom, water weight, reshifting of weight, and a whole slew of things. We know that in a couple days we should lose this weight. We have comfort in that little hole. At least I do.

I am jonzing to get back onto hcg because it's my comfort. I think that is a great reason not to do long rounds like I did. Yes I am 110 lbs lighter pretty fast, yeay me! But I'm scared. I have fear.

Are we doing what we are doing for the right reason? Are we focusing too much on the numbers because I know I haven't grown in a size. My pants fit though I gained. But I want to go down, but feel like I have no map. I ate the right things. I actually didn't over eat. No Tummy ache. I know we can process lots of fat, but I think I might have eaten too much fat.

There is a safety net in saying "In 2 weeks I'm back on the diet" because if you gain some, you know that in minus 2 weeks you will be okay. But you know what. I went on vacation and I only gained like 3 lbs not worrying about my weight since I didn't have a scale. I just ate what was cooked, drank some yummy goodness, took some walks and had fun. (I think it was the walking that helped. I REALLY walked a lot because it was an option in Mexico and it was perfect weather)

It's cold here for a May. I want the weather to change. My husband has been working over time a lot and gets home late so I am feeling a bit lazy. I'm focusing on computer stuff, and a quilt I am wanting to sew together (I got a charm pack) and that doesn't involve much movement. I still have a couple months left on my gym membership. Maybe I will just go in there during my son's preschool and do some toning. That should help.

This was a bit of a vent, and soap boxing. I think an open ended p3/p4 round this time is a bit scary for me. It holds me accountable and makes me figure out what is before me and won't let me hide in p2 for a while. I am going to work through this! We need to work through our fears and over come them. I love the support we are giving each other here!

I am going to go look into the egg day just in case. I can't go a whole day w/o eating because of blood sugar issues, but I sure can eat a bunch of eggs! One of my favorite foods!! :)

Take care everyone!

R4P3: Day 1

2010-05-26T22:37:00.000-07:00

Weight: 171.4 lbs
LDW: 173.8

Today was a good day, but I woke up WAY earlier than I expected. My son is a little under the weather and couldn't get back to sleep, We took a long nap. It was nice.

I had an omelet with some tomatoes and lots of spices. Some hot wings (couldn't eat much of them. Had a sliced apple with cheese for dinner. I just had some more hot wings to get my protein. lol. I will have another apple tonight I think OR my hubby will make me a strawberry smoothy w/ full fat milk. Mmmmmm.

I did have the cheese 'run through' me for the first day, so I am going to be more careful with it.

Tonight's Theme: Let Passion Be Your Decorator

Words to think: Achieving authentic harmony through our surroundings. Revising: Make work what doesn't work.Always revealing another aspect of our perspective as we discover it. Trust your instincts. A magnum opus can take a lifetime to create.

If we realize it or not. We show our selves in everything we do, say and show. We can't help it. We either are the authentic self, or the self deceptive self. We are our motivations, our passions. I think when we go to the store and pick something up, be it a pair of shoes, or scarf, we are showing the world "I'm dependable, I'm sensible, I'm inspired" I mean, every time I see a woman detective on tv run around in heals I go. "If that was me, I would put on some REAL shoes!" I think we acheive harmony if we get the things that we want. If that means conservative because that is how we feel, then so be it. I am someone who doesn't like too flashy of a print on my pants or shirt. I enjoy a nice black or tan slack with some single color shirt for the most part. I also enjoy one color jersey work out type shirts to lounge in. I am someone who likes comfort and not be too flashy. I just don't enjoy animal prints nor swirls nor polka dots! But that shouldn't stop the next person from celebrating and reveling in it.

I think we need to have a blue print for what we want our lives to look like. Now that you have that binder full of happy thoughts and what we want to 'be' in the future, it's not enough. Now we need to figure out how to put it in action. What can we do? Buy this cereal? Empty that cabinet of that crap food? Find a healthier alternative to that food? Buy those sexy running shorts and sneakers so we actually go outside and run? We need a plan of action.

Once we have that plan of action, we need to be willing to revise it!! This is the part I think I stumble on. I am going to write a cookbook. I get too overwhelmed by it. What if its not perfect. I have to figure it ALL out before I write it. I have a laundry list of recipes I do have, and ones that I made up that I want to make. But I want the book layout already figured out before I have actually tested the stuff?!? What the heck! No! I told my husband today: I am going to, now that I am on p3 and not restricted to 200g of meat a day (hehe), work on these recipes and let the other things come when they are needed. No forworring. We need to allow ourselves the ability to say "Crap, this path is a dead end, instead of boldering through to the other side I'm going to turn around and revise my map of action"

This plays into the fact that new adventures and obstacles (or as my old boss used to say "Opportunity to succeed!) show up. Maybe we find out we really don't like the chocolate brown pants? Maybe we realize, wow, orange does look good on me! Regardless of what my mom says. I do like eating this new type of veggie, or wow that alt bread is gross! Or maybe we can't deal with the vast amounts of passion we expected of ourselves, instead of tempering and stretching it out? We need to be allowed to revise our plan, as long as we move somehow forward, sometimes you have to put the car in reverse before we can move forward.

I love the line " A magnum opus can take a lifetime to create." We will never be done, at least I hope we won't, with our 'perfect' self EVER! New ideas pop into our minds, we grow older and hopefully wiser. We find out that sometimes it's okay not to learn to play that instrument because I would rather spend my time learning to knit. I don't knit. I find no enjoyment in this art because I can't do it. I can't do cross stitch either. But I have come to terms with these things and spend my time in things I can do well. Quilting, crocheting and sewing. I enjoy them because I seem to move forward when I learn them. It's not something I feel I am always at square 1 with. It's finding these talents and skills we can spend our time on rather then waste our time in the hamster wheel.

I'm glad I was able to pull something from tonight's journal. :) It seemed very bleak at the start because it was very physical redecorate your room sort of writing at the start. LOL This is a great book for anyone who wants to change their physical space a bit and get all cozy. It's a lovely read.

Take care everyone! Consider yourself hugged!

R4P2: Into my 2nd 24hours

2010-05-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

Weight: 172.2 lbs
Loss Today: 1.6
Total Loss: 14
Total over all: 111.6

LDW: 173.8 (I got some room to 'play')

So I want to see if I can lose weight naturally, but at the same time I just want to do this whole round right. So we will see, tomorrow I am slowly introducing foods because of the hhcg I can do 2 days instead of 3 days. (48 vs 72 hours)

My son had a parent tea, it was nice, but my son was tired, he didn't sleep well last night. Poor thing. Kept us most of the night awake, so I'm amazed that I lost anything.

I will continue to take some potassium for a bit. I didn't realize I was taking pretty much 1/2 of what I should. The potassium bottles are confusing to me. Too many choices.

I'm feeling otherwise really well. I feel I look good. I was able to get into a pair of size 14 black slacks. I like slacks, but have limited myself to 1 pair of jeans at each phase. My husband wondered who that skinny woman was that picked up his son, then as I turned around it was me! :) hehe.

Tonight's Theme: Passion: the Authentic Muse

Words to chew on: There goes life, and not with a bang, but a whimper and a whine. sacred fire burns within. If we do not express outward passion, we will experiance self-immolation- the spontaneous combustion of our soul.

This one hit me like a ton of bricks. I love passion. I love BEING passionate. I LOVE feeling passion and expression. I love crying at tv shows, kids books with sweet endings and commercials that touch the soul, even if they sell dog food to an old dog. I love writing with passion, I love getting passionate about a product, or an idea. But the one thing I don't seem to get passionate about, or at least forget most of the time is to be passionate about me and my current state of being. I am in a cocoon waiting to be 120 lbs to emerge and wear the sexy clothes and be free. I am free now. I am sexy NOW!

I sometimes find the passion in p2 and going into the kitchen to whip up something creatively. I LOVE that. I love having my parents over and 'showing off' my newly formed dish. I love sharing new found information, nothing should be kept. I think that information is power, and power should be given to everyone!

Many people have tagged me negatively as 'emotional' which is just another word for passionate. I have tried so many years to temper that, but one day I realized, it is them who is sort of sad. To not feel as strongly as me. That is what feelings are about huh? To feel them?

We need to find passion in every phase we are in, regardless if it's the fact that tomorrow night I will sit here with a cut apple and a happy amount of peanut butter, or finding that strawberries and salad make an awesome match for p2! If it's the passion of waking up to step onto a balanced scale, losing weight or making it into those pants we have held our breath for, literally and figuratively. :)

What makes you wake up in the morning? What makes you passionate? And do you make it part of your day, rather then the occasional indulgence? Passion is not like fine chocolate to be only enjoyed sparingly, and only once in a while! (though I hear some great reports about dark chocolate and to make it a nightly habit with a small square piece! WOOT!)

Have a wonderful night everyone!

R4P2: Day 15

2010-05-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

Weight: 173.8 lbs
Loss Today: 0
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 110

No gain, no Loss. I don't remember what I said about that, if it was a sign to stop. At least I didn't get a big loss to tempt to stay on. I have decided to stop this round. With the fact that I only took a 10 day break between these two rounds seem to make it okay to stop at day 15.

I do not consider myself weak or just wanting food. I'm listening to my body and it says STOP! I was letting my mind get in the way, over think it, and then worry about what everyone else will think. SCREW IT! I don't have time to make everyone happy. hehe. Your on your own about that! ;)

I will continue to blog. I'm curious- if anyone answers I will take it into consideration: Do you want me to continue to blog about hcg w/ these themes? Or do you want me to also take p3/p4 (whatever phase I am in) to cloud my thoughts? Though I think most of the blogs lately have just been about the adventure of weight loss, and we have included p3/p4 as a part of that really right? anywho. Sigh. I'm over thinking aren't I?

Tonight's Theme: The Fullness of Nothing

In my face words: Never assume that the people in your life, especially those closest to you, won't innocently meddle in your internal affairs while you're on the path to authenticity. empty space or 'shroud' of the unknown. empty space pregnant with possibilities.

While we are on the path of losing weight, and becoming the thin folk that we are becoming, I think there is a lot of input from the peanut crowd. Sometimes we like it, but other times it's just irritating like a little tiny fly in the ear. I most realize this with other people and your kid. Leave me alone, I know what I am doing to my kid and I will pay the shrinks bills if I mess him up! ;) I think the only way for us to be authentic is to take in the words of others, but then to spit them out if we don't find ourselves mirroring them. Dump it! I think it is okay to internalize what someone says, but honestly, if it's garbage, throw it out and don't worry about it. If you know something is garbage we don't wonder "Should that have gone away?" otherwise there might be a hint of truth in it, and we should wonder why it bothers us? But that is another thing for another time.

The journal talked a lot about negative space. Like a bare table. It holds your negative space. Designers and artists know this one. Sometimes I wonder if people have to fill up everything with anything to feel full. But then you have no clarity. I think the same thing goes for weight loss, mentality and schedules. We need 'empty' space to allow ourselves to think, to come up with new ideas, and to take a breather. We need to allow for that 3 hour block to stay empty so we can use it ourselves. (personally- we always filled up our calendars if we didn't put something in them. Of course I am free on Tues at 3pm, though I really just wanted to stay home and clean a little. I now put in 'putter off time' or 'me and hubby sit on our butts day' so that i can't fill it up and can tell people "yup, busy" )

I think we need that negative space to fill up our minds from time to time so we can just go crazy and do free thinking. Like with our kids. I have taken a serious notion that my kid will not be overbooked, really just booked into anything. I might sign him up for a preschool a couple times a week, and maybe 1 activity that seems fun to mingle, but nothing like I see other mothers doing. Not only are they going crazy with all the travel. I truly feel that kids, along with any other human, needs 'putter off time'. They need to do whatever they feel like it w/o rules for a little while. Unstructured time. Especially during p2, I think we need time to sit and think about what we are doing, and just let the mind wander. Or just sit and stare at a blank wall to allow our thoughts to unravel onto the floor.

What mental shelf are you willing to clean clear today?

R4P2: Day 14

2010-05-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

Weight: 173.8 lbs
Loss Today: -.8
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 110

I'm hoping that the woozieness is a potassium issue, though I have been taking some. Maybe the wrong kind? Anyways. I'm tired tonight. It was a long day of hanging out with some friends, my son meeting a little girl and having a TON of fun! My husband had to work today so it was hard to be without him. He is doing a lot of overtime because work has a deadline and a lot of work to finish. Money! heh. But there will come a time that he will be done w/ the overtime! Since I really want his time more than the money!

Tonight's Theme: Nurturing Your Authentic Flair.

Words to chew on: Our real life budget may delay the process longer than our conscious minds might wish. transformation not without transition. sleepwalking to awakening. Extraordinary gift of time- time to know what you love.

Real life goes by one day at a time. It is eternally ticking away from us. But this is also frustrating when we see an end. Our goal weight. Only 50 more lbs away, especially after losing 110lbs looks very close. You might have 7 lbs to go, but feels like a life time. Reading someone's blog (almost caught up) I'm made aware of another person's struggle of what I go through- the constant little losses, a sudden small gain, then a big loss. Rinse and Repeat. It makes us feel like we are getting no where fast, though one day we wake up and we are almost there.

I can be focused on the numbers, I can play the numbers all day long. If I only lose X amount in Y amount of time. But I am realizing we are so focused on the numbers we forget that we have a destination to prepare for. We are transforming into new people, healthier people, thinner people. Happier people? We should not sleep walk through this phase focused on numbers and inches. We should lift our heads up and figure out what we want that destination to look like?

I read in tonights journal that to reimagine the house, or get it to what we want, we should create a book, a binder of sorts and start collecting samples of what we want, a picture out of a magazine, and such. I think we could do this as well. Not just put in magazines of dresses, but of how we envision our life. People doing yoga? Riding a bike? Marathon pictures? Maybe we see a picture of a picture perfect family eating watermelon and sipping water with wedges of lemon? Anything that sparks how we might want to live and then try to realize these things in our life. We will never be 'picture perfect' and I do not advocate it, but find our Authentic Self within that picture. Find a yoga class perhaps. Buy the healthy foods. But with a road map, and a mental reminder of what we want will make it true.

I used to totally suck at hitting a ball when I was playing fast pitch as a teenager. Then I got a coach that told me to sit, close my eyes and while waiting in the dugout for my turn, envision myself hitting the ball. You know what- I did hit the ball A LOT more!!

It is our turn to take control of our healthy lifestyle and find things WE want in our lives before we just sleepwalk our way back up 10, 20, or 50 lbs.

quick update: Need input and help from others

2010-05-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

So I have had to deal with some dizzy/woozie issues every time I make a semi-rapid move. I have noticed that just getting up is causing some woozieness.

So question: I did a 36 day round, took a 14 day break, and now I am on day 14. Can I stop and go into p3(after the 72 hours) right now??

I am going to take a full p3/p4 break. I might not start till about August so I can let my body settle down.

My husband and I did the math. I have done 211 days of hcg since August and I think my body is DONE! I read something about a constant high fat diet on the liver. We have done that with hcg through our body fat (Does it get processed by the liver though?)

So please let me know something, anything you would about this situation. I'm ready to stop tomorrow if I have to!!

Thanks!

R4P2: Day 13

2010-05-22T23:36:00.000-07:00

Weight: 174.6 lbs
Total Loss: 11.6
Total over all: 109.2

A little loss today but I will take it any day over standing still or gaining! :) heh. I'm pretty tired tonight. Wasn't such a long day though, but I had fun hanging out with some friends and seeing the inlaws newly painted trailer afterwards. Pretty spiffy!

Tonight's Theme: The home of your Dreams

Notable sayings: House shelters Daydreams, Take what you want, but prepare to pay for it, dreams extract a price, Dreams cost money, sweat, frustration, tears, courage, choices, perseverance and extraordinary patience and LOVE. I dwell in possibility, The home of your dreams dwells within, find it in the secret sanctuary of your heart today before you can cross the threshold of tomorrow!

Our home, our temple is our body. We will live in our body till we die. We have lost fat not only because we were dying of unhealthy habits, but I bet we all can say that we didn't like what we saw in the mirror. It made us unhappy. We might even have been able to separate ourselves from the fat, and realize that our 'fat suit' made us look less then desirable to ourselves. There are those that try to love the fat and live with it, but I feel that the fat is NOT us and it's unhealthy. But we need to love ourselves inside, under the fat. Because once we are thin, it would be pretty shallow to love yourself just because you look fabulous in that tight butt of yours! What if we did that to someone else? Wouldn't we call someone shallow if they came up to us and said "I NOW want to love you and hang out with you!"

Make your body the home of your dreams. We are under construction while we take off the lbs, but once we are ready for wallpaper, we should find ways to accent the body. What do we do with a part of the house that is hideous? We don't simply cover it up, we move away stuff, find furniture or a lamp to brighten it.

I hate my thighs. Right now they have become saggy. They are the worse part of my body, but I will tell you right now. I look awesome when I stuff those sausage thighs into a pair of pants! It shapes me and gives me some hip action. :)

We need to accept our flaws, love ourselves and let that be an opportunity for a challenge. To liven ourselves to find an amazing outfit that sparkles on us! I bet some of us are having to buy whole new wardrobes because of the change. I know that I need to start focusing on enjoying my body and finding wallpapers and paint that make me excited! Before, when I was size 24, I just bought what fit decent enough, but now I want to shine.

We cared enough about ourselves to follow through on this diet and motor ourselves down the track of health. We need to follow through and realize that we need to expand that love to continue throughout our life. By the things we eat, but also by the things we wear. You don't have to show off a lot of skin, but find colors, styles and cuts that flatter your body type/shape. As we focus on doing good by our bodies, we should focus on also doing good by our soul and mind.

What do you love about yourself? What do you hate about yourself? What can you do to change it or turn it into a flattering feature? Try this: Lets say your in an interview, we are never allowed to say mean or bad things about ourselves. When they say "What do you like least" Find what you do find that you like least but turn it into a way that still shines it!

Lets get creative! I'm curious what you guys have to share! :)

R4P2: Day 12

2010-05-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

Weight: 175 lbs
Total Loss: 11.2
Total over all: 108.8

Evening! Feeling good about a .8 loss. I have been a little light headed, but TOM is coming! :P I hope that is the cause of the occasional wooziness. I did my hhcg drops wrong and tilted them too much, well, making it go up and down gives me smaller drops, and I notice less hunger over all. So keep an eye on how you do drops. I hate shots so much, but I like that it never really goes over or under every day. You get the right amount huh?

Tonight's Theme: A Nest of Comfort.

Things that jumped at me: cozy nests of comfort, the essential spiritual grace our home should posses is the solace of comfort. authenticity, comfort to cradle the body and soul.

This idea of making a physical space in your place to create a nest of comfort. I think, instantly, FOOD! That is what seemed to get us into this mess in the first place right? We don't eat bad foods because we hate it or makes us uncomfortable. They are called comfort foods for a reason. I think we should try to focus on finding comfort space instead. What are things you like, what are habits you see others doing that bring you comfort.

We need to change our comfort foods if we are to stay at a healthy weight and not get us into trouble in the long run. I realized, in p3 I had to eat differently and I had come to the realization I really like peanut butter (non sugar) and apples. I even ate it as a lunch it was so yummy. Normally I would grab a p4 thing which would make me gain weight, but I found renewed happiness in this new item. But I think I need to go one step further than this, I think we all do- we go to comfort food because we are unsettled.

I think we should make a space in our home for that. A comfy chair, a new tea pot, something that makes US feel special and gives us the ability to move away from foods and use time and place as a comfort. If we could just move ourselves to our bedroom and snuggle up with a favorite comforter while looking at an amazing painting/poster/picture that somehow inspires us. That would be our bite of macaroni or tub of ice cream. We should delight in food, but NOT use it as comfort. Not lean on it as a crutch to get us through a hard time, we should have a space to do this. Go there and maybe pick up a photo album of all the happy things.

OH! Take a 3 ring binder and put 100 of those plastic sheets in it, and start filling it up with personal sayings, pictures of family that makes us happy, of paintings, or anything. Pressed flowers, tickets to a great musical. Anything that can help us get us through our moment. Maybe the 1st page should be of a picture that gives us hope, inspiration and motivation to pull us out of the dark and realize, this is our food.

This will give our souls the nourishment that no ice cream or pretzel could ever give us!

R4P2: Day 11

2010-05-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

Weight: 175.8 lbs
Total Loss: 10.4
Total over all: Less than 108.0

Evening, So I have had a weird situation. I lost a bunch of weight, then gained a bunch, then lost it all and .4, this week has been weird for the last 3 days. I'm rather okay with that. I realized today that I am near the 175. It's a nice round dividable by 25 number. I like those type of numbers so I feel very progressive. I feel like I am really on my way from the close 180's as well. heh.

Tonights Theme: The Art of Puttering

The entry was short, it spoke specifically of that home tending when we just go through stuff, move stuff around in that sort of spirtual, we don't have to do it, we are in a mood sort of way. I didn't know how to fit it into an hcg journal. But the last bit spoke volumes to me, and what is the part I want to share and talk about.

Sarah Ban Breathnach says it so well - regardless of where we live, urban or rural, each offers fertile ground to sow our dreams. Puttering scatters seeds, in time we will reap an abundant harvest of contentment.

I have always looked at puttering as the mind taking a break and taking in the moment. So it's a bit of a turn around for me to see it this way. We hear puttering as a negative, as we say 'emotions' are not something to share. But we realize there is great healing that happens in being in touch with your emotions. Maybe puttering is a way to get in touch with us. I still am a bit shy on the word. Sigh.

Regardless- Where ever we go, there we are. We can not escape ourselves. Regardless where we live, we have our bodies. We can not as easily let it slide like a junk room. We are in the moment, we are suppose to be present in the moment with everything that goes on around us. What we put in our mouths, and the stress we allow our bodies to be under.

No matter where we live, our bodies offer us fertile ground to sow our dreams. We can plant a seed in our minds and let it grow, our motivation and determination is the fertilizer that lets that thought and idea, that dream bloom.

I think if we allow ourselves to take a moment when we give ourselves a dose of hcg, we can let this idea of 'thin' of 'healthy' of 'better well being' germinate. I think this can give us the strength to make today the best day as well. To imagine the amazing foods we can put in our mouth.

How do you imagine your life after hcg? When you see yourself 10, 30, 140 lbs lighter, what do you see yourself wearing and doing? I see myself wearing some sexy clothes and twirling without stumbling. I see myself more active, I see myself cuddling and not taking up so much room. heh. I see myself 'being normal' and not worrying so much if someone just saw me eat something that is not 100% rabbit food.

I think the mind is a powerful thing. I think whatever we plant in there, be it weeds or flowers, ivy or sunflowers, they will grow as we feed it. I see this also working with outlooks and attitudes. It is what makes the difference between "Oh this diet is awful and I don't lose fast enough" and "Oh, this diet is working it's magic and when the timer is off, I'm going to be healthier and more amazing!"

I think it's the seed we plant in our mind that determines our outlook on life and how happy we allow ourselves to be! What are you planting in your head? Is it beautiful, or one more excuse not to accomplish what you know you can do! Skies the limit folks! Skies the limit!

R4P2: Day 10

2010-05-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

Weight: 177.8 lbs
Total Loss: Less than 10
Total over all: Less than 107.6

So, I had a big gain. I can feel bloating, I think I am Ovulating. I also think that I have amassed some water weight because I took too much magnesium which REALLY cleaned me out on Monday. So I might be hording water due to some dehydration. I've been pretty good at not cheating, with pretty much it being some nonfat milk every day in my coffee. I am moving over to tea which will reduce the milk intake. :)

Tonight's Theme: Order Within

Things that stuck out to me: order within, mental closet, what drives you crazy?, look at yourself with compassion, bookend reflection in your day, your own devising, it all starts within, Mother time does not rush- 7am will not tell 6 am to hurry up.

I'm sitting here thinking of what awesome words I want to write, but all I can see are imagines of how I try to manifest this in my life. I enjoy having a rhythm to my day. I hate rushing, so I realize I have to prepare more in order to make this happen. I also have tried to limit what I put in my life so it doesn't become too much that I have to rush to do it all. I have put up schedules like "I will work on web design on Thur and Sew bags on Tuesday". With this I feel more in tune and flow with the world.

I wake up in the morning and allow myself time to wake up. My son sleeps in our bed so I wake up slowly with him. He is also not a fast and ready to go kid. We snuggle and I just enjoy his presence and the whole day seems to be one of smooth.

I think if we make something a priority, then we make it happen in our life. If we really don't want it, we will find ways to impede it from becoming routine in our life.
I like the idea of book ending our moment of silence. Or reflection. We can take about 5 minutes at night, while in bed, to think about our day. What we have done to make it bad or good.

I wonder if we can take a moment, like when we put drops of HCG in our mouth and take a 5 min time out. I mean, we have to wait till we can swallow right? Unless you do injections, but I bet you could take the time to think and reflect how it will be a good HCG day. That this medicine will help us become healthier.

There is something I learned from a personal place of mine that I take with me and I feel it has given my life an easier path to follow. There is this flow of energy (call it what you must/want) that flows through us at all times and we either bask in it, or we fight against it. If we let the current of energy flow through us life seems to take on a more settling feel. Sort of 'go with the flow' mentality.

IF we constantly push against the current of our daily life it will fight back or at least make it extremely hard. If we allow ourselves to go with the flow of things and find a branch downstream to hold on to, or a raft to climb on we fair a better chance of having that peace within, because we won't feel so at odds with the world.

Not saying we should allow the world to dictate what we do, but I bet we can find better ways of doing things if we don't push so hard against the current.

What makes your life so unsettling? What keeps you up at night and what makes you shoot like a bullet out of your bed in the morning? Can you drop something in your schedule so that you can take a moment for yourself? Can you ask others to help you out, to take on their own responsibilities instead of expecting from you because of a title you hold? (Example: Just because your a mom doesn't mean you have to work a job AND do laundry AND do dinner. Do it together as a family. or Delegate!). Find ways to streamline your day, which might take a little work at the start.

Once it becomes habit you feel so much more settled, and quiet within. And once you have order within, any outside disorder is easier to deal with.

R4P2: Day 9

2010-05-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

Weight: 176.2 lbs
Total Loss: 10
Total over all: 107.6

I want to say that everyone's feedback as been just as invaluable as you seem to to find my posts lately! Thank you SO MUCH! I thrive on outward acceptance and praise. Sometimes it seems like a shortcoming of mine, but hey, you better understand that I might also be a person who sincerely appreciates the praise you dole out!! I will carry you and your wonderful words in my thoughts all day long!!! :)

Theme Tonight: Simplify, Simplify, Simplify

Words that jumped out: the clutter resembled an archaeological dig- small stacks of artifacts. Spirituality, simplicity and serenity - sacred Trinity. None of the great spiritualist had junk drawers.

I think her idea was to clear the junk drawers, clear your soul for simplicity, Spirituality and serenity. I found another meaning to apply to our hcg journey.

Within the clutter find the meaningful. As an archaeological dig might seem to unearth a mound of rocks, these rocks have meaning within them that might not be apparent right away or to others.

Do not simply discard our clutter calling it useless. We have bought, found and collected many of these things for a reason. In that reason I think we might find our inner problems or challenges to overcome, and be able to release them like butterflies.

I look into my desk. I have a desk that my parents gave me after my grandmother died. This desk belonged to my grandfather. It was the desk I used to climb on as a little girl to look out a window at the school across the street during visits to Germany. But this is a story about the clutter, not the desk, though it's a cherished piece of mine, yet I fill it with clutter.

I do have business cards or business card items that I find useful, but I found: 3 cherry lip glosses, a shell, 2 of the SD cases (little plastic holders), and this plastic knob thing I know goes to some massage machine I can't find. I keep the knob particularly because 'what if I find that darned machine' yet I don't want to use it because it is not in my life now and i Don't feel it's loss. But I want to try to keep all the pieces so if I give it to charity, They want all the pieces I bet!! I do this with my son's puzzles I have bought for him in the last several years along with various boxes full of stuff.

I keep it out of fear.

Why do you keep your clutter? Out of excess? Did you get fat because you had a psychological issue you couldn't deal with?

Is it still there?

Just because we become thin in our body, we don't necessarily become healthy in our mind. These things will ultimately impede us from having long term healthy body success.

Why do you own the clutter? Why did you allow yourself to own the clutter of your body? Do you have a hard time saying no? Do you have a mentality of 'live today, die tomorrow so who cares what I fill my body with?' Do you find yourself having a hard time controlling your urges?

I love to be addicted to things. I find healthy legal things so no one bothers me. Yet food became just as addictive as a drug. The acceptable drug apparently. No one cringes and says something when you eat a plate of pasta. My fat came from that sort of food. I stayed away from soda most of the times and never would indulge in a donut. Loading was my first in over 15 years I allowed myself a donut.

My body clutter came from emotional eating. I HATED to be left out of anything. I would eat what was around me to be part of something. I would eat 3 meals because I didn't want to be left out of the different dinners. I didn't want to be left out. Jenny Craig specifically failed the day I sat down at Lunch with my tomato soup and everyone else had Clam Chowder. I held up my arms and said 'I'm done! and I hate tomato soup'

This is what each pound represents. The years of not wanting to be alone. I still hate being alone, but I have filled it with other things. I fill that void with the love I know my family has for me. My time with my son. With the Hobbies I enjoy, and bath time with the door closed. These will only bring me more joy in my life.

I think if we understand what the clutter we are about to throw away represents, then we can not only throw away that old eyeliner, but we can throw away our fear of whatever plagues us.

So, What does your clutter represent?

R4P2: Day 8

2010-05-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

Weight: 177.8 lbs
Total Loss: 8.4
Total over all: 106

Hello All. I was able to clean out a bit today so I should see another decent loss on the scale (hopefully). I have been drinking a lot of coffee, but I am reading an amazing book called "For all the Tea in China" and it makes me want to switch back to my other teas for a while. mmmmmm.

Tonight's Theme: The Ruskin Spring Ritual of Restoration

Things that jumped out at me: 3 things for happy work: fit for it, not do too much of it, have a sense of success in it. black holes harboring clutter. compulsion. a life time of clutter to be dealt with in manageable increments. Do attempt to do it all at once- you will sabotage yourself.

This journal was about clearing the clutter. Going through every room one at a time and allowing ourselves TIME to get organized. We didn't become disorganized in a day, or even a month. How to relate it to hcg. At first I was thinking of clothing or our size, but then it hit really personal: How fast we lose weight on hcg, and by doing it alone we judge the length of the protocol.

It didn't help that my doctor let me be on this protocol for 110 days, and I only stopped to go on a cruise my parents invited me to. I stopped for 1 week break, loaded and went for another 51 days. Stopping this time for a vacation. I took a much longer break because I didn't want to get another bottle of hcg and have 1/2 of it sitting and rotting in the fridge. I got a whole 3 weeks of p3, and 3 weeks of p4 and then started again a 36 day round. I really only stopped that one because I saw what cheating was doing to my husband. (A lot of external reasons to stop rounds)

Most people are doing the protocol like the book says, and I think that is great. I am in a hurry to get this weight off, but I need to start rethinking that again. I need to realize, that I might not get this all off by my 1 year hcg anniversary. And I NEED to be okay with that.

Our bodies are little black holes that hold this seemingly unending amount of fat, but to see myself go down 10 lbs and fit into the next size pants is such a thrill, though sometimes fleeting because I am looking for the next step.

This weight started when I was 19. I climbed a little, then went down an inch, climbed a little more and ended up at 35 years old with 280 lbs of stuff on me. Abuse, neglect, and just plain stupidity and frustration. I would love to ask why didn't I stop at the start. I tried, but never followed through. I can't beat myself up for that. I can't stop and say "Shame on you for getting that big". It happened, and now I am letting it go and in such a hurry to as well.

We are going fast enough on the hcg, and I really think I need to stop at marked points and allow myself to heal off hcg as well. Enjoy the p3 and p4 process.

Do attempt to do it all at once- you will sabotage yourself. So true. You burn out, you give up, you get used to losing so fast that you wonder why can't you lose more faster? SIGH! Am I right ladies? Sometimes we get frustrated that we ONLY lost 3 lbs in one week. Or possibly get so frustrated that our average isn't better then the next person?

It's our own road we need to focus on. It is our journey and we should let each day be joyous and realize that it's not the destination that matters but the traveling. If you think about it the ultimate 'destination' in our life is death. How are you going to enjoy the view at death? Let us enjoy the view up to the day we die, so we can't say "oh wait.. I forgot to look around"

I have a firm goal right now I realize. I want to be 160 lbs on my last day of hcg this round. I don't want it to take forever, I need to reconcider if I do hit a stall, but over all, with a constant reduction I want to be at 160. Why? I want to feel like I can have some loading weight, and some small gains during p3 and still feel like I succeeded at losing enough weight. I can see when you do 30 day rounds that stabilization or rather, no weight gain, becomes really important because you do not want to lose all you gained. (or maybe you don't want to RE-LOSE all you re-gained)

R4P2: Day 7

2010-05-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

Weight: 179 lbs
Total Loss: 7.2
Total over all: 104.8

Gaw! A gain! :P I did everything right! Changed nothing, I have been making sure if I cheat w/ the non-fat stuff that I am very slim and try to just go without. I have had some non-fat milk in my coffee, but nothing changed. BUT I did feel like a balloon this morning. My husband informed me he put a CRAP LOAD of salt in the soup. :P That must be it. I felt so puffy. I also haven't seriously visited the restroom. *clear throat* so that could play a role!

You won't believe tonight's theme title: Clearing out What Isn't Useful of Beautiful.

Several things that spoke to me in the book: 'William Morris urged Victorians to rid themselves of the ugly, useless, and uncomfortable in favor of simple and 'honest'. Restore order, would you be mournful if it's gone, ancient law- if we disire more abudance in our lives, we must create a vaccuum in order for us to recieve the good we seek.

Applying this to HCG is easy! :) Clear out our fat. We can't say to our thighs, okay, you gotta go! But that is the amazing thing about this diet, it will! Plain and simple, our body will reform in the image it is suppose to. Accept it. But we are getting rid of that inch or two that we used to take up in the seat. We have simplified ourselves.

But curiously enough: Do you mourn it? Will you be mournful when your fat is gone? What did the fat hold for you? The walls are now down. We can't hide behind uglyness. We can't use it to keep people away. We can't use it any longer as an excuse not to get up and do something. Does that make you happy or frightful?

I think our bodies will function better. It restores the order to have our bodies given back to use, uncovered and uncluttered by our fat. I realized again today that it is a joy to drive in my mothers Volvo because I don't feel so squeezed into the space not made for a 280 lb woman.

This also gives us an opportunity to bring sexy back! ;) We can also pick out new clothes that we feel shows us off beautifully! I don't have to wear particular clothes because they are sensible for a 280 lb body. NO WAY! I went to the mall today and I feasted with my eyes the styles I would like to cover myself in. NO, not cover, Celebrate myself in!!

This could also apply to the hobbies we have, the stuff we have in our home, and the tasks we take on. If it is something you don't enjoy doing, find a way, if it is important to do and you can not drop it: Find a way to make it simple and beautiful! If you can drop it.. what are you waiting for!!

But this is our time to unclutter and create us into an imagine we can celebrate ourselves! Take the opportunity to reinvent yourself into the person you are in your head! Let them shine for once! It's the authentic self!

R4P2: Day 6

2010-05-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

Weight: 178.2 lbs
Total Loss: 8
Total over all: 105.6
Lbs left to lose to get to 123.8: 54.4

Hello All! Today was a good day. I got to garden. Since both my husband are on hHCG we were winded pretty quickly, yet we got enough done to feel okay about it.
We moved a LOT of things around. I pulled up a 'fake grass' area to create a more natural backyard. Stone paths and create a sitting area in an area I had given up on, though I love it so much. So I am clearing it out and putting chairs. That will take a while. I will show pictures one day!

So I have an idea. I got the book "Simple Abundance: A daybook of Comfort and JOy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach a LONG time ago. Never really used it much. Maybe a day or two. I was being such a perfectionist that I would wait for Jan 1st to role around so I could start to use the book. HA!
Well, today I started working it, so I am going to try to, regardless if I am in a round our not, post here what I read and how it relates to hcg and the whole protocol.

So today's topic: Progress, Not Perfection!

Doesn't that scream so loudly to us? Some words that popped out: 'perfectionism is self abuse", "Perfectionists rarely know a moments peace" and "It's real and it's wonderful" in response to a craft the woman made to show it doesn't have to be like the magazine.

I think that sometimes we push ourselves to be so perfect we set ourselves up for failure. We also don't take risks either. But we did didn't we? We started the HCG diet even though we might have had doubts that it would work for us! But now we have to realize that whatever our bodies become, they won't be these picture perfect model quality bodies, yet they will be healthy!

My husband has picked out, online, several bikini's he hopes to see me in when I am down to my goal weight. I look at my thighs currently and I get so depressed that I won't be able to look great in said bikini. I won't have that 'perfect body' but that won't stop me from trying to acquire the goal weight, and also- if I don't get to my prescribed goal weight, will I be a failure?? Should I KILL myself with hcg to get to a particular number, though the body in the mirror is something I can fall in love with, or already have? Do I need to get into a magical numbered clothing size? NOPE! Well okay, I do want to get back into size 8 at least. heh.

I also think about the perfectionistic want to do the diet PERFECTLY and it doesn't help that the Doctor sort of says so on page 44 of his manual, though if we do listen to him then we 1. shouldn't do the diet w/o a doctor and 2. Use injections.
Not saying we should do a free for all on pizza during a round, I'm saying that maybe if we make a mistake once in a while (not a planned force eating) we shouldn't feel like such failures. I hear a lot of folks saying 'if you do one thing wrong you will never stabilize and the whole diet would have been a waste'. I get wrapped up in that idea and what to believe, but at the same time, should we expect ourselves to be 'perfect' on the diet. Maybe we should strive for 'complete clean' because we know it would be good for us, but not kill ourselves over real mistakes. Real life happens and we need to be okay with that. Find out why you did it, there might be some self sabotage going on.

If you find that the diet is TOO hard to be on. I would suggest stopping and go find a shrink. Go to therapy and get yourself mentally clean before you get yourself physically clean. I swear it does wonders. I started out eating to fill an emotional void. I have cleaned my mind of that. I eat to nourish and for great tasting food. Now a days, 'great tasting' has taken on the meaning: Good wholesome ingredients, fresh and high quality. I will splurge for the 'cleaner' chocolate that is healthier for me. Just because it tastes so wonderful, plus only eat small bites. (not on p2 of course)

I do have a big food issue though now. I have to stop eating when full and satisfied. I'm dealing with the 'clean your plate' syndrome. It even happened today with my chicken and salad. :P I could have stopped 3 bites ago. So that is my work.

So realize, Your real! and your Wonderful! We make ourselves more and more wonderful every day. Take care and I plan to talk to you all tomorrow!

R4P2: Day 2

2010-05-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

Weight: 180.6 lbs
Total Loss: 5.6
Total over all: 103.2
Lbs left to lose to get to 123.8: 56.8

I have lowered my goal weight. I will aim for 123.8 since I 'should' be in the 120's. But I can change it just as easily! GO ME! ;)

So i'm on my 4th round. I am going to do about 30 days. Give or take some depending on how I feel.

I stopped my Nuvaring birth control and I FEEL so much BETTER!!!! :D WOOT! I feel optimistic and happy about the next 30 days! To a point I guess.

I read an awesome book: The school of Essencial Ingredients. It makes me want to write my hcg cookbook. I have so many fun recipes to come up with and share!! :)

This round feels better also because the hhcg I am using feels more potent. I could tell a difference from this one and last one. I think it's also that we are going to have clean eating and stay away from cheats.

Okay: The cheats that I WILL have are: Nonfat sourcream of no more then 2 tablespoons in a dish.(Mostly used as a salad dressing), non fat milk to cut the bitterness in coffee, and some nonfat cheese to go w/ an apple if I eat it raw to deal w/ blood sugar issues. (will try to microwave the apple though).
This will be a 'special cheat' and not a 'because it's my dinner' cheat. So that should help a lot. I will drink coffee every day since it has been a great appetite suppressant for me. Not sure a good/bad thing but it is what it is.

But nothing else may pass these lips! :)

But I'm excited. I lost 5.6 lbs during the first 2 days. This gets rid of most of my loading weight. I hate gaining while loading. :P

More later! I Have to go drop off the kid at OMA's and Opa's and then go on a 'date' (we go to our local gaming shop and play games for 2 hours w/o kid!!)

R4: Loading!

2010-05-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

So I am casually loading because I have taken a 10 day break, on the outskirts of not needing to load, but it's fun. Gets the ice cream need out of my system!

I am feeling a renewed sense of hope!

I have decided to write a cookbook that is more than just a cookbook. Details will be forthcoming in the future as I move along w/ the project. It makes me happy, and I hope it helps me lose my last 60 lbs!

I have been completely transformed because of this diet. It has shown me a way of eating I didn't think I could achieve on our budget. Though I do love to splurge for good cheese! Fresh Veggies though- constantly? That seems expensive, but you know what? It's more expensive to get fat and hurt yourself!!

I'm feeling more zen in life, maybe it's because I am full of Klondike bars! ;) But I also stopped using my birth control (no babies though for me please) and we realized it was causing me to be moody, depressed and generally a butthead. It also didn't make my yahoo feel good at all, which also lowered my sex drive... why did I want the birth control again? LOL. It was Sex control too!

I am reading an AMAZING book that I think you all should read! YOu guys love food right? It's what got us here right? "The School of Essential Ingredients!" This woman is an amazing write and I just can't get enough. I'm almost done w/ her book!

Life is good, and I'm going on my 4th round! I'm going for 30 days and take what I can get weight wise. I saw a woman post on a newsgroup that she attributes her lower loss days to the skin tightening up more. She is noticing this round for her that her skin tightens! WOOT! I Hope that will help me through this round if stuff goes slow! My thighs look like stretched out pants. :P But my under arms are looking nice though! :D

My husband said we might go in for a boob job if my boobs sag too much. We will see. One day at a time. It's now time for me to zen out and work on enjoying the next 30 days. I also want to see about getting creative again in the kitchen. I made a p2 burger for my friend that he enjoyed while the rest of us had bacon bits mashed into our burgers w/ buns. :P He dealt with it just fine and said my creative burger tasted yummy. I had fun with mustard and spices and then I put it in the toaster oven with rosemary in there for scent! :) mmmmmm. Looked yummy

I will be doing weight the first full day of 500 at this point. I don't care to know about loading weight. :) I am putting my 'starting weight' at the start of my 500 day. Thank you very much! :) hehe. I hope I don't gain TOOOOOO much. I just don't want to have to lose ALL this stupid weight to get to the 'real' weight. heh.

anywho.

HCG free week

2010-05-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

Hello All!

I jumped almost 3 days in the first day. I ate wrong. I know that. Then I ate a little wrong 2nd day, gained 1 lb. I ate 'PERFECT' the 3rd day and lost a little. :P Go figure. Do the right thing and you get reward.

People- it's not really worth cheating on this diet. You slow yourself down, but I feel the biggest thing is you don't 'cleanse' yourself from your cravings. Just eat clean and you will eventually be rewarded... I hope.

I am dealing with hcg burnout, but will take the 10 days off (maybe more? no clue, we will see 10 days from now) and start to do 30 day sprints. With 10-20 days off. I don't want to totally 'stop' the hcg lifestyle, it has become such a part of my life. LOL!

I also just want to be 'done' with it. Though the closer I get to size 14/12 pants I cant help but think... What will be my final weight? When will that turkey button pop out of my navel?

I am 5 foot 2 inches. (I swear I shrunk) Looking at various celebrities (that are healthy thin, and seeing pictures of helderheid, I realized I COULD safely get to 120. My mom looks at me with skeptism w/ that weight. Then asked "What should MY weight be?" She is 5 feet 7 inches, so .. um.. more than that! :) I said 140-135. I hope I was close to being right.

So I was 145 in high school. I wore size 8 clothes. I still have size 8 dresses from that era. I think I could stop there, but that seems TOO high still for me since the 'charts' say SMALLER! and with this diet, why not? I won't get to go to unhealthy sizes w/ this diet. :D

So lets see. I do a 30 day round, get maybe 15 lbs. That is aprox 4 more rounds?
I like doing all these charts and math. :P We will get there when I get there. So what! Yes, if I say that enough I might believe it more and more. LIke I said. I just want to be done!

Folks- Don't forget to drink your water! :) Be healthy and enjoy the ride! Take a break when your brain is overloaded! We need to take care of our bodies AND our minds! :)

1st day off HCG

2010-04-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

So I am doing a break.

I did 36 full days on the HHCG. I lost a total of 22.6 lbs. MY LDW: 178.
105 lbs over all.

My husband started to spiral down the cheating road, so I felt it was a good time for both of us to take a break. I was hitting my breaking point anyways. I thought it would be nice to take about a 10 day break. We will see.

My days have progressivly had bad news in them and things are just not going the way I want them to. I don't need prom dresses and roses to make my day good. I just want my life to go smoothly for a little bit.

We tried to cancel our health insurance because we pay a LOT for LITTLE. So we found out we can't. But a letter came out yesterday that said "To insure quality of our productive if you don't give us all this verification information we will drop everyone's dependants. This was not us, but the company as a whole. So this might be our 'way out' at least for me and my son.

Preschool is going well, but my son got really scared of the teach who dressed up for Pirate Day. It took him a while to realize it was just paint on her face and that everyone is okay and safe. I was suppose to be sewing bags, but I took care of my son first!
I got a call at the start of this week saying they needed a bunch of dice bags, and they should have thought of this earlier. But alas, they didn't so give us as many as you can THIS WEEK! Nice guy but I was still a BIT stressed about it.
I've been sort of unmotivated to do anything except what was needed of me this week. Iwanted it to be slow and catch up on my reading and relaxing. Hehe. I had a bunch of cleaning things on my list, plus my garden to deal with. NOTHING got done in that area.
Every time I tried to sit at my sewing machine some alarm came up. Something stopped me. WHich stressed me even more, and the moments I did have to get onto my sewing machine I was tired of dealing with the fires. :P Oh well.

This diet has been a bit of a stress, though looking back: 22 lbs in 36 days is not bad. I should happily take it. I did hem my size 14 jeans, which I did a stupid job on, I put the stitching too small, needed it bigger but oh well. I still fit into them.
I bought a couple more pants at goodwill because I JUST wanted to. I also have been buying little things here and there but we have been focusing on lowering debt. STRESS!
We have a bit of debt that we won't pay off today or tomorrow, but I feel like we should pay it off by next month. So I feel sort of lousy about it. Just all these stupid little stressers.

I realize I am not over an eating issue. I can't seem to 'stop' eating when I am done. When something tastes SO freaking good, i want to eat it all, even though my body says 'enough' and this whole diet I have been constantly 'slightly snackish' hungry. So I am feeling pretty lousy about that. I can't just be 'satisfied.'

Life is over all good and I KNOW I will get through this. I know after this week is done (Tomorrow I turn in the bags I made) I will feel like I got a bit more control back. I know the insurance thing will work out for the best. Things do happen for a reason and I am keeping my head up, though it is hard right now.

Lavender- you gave me the strength to take a break. I know my parents have started to hound me about losing my weight and STAYING on the diet till I am through. I have stopped listening to my body because of it. You made me stand up for myself personally and say "I need this break' I need to take care of myself.

I'm just tired and worn out right now. I want the sun to come out and stop coming out in the early morning to be gone by mid morning w/ drizzle. I want to sit in my backyard and read a book while my son plays in the dirt with his cars. I want the sun!

I've felt very worn out and I still have so much on my todo list, that I think sometimes knowing that the list just sits there wears me out, then I feel guilty when I don't do anything. Silly I know. I will get better. I bet things will return to normal next week!

Off to sew some more bags, or take a secret mini rest on the couch. mmmmm. hehe.
Take care and see you again soon!

R3P2: Day 30

2010-04-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Weight: 180.2 lbs
Total Loss: 20
Total over all: 103.6
Lbs left to lose: 46.4

20 lbs in 30 days. Not bad. Still over the .5 average. Not too shabby, though in my perfect world I would have an average of .8 instead of .7. I'm going to be on this diet forever.

I had a slight melt down with my husband. I just want the weight gone and move forward. I want to buy more then 1 pair of goodwill jeans in my size of the day. I want to move forward. I'm into sustainability and want to get my pantry ready with things I can eat. Okay, the last part I can still do on the diet but still. I want to bake bread and such and EAT IT! I will eat bread but I want it to be homemade. I want to learn how to can. Anyways.

So listening to Lavender's advice I find myself going 'Yes to the break, but no to the 6 weeks" It was VERY helpful. I need someone to say "DO THIS!" and I get my real feelings out on the table of what I really want. I want to take a break when my husband losses his 17 lbs he has left to lose. He doesn't want to take a break before then. I don't blame him. But I would like to do p3 with him together. Support.

So, if I loss lets say an extra 10 lbs to his 17 that would leave me with 36 lbs left to lose. Maybe an extra 10 if I go to 123. :P Will this diet never end.

I LOVE this diet. I love that I am losing weight so fast and that I am getting my body normalized. But it has taken most of my life since August and I just feel like I am in clothes/life limbo. I'm always on the diet and have had various outtings that I just want to eat normal w/ everyone else. I just want to go back to 'normal' Not eating Big Macs and crap. I'm talking about normal thin me lifestyle. :) heh.

Yes, I'm doing a lot of offloading.

I feel like wow I lost 20 lbs.. and so I should only have 35 more lbs to lose, but I started at 68 lbs to lose. I started at 200 this round, and my mental mind started at 183. DUMB! So I feel like I am behind.

I almost fit into my size 14 pants, so no complaints about my physical form. I'm actually happy with the inches lost. I haven't measured w/ tape but I have measured with clothes. It's nice to dip into my mom's closet for shirts. I love that I can fit into my husband's shorts. So I have some extra clothes.

I got rid of alllllll my size 8 - 16 clothes RIGHT before this diet. It was my 'I will never be thin so I might as well get this toxic thought out of my life' and then 3 weeks later my doctor introduces me to the diet. I needed to clean house before I got the gift but it sort of sucks. I do have my prom dress and some other dresses because they were too expensive and nice to get rid of. Sigh. So I don't have 'play clothes' to fit into. I tried to find on ebay a 'lot' of size 14/12 clothes at a small price but wow.. not spending 100 bucks for 2 weeks. LOL.

Does anyone know of a site that they sell a 'box' of clothes in 1 size? Maybe I will try craigslist now that I am getting into normal sizes.

I have been playing a bit too much facebook. I am stepping away from the computer and putting that energy into inventorying my pantry, set up a todo list of how we can make our family more sustainable and make sure I have a 1-2 week reserve of water and such. There was a farm up north from me that leaked poop sludge into a local river, but not enough to shut it down. There was in Seattle a water main break that kept people out of water in the summer last year for about 2-5 days. So I just want to be minimally prepared for small stuff like that.
I want to get my garden up and running, and set up a herb garden on my window sill.
I want to take some of my big pants and make them smaller to see if that will help my mood. :) I just want to get more stuff done in my life that will benefit me other than farmville! ;) hehe. anyways. Talk to you gals all later!

R3P2: Day 29

2010-04-20T16:50:00.000-07:00

Weight: 180.4 lbs
Total Loss: 19.8
Total over all: 103.4
Lbs left to lose: 46.6

It's been a week, but I really didn't have much to say.
I did a big cheat this weekend but I had the best time in a long time. The issue was not the cheat, the real happiness was going out with friends. I haven't been OUT with friends in a LONG time. It was nice to sit at a restaurant and just chatter. Then we took a nice walk around downtown Olympia. Most stores were closed for evening Saturday, which surprised me, but at the same time, they were locally owned shops. Transported me back to the 80's. Nothing really was 24 hour except maybe your 7/11.

I have been doing well over all. My size 16 pants are saggy on me, and I fit TIGHTLY into my size 14. So it's at the edge. I have given up going and buying brand new jeans, so I take what I can get at Goodwill. Which in size 14 is a lot. I found a pair of 'stretchy' jeans. hehe. I thought it would speed up the process. :)
I also borrowed 5 nice shirts from my mom. The casual nice that I won't go out and buy for 3 weeks worth of wear. I have a LOT of baggy t-shirts and some work out shirts that are sexy, but they are now getting baggy, and not looking like they are 'dress up'

I came home today and wanted to dress out of my 1 pair of jeans. Well, I didn't want to jump into sweats that are 2 sizes too big so I found a pair of my husbands shorts. Since I had just recently Veet'ed my legs (like Nair for hair hair!) I slipped them on and felt sexy and comfy! :D :D :D His man size 36 that are getting too big for him. HOLD ON! NO! These are his current size. OMG! This story just got better! :)

I had a lady call me today from the place my mom sells her crafts in. Nice lady I loved talking to when I did a walk around shift there. Well. She found in the paper a 'hcg SUPER slimming program' and wanted to know more and she saw me show off my 100 lb loss. So we talked. I told her many of those programs can cost you 2k-3k dollars but it's well worth it because you WILL lose the weight. It is not a scam. BUT that you can go to my doctor and pay like 100 dollars per bottle OR her and I can talk and we can figure out how she can do it at home for like 23 a bottle! So much more affordable if you can find a friend/support group to do it with you.

I'm going to stay really good this week. I'm hovering between the 'do I take some planned 'fat' cheats to keep my body in fat supply (that is what they were saying about getting off the diet- to replenish your body? if someone has a take on this please dish it over!! :) please. ) anyways. I'm seriously thinking- do I wait for 2-3 weeks being REALLY good, no cheating, and end the round for 1 week, then get back on and continue? OR do I keep some planned 'fat' cheats and just go to the end? WHich would add on another 2-3 months.
IF I lose aprox .8 a day I could be done by mid June. Though the husband wants me to try for 120. I'm going for 133. We looked at various women my shortness. ALL the sexy ones that look healthy still, sit around 118-121. SIGH!
It's such a crap shoot at this point. I think I will just take it one day at a time, but doing it alone does pose these questions.
I do want this to eventually end. The finish line is in site. I mean... 2 more months and I can be DONE! But that is an extra 60 days on top of the almost 30 I have done.

Advice for those who have done more rounds? That have done it alone. I feel like there is more success with shorter rounds. But I don't want to wait for p4 and take 3 or 4 weeks off. ANY break I take will be 1 week of p3. Do I wait to be at the 24 lbs left to lose mark, take a 1 week break? So many options. I was thinking I would just hold till my husband is done. He has like 20 more lbs and then we go on p3 together and then I get back on after a couple weeks.

The issue also becomes- clothes. As weird as it sounds. I am not going out to buy a bunch of clothes. I took a big break when I could fit into my mother in laws pants, and shirts could be pretty baggy so I was fine. I don't want to sit in 1 pair of jeans for 3-6 weeks. LOL.
Yes, I have a lot on my mind with this. I hope there are still readers out there that can help me!

A recipe I want to try:
Roasting asparagus, and then adding them to 100g of cooked chicken and blending them. I would microwave both and blend them but I want to know what roasted asparagus would taste like converted to a soup. I will keep you posted!

Kid Front: My son is LOVING preschool. He went to the local cider mill (I went there as a kindergartner) with my mom and me. WOW was that fun! Lots of animals to feed. Then today he had Safari Day! I sewed a vest for him yesterday with left over brown fabric I had from star wars jedi costumes. (I need to resize mine) It was cute and fast to make. He really enjoyed himself today.

Tech Front: Playon is a great way to watch Netflix, Hulu and local movies on your Nintendo Wii. It's really cool. Look it up. It is a software you put on your computer and if your Nintendo Wii is hooked up to the network in your house, you can stream that information from your computer to your Wii. There is also streaming for Playstation and Xbox360, but we got the Wii. HULU on the big screen YEAY! No more big cables flowing over the couch to our laptop! YEAY clean living room not looking like a cyborg!

Take care everyone. Long Post! Congrats if you made it to the end. I wish I could give you 5 cyber cash to redeem on your favorite facebook game! ;) lol.

Update: Mental Blocks

2010-04-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

Hey folks!

I just talked to a friend of mine who has apparently tried the hcg but can't seem to do it. I have seen others from time to time deal with the same issue: Not able to do it.

I realize that hcg works. You do the program you WILL lose weight! It will work for you on the 1st day, it will work on the 30th day! It will work round 1 and round 30. (Or I am assuming about round 30. heh)

But seriously. If you can't do it, there is a mental block going on and YOU DESERVE to rip that mental block away and heal the wound. We all deserve to be healthy mentally along with physically!

Don't delude yourself that you can't do this diet. you can, but you just might have to clean up your mental closet of it's skeletons! You might have to seek out a friend, a book or councilor (I like therapy because it's a person with some knowledge that will be there to help you specifically on your problem) but you can do it. It will be as hard as being on the diet, but come on. You will thank yourself.

I grew up having my food controlled by my mother. It wasn't out of cruelty, she ran the kitchen and she gave us breakfast, lunch and dinner. I didn't have a healthy relationship with food. I was thin and ate healthy, but my connection to food on my own terms were not there. I had training wheels. Then I was kicked out into a world to figure it out. You just 'know' how to do these things right? NO! WRONG! You don't. If you don't have a manual you can't just get into a car and just 'drive'. So I was with out a Pilot. So I ate pasta and pizza w/ a side salad. Lots of soda and started to get fatter. I landed at 180's for the next several years. Then I met my husband- family who had no real issues with food. But I went into their home like a kid in the candy store. The monitored the stuff they had. This was the first time I really hit the processed foods and candy hard. I GAINED weight.

Just never knew. I learned. I knew how to 'do the right thing' but by then I was knee deep in a 'disorder' a psychological eating problem. I hated to be left out of all food events, and I used food for love.

I saw a therapist. She helped me to become a well rounded person. I started eating right, but the weight was suborn. But I didn't feel that tie to food, that uncontrolled need to feed. I just had a messed up physical body. I would be great if I had hcg at that time. :P

So I had the mental tools to deal with eating, but not the physical ones. Now I do. I feel some issues are still there, I know about them. I work with them.

We can all do this diet. we just might need to work on the other problems that are just as big, if not bigger, than our physical problems!! We can do it! Allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to become healthy. I don't care what you have done in your life, there is no reason why you can't look forward and create a life you want. One that is healthy, happy and kind to not only those around you but to yourself too! Why punish yourself for the REST OF YOUR LIFE for something that happened in your past? Deal with it! I mean- go to therapy, write it down, work it through, and let it go so that you can be everything you deserve to be TODAY!

R3P2: Day 21: Lost 100 lbs!!

2010-04-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

Weight: 183.4 lbs
Total Loss: 16.8
Total over all: 100.4
Lbs left to lose: 49.6

I am taking out 'amount loss' since I don't post EVERY day. I hope people don't mind.

I had a big cheat on Saturday. Gained .8 from it. And now I am back on track. yes this hurts me by making weight loss slower. I'm okay with that mentally. I have really decided to take this diet 1 day at a time since my plans for it change.
Once I get down to my last 15 lbs (which should take about 3-4 weeks to lose) I will go totally 'clean eating' to get 3 weeks of clean eating in. I do feel strongly about that at least.

I have not been totally bad. I don't feel like a tablespoon of non-fat sour cream is like eating a candy bar.

This diet can get tiring after awhile, but that is what I get when I do long rounds, and have so much weight to lose in the first place. Don't let yourself get 150 lbs over weight! Though, I feel the people who read my blog are already hcg'ers. So we are where we are.

I know that the bottle of hcg will keep me doing good maintenance! heh. I don't ever want to go on this diet again if I can help it. It's not a feel good .. okay yes it is. It's an awesome diet where diets are concerned, but we shouldn't live our whole life on a diet!
We should make simple corrections when we see a couple pounds come on. We shouldn't let ourselves outgrow our pair of pants and dedicate the next 3 weeks to eating 500.

I love this diet. I would tell everyone about this diet, and I do when I get into conversations where I can say "I lost 100 lbs!" OH I LOST OFFICIALLY 100 lbs! hehe.

That totally opens peoples eyes. They look at that and go "WHOA!" You might not say that at 10 lbs, though 10 lbs is as hard as 100 lbs in the sceme of things. I digress. People take notice when you say "I love getting into this shirt.. to think 100 lbs ago this wouldn't be possible" I will drop those bombs when I go into a clothing store. People are just amazed. Yes it's the make up for all the times I felt like a fat social piranha or is it Peria?

I got a huge compliment this weekend. My brother in law was saying that they ordered me a t-shirt from our favorite t-shirt place: Threadless (this is the t-shirt they got me), but when they opened the packaging the shirt looked way too small for me! They were so disappointed.
I asked if I could try it on. IT FIT! IT TOTALLY FIT!!!! :) :) :) HEHEHE. I love it. I fit into a shirt that 2 guys thought was too small for me! :) Talk about the ultimate compliment! To FIT into that 'too small' shirt!

KID NEWS:
So my son goes to the cider mill tomorrow. My mom wants to come. Maybe her first trip out of the house since her shoulder surgery. She is doing well. We should have a lot of fun! I know my kid is ready to be back in preschool after the week long break- though he hasn't bugged me about it during the week long break! :)

TECH NEWS:
Well. My husband and I are playing around with the idea of programing a hcg application for the Iphone. Would you buy something like that to help you track stuff? I want to know there actually might be interest out there for something like that before exploring it a bit more seriously.
Also- Wii is not Netflix able. Go to your netflix account if you have one and get a disk!!! :) WOOT! Now I don't have to buy another expensive piece of plastic. Okay, we weren't and I was watching instant on my computer. :P

R3P2: Day 17

2010-04-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

Weight: 185.4 lbs
Loss of: .2 lbs
Total Loss: 14.8
Total over all: 98.4
Lbs left to lose: 52.4

Morning all!

The loss has been a little slower for me, but I am ovulating, and I always grind to a halt during this time of the month. My TOM is much nicer to me then ovulation.

I am going to try to cleaner this week, I realize if I do any modification I will supplement it with items normally associated with fat. Non-fat sour cream. I think that has been our only big 'cheat'. We are going to try non-fat milk in coffee, or possibly non-fat shredded cheese with apples or in a soup. We will see.

My husband has started the diet and he already passed me. He is doing the cheats too. Do not think I am deluding myself, I know I am 'cheating' on the diet and that I could suffer from lower losses. But that hasn't been the case actually. Sometimes I feel like I have larger losses compared to my other rounds. It could be the hhcg too. It's amazing stuff that costs SO LITTLE! I am enjoying this round more than round 2.
It's gotten more fun because the husband now is on the same diet. We do things together and think together and I don't have to watch him eat something naughty and have me drool.
It's funny, we always lament the things we didn't eat during loading. I didn't eat pasta. I regret that since I didn't eat pasta during p4 either. I wish I had at least 1 plate of pasta coming up to round 2.

The thing is I gained 5 lbs because of not drinking water or something. Then my dad was saying I should start now, instead of later, to motivate me. I didn't want to add a bunch more lbs. I sort of wanted to lose the 5 lbs before p2, then I thought, but then that is sort of dieting before you start an amazing diet. huh? ya, didn't make sense, and I didn't want to gain more. So I just started w/o eating some things I really wanted to. Like pasta. Yes, a little rant.

I'm starting to be able to take the time reading your blogs. I have a lot to catch up on. I am thinking, since it feels so overwhelming to start off reading up to date stuff, and then slowly read the past blogs I haven't read. :P

Thanks for all the encouragement I am getting from everyone. Its nice to know we are not alone in this process! I always welcome any tips and advice! :)

Have a wonderful day!

R3P2: Day 14: Two Week mark!

2010-04-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

Weight: 186.4 lbs
Loss of: 1.4 lbs
Total Loss: 13.8
Total over all: 97.4
Lbs left to lose: 53.4

Hello Everyone,

I was 1.4 lbs lighter on the scale. Nice. I feel like this weekend was a muddle on my weight because it was ALL OVER the place. :P I think a simple 'once on' is all I really need and move on. Take it and love it.

I'm excited. 3.4 lbs to having only 50 lbs to lose, plus having 100 lbs lost.

Today I am cleaning up my kitchen and playroom area. Boy does it need it. There is a lot of toys I need to clear out, plus the kitchen could use a good scrub. I want to find dishes and stuff to get rid of. I have a cool app on my Itouch. Home Routine- it works of the principle of FlyLady on my little device. I Love it. I focus on Kitchen and playroom (since it's our dining room area) this week. I like a clean home, but want to find a way to lessen the STUFF!

Decluttering the body, decluttering the home. I'm watching on Netflix on demand: "How to Cook Your Life" Very zen take on baking bread. I was thinking. Bread does not make us fat. It's us buying the chemical filled bread and sitting on the couch all day eating it. I think if we eat home made bread instead of going to the store to buy it we would be healthier and enjoy our bread too. Go for a walk afterward. :) Do some house work or something. Maybe turn on the music nice and loud and dance! Exercise doesn't have to be boring! and it doesn't have to take form of standing on a tread mill facing a blank wall. When I get thin enough I want to start walk training for a marathon. That would be fun. Actually, I think I would enjoy 5k. I was over 200 lbs and I still enjoyed 5k walks. You can do it at any weight as long as you don't care about 'finishing first'. Just doing it is so freeing. I need to go find them in my area again. I used to walk the one every year with my dad in his Government walk. Agency's walked together and it was totally enjoyable.

I will give you more info on how I enjoyed the documentary. I'm in the middle of it. I started it last night when the husband put our kid to sleep. It's their time to bond and I get some quiet time! WIN WIN!

Today's Recipe: Very non-p2 but enjoyable recipes (I have managed to eat it on p2 and lose, so eat at your own risk and comfort level if you do decide to play it fast and lose. You have been warned, and I can't be held accountable for your enjoyment and possible gain! hehe)

Big Serving of shredded Lettuce
Small serving of diced Tomato (you can forgo this)
TINY bit of chopped onion.
Serving of chicken cooked and crumbled up.

Non fat sour cream. Mix with a little of each: dill, garlic powder, salt, water(makes is sort of a dressing consistency)

Mix all the ingredients. You could put a little diced celery for crunch if you were going hog wild. Or leave out the lettuce and put in more diced celery for a chicken salad. You could put this eventually on a slice of bread. But that is totally p4.

It makes for a great salad that tastes so refreshing. I have managed to lose well after eating this during a good day. You don't have to use so much sour cream, and mix it to your taste consistency with water for more dressing, but not more sour cream. Add any other seasonings you find yummy. My mother has done a dill, sour cream, vinegar dressing, but I can post that another time.

Have a wonderful day and I hope your weather is nicer then ours. I am ready for at least a day of sun!!!

R3P2: Day 13

2010-04-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

Weight: 187.8 lbs
Loss of: gain lbs
Total Loss: 12.4
Total over all: 96
Lbs left to lose: 54.8

Whoa. I had a pretty big gain the other day. I tend to do that when I come into ovulation. It is like a TOM. That seems to be MY TOM. :P I also could have just been seeing some gain possibly from not eating 100% clean, but I have had such great losses through out not eating 100% clean that I don't want to simply be pointing a finger. Oh, to boot- my scale has been a little ... weird... lately. I don't understand why it's acting up. I weight 3 times today and it gave me different answers. Makes me also question that one gain. I used to only weigh once in the morning. I'm going back to that.... I hope. :)

I hope everyone had a great Easter! It was miserable weather up here. SIGH. It really didn't put me in the celebration mood. We went to inlaws, and my parents. We had a roast and red cabbage w/ my parents. p2 friendly! This is their Sunday dinners normally. Hubby asked "Hey, we should do that at home.. how easy it is?" Easy my mom says because it's a slow cooker thing, and I have a small slow cooker, I don't have to bring out my 'feeds 100' cooker. :)

Honestly- I will be happy when I am all done w/ the diet because then I can go back to eating normal and try all new healthy things,and do a french one pot or something. I watched Julie/Julia. WHAT a great movie it was!! Netflix on demand. Just started it on my computer, pulled up a couch section and snuggled in a blanket. It was nice. Very very nice. It was one of those chick flicks you just watch and enjoy. Nothing heavy, nothing fancy or riviting. Doesn't get your blood going or make these big climax moments where your stressing out a little if the character is going to make it. Just a simple home fries movie! :) I really enjoyed watching the story unfold and not feeling it has to have this 'big "oh my" moment'

yes it is about food. Down side when your on the hcg diet. Some amazing dishes were made that I was like "I WANT TO TRY IT!" but I did put the Julia Child cookbook on my wish list. She really gave me some hope that I can do something with my cooking fantasy. Maybe I will go to a cooking school in the area or something. I love to cook, and my love for cooking made the hcg diet a good challenge. I honestly feel that the stuff we are given strips away the cheating. We can't open a can, or cook from a box. It forces us to use spices that we might never try. Learn that you can make 20 dishes from tomatoes and chicken and not get the same dish twice. And each dish is going to be fresh and amazing!

I want to make a little hcg cookbook from the stuff I have learned, but at the same time I think with all the new options I just want to make a fun cook book with healthy foods. Add some p3 stuff. Or just create another 'fast and healthy' cookbook. :) heh. anyways. I find food amazing. It nourishes us. It tastes good most of the time. The good healthy stuff reallly tastes good. It can be made a dozen ways, and it doesn't have to take forever to bring something to the table.
I have made a menu I want to make for my parents. I made some of the dishes. But I have put together a 5 course p2 friendly menu. Using various p2 recipes, I can put a really fun meal together. I love making 5 course meals. I made one for 6 of my close friends. It was SO MUCH FUN! I am not a 'every day' cooker. I'm a 'show off cook' I would say. I love to make food and watch people enjoy them. I want to find flavor combos that will knock your socks off. I want to find new ways of putting two things together and you say "wow, and this tastes amazing too" I love testing stuff on my parents. I have made fun desserts from something in the pantry, but still looked very gourmet. So much fun.

Today was good. Dreary weather I am ready to say goodbye too. Please just rain to fill up our reservoirs and lakes, but then knock it off and give us some sun!! :)

Right now I'm a bit peckish after eating some extra lettuce to ward off the munchies, not working. So I am in that 'this is hard.. so hard... I can't wait for it to be done' mood right now. I know if I eat my apple, I will be fine. I should have saved some protein though to go with the apple. Pity Party. I think I will go dive into my Netflix account and find another good movie to watch! :)

btw: For all you Iphone/Itouch users out there. Something I found out today- you can go to NBC's website on the device and watch your show!! I have several things like Parenthood (pretty decent show) and watch when I am somewhere with WiFi! :) WOOT!

Have a good one!

R3P2: Day 11

2010-04-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

Weight: 187.4 lbs
Loss of: 2 lbs
Total Loss: 12.8
Total over all: 96.4
Lbs left to lose: 54.4

Today I am a bit tired. Still happy, but hit a nap attack. Today is very stormy outside, windy and more wind on the way. I have put the heat up a bit, plus turned off all lights and non-essencial stuff till we get through this storm. We have a box up the street that you can breath too hard on and it will pop! :P Last time it took them 9 hours to fix it. I want to be prepared. We can go over to family, but I want to be prepared for at least 2-3 hours of warmth!

I'm excited that I lost 2 lbs. I did a bit of dancing with my son and ate well. The non-fat sour cream seems to be work fine still in my diet. I had an awesome taco salad with beef.

I simple take salad, some tomatoes and tiny tiny bit of onions. Then mix it up with sour cream (nonfat), a protein-chicken or beef, and some hot sauce that is p2 okay. Oh MY does that taste awesome!

We had a great time yesterday. I love how my son is having fun at preschool. I love how relaxed I have become in this diet as well. It has become an old friend visiting me. Getting situated with how it's going to work, but then just enjoying it.

I think I am going to crash a little on the couch and watch tv. heh. Actually I think I will crash on the couch and read a book I have been waiting for from the library. I was like 25 on the wait list. :P I want to read it now. So I think I will do that.
Isn't it intersting- it's more acceptable to say "I'm going to read on the couch now" then "I'm going to watch tv on the couch now" hehe. Though I will actually learn more in the book, but I have been cleaning all morning so I think I also deserve some brain off time. LOL.

My son also has got the whole potty training down. He does wear a diaper at bedtime, but one thing at a time. He wakes up, potties on the big potty upstairs. He does so well on it, I have removed the small potty downstairs so I don't have to always clean it up. So now he does his business and just flushes. WOOT! :) He hasn't complained about it. This has been an amazingly easy process. I'm so happy. I know other's who haven't had it that easy, or took more time to get their kids to go. I just let him figure it out. Not that I wasn't part of it, I just let him listen to his own body, and let him know the proper response to those feelings. I have to go, so we go in this room and sit here to go instead of a diaper or on the floor! :)

No matter how deary the day is, a smile makes the world shine around you!

Autism Awareness Day!

2010-04-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have turned my blog blue for the rest of April to bring awareness to Autism!

I also put a side post to the right to remind people about the awareness. Please do the same for this month if you can! :)

Thanks!

R3P2: Day 10

2010-04-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

Weight: 189.4 lbs
Loss of: 1.6 lbs
Total Loss: 10.8
Total over all: 94.4
Lbs left to lose: 56.4

WOOT! I'm out of the 190's! Barely, but I am. I feel SO much better in my size 16 pants. It's a different company. I was going to one store and getting the next size down, but since I will go down so quickly I just went to goodwill and picked up some pants to get me through the next 2 weeks. :) I should now go every 2 weeks through a size. I HOPE! lol.

I'm happy. I have gotten through the first 3 days of the 'I'm miserable' Phase. I really feel GOOD on the protocol. I feel like I can do this for the long haul, at least right now. So I love it.

I feel totally free. I looked at myself in the mirror, and what I saw back made me smile. Thinking of how I looked at 283, and to have lost almost a 100 lbs. Even at 190 I feel SO MUCH better. I feel like this weight has been lifted from me. (HEHE- SINCE IT HAS!) I just feel free.
Not only am I lighter, I look better, but I feel great going into a grocery store and not feeling like 1000's of people are pointing at me. I might get a look for a positive way. heh. I can move through smaller areas, I have friends who give me positive reinforcement. I went to a friends store to play a game, and I won a t-shirt. It was x-large. I asked if they had a smaller size. They didn't, but I found out that the owner, my friend, told another friend who works for her that she was tickled that I asked that question. :) It's nice when your friends are proud of you. They see the great change you made, and maybe that makes them think twice before splurging themselves with unhealthy food.
I am so proud of my 2 friends who have both lost almost 100 lbs themselves. Not only are they thinner, they have influenced the one guys husband to cook better. He doesn't make a lot from boxes, he switched to fresher things, and find things in the store that are better for you. It's awesome!

Read this totally awesomely inspirational story: Mississippi gets skinner!
It's totally awesome to see that happen, especially the law makers.

Everyone have a wonderful day! There was an Easter Celebration at my son's preschool. He came home with a self made (w/ help of teacher) basket. Had colored eggs, colored eggs on paper. And had an Easter egg hunt. TOTALLY awesome! :)

Till next time! :) Smile, The world always looks brighter from behind a smile! :)

R3P2: Day 7

2010-03-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

Weight: 191 lbs
Loss of: 08 lbs
Total Loss: 9.2
Total over all: 92.8
Lbs left to lose: 58

Hello Folks,

So yesterday was a success on the scale today! :) I lost .8, and a loss is a loss after a bit of cheating. I did have a great salad, but still a cheat. I'm okay with an almost 10 lb week.

I hope to have at least a 5 lb week next week. I fit a littttttle better into my my size 16 pants. Give me another week at least. :)

This week started off well. Tomorrow is Preschool for the little guy! I am hoping it's just as fun for him as it was last week.

I totally feel that the adjustment to my drops did the trick. I'm not HUNGRY all the time. I was going to give myself a week before I decided if I needed the life caps. Thanks for suggesting them though! :) They are sort of pricey if I don't really need them, and I have managed really well my last 2 rounds without them. I am taking HHCG which has been working just fine. I will have blood work done at the end of it all though to see that my liver is fine. My doctor was concerned about that part since she didn't know exactly how that company was making the hhcg. Oh well.

Thanks for all your support! :) I'm going to bed now. It's a bit late.

R3P2: Day 6

2010-03-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Weight: 191.8 lbs
Loss of: 1.2 lbs
Total Loss: 8.4
Total over all: 92

I went to my brother in law's b-day party at a restaurant. I knew it was coming. I tried to be good. I got a salad. Not the best kind of salad, but it was a salad. I enjoyed it and I won't cry about results tomorrow! I knew today was going to be a 'cheat'. It was honestly suppose to be a load day. I was going to start HCG this weekend, but was talked into it a week earlier. anywho.

I had an Asian salad, with those little noodle things, and some almonds, and little mandarin oranges, (Didn't eat them all) I had the dressing on the side. It was yummy, and honestly expensive. So I enjoyed it. Anything that costs 2x the amount I think it should... deserves my full enjoyment! :) Really, anything that I eat should deserve my full enjoyment. Then I think we can ask ourselves before we put it int our mouth: Will you truly enjoy this, if not, then just don't eat me, it's not worth it. I won't buy cheap chocolate anymore because of that. It's about the good taste, not about the quantity of crap you can shovel in!

I feel good about today. My wedding ring is loose. I feel good about how I look and can get into my jeans. So life will go on. I will continue to lose the weight and ya. :)

Wish me luck. I'm going to make more bags (cloth bags I make) for a travel club my mother in law is part of. We will see if any of them will sell. Hope Hope Hope. I am wishing that the game store I sell my bags as dice bags is not the ONLY place I can seem to sell my bags. I am going to try to sell some on Etsy! I will let you know when I do. I would love honest feedback (feedbag. LOL) on my bags if possible. But I'm being sort of slow about it, I had a bad experience in a craft mall. :( Only 1 bag sold. DUMB! I had a ton to sell. ANyways. It just wasn't the right area I guess.

okay. I'm going to sit on my couch and rest. It's been a long day away from the house.

R3P2: Day 5

2010-03-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Weight: 193 lbs
Loss of: 2.2 lbs
Total Loss: 7.2
Total over all: 90.8

So I had another great loss! I will take it especially since it makes my day right now.

If I can lose 10 lbs in the first week, I have 3 to go, I will be happy, though I do have Sunday lunch to go to and was going to allow myself a little flexibility. We are eating at a restaurant and I wasn't going to do a whole lot of asking for different things. hehe. Maybe I will have a salad.

So, I have been switching up the eating a little bit off protocol. Well, sort of off protocol. I have found some non-fat hotdogs that are Kosher. I eat those in the afternoon. Less calories then a piece of chicken.

I have also made a salad dressing with some water, non-fat sour cream, and seasonings. I do put in a dash of vinegar. It is a great dressing. I did use 1 hard boiled egg and an ounce of chicken. Yes, loose and fast I am playing it.

But I feel if I need to lose 60 lbs, I still have 3 weeks at the end i can 'clean it up' a little bit. It's mostly (except for the sour cream) protocol food.

I'm happier. I upped my dose and it helped a LOT! I don't feel so hungry and miserable. YEAY! I think that losing as much as I have. 7 lbs so far has really upped my spirit. I know it's not about the weight, but when I see such progress the first week, it makes me feel hopeful. I want to put up a big chart with a countdown chart. 60 lbs to go.. 50 lbs to go... LIke a calendar. hehe. I'm ready to be done when I am done! I don't know how much I really WANT to go on a break ONLY because it would make me realize how much I LOVE to eat normal. hehe. But maybe I will just do some mindful 'fat' cheating at the 1/2 way point so I can replenish the fat, but not totally get off the diet. Maybe at certain mile marks.

anywho. I Hope everyone has a great weekend! :)

R3P2: Day 4

2010-03-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Weight: 195.2 lbs
Loss of: 2.2 lbs
Total Loss: 5
Total over all: 88.6

Morning Folks! I am feeling particularly happy today. The sun is sort of out. My son woke up pretty well w/o crying over daddy being gone. He does that sometimes. And I lost 2.2 lbs! :) 5 lbs for 3 days. I am starting to feel more like a start of a round! :)
Most people lose a lot their first week. I want to be a model citizen!! :)

I tried on my very TIGHT size 16 pants. Give me about 15 more lbs and I should be good to fit in them. I'm going for aprox 10 lbs per size. I know that it took me 30 lbs when I was 280. :P heh. So I am looking forward to getting into sizes a bit faster as I get smaller. Because 10 lbs on a 140 person and a 250 person are totally different.

I hope not to hit any walls right away. I know I have a 180 previous point, and I just don't want to start out the hhcg diet with a plateau. :P Any one every run into the immediate plateau? That would royally suck!

Well, the house got more messy then usual yesterday, so I need to go clean it up so it looks nice before this evening. I like a clean house when I putter out for the evening. :) I have been using the Iphone app that is based on Flylady. A bit more tamed down, so I dont' feel like I have to clean every 10 minutes, but enough that I feel like I am getting ahead. I was able to clean the bedroom and make it look nice. :) Made me happy.

Take care everyone! :) Be successful and Happy in all you do!

R3P2: Day 3

2010-03-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

Weight: 197.4 lbs
Loss of: .6 lbs
Total Loss: 2.8
Total over all: 86.4

OH COME ON! .6 lbs on the 2nd day????!?

I stayed good! I did have an extra bit of beef at night because I was pretty hungry, and just apples was not going to cut it with my blood sugar issues.

I'm right now going through a pouting phase. Don't mind me. I just want my lbs to fly off so I can get back to regular life! I realize it's harder doing it with out a doctor who looks over your shoulder. You are more pining over other things. I will survive, and I will make it through here. I am sort of in a crabby mood and I say "Let me fit into my size 16 pants by the end of 2 weeks of the diet!!!! :)

I'm happy that my son has his class. They have conferences today, so no class. :( BOoHoo, I am thinking of taking him somewhere for fun. Maybe a children's museum or to see his 'uncle' (one of my good friends that is more like a grandpa to him) so I can hang out and talk with someone at the same time.
Maybe pick our good friend up and take him with us. No clue what I will do. I sort of want to just kick my son out and sleep all day. :P I want a lazy day! I want to watch tv and just lay around being all self absorbed in a loss of .6 on the 2nd day of the diet. :P

I know this diet works, and it will continue to work. It will give me good losses and I will be happy and wonder why I ever was in pity mode 30 days from now. I will look fab in my newly acquired size 14 pants that look awesome on me! :) heh.

So. I want to do a traditional 21-40 day round, but I won't get my 60 lbs off, but at the same time I don't want to do any more rounds. LIke I said, I might take a week off, but we will see. I might take my week break if I get into size 12 pants. Then I can borrow some from my mom. I will just wear a belt with my size 16 pants till I just slip into my size 14.

curious- have people noticed a weight to size correlation? Like now it would seem that every 10 lbs I lose I will get into another size pants. So being 190 would give me size 18 pants, but a little loose, almost into 16. I'm thinking that 180 would give me the 16, then 170 size 14? 160 size 12? I was 145 and in a size 8 (I'm 5foot2in)

I'm curious what people have noticed once they were in the 'lower' weights like 170 and lower.

R3P2: Day 2

2010-03-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Weight: 198 lbs
Loss of: 2.2 lbs
Total Loss: 2.2
Total over all: 85.8 (Sucks since I lost 90, then gained from loading a lot)

So, yesterday night I got really hungry. It was ALL about the food again. :( I hope to get over that. I am going to get the lifecaps that were recommended! Thanks for pointing that out.

I got a HORRID headache as I went to bed, I took a B-12 and it helped a TINY bit, or it could have been that I was falling asleep that helped. :) Detoxing feels like butt! I know it's detoxing because I ate some really naughty things. I knew better, but hey, it was loading. :) I needed to have a chocolate coma since I was doing good not eating the chocolate even during p4. It's hard sometimes. There were a lot of good foods in p4 to eat, but at the same time now that I want to maintain my weight, I have flushed a lot of food ideas down the toilet. I can't have a lot of what I used to, and that is okay. They are BAD foods. But it's still hard from time to time.

I started the hcg during my period. I'm on b-control so I don't actually GET a period w/ my product, but I can feel the hormones of 'eat everything in sight...NOW!'

I'm happy with my 2 lb loss today. Though, honestly, I was hoping for a bit more. Though if I could keep up a couple 2 lb losses for a couple days I will take it! :)

I am doing a LOT of math. I was thinking I would like to be done by June, won't happen. I won't get there reasonably by June. I will be in the 140's by then. I want to be at 130. (yes 10 lbs, but still)
Then that would mean a LONG round of 76 days. I was hoping to lose 30 lbs this round, then do a 4th round RIGHT after a week or two of p3. Actually more of a 'take a week break to re-introduce high fat foods' and then continue. So more of a small interruption. I might still do it for 3 or 4 days when I lose 30 lbs, and then continue for the last 30 lbs? I just want to be DONE!!!!!!!!!!

I am sort of DONE with the diet in some respects. I want to eat normal. I just want to eat when I am hungry, even an apple w/ peanut butter. I am not asking to eat a whole cow or something. Keep up a healthy eating habit, but I enjoyed, after doing 2 LONG rounds of hcg just eating normal. Not thinking about how I am going to eat today, how much and when to maximize hunger control. I know this is only 2nd day diet whoas. :P I did get pretty good later on in the diet. But I find that I think more about food ON the diet now a days, then when I am off the diet.

anywho. I will figure it out. I have 60 more lbs to lose and then I am done. I got the majority of my weight off. I am under 200 and I really do feel and look great. Yes, plump, but I somehow feel so comfortable at this weight. (more like 190) I think it is because anything past 180 will be new for me since 12 years ago. I sat at 180 for such a long time, hovered 10/20 lbs higher for a while, but came back down. So this is my 'adult size' that I am used to. I am excited to see what is in store for me. I hope to lose 20 lbs in the next 4 weeks, which should put me well into size 16, maybe start to venture tightly into a 14. :D So that will really make life nice. Though I can't borrow jeans until I am size 12 though. :) hehe. I can fit into my mom's tops though!! :)

Have a wonderful day everyone. Thanks for such encouragement! Wish you all luck on whatever phase you are in right now!! :)

R3P2: Day 1

2010-03-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Weight: 200.2 lbs
Loss of: Starting
Total Loss: 0
Total over all: Gained since LDW

I'm starting after loading at 200.2. Luckly it SHOULD go below 199 tomorrow. I am going to try to eat my 500 today. I'm a little worried because I am using a new product and I did have a friend who seemed hungry on it, but 4 other people did just fine on it. So I shouldn't be so nervous, but it's all about the new.

I put 15 drops (they say 10 drops 3 x a day, some have said to go ahead and split it into 2 doses, which I like) under my tongue. Wait around 2 minutes and then slosh it around and swallow. DOesn't taste fancy, but it is not gaggable either. :) YEAY!

Yesterday I ate too much and threw up, but I was able to make up for it a little 3 hours later. LOL.

Today I plan to drink 3 liters of water, eat my 97% fat free hot dogs that are Kosher all beef. Some tomatoes, Maybe for dinner a tomato soup. Mmmmmmm. Maybe a apple. I will sorely miss peanut butter. Maybe if I get to mile stones I will allow it? But I want to be good my last 3 weeks to truly get the benefit from this diet. Dr. S talks about 3 week time frames, so I think that if I decide to do a 40 day round I should just be good. :P Hehe. I should not plan to cheat, it's only my first day. :P

So my son goes in 1/2 hour to his preschool!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D I hope it works out well. I hope that his potty training transfers to the class. I hope the kids like him. I hope that they and he play well together. I hope, I hope, I hope. My biggest hope is that he enjoys himself and wants to go there every week!!! :)

I am going to go boil some water for watered down green tea!

question: Has anyone used fiber pills on this diet? If so how did you do it? How many did you take, when? and what did you expect on weight gain that day?

R3: Loading Day 2

2010-03-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

So this is my last planned loading, but we will see how I feel tomorrow if I am 'fattened' enough Gobble Gobble!

I ate a berry pie for this morning with a cup of coffee with 1/2 of it filled with whipping cream. Allows for 2 glorious cups of coffee I won't have since I really like a little coffee with my cream. :)
I ate pie instead of cake. Thought it was too much to eat cake. :) hehe.

I am eating some naughty things because I CAN! I really don't allow it even when I had my 'time off' because it causes gains, and really isn't good for your body. Unless homemade cake w/ REAL ingredients. I will be detoxing this week, and then at least 40 days of nothing but GOOD wholesome stuff!!!! That will totally cleanse my body again. I am also wanting to stay away from non-organic beef if I can. Or eat what we have at the start, but then detox from red meat. I also want to colon cleanse as naturally as I can and it says 'stay away from red meat'

I am eating garbage today, though I don't have to I know. But I can, and want to get it out of my system.

I have around 60-70 (Loading weight) lbs to lose to get to 130 which is my new goal weight. I was thinking this would take 2 rounds? I am going to a more 'Dr S' way of doing rounds and not doing a 110 round. I really feel that if I eat too much fat I suffer because of that long round. It could be because I had previously had something covered up, but it still is new. heh. I need to introduce fat from time to time in my diet. So when I slow down I will add an ounce of cheese to get my gall bladder to pipe up! :)

For lunch: Pizza rolls w/ a big dallup of sour cream. Then it's cake in the afternoon, plus hopefully some crispy FRIED chicken tonight (if I can convince the husband to pick some up) hehe. :) From the grocery store will guarantee the highest fat!

My son, if all goes well, will be going into Preschool tomorrow! :D YEAY! I can't wait. I am going to bring a camera, maybe even my flip to take a little video, but I want to be respectful of the other parents and their kids, but this is not for general consumption, just family consumption! :)

So I need to go, my son is wanting to hunker by the stove till the Spaghetti is cooked. :) heh

R3: Loading Day 1

2010-03-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I hope to be more active WHILE I am on the diet then how active I was off the diet. So I am starting the diet again, this time with homeopathic drops and I plan to do this round by myself, and I can ALWAYS go to my doctor if necessary. I wanted to see if I can do this without checking in every 2-3 weeks w/ someone.

This gives me more freedom to feel comfortable doing the homeopathic that has worked for family and friends. This will allow me to try fiber pills and see what it does. I found out a 'diy colon cleanse' that is safe and natural is high fiber and green tea diet. So I am going to take some fiber pills and keep drinking my green tea. We eat so little on this diet it should give me the opportunity to 'cleanse' a little.

I actually feel really HEALTHY on the HCG diet. I feel full of energy and not so drained. Lately I have felt slushy. I think it's because I added some bread/carbs/starches back into my diet. I do feel a total difference. I just have a 'bread' lifestyle, though It is not nearly as bad as it once was though. I enjoy toast, or cereal for breakfast. I enjoy sandwhich's for lunch time.

I am totally living it up. We bought little single serving cake and pie, some chocolate goodness and ice cream. So I got my naughty stuff. I plan to do 2 days of loading, and adding a possible 3rd if it seems that my body isn't ready by the 3rd day.

I am going to weigh myself AFTER I have loaded for a grand total weight. I know I will go above 200 again. BOO HOO :( But it will work out because in 2 weeks I am sort of having high hopes that I will fit into the size 16 jeans I almost fit into comfortably. I am one inch short of fitting into those pants to the point I can actually SIT DOWN!

anywho. I have been away, I hope I still have some viewership! Give me a shout out. If you have any questions let me know. I will be happy to answer them!

On the home front: Life has been hectic. I have semi-started to find a 'full time real job' but it seems our finances are not as bleak, and it was mostly just stress of being home all day w/ a son who NEEDS TO GET OUT! I found a preschool that sounds PERFECT!! I would have put him in the 3 days a week class, but after the director and I talked, it sounded like the Tue/Thur class is a PERFECT fit for him!!!!!!! Wish him a lot of luck on this. I hope it is like fish to water for him and that he will LOVE not only being around other kids that he has so truly craved, but that that he knows this is not a 1 time thing, but a regular scheduled program that he doesn't have to be afraid that something good will come to only be taken away.

This is exciting for him and I don't want it to fall through. I will keep you guys updated! GIves me 2 1/2 hours a class time break! :)

P4: UPdate from a while

2010-03-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone,

I fell of the radar for a while. I have been just doing real life stuff. But I hope to be more updating.

I got off HCG at 193.8 lbs. I'm very happy with that. I feel sexy and look good. I still have a big butt, but hello! :)
So I did my 3 weeks of p3. My last week of p3 was in Mexico. I did eat Tortilla's and Margarittas and some wine. I came home at 194.8, which was .2 higher then I left for Mexico. :) YEAY!

I have been eating p4 stuff. I have enjoyed either an egg and toast in the morning, or a bowl of Kashi Cereal. Less crap in my food. I have been careful with what I put in my mouth. I much rather have an apple and peanut butter then a bad snack.

I find I eat healthier, but have allowed some popcorn, but not in the amount I used to eat every night pre-hcg. I did enjoy a costco pizza last night, plus 2 pieces of bread. I did know it was wrong, and I gained this morning. But honestly I feel okay. I'm at 193.6, I went down to 192.2 after I came back from vacation.

I will take a break for at least 2-3 more weeks. I enjoy trying to eat normal and manage my weight in p4. Then I plan on buying the homeopathic stuff and doing a round on my own. I just can't afford going to my doctor every 2 weeks. I really feel I don't have to buy the 100 dollar stuff and just do the 20 dollar stuff that works for my 2 friends who hover around the low 200's and my husband who lost 30 lbs.

I only have about 60 more lbs. I am not going to force myself to 120 lbs like I was thinking. If I get into a size 8 or lower and LOOK and FEEL healthy I will be okay. It's been nice just to eat normal. I feel like food has no real power over me and I just eat to nourish and move on. It's been nice to feel so free. I still will go back to HCG. Just don't feel so hurried to 'get it done'.

SOrry I have been so out of touch with my internet friends! I do appreciate you all. Just have been doing 'real life' stuff. :P hehe.

R2P2: Day 53

2010-02-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

Weight: 193.8 lbs
Loss of: 1 lb today
Total Loss: 30 lb
Total over all 90

Sorry I have been gone. Numbers since I wasn't posting:
VLCD DAY, DAy, DAy, weight, Loss/gain
46 Fri 29-Jan 196.2 1.6
47 Sat 30-Jan 195.8 0.4
48 Sun 31-Jan 195.2 0.6
49 Mon 1-Feb 195.2 0
50 Tue 2-Feb 193.6 1.6
51 Wed 3-Feb 194.4 -0.8
52 Thur 4-Feb 194.8 -0.4
53 Fri 5-Feb 193.8 1

So, I have had some trouble around 200.6 but finally have gotten away from that slump. WOOT!

I have been busy with a clients website that I am trying to finish. It is harder than thought, plus I have a kid who has been pretty needy because we have a lot going on around the house. I have also been doing a lot of calling to daycare facilities and apartments. We are thinking of moving if I get work up North.

Feb is my clean out month. I will try to dump as much stuff as possible and have a cleaner home if we don't move, but also less stuff to pack if we do move.

Just a LOT going on. I haven't focused too much on the diet but it's been turned into a 'regular' thing in my life now too. Which is good so I focus less on it.

Okay. So my friends who are doing the diet have told me some stuff: 1. Hebrew Nation 97% fat free hotdogs work on this diet. they are whole beef franks. They work. It's nice to microwave them and eat them w/ some mustard.

I have also tried a mushroom. mmmmmm. my husband makes a mushroom soup to die for. Yes, not protocol food, but some have included it, I wanted a change.

I think it would be easier to stick to this diet if it was 40 days and then regular stuff. I think people should do no more then 40 days honestly. But since my doctor is having me go all the way I tend to get a bit tired of things over all. So I will add a slice of cheese once in a while because it's like I want my body to remember it has a gall bladder!! heh.

I go on vacation at the end of the month. WHich will give me a break. I will start p3 just as soon as my meds run out. :) yeay! I am looking foward to it, though I have enjoyed being smaller.

I can fit into a size 16 jean but I just stand there. heh. Can't move, but I can zip it up! I'm getting there. I am 1/2 way through this round that I was last round. I did 110 days. I'm at 53 now. It feels the same length. I guess it's that I'm thinner and i feel SO GREAT! I feel like I look so great! Now I understand why I had sat at 180 for so long, it wasn't like I was a balloon, just very curvy! :)hehe. I did have a flatish stomach at 180. But I plan to go to 123!

anyways. I need to get back to work! Talk more later, hope to post more frequently and get back into things. :P Good luck on that right? Give me till next week actually! :)

R2P2: Day 46

2010-01-29T12:17:00.000-08:00

Weight: 196.2 lbs
Loss of: 1.6 lb today
Total Loss: 27.6 lb
Total over all 87.6

Morning Folks!

So I'm releasing fat at an amazing rate this week. I think my body is apologizing for the stall by these amazing losses. :) YEAY!

I have about 5-6 bags I put on my front porch of fat clothes and some baby clothes (from my son) that ARC picked up today. Purging is good! I have a bathtub we do not use up stairs. I have decided to use it as my 'get rid of' place so I can close the doors and Not look at it, but then just grab bags and fill them up. I put towels, clothes, books, anything that will 'get OUT of my house'. Also one less bathtub to use and have to have cleaned. :) heh. I have started using this bathroom as my bathroom and let my husband have his own. We have two full bathrooms upstairs. We just don't need that. We have one downstairs (but a guest bath). Anywho.

So last night I had cod smothered in a mustard with cauliflower. Pretty good. I would rather bake it with tomatoes and basil like my brother in law did. He is on the diet and already fits into pants that have been aluding him! :) YEAY HIM! He has 30 lbs he wants to lose. One observation he has made- this diet he is not losing in his face right away. All I can tell him is that in past diets he must have been losing structural fat or something. My face didn't get 'BAM" thinner... but it was in stages. I do see my face now and feel it's weird and too thin. NOt ghost thin, but you can see my cheak bones. I will need a picture to show you. I don't like it totally. I never minded a slightly plumper face. LOL. My face looks so long now. Which makes haircuts nicer.

This diet sure takes its time with problem areas, but it's an equal opportunity protocol. It takes all over the place giving us an even look. Makes the whole process look very natural. It's nice. My thighs are going down nicely! :) I haven't worn my jeans in a week. (Buming around the house in baggier pants) I'm curious how they will look on me, in the past pre-diet I was scared on not trying on pants for a week, normally I would outgrow them a little. :P Always hated the washer/dryer. Now I put them in to get more wear out of the pants! :) LOL

anywho. Have a wonderful day in your phase doing what you need to do! :)

R2P2: Day 45

2010-01-28T15:26:00.000-08:00

Weight: 197.8 lbs
Loss of: 1 lb today
Total Loss: 26 lb
Total over all 86

Hello Ladies,

I think I am out of my slump. I was losing inches but not pounds and now I am losing pounds! YEay!

This last week has been a bit stressful. Our house feels a bit more in order so I can deal. I have some things I need done on my plate. I just need to finish things and take the time. I just lake motivation lately. No clue why, but I do.

I sewed a bunch of dice bags this week for the win! :) heh. I now I have to update a clients website. I need time for that, and I haven't found it as much as I wanted. But I need to get it done!

I have 'explored' a bit more with my food. I have done a quick dish of tuna or chicken in a can with tomatoes and mustard. Oh my that is good. Fast and easy and tasty! :) A winning combo.

I have wonderful arms again. I loved my arms. they always got so thin but I look at them from the side and I see the droop. Toning will take that away I know, but It is still there to observe. heh.

Off to take some time working on the website. Talk to you gals later. Thanks for being here with me. Sorry I haven't read much of other blogs lately. My ipod app is broken and doesn't let me read your blogs. It is much harder for me to sit at my computer and read them. :( But I will make the effort. I"m sorry I'm so far behind lately! :P

R2P2: Day 43

2010-01-26T13:18:00.000-08:00

Weight: 199.2 lbs
Loss of: 1.4 lb today
Total Loss: 24.6 lb
Total over all 84.6

So I broke into Onderland!!

now everyone be really quiet. Lets not scare that away!

I've been stuck at 200.6 for forever! okay, maybe a week, but it felt forever!

So we will see. I've been putting my head in the sand lately. I've been unmovitated in various areas, but I have dumped several bags of size 26 clothes to the curb for ARC organization to pick up! :) I'm trying to empty the house.

I need to sew bags though.

I hope my mood picks up now that I am hopefully on a downward loss! :)

R2P2: Day 39

2010-01-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

Weight: 200.6 lbs
Loss of: 0 lb today
Total Loss: 23.2 lb
Total over all 83.2

4th verse same as the first? heh.

So ya, Same wait for the 4th day! :P I think I am sitting here for a while. This has to be a past set point. Only down point of the diet it seems. HEHE.

I'm almost done with my drops, but I have another bottle that I will be taking up till my vacation. I think I will be off HCG for 2 weeks this time. I can deal with that.

I am noticing that my body is shrinking, though the numbers are not. Did you notice this too when you hit a past weight?

We cleaned the rooms yesterday. The couch is moved in the corner w/ the tv. It's very cute. There is a lot of junk stuff, but the furniture it moved, now I can go in and declutter.

Lavender- I'm happy you mentioned it. I think It came to me when you wrote that post! :) I got too scared to get rid of it, we might move in the next year, and I could use that couch in the family room. I want a living room and family if possible! :)

I was sewing like a mad woman yesterday as well. I got my 2 special orders finished, and then I have a bunch of 1/2 finished bags that just need the lip hemmed over.

I have a friend who's wife needs a dress. I'm looking forward to making a dress for her, and bonding with her. I play online video games with my husband and a bunch of friends. I want to get to know the wifes as well!! They don't geek out like I do. SIGH. I wish more would, we do have a couple wifes that play, but not enough! heh.

I didn't want to be bummed about my lack of loss but this is ridiculous. I think what is going on is that I wonder "What am I doing wrong?" but I'm not, so it's the weight that is currently stuck. But I feel like it's my fault somehow. Maybe I shouldn't eat burger. Maybe I should ... I don't know. hehe. I said I would enjoy burger this time because it started to get a bit chicken chicken chicken for me. Heh.

anyways. It will happen soon! It will. Wish me luck!

quick update: Take care of yourselves

2010-01-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

I was sitting and thinking. My mom got a huge health scare this week, but the check up found out that she is fine.

It made me think today, what if she was sick? What if she was going to die soon? I would miss her and I don't want her to die.

Which got me thinking. We don't really take good care of ourselves do we? Many of us on the diet are taking control and finally getting healthier, but I'm a daughter who will lose their mother one day. She takes fairly good care of herself for the most part. She has made it a goal to see my son graduate. So that motivates her.

I think of myself and what I put in my body and I go, my son will feel the same fears of losing a mother one day. I want to be there as long as possible for him.

I think we should all realize, it's not just ourselves that we need to be healthy for, but those people who love us, children or mates. Good friends. The neighbor who enjoys meeting you at the mailbox. Your death will leave a hole in this world.

If you don't take care of yourself for you, then think of those around you. Let that motivate you to live one more year longer.

Go to the your doctor, may it be a naturalpath or western typical. Maybe it be blood work, or mammogram. Make sure you keep your mental wellness in check as well. It's not fun to just have a body sitting in a wheel chair when you can't communicate with the person! So it's the whole package deal folks!

Please, keep yourself aware of your body, mind and soul! :)

R2P2: Day 38

2010-01-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

Weight: 200.6 lbs
Loss of: .8 lb today
Total Loss: 23.2 lb
Total over all 83.2

3rd verse, same as the 2nd and 1st. :P GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life!!!!! Okay, for the next week. I am SERIOUSLY being teased! I mean. this is a monumental moment to get under. To be in ... ONEDERLAND! (I LOVE that) But NOoooooo. My body says "Wait for it.... Wait for it...." I"m waiting!!!

I forgot to eat yesterday for the most part. heh. I noticed I hadn't consumed anything at 2pm, then I realized with a start "oh crap, I forgot the hcg" So I took a day off from the hcg to see if I can kick start this diet again. :P
I ate late, drank late and went to bed pretty late.

So today is hcg again and a small cheat. I realize that small cheats are getting me to get lower. :P but I won't make that a habit. hehe.

btw: I got a hair cut! :) I Feel 100000X's better. It's 3 inches shorter from long to medium long. I love it. I got it layered and frames my face. Very nice. I'm happy with it.

Though I am not changing on the scale, I do notice that my body is getting smaller. My clothes are fitting better. I look thinner. So I know I am losing inches.

Off to eat and drink! I can't forget. and I won't because I woke up a bit peckish.

R2P2: Day 36

2010-01-20T11:59:00.000-08:00

Weight: 200.6 lbs
Loss of: .8 lb today
Total Loss: 23.2 lb
Total over all 83.2

Hey Folks,

I wasn't going to let the scale get me down, but it is. This has been a hard week for me. I hate being sick. I hate feeling drained. I hate feeling overwhelmed.

The house has gotten to be a total mess. When we redid the floors we moved some furniture upstairs. It is still upstairs taking space. It seems like I live in a total mess, and any time I get headway, the next 'big thing' happens to make my house a mess.

I don't need Martha steward, but I just need organized and clean. I hate that my kid gets popcorn and he feels this need to dump it allllll over. SIGH! Then I get to clean it up.
I hate that I clean up the kitchen till it sparkles, and then it gets messed up by the next morning.

I'm tired. I'm just drained and tired right now. The cold has wiped me. I'm drained when I see the house a mess, and I know I need to get it picked up to feel better. I'm going to look for another cleaning lady. They always 'reset' the house so I feel less overwhelmed and can move forward.
I have a couch that my mom gave me. Expensive nice couch. But it's not fitting into our livestyle anymore. It's a little worn from years of use, and a child. It's not a bad couch, but nothing I would 'sell' because it's not in mint condition. So I want to give it away. But I am so hung up on my mom spending so much money on that stupid couch. It would be a shame just to give it away, but it's taking up 1/2 a bedroom because it doesn't fit in the living room anymore.

Okay- I am just overwhelmed, tired and drained. I'm taking things one at a time. I have a laundry list of things i need to do. Today its cut my fabric to sew bags for a store that buys my bags for dice bags. I need to do that. It's not only some money for me, but it is also inventory they need. Tomorrow I will sew them. I need to write a list of all the 'todo's and get a plan. Just too much to do!

quick OMG moment! - I've got his pants!

2010-01-19T19:51:00.000-08:00

So, I thought for Shoot's and Giggles I would try on my husbands size 38 pants. We wanted to give them away so who cares right. Let me try them on. He is now sitting at a size 34.

THEY FIT! THEY REALLY FIT!
Those freaking pants actually fit me. Normally I would have had to sewn both pant holes together to fit one of my thighs. I was totally freaked out by this. In a good way.

I'm trying to clean up his "PILE" of clothes. We found a shirt he gave me for Xmas but I didn't fit into anymore. Size XXL t-shirt with Foamy the Squirrel logo. Well, that thing can now become a tent for me!

I miss out on having a piece of outfit to 'try' to fit into every 2-3 weeks. Everything fits me now. I had gotten rid of all my under size 18. Dresses, pants, my high school clothes I finally gave up on. Sigh. They were SO freaking awesome! You know the kind- the cool tights with the BIG sweaters. :D I'm a early 90's girl.
anywho. New clothes! :) MOve on!

But it's nice to have those little jewels. I even grabbed a shirt my mother had given me to cut up. It was a size 12. I can fit into that. I just need to go to goodwill and spend a hard earned 4 dollars on a few things I can 'fit into' before I just give it back to them. ;) I even fit in my my mom's size 2 Chico's shirt she gave me. FREEDOM!

anyways. I was so freaking blown away by the pants I had to share: Size 38 x 34. That is what I wear in a Mans pant! :)

R2P2: Day 36

2010-01-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

Weight: 200.6 lbs
Loss of: .8 lb today
Total Loss: 23.2 lb
Total over all 83.2

MOrning folks.

I think I have finished the path of ick. I go to the doctors today. I feel better today, just a bit tired from waking up earlier then I want.

My son gets to go on a train with oma and opa today. Their way of doing something with him and babysitting while I go to the doctor.

So I was frustrated with losing nothing on the antibiotics so I decided to take 2 proboitics yesterday and a slice of cheese. I couldn't take it anymore. I was like "If I won't lose being so good, I'm eating cheese!"

It's a cheat, but at the same time I'm doing good with eating a bit of cheese to get some real fat into my body. Sounds weird I bet, but I am so scared of the gall bladder attacking me again I think I do the cheats for that purpose.
It doesn't help that these cheats seem to get me lower on the scale. I am, though, definatly, losing inches. I fit better in my clothes, especially the shirts.

By far, the 2nd round has been the hardest. I crave things more then I did the first round. I also realize around the 40th day I go bonkers for food on top of it.

I ate 2 apples yesterday because I got hungry in the afternoon and I have stopped eating fruit in the morning. Sigh. No clue why, just don't. I realized in the after noon being so freaking hungry that I should eat something and I had an extra fruit. I think 2 apples is a bit much, but they are cheap and easy to deal with. I don't like frozen strawberries as much. I don't like frozen fruit for that matter I realized. I will tolerate and have a smoothy from time to time, but honestly- fresh is where it is at! They taste 100 times better. All my grape fruit is sitting in the garage getting over ripe. :P I hate that. I hate wasting food so I will find the best ones. :)

Well, the kid wants to play on 'mommy's computer' so I will stop blabbing and get some work done around the house till I need to leave. :) I always get in trouble with the time when I blog. :) heh.

2010-01-17T22:12:00.000-08:00

R2P2: Day 33
Weight: 201.4 lbs
Loss of: .2 lb today
Total Loss: 22.4 lb
Total over all 82.4

Second Verse, Same as the first.

So two days sitting at 201.8, now the 2nd day of sitting at 201.4. SiGH!

I blame the antibiotics. :P But I do feel a lot better!

So, I will be taking 1 mroe day of the antibiotics and then its off for a dose of probotics. :D YEAY! My tummy will feel MUCH better! :)

My cold is waning. I'm feeling better than craptastic now! :) My son has been really good for a 3year old through this process.

It's funny, I bought some more costco underware in size Large 2 weeks ago, now I seem to be ready for Medium!

Another cool thing- my mom is thin. She wears a size 14 bathing suit. She is much taller than me, so it's expected. By the Mexico trip I should be just fine for my size 14 bathing suit! WOOT! I can put it on, but it's a Tiny bit too small. 20 lbs will do wonders! If I can ever get there. SIgh. I will. We will see how it goes after I get probotics in my system.

anywho. Did I tell you my asparagus recipe? I normally would take a powered packet of asparagus soup out of my cupboard and heat it in water, but not for p2. So I was sad because you can't get the soup in America, so we always get them from Mexico or Germany.
Now I take a serving of asparagus, a serving of chicken, cut it all up in a mixing bowl, fill it up with water and microwave it. (Read: Lazy) Then after about 7 to 8 minutes I try the asparagus to see if it is done. Then blend it (careful! hot stuff!) and EAT! mmmmmmmm. It was a little watery tonight, but just put less water, but I usee the stuff I boil the asparagus in. :) enjoy!

okay. :) Take care folks!

R2P2: Day 31

2010-01-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

Weight: 201.8 lbs
Loss of: 1.2 lb today
Total Loss: 22 lb
Total over all 82

I'm feeling craptastic! :)

Antibotics. Neti pot 2x a day. Sleeping while laying up. Not comfy but at least it gives my ears a chance to drain.

My right ear seems less clogged, thus doing better. My left ear feels more clogged and thus is doing worse. SIGH!

I will be trying some vinegar in the ears, and doing the oil thing as suggested. I would rather do these things, but with ears I get so sensitive and head for antibotics though new studies show you shoulnd't. :P Old habits die hard!

I had a movement today and the scale went UP! :P Someone needs to train that scale that that is NOT the way it works! If you eliminate you go DOWN! heh.

anywho.

R2P2: Day 30

2010-01-14T16:03:00.000-08:00

Weight: 201.8 lbs
Loss of: 1.2 lb today
Total Loss: 22 lb
Total over all 82

My cold has moved from my brain into my face. :( I have been gifted with infection in both ears. My doctor is prescribing, blech, antibiotics. :( I will have my pro-botic on hand!

I've been using the neti pot today, plus took a claritin D to help decongest me a bit. My ears are a mess, my drain pipes don't work. I need to, after I get better, really pursue this. My chiropractor has worked on opening me up, as has my doctor. Nothing seems to work. I think they are tiny and don't work. My ears always feel plugged.

any ideas for home remedies for unplugging ears?

I hate being sick! :( But on the bright side, I did lose some today.
I took 1 day off from the hcg, but continue to eat the 500. Then the next day you go back onto the hcg and have a decent 'cheat'. So I had .88 ounces of cheese and a small teaspoon of peanut butter at the end of the day with my apples. Mmmmm. Happy Steffi! :)

Take care all! Please keep yourselves healthy or on the way to recovery if you got this bad cold!

R2P2: Day 30

2010-01-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

Weight: 203 lbs
Loss of: .2 lb today
Total Loss: 20.8 lb
Total over all 80.8

The same. Sigh. I did eat some extra chicken last night because I was WAY hungry. I only took 1 day off from hcg. I'm sticking with it till the end of February for my 2nd 'one week off' for Mexico.

Good news: My husband can come to Mexico. Now to buy him a ticket with our mileage! :D yeay me! Yeay my husband! :)

I'm feeling like crap still. I tried the warm wet socks and warm dry socks under warm blankets, but my blankets wouldn't be nice to me. Every time I moved the socks would feel so COLD! I think it worked a little, I took them off at 5am after going to bed at around 1am. I was SO HUNGRY and miserable that I ate 5 oz of grapefruit and a cup of warm tea water. I think that is why I also didn't lose.

I'm developing a pregnancy bump in front because my sides have gone down so much. I LOOK fatter because my tummy in front is all by it's self. No side fat to make it look thinner! :)

Thank you new posters. I appreciate your feedback and that I can help or inspire or pass along something you might not have heard. I also love my old posters too! I have grown to enjoy you guys as a family! I look forward to seeing encouraging words. I look forward to finding out what you all are up to! I might be the lazy niece/aunt in the back but I do get off my butt once in a while!

okay- I'm off to drink more tea and take a couple asprin. Maybe some more resting on couch will help!

R2P2: Day 29

2010-01-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

Weight: 203 lbs
Loss of: .2 lb today
Total Loss: 20.8 lb
Total over all 80.8

My head cold is worse. I can breath, but I plan on using christy's advice w/ the socks tonight. I totally forgot last night after I was already snug in bed.

I took my vitamins. I will take a b-12 again and maybe a cranberry pill.

I am not taking hcg today because low losses for the last 3 days. Then tomorrow a small cheat. Should help speed things up again.

Laters!

R2P2: Day 28

2010-01-11T15:17:00.000-08:00

Weight: 203.2 lbs
Loss of: .4 lb today
Total Loss: 20.6 lb
Total over all 80.6

You know what sort of sucks. Losing 80 lbs and having a candid 'on an event' picture taken of you and you still look fatter then you feel. heh. :P

I got a headcold and today is the big 'ikcy' feeling day. I took: 1 asprin, my 2 multi-vitamin, potassium, and a B-12. I will take some cayenne pepper pills later to help. I also used the Neti-pot to clear out my nose a little. Still feel pretty miserable. :P But will manage.

I was spending too much time over at Christy in Seattle's blog. ;) hehe JUST JOKING! I think I got it either from my mother or running errands. I blame my period and low immune system. I also wasn't good at taking my vitamines. :P Sigh.

I made some chicken broth soup. The chicken tastes very broken apart, but the broth is most excellent!

I'm going to get maxiumum rest and pump myself reasonably with vitamins and b-12.
Any other symtom drowning ideas/advice would be welcome! I know we can't get rid of the cold, but I don't mind getting rid of the crappy feeling. :)

Tomorrow if I don't lose more then .5 I will be taking a day off per my doctors request. She said if I loss less then .5 for 3 days that I take a day off from hcg, do the 500 VLCD, then go back onto hcg the day after and have a cheat. Not a whole pie cheat, but eat a piece of cheese sort of cheat. Maybe add a boiled egg. mmmmm. I think this will kick start me.
I know that I can do this once a week if need be. I don't think I care about the loss so much as being able to cheat. :P THis round has been really focused on the 'don't cheat now steff'. This round has been harder in my willpower. My first round wasn't this tough. I mean cheats like - oh, I would love a hot dog like i used to have.

We used to do that in the house, and my husband did it this weekend. Got hot dog buns, and would make a hot dog with ketchup. I would cover it with mustard. I never liked ketchup for it's sugar. And then a side of Frito's. I miss that, and I didn't even know it. It was so trivial at the time. A food to make when we were having a family lazy day at home. mmmmmmmmmm. I miss that. I will have that on my next break. Maybe have hot dogs for lunch in Mexico. mmmmmm. heh.

We are still working on getting the husband along. His boss is out today. :S When he is wanted the most. heh.

My brother in law is going to start the diet. He is on a medication. I have to find out if he talked to his doctor, but has anyone known of medication messing with hcg, or vis versa? I adviced him to go to this doctor, we will see what the doctor said, if the guy even knew about hcg. I don't want to set up my brother in law for something bad. I am not on meds, nor was my husband. I have friends that are not on meds either so it's easy to say 'read the manual and learn' We did a lot of talking and we talked often till it was old hat for us all. I'm still learning things.

anyways. Talk later. Off to go finish my soup and hide under a blanket reading a good book. :) or doze. heh

R2P2: Day 27

2010-01-10T17:11:00.000-08:00

Weight: 203.6 lbs
Loss of: 1 lb today
Total Loss: 20.2 lb
Total over all 80.2

No movement on the scale. I did take a smallllll bite of my husbands pizza yesterday because I was dying w/o food. I had a serious sugar crash. Tiny bite did help. SO I attribute it to that. Yes, a cheat, but we were no where around for good food. I should have gotten a salad with chicken while at Costco, but thought I could make it home. heh.

THough I bet I wouldn't have lost even if I did eat that. I didn't get all my water in and no losses are bound to happen.

I've been so focused on moving forward and adding to my total weight, that I forget to look at how I am really doing this time. Wow. 20 lbs so far. That is pretty impressive over all to me and I am totally seeing my body become thinner. It's nice.

I don't feel so ROUND anymore. I'm short so I become more round. heh.

We watched a movie, my husband and I. I ate before hand this time, I also brought in a grape fruit, but I wasn't going to bring in my water bottle nor was I going to pay 3 dollars for water. I was thirsty but had a good dose of water before I went in. All in all we saved ourselves 100 bucks ;) LOL. We didn't buy soda or popcorn. We had been getting use to buying water for 2.50 and the kids popcorn and candy box. I get the popcorn and the hubby gets the candy. I don't really enjoy candy as I do popcorn. I LOVE popcorn. Sigh. No popcorn for me. We even moved to an air popper because I started eating micro-popcorn every night. Expensive after a while in both wallet and health. There is crap in the popcorn stuff, and you can control butter/salt ratio yourself on air popped. I miss it. Sigh. My favorite nightly snack. HUGE bowl of popping corn w/ a little butter on top. Maybe some salt.

It's funny, I never know what I will write in these blogs, and I amuse myself where they end up. It's like, wow. I wrote a lot about popcorn.

Wish our household a little luck that my husband will be able to go on vacation!

I am hoping to reach 180 before that vacation! My stupid arbitrary goal. It will just keep me on the strait and narrow though. I will totally take whatever comes. I just want to fit better in the size 14 swimsuit and all.

Well, off to my mother's for dinner of roasted cauliflower and chicken. OH I will share my REAL asparagus and chicken soup. Mmmmm

R2P2: Day 26

2010-01-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

Weight: 203.6 lbs
Loss of: 1 lb today
Total Loss: 20.2 lb
Total over all 80.2

Hello All,

So I bought a size 14 swimsuit at Costco. :D I can fit into it!! I am too big for it, but in 30 lbs I should be good. They won't have the suits in a couple months so I thought i would.

I have lost 80 lbs so far! YEAY!

I'm tired and grouchy and I stood up for myself a bit too much at the store today. We were in the self check out. A lady cut in line, I got a bit loud on it, and she and her husband gave us a look. I was like, um your rude to cut in line, please get back into your line. She said it was too slow. Then I told her that she choose to cut in front of us on the slow line and needs to not cut in front of me again!

One of those self check out lanes at Walmart, 2 on one side, and 2 on the other side. You stand in the middle and wait. She and her husband just cut on the right side. We made slightly elevated "I can't believe that" remarks to each other (me and the 2 other people she cut in front) then when that line was too slow she moved over to the left side. We were agast. I said something, I got nasty looks from her. :P I had people behind me actually talk loudly about 'Oh my god, what is that lady doing' and when I turned around and apologized they were like "No, good for you, we are talking about the line cutter" heh. I was so upset that i had to walk out and let my husband finish the purchase. The lady wouldn't even leave after the clerk asked her to get back on her side.

I realized, I am tired of being taken advantage of, or have people do the 'wrong thing' and then get upset when I call it out. Like my friend saying things about my son and if I tell him to be more reserved, he would get upset at me standing up for myself. WHY WHY WHY do people get upset when others stand up for themsevles? What is wrong witht he world?

Ya, maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, but it was so infurating. I'm not having a good week am I? hehe.

But my losses make up for it!

I did stay up till 3am watching movies though. It was fun. I started Bleak HOuse. WOW that is a cool show. realized it was long at around 2:30, I would have stayed up later if it wasn't for my son waking up. I went up there to check on him, and I fell asleep. heh. anywho.

Sorry I have been posting such bitchy posts lately. I'm doing okay over all. Like any sane person I need sleep and food. (Oh, it was 3:30 at the time and I hadn't eaten all day except for 3 slices of grapefruit and a bite of chicken at home around 11am. :P Not good on this diet to go out on errands when you haven't had lunch. :P

But I'm totally stoked for the swimsuit AND my husband is going to try to get the time off if possible. I told him It wouldn't be a family vacation with out him. I would miss him too much. I want him to be a part of this whole adventure! Also a wife in a sexy swimsuit! hehe.

R2P2: Day 25

2010-01-08T11:18:00.000-08:00

Weight: 204.6 lbs
Loss of: 1.4 lb today
Total Loss: 19.2 lb
Total over all 79.2

Morning,
I've been bored of eating. I would love a pill that just makes me satisfied. heh. My husband has gone back to work and is gone a good portion of the day (12 hours) and our son isn't dealing well over all with that. He won't go to bed easily. Serious Seperation Anxiety. I don't know what is the best gentle way to dealing with this. Do we just give him a lot of daddy time when he is home or try to limit it even further to get him to calm out? Should daddy put him to bed or should I?

This morning was really good, last night putting little guy to bed was not. It didn't help that I had a friend over that was all "He's three right..." and sort of tried to imply a lot. He has called my son a brat in the past and it really gets my blood boiling. I try to explain but it doesn't get through. Our son has some bratty attitudes, but I'm sorry, our kid won't turn off like some robot nor does our child get put into a box like a yappy dog. He is a freaking kid. I know my friend is upset in a way that we had a kid because it disrupts his way of life with us. :S Oh well. He is though, complicated enough that it's not just cut and dry. He has moments where he really interacts well with our son and for the most part, our son gets sad when he leaves.
It's just a stress for me because everyone has a strong opinion (read into that- a serious 'you better do this for me' ) of what we should be doing with our son. Dont give him that, do give him that, oh, he should have this skill already, oh he should be doing that. Leave me and my son alone, and let my family - daddy, mommy and child - deal with how we are going to deal with this. If you don't like what we are doing, your more then welcome not to come over, your more then welcome to not have him at your home. I respect that. But he is such a good kid. He is polite, he says thank you, and please. He is very curious and detailed. He is already a bit OC, granted. He plays SO amazing with stranger kids in play areas. He is very gentle with kids he see's as younger than him. If reminded to share he will gladly give his toy to the younger kids, though he does get a bit defensive about older kids. I don't blame him, every time we are in the children's museum the older kids try to grab all the trains from him. No one really plays with him at the playground, but he tries. God that breaks my heart. To have two older kids ignore my son, yet this little guy chases them and tries to partake. He is NOT a bad kid and I wish people would just BACK OFF! Yes, he gets a LOT of love from us, and that sometimes means he gets a little more from us. he gets to stay up later because it works for all of us in the family. No he is not poddy trained because I haven't figured it out. Yes he uses the poddy when asked, he actually can sit on the big poddy by himself.

I guess I am protective of me and my family and I get grumpy when people want something for my son that I really don't think he needs. He has so many amazing qualities and it's my right to mess him up! I don't need help! heh.

I'm doing okay over all. The pms has worn off. I just have been tired. We are dealing with some MAJOR seperation anxiety by my son and husband. He wants 100% of my husband attention and that is wearing us all a bit thin because it's right now so extreme. We have never had this. He is good when we drop him off at grandparents. Though Today has been good. he hasn't woken up in the middle of the night screaming for daddy.(Okay he did at 10pm ) but not after we all went to bed. He even said, as we both came downstairs "Daddy's at work" and moved on to his computer. Lets hope this works! :) Lets hope whatever happened stays this way!

Ya, I know I posted a lot about my kid, but I guess I always get this way after a night that doesn't go perfect smooth for my friend and he has to start degrading my child. I tried to explain and I said "forget it" and ignored him. But unfortunately I still carry around the upset.

anywho. I'm proud of my progress with weight loss. I had some smaller losses and then BAM! :) I like these big losses. With such progress as I am doing right now I can be to 180 by the time I step onto the airplane at the end of Feb.

Wishing everyone a good day!

R2P2: Day 24

2010-01-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

Weight: 206 lbs
Loss of: .4 lb today
Total Loss: 17.8 lb
Total over all 77.8

Morning Folks!
I'm catching up on many of your blogs! I just need to respond to several of them. I read them in the tub, then email certain entries I want to comment on. I can't comment to them on the ipod. :(

I'm a tiny, tiny bit disappointed on the recent slow down. But at the same time I told myself I wouldn't so by the time I finish writing this I will be okay! :) heh. I have thinner thighs. OH I forgot to mention I didn't have to walk sideways through the plane when I went to San Diego for the cruise. I didn't bump into people and have to say "excuse me... pardon me" (THUNDER THIGHS COMING THROUGH)

I find little things I am grateful for. It's fun to see how many little things come into our lives to make us grateful to be alive, even when a big piece of turd gets dropped into our laps. Regardless of what it is.
Is'nt life, in the end, about the little things? So many little things. There are more tiny bugs in this world than there are large creatures. ya. Think about that.

I see Christy In Seattle is GOING RED! and making a statement about many things in her life she wants to change or bring HUGE awareness of. I so agree. I am willing to promote her GOING RED but I think it really has motivated me to go Pink for breast cancer (both my aunt and grandmother dealt with it, my grandmother twice) and something that is near and dear to me is my mom's Rheumatoid arthritis. This horrible disease does not allow her to do all the things she used to love. She loved to Run and be very mobile. She is doing her best now, but she does medicate. She is in pain.

I do hate that there are so many things out there that hurt people. So many diseases that have causes behind them to help find a cure, bring awareness and get rid of it. Sometimes I wonder if we look at what causes these things, it seem it's enviroment, what we put in our body, yet there are so many people out there that are apathetic to what they put into their bodies. where they choose to live that if they thought about it for 2 seconds they would realize it's killing them.

I think, us on hcg, are learning the food aspect of the 'it's killing me' syndrome. That these industries allow for such things. They are killing off their user base? But "We'll make more" mentality is out there. We are in the fast lane! We are speed! We need it today or it's too late! Who cares if it kills us! Oh, the big companies take our health into consideration, why would they want to hurt us? Because it's cheaper, someone elses lively hood is at stake. It's about the MOney! Not the health. That's why our health care sucks in the USA. More doctors go to specific fields because it pays off the loans and makes them money. We have a shortage of general practitioners. We need more doctors in our area, yet when two clinics opened up in the same area, there was a squabble of 'this is my turf' F@(#& OFF people! It's about the people, not about your bottom line. Okay, to stay open it's about the bottom line but come on. There is enough sick people in need of general doctors!

Wow I am rambling all over the place. I'm just opening up and letting it out. And of course I need to leave in 15 minutes for a doctors appointment. LOL. I've done nothing. gaw. hehe. I see the 'crack your bones' doctor. I love him. He is so awesome. One of the only doctors office that doesn't look like one, more like a meditation facility. My son doesn't mind either. he is afraid of doc offices.
anywho. I better go and get something to eat. :P

The tickets are bought

2010-01-06T14:23:00.000-08:00

I'm going to Mexico!

My father misunderstood the buying process online and I found out from a rep that they save 30% of seating for people like me with young kids. So they will make sure that we get a seat next to each other!! :D :D :D

So Here I come Sunny Mexico! Hopefully 30 lbs lighter. You better believe I am going to use it as a goal to see how much I lose! :D I will do no cheating so I can maximize my loss and enjoy another week of interuption! This won't happen till the start of March. :D

I could be 180 by march! :D I'm feeling very happy about this. Pulled me out of my funk. :) I will stay with my parents, and I am bringing my kid. My husband can't go because of his job situation. Otherwise we would have bought 3 tickets. But he wants this, I told him I wouldn't go, but he wants our son to have a week with out daddy to see if he will start looking to me more and not relying on daddy all the time. My week away from our child did a lot of good for him to understand people being gone yet coming back.

I'm going to the Beach! :D My son LOVES the beach. He cries sometimes when he sees the video of the beach and asks to go. We have to tell him next year. anyways. Enough chatter. Just had to share the good news!

R2P2: Day 23

2010-01-06T12:08:00.000-08:00

Weight: 206.4 lbs
Loss of: .8 lb today
Total Loss: 17.4 lb
Total over all 77.4

So I was a bit long winded yesterday. I blame it on the PMS.

I do want to clarify something. I used to go into black out rages. I don't anymore. I have come a long way after getting married. Husband working through some of my issues with me. I am just a frustrated person trying to be perfect and it bothers me and makes me very upset. I have been really good in the last several months, I haven't raised my voice much at all. I'm actually tired of my son saying "Mommy calm down" lol.

I'm doing okay over all. I am just having a bad bought of pms this week for some reason. Everything is just ticking me off and I went and took a long bath last night and watched 2 movies by myself. It was very refreshing. I feel a lot better this morning, but the pms bug is still nagging at me to be in a lousy mood. Didn't help that my kid is waking up at 4am going "Where is daddy!" I'm like "Kid, he is at work please go back to bed!" Luckly the then let me sleep till 11:30, though I'm so Freaking tired still.

Went to my doctors, and she told me not to take cheat days unless I am losing less then .5 for 3 days. Then take one day off the meds and still do the 500, then the next day enjoy a cheat. Normally this has upped my losses afterwards, so it's not so much cheating as it's helping the diet. :) I'm losing so well this round (though I lost a week due to big cheats for holidays) that I want to keep it going.

We decided to give me a special cheat day after I hit 199, but I said 190 or else I will be doing that every day! 200, then 199. then 200, then 199. LOL Endless cycle of cheating. I told my husband I would rather not eat to celebrate a loss, but maybe give my parents some money when they go to Mexico and have them pick up a nice necklace for me. To celebrate my 200 mark. Or rather its the 199 mark. No more 2 at the start of my weight!
Oh, we are not finding any seats on the 4 hour flight to Mexico in the month of February so I won't be going with my son down there. :( I will call to find out if the web is just being weird or if that is really the true number. My husband just started working, he is the only man on his team and they really need him so the idea of him leaving after he started working is nto going to work well for him. But he thinks that our son taking a week off from daddy might get him to refocus on me a bit more. It's depressing when your son wakes you up at 4am going "Where is daddy" and you tell him "He is at work" and he throws a tantrum and you try to comfort him but he just gets louder. I did manage to cuddle with him after 1/2 hour of being rejected. He is NOT a cuddler. I'm very sad because of it. I grew up with not that much display of affection. Our house is very.. German. And so hugs were not the order of the day. So I grew up not showing affection to others as much, but I craved it. A good hug is sometimes the only thing someone wants. Not a candy bar, not a cookie, or a stuffed animal. Just a freaking hug. So My husband got me into hugs and physical affection. So I try to smother my son with it, but he always pushes away. NOt a cuddler. A player, a dooer, an action kid who does love us, but just isn't into all that stupid phsyical affection. :P heh.

Okay, what is in the water. I'm just blathering around. I'm not really a crazy person. I promise! I'm really okay, just having a hard pms week!

R2P2: Day 22

2010-01-05T10:05:00.001-08:00

Weight: 207.2 lbs
Loss of: .4 lb today
Total Loss: 16.6 lb

warning: Long post- didn't mean it to be, but there it is!

Morning Ladies!
I had an evening. We tried to totally change our son's bed time and it didn't work (surprise) and then I decided to take a bath, and when I come downstairs after a long bath that took me to 10pm I see the guys on the couch. :S I fell off the bandwagon and went on a tyraid. Folks... I have tried so hard in the last couple months to keep my temper and blow up's in check. When I was hit puberty I would go into these weird blankouts of blowups. I even threw a huge tyraid in the middle of my school about how a friend closed her locker. I didn't remember it. I would literally go into blind rage. I was later told by my high school councilor I was a 1%'er of the PMS extreme. Like PMS = Bikers, and I was part of the hells Angels.
It's something I am not proud of, but it's there. I have, for some reason, a HUGE freaking ball of pure rage right in the middle of my chest. If left unchecked I can sometimes feel the swirling ball.

I have worked to deal with, especially when I had my son 3.4 years ago. I know I passed it onto him because in the first year I had a hard time being in control. My husband has helped me a lot though... to a point.
I felt bad after a good month of keeping it totally in check, I blew up. I told myself I wouldn't scream, but I just snapped and 'dragged' my kid upstairs (more like grabbed him and carried him while he was upset 'no bedtime mommy') and plopped him into bed and told him 'go to sleep!' I did temper myself with my kid because I don't want to directly scare him. But I let loose on the husband. Not good, but he did shovel it back at me.

Once he left the room and I put our little guy to sleep and thought about my actions, I realized I was wrong in what I Did, but wasn't about to tell ol hubby that. I come downstairs and my husband was holding an olive branch. WOW. He did the right thing for me to calm down with him enough that I could admit to him that I didn't handle that situation well, and we proceeded to talk it out.

We co-sleep with our son. He has learned the bad habit of falling asleep next to daddy, then daddy sneak out of the room. I don't like it, the falling asleep part. He needs to learn that he doesnt need us to fall asleep. It's funny, my son, if I put him to sleep, goes down in like 10 minutes. He knows that I don't cater to him as much as daddy. I love that my husband is SO involved. I didn't get that growing up. My dad always had to work or he would find something to work on. It was only later he told me (after I cornered him about my son and his weirdness) he wasn't that comfortable around children. He didn't know what to do. He freaking has 3 kids! But he was a 'traditional' man, and Vietnam kept him away for a bit with my two brothers. I'm the youngest by 8 years.

Anyways. This is why my resolution has 'meditate and relax' as well as doing yoga 2 x a week. My sister in law has seen a HUGE difference in my brother's attitude as well. I would love to get my mom involved. She has HUGE anxiety. She and helderheid should talk to each other. Sounds like you both have a similar issue and if I don't start doing something I am going to exasperate the situation I'm already in. I need to learn from my mom. I have a lot of fears. I sometimes feel like a big bottle of fear and anger. They both seem to feed into each other. We hate what we fear.

I go to the doctors today to get my check up. I take my son up since the husband is at work and everyone has their own doctors appointments. Sigh. It gets me into the carpool lane at least (WHich I don't agree with but I will use it because it's lawful and I don't want to leave 2 hours before my appointment)

Our life used to be up in the Bellevue area, we live now in the South Sound area. My doctor is in Kirkland. A 1.5 hour drive if your doing the average. My husband's job is up there in Redmond. He takes a vanpool. If I get a job, it would be in the same company as him. My old company I loved to work for previously, the job I want to get.

My husband and I sat down and had a serious talk. He is feeling a bit trepidation about me going back to work. I have had this gut feeling too for the last couple days after I started thinking it through. We don't feel good leaving our 3 year old in some daycare, then in Sep2010 in a school for 12 hours. Okay, it would be school then grandparents. But 12 hours a day w/o parents, then come home for a couple hours of play then bed. I don't now if I can do that. I don't know if we can do that. Well, actually we could, but we know our son, he won't adjust to that very well until he is maybe 5.
We are thinking of postponing my job till then. It sucks because I was looking forward to working, but at the same time it doesn't suck because I started getting a bit weepy for homeschooling him. I got a great book yesterday that gave me some great outlines. We are a family of planners. Okay.. I'm a planner.

We planned our child. We took a week at the start of November 05 when I was ovulating and had each night be romantic with candles and all. I wanted that for our child, to be conceived in that type of romance. Then I got pregnant my first try. We told ourselves that someone would be home with our child. We didn't personally want someone else to raise our child. I have nothing against daycare, it just wasn't for us and our emotional state. We co-sleep with our child and love every minute of it. Er almost every minute. We have to make woopie elsewhere now, and just having a kid in our lives makes woopie hard to find.

I enjoy waking up to my child in the morning. I had some very serious health issues as a child, and being German you also put a child in a crib at night and didn't go in till morning. So needless to say, I have some serious abandonment issues to deal with. I put these on my son like any good person. I can't stop thinking if my child cries in the bedroom that he feels like we left him. That is me crying up there for affection and some love. So I break down and make it as gentle as possible for him. I don't do this all the time because I get into the 'this is not good for our child' so I'm not totally consistant, but I have my own issues to work through, but don't want to get to stiff upper lip with my child. I don't know.

I'm feeling pretty anxious about writing such a long post. :P If you read it all, thank you. Even if you skimmed it! I just have a lot to say today.

OH! I can fit into my size 18 jeans enough to wear them to the doctors!

R2P2: Day 21

2010-01-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

Weight: 20876 lbs
Loss of: 1 lb today
Total Loss: 16.2 lb

Good Morning Folks,
I'm trying to get my head into the game of life and stop playing Solitare on my Ipod. So it's my lack of connecting that is bothering me, but I get so hermitized for a while.
I do care about others, but sometimes I go through these moods where I am good at connecting and socializing and making meaningful relationship with people. But then I just 'stop' for a period of time and go into my own life and just live. Do what I want to but not connect. I let those I have connected with down and I feel horrible.

I also haven't been reading blogs, and then I get behind and then it starts looking like a mound of work. :P I hate that. I do things for fun, then I get a tiny bit behind or I try to do too much and it becomes work. Like reading. I did it last year. I started to try to read 1 book a week. Then I fell a little ahead and a little behind and I felt like it was work, Read read read. It stopped being a pleasure thing for the heck of it, and it became an assignment, though I did enjoy reading. I got a bit burned out so I only got to read about 26 books last year.

My plan is to read 25 books this year. That is 1 book every 2 weeks. I should allow myself though to fall no lower then 12 books and still feel good.

Some things for 2010 that I would like to see done: (inspired by Autumn Rose)

1. Catch up on work no more then 3 days after I let it slide!

2. Read 25 books (of any sort) this year. 50% at least novels.

3. Relax. Take it easy. Don't let the little things bug me as much. Decrease my Drama Queeness. How? By meditating and going to Yoga 2 x a week.

4. Keep up with Yoga every Tue/Thur.

5. Learn 3 new computer programing languages that would help get me hired again at my old company as a contractor.

6. Get a contract job and put my little one in the Montessori school.

7. Pay down debt. Get rid of 1/2 debt this year. Or at least get my credit card down to 20% debt.

8. Potty Train my kid (any help would be appreciated!) by school start. :)

Okay that is enough for now. I think it's a good list of things I really want to do.

I will try to catch up with stuff sooon! I will really work on it. I've just been lazy, but it's something I feel strongly about because I love connecting and learning from my fellow bloggers!

Be Strong and take care!

Taco Salad

2010-01-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

This has become a favorite of mine.

Take 3.5 ground beef
1.5 oz of onions (or as you desire or don't add if you don't mix veggies)
Spices: Mustard, smoked paprika, onion and garlic powder
Serving of Lettuce

I microwave the chopped onions for 2 minutes. I put the ground beef in a pan. I add seasonings and brown the meat. You can use a lot or a little seasoning so I don't like actually listing an amount. It feels a bit arbitrary. How ever your mood hits you.

I chop my lettuce into little bits and put it in a big bowl, then add the browned meat over it.

I put the stove to high, put my pan back on the stove and add several tablespoons of mustard on high heat. Then I add a little water and scrap off the seared on meat and mix the mustard. Makes a little sauce that reduces. I turn off the stove and pour the mixture onto the salad. Mix and enjoy!

Ryan's not so famous Tomato Soup

2010-01-03T11:33:00.000-08:00

This is a recipe my husband came up with that we want to put in a future HCG Cookbook. We try to make our own stuff so we can put our own book together.

Take a serving of Tomatoes
3.5 oz of chicken
Vinegar
Mustard
Water
2 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
pinch of salt
1 tsp Paprika
(add spice: pinch cayenne pepper.)

So you chop up your tomatoes and brown the chicken. Use the cooking utensil to chop up the chicken as you go. I will sometimes just microwave the chicken for 1 min 30 seconds (or untill your micro makes it done) and remove the chicken.

Pour the tomatoes into the pan (we use a small wok where we cooked the chicken) and fill with water to the top of the tomatoes. Add your spices. You can use more or less then we denoted. We sort of wing it now on our feelings. Sometimes I add oregano to the mix. Bring to a boil. Add chicken. Reduce water to desired thickness of soup. I take my cooking utensil and break up the tomatoes. YOu can put in a blender if you desire not to have any chunks of tomato, or keep cooking at a lower temp till the tomatoes dissolve. I enjoy the chunks.

I sometimes just cook the tomatoes so they are barely dissolved and eat it with the fresh warmed tomatoes. You can do a bunch of things. Add a different meat to it. But this is what we do.

R2P2: Day 20

2010-01-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

Weight: 208.6 lbs
Loss of: .4 lbs today
Total Loss: 15.2 lb

Guess I asked for too big of a loss, or I just got the whole loss but didn't sleep enough. Our kid seems to have a cough and bothersome throat so no one was getting much sleep last night until we dosed him with some Tylenol. That seemed to help him sleep, still didn't get a whole lot of sleep though since I wanted some awake quiet time w/ the husband.

Morning everyone! I hope you are all doing well. We went to the Train Festival yesterday with the grandparents, and opa. Oma said behind to get some down time after all the visits she just had. My father has a train collection collecting dust that I hope he will bring out some time soon. He has, I guess, a bigger LBG collection that he said in a couple years he would open up for my son and him to play with. I realized how much I love miniture, and I would love to do scenery.

We are going to take it easy, I'm making the tomato soup for my parents tonight to share with them what I eat and make it easy on my mom since she is doing a bunch of cleaning and then inventory of her business (she makes applique towels). She is the reason I got into sewing at a young age. I just haven't taken the opportunity to expand my skill.

I think I might have my next 'motivation' so I don't have to just 'let it be' LOL. Ya, so much for zen. Though I want to keep the 'oh, look I lost .4 ... groovy.. '
We take a trip to Mexico every year. We get miles from a credit card, a companion pass and then we end up paying 1 full price fare. Not bad at all for the 3 of us. Though my husband just got a job, I can try to make more dice bags and help contribute to the cost. We will see. Wish him luck that he can take a week off while my parents are down there. We get free room and food as long as we eat at the apartment. Last year we split the duty. My mom made lunch (I hate making lunch) and I made dinner (my mom hates cooking at night) so it worked out PERFECTLY! I felt like I was contributing and not leaving my mom to cook. It's her vacation too! I think that is why she has latched onto cruising... she doesn't have to do anything. She gets a true vacation on a cruise! No bed making nor cooking! A true wifes/mothers vacation.

So, I don't care what weight I am at, once I buy the tickets to go to Mexico I am on a serious course of 'no cheating allowed' and then I will take a week off from the protocol in February, or March some time. Let's hope the price is right because we still need to have a surplus of money in our account. I hope to make it work. :) I get a lot of walking down there because I love walking everywhere and taking the public bus.

anywho! My mind is bustling! :)

R2P2: Day 19

2010-01-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

Weight: 209 lbs
Loss of: 1.2 lbs today
Total Loss: 14.8 lbs

I made it so far! I have been eating clean today. I did take hcg late, but oh well. And 4:40pm I am finishing off my 1st liter.

We had a lot of fun today. We went to a train festival. My son and father totally LOVED it. I forgot how much I LOVE miniature.

I did cheat yesterday, but it was interesting. It was so filling that I didn't need dinner. I had a piece of well cooked prime rib select and a heaping mound of red cabbage. So I think I did good over all. Even enjoyed an apple at the end of the day.
Oh, and I enjoyed two little pieces of chocolates that were something I always had a child in Germany. They are little chocolate circles with the mini sprinkle balls. My sister in law bought them for me for Xmas. YUM! I had two little ones, then I also tried some of the peanut brittle someone gave my mom. Too sugary for my taste, but good. I love peanut butter. I could eat a peanut butter sandwich every day. My mom made them for my lunches all the time, though it always got squished by the apple, though I guess I wouldn't have it any other way now a days. :) Made the bread all soggy which was good so it wasn't dry. LOL. anywho

Lavendar- you were right! I hit under 210- in fact 209. Lets see if it holds up. So far this round I haven't lost a TON of weight, but I did a LOT of cheat days, and when I ate clean I did lose a bit of weight! I'm really happy, though my resolve is a bit shakier. I will have to find milestones where I can enjoy something naughty!

I go to the doctors on Monday, I am curious what she has to say. I think I did well, I have this support group of bloggers to help me, and I totally don't feel alone in the journey. I have gotten great support from my doctor and also other forums where there is a flow of information. I think we have become experts in our own right about hcg! :)

Take care hcg blogger friends! See you tomorrow and I hope all has gone well for everyone!

R2P2: Day 18

2010-01-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

Weight: 210.2 lbs
Loss of: 1.4 lbs today
Total Loss: 13.6 lbs

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

I'm happy to see that I am losing well. I love that I am almost out of the 10's. To be 210.2 for 2010 LOL Works for me!

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful night last night and did what you wanted! I hope that all your cheats or food plans came out succesful!

I'm off to my parents for a nice New Years Dinner. CHEATING! :) My possible last cheat till I hit 180. I want to take a 1 week break then. But I will decide that in 30 freaking lbs!!!! :D I love it. SO CLOSE to the 199 mark! There will be NO cheating when I get THAT close! ;) LOL

anywho. Have a wonderful day! May it not be as dreary as the weather is outside!

R2P2: Day 16

2009-12-30T12:38:00.000-08:00

Weight: 213.8 lbs
Loss of: .4 lbs
Total Loss: 10 lbs

Morning folks!

I feel like I am going down again! :) I have one more cheat day I am allowing myself, more maybe a cheat lunch. New Years Day dinner.

It's been harder to stay on task. I won't cheat, but the want for cheating is stronger. :P I had something to motivate me like the cruise to get the weight off.

I've been playing around with the idea of putting my kid into a Montessori school and starting to work again. He could use that interaction with other people with his personality. Currently we are homeschooling, though he is only 3.
I am going to polish up on my skills for the next 3-4 months and learn some new programing/scripting languages to put on the resume, and this gives me enough time to slim down. I would like to be pretty much done with the diet before I apply at work, especially since it's a long commute and I can't run home to get something. It would just be easier for me if I can afford to do it.

I do enjoy spending time with my son, but I miss working and I don't mix well with various mommy groups. I don't also want to be a cab company shuttling my little one from one program to another so he can interact with the outside world. I'm such a hermit I perfer to stay at home, so he doesn't get out much. He is still pretty well mannered when we do go out around other kids surprisingly.

So this is a 1/2 motivator to stick the course. I want that to influence the way I keep clean eating. Other then that I really don't have much emotion when I step on the scale. I have been REALLY focusing on 'can I fit into that coat' ... 'what size shirt can I wear now'
I have been able to get into a size 14/12 at Walmart. I had to buy 1 sweater and 3 slong sleeved shirts. I'M SO COLD! That was enough to make me feel good for a good week. :D

okay, Never step away from the computer before plushing your post. You forget what you were saying after a couple hours. :P

R2P2: Day 15

2009-12-29T10:36:00.000-08:00

Weight: 214.2 lbs
Loss of: ? lbs
Total Loss: 9.6 lbs

So I haven't posted in a couple days. So I went to Seattle with my family and we ate at the Space Needle. Much better then I heard it was from a long time ago review, but helderheid got my hopes up, and delivered.

I had the chicken. It was very good. The sauce. OMG! Ya, I deserved the 1.4 gain I got from that! I'm not upset about any gain I am getting right now because I am er, um... cheating of course! :)

I am doing 'clean' days as much as possible. I think we will have 1 more cheat day coming up on New Years Day! My parents make a special dinner so I will participate in that. So then in January we will be a month of clean eating! :)

Oh, I can see my neck stuff. The stuff that shows on thin people but hides when you have too much fat around the neck and makes it look like a tube, not a series of cords. :) heh. I am LOVING that part!

I hope everyone had a great Winter Holiday Season and got to do what they wished for. Spending time with the family has been a great wish of mine so it was wonderful that both my brothers have been able to come out. Maybe not right at the same time, but that seems to be fine because I can have close time with both sets.

Take care!

R2P2: Day 12

2009-12-26T12:17:00.000-08:00

Weight: 213.6 lbs
Loss of: .6 lbs
Total Loss: 10.2 lbs

Morning!
My brother is here for Christmas and we had fun. It's been nice to talk to them. I really get along with his wife and his kids really get along with my kid. :) I love how they play together.

I had 2 official 100% cheat days. No weighing and no 'on protocol' foods.

I had for xmas lunch at my mother in laws: Tomatoes with some of that cream cheese/basil/tomato spread (about a tsp), 2 half cookies- homemade. They were also very small, but satisfying. I decided why not, I normally don't try stuff, and some smoked salmon 1x1 inch square.

Then for dinner I had my traditional foods: a Wiener, a deviled egg, red cabbage, a spoonful of potato salad (home made) and the big spender: A small slice of bread (multi grain loaf of hard bread) w/ a thin layer of butter and a bit of bri cheese. MMMMMM.

Yesterday for Christmas Day Dinner/Lunch I had:
Roast
Red cabbage
Cabbage salad
Lingenberry sauce

and then we had a small 'dinner' afterwards
Small slice of bread w/ tbl bri
Slice roast

I even allowed an apple at the end of each day. A full apple. mmmmmm. I didn't get as much water in Christmas Eve but I did push myself yesterday. I got in almost 3 liters. :)

Today is going to be a 'clean' day of eating on protocol. Then I plan to go to Seattle with my family tomorrow. That will be another cheat day. I think where ever we go for lunch we can eat clean enough, but my brother has reservations at the Space Needle for dinner. I think I will have some crab cakes and salad. :)

I hope everyone has had a great Holiday Season. We are not done yet, but so far so good! :) I wish everyone a great stablization, a great loss or not so big of gain!

I am waiting for my scale to go UP! :P

R2P2: Day 8

2009-12-23T14:51:00.000-08:00

Weight: 214.2 lbs
Loss of: .4 lbs
Total Loss: 9.6 lbs

Low loss. But I feel thinner. :) Went through my closet to shed out some of the clothes that always made me feel fat, or I wore all the time when I was fatter.

I just need to release those outfits just as much as the fat! I love saying "When I get thin", and not " "if" I get thin"

My father offered to buy me a dress. I told him that he didn't need to, maybe buy it next year for Xmas, or Birthday, but not to motivate me. I am not motivated, I just am doing it. :)

Yesterday I almost cheated, I saw my husband sit next to me with my favorite cheese. AND the butthead had to say "Oh, you never ate any when you were loading" I could have killed him. :P I told him one bite shouldn't hurt. He didn't believe me and snatched up the piece and ate it. So I'm okay.

Well, hope you have enough time today to finish any last things! Happy Holidays!

R2P2: Day 7

2009-12-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

Weight: 214.6 lbs
Loss of: 1.2 lbs
Total Loss: 9.2 lbs

Wow. I just saw I lost 1.2. I had buffalow burger w/ onions on a bed of lettuce then chicken with tomatoes at night.

I also ate stuff late. It's been REALLY nice to have MY schedule then my mom's schedule. heh. I don't worry about going to work out with her in the mornings. I am going to yoga twice a week if I can before the hubby comes home from work. It will be a nice break up to the day. We go to bed so late, and so hubby and kid can spend time together. I like it. Then I get to sleep in.

When I Was growing up I baby sat my brother's kids from time to time and they woke up like at 5-7am. :P I thought all kids did this. I thought that was the kids internal clock. I dreaded that part of parent hood, to my surprise, kids will sleep in if they go to bed later, and they don't seem to suffer any negative effects, he does get his sleep! I'm very relaxed about it. I feel kids shouldn't be woken up, they should wake up naturally.

also- with the protocol. I'm going to be happy of course if I lose weight, but this time I want to reprogram my brain to just accept it as a number to record for my log. It's going to be a number I will use to correct if things go bad, but as long as I am sticking to protocol, even any gain is going to be in the helpful department. Like I said, I'm going to be more relaxed about the weight drop. I'm going to take a 1 week break around 180. I am going to let my doctor know that I would like this as a mini goal. Then from 180-130 will be the 3rd and final round. If I get below that it's all good. :) I just want to see what my thighs feel like when they are not squished together, I want to be able to say "Honey I wear a size 6" and he gets me a size 6 and it fits!

I want to take a pillow case and make it into a dress!
I want to be able to use this woman's website for real! :P heh.

I'm moving slowly into uncharted terrority, or rather, long forgotten territory. I remember myself being around the 220 range or way above for the last 10 years. I did dip into the 190's at the start for a bit, but then just went up. So this body is like meeting a long forgotten friend.

I am also excited because one of my brother's will see me tomorrow and it will be 'surprise' :) Then on the 28th I will see another brother and sis in law who don't know what I am doing (though my dad did say weight loss, but I dont' think he said how much) and "SURPRISE!" again.

Then I will start to post updated pictures of me on Facebook. :)

I have gotten several compliments from my christmas picture too! My doctor said that both my husband and I are looking much healthier (she has our last 4 pictures) and my aunt and cousin in Germany both agree that I am looking prettier. I was always said to have a 'pretty face' and it's a shame I let the fat catch on. But they have always loved me regardless.

It's intersting. I think it was Mary or Christy's blog that mentioned something about the iky of fat. Sorry if it was neither of you. But anyways. I am starting to see people in a different light. I see all these thin people out there 'entangled' in their fat. I don't see fat people. I just see a bunch of thin people trapped in the fat suit. The fat is seperating from the people and making me grossed out. I look at old pictures and I go "HOW COULD I let myself go"???? How is it that I couldn't have woken up one day and Said "ENOUGH"... oh wait. I did. And then I joined a gym, stopped eating or went on the next best diet plan just to gain 30 more lbs after I stopped because it wasn't working well, or got harder and harder, not easier.

I WISH that HCG would become such an accepted form of Diet and that everyone in the world was given a bottle to either share with friends or use for themselves. We don't have to suffer. I am sorry, but I think people who are 300 or more lbs do suffer, they are not 'fat beauties!" Yes, love yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to love the fat. You can love or hate a shirt, so you can love or hate your fat, and it doesn't mean it's you. I have said before, I have seen my fat as the abuse I put on myself. I will not lose health if I lose fat, really the opposite. So it's obviously not something I HAVE to live with. I love that people see me thinner, and want to try the hcg. It's a wild fire! I love it! I want to see people become healthier and do it right. I just want people to do it right!

Heh. I have a friend who has had the stomach surgery who is going on hcg, and she said that her doctor told her that it will fail, she will be unhappy and will come back to him for the next 15k surgery! :P POOP on HIM! First- don't be so hurtful to your patience, and I would never have my friend do something that would hurt her. In fact, I think she will be 100000x's more happy with hcg. She has sagging skin that she will have to go get ANOTHER surgery for. :P poop! Hcg, you can drop 300 lbs and still not have tremendous sagging skin! anywho.

I'm soup, no soap boxing now. :P So I will let your eyes rest! :) take care, and we are so much close to the eve of christmas! Hope it's a merry one for all. See you tomrrow!

question: Why no mixing of veggies?

2009-12-21T16:47:00.000-08:00

Why do you think that the good Dr. has said 'No Mixing' of veggies?

I sometimes like to mix veggies like today: Buffalo burger with some (2oz) of onions mixed in and wrapped in like 2oz of lettuce.

Do you think this will hurt me. No, but why did the doctor say "no mixing' for the most part?

I see people mix lettuce around, but I don't see that in the manual. If you see it, let me know what page.